between the twin suns and the twin planets.
INT. CONVENTION HALL--DAY
Twenty representatives, Professor samples, her husband, and Jake all sit around a very large table with microphones.
Everyone except for Professor samples, her husband, and Jake gasps.
SAMPLES
(hesitant)
Yes, very exciting, I could hardly believe it--but we need to verify that the way we found it isn't too, um, unorthodox--
FELIX
Unorthodox is exactly what we need. If it happens to work. If it doesn't work, several fools will scorn you for publishing "junk science," even though about half of what all astronomers publish and get praised for all the time is junk science anyway.
This comment draws looks of scorn from half of the attendees.
FELIX
There, you see! I say half of our science is junk, and half of the attendees frown at me! Could it be that correlation is causation or proof? You decide, O Scientists.
A TURKISH ASTRONOMER, male, fifty, and angry as hell, stands up, walks to a door, opens it, and steps through it with a very ridiculous, almost ballet-like flamboyance and drama. He turns on his heel, angrily faces Felix, and slams the door with a thunderous BLAM! It's so loud that several scientists wince and cover their ears.
Felix stands up and applauds.
FELIX
Bravo! You know I didn't like your ideas about Dark Matter anyway--I just wish you'd ever have allowed me to really explain to you why!
Jake can't help himself, and he laughs. Several others laugh.
Samples is quite ruffled. Felix sits back down.
FELIX
Professor Samples, I am so sorry for that. Do you accept that the approach of your scientific inquiry may fail?
Jake laughs uproariously.
JAKE
I am so, so sorry, Professor Samples, and Professor Felix, but--what? What kind of question is that, Professor Felix?
FELIX
A question which too few scientists are willing to honestly examine. But I am being rhetorically flamboyant. Professor Samples, I know your work, and that for every two dozen ideas you publish that haven't so far found any usefulness to astronomers, you publish a few ideas that really turn out to be great contributions. I only wish that you published more early and more often, because then we could benefit sooner from your good ideas.
SAMPLES
I, uh, yes, thank you, very much. I will publish. Anyway, I wanted you all to see the results first, and have a chance to try out my methods first.
She notices that everyone stares at the door that had slammed. The door is open, and the Turkish Astronomer stands there, with a contrite, meekly apologetic expression.
TURKISH ASTRONOMER
Professor Fassbinder, I hope that you will forgive my angry disagreement with you. I...wish to hear about Professor Sample's possible discovery.
JAKE
(whispers, to Mr. Samples)
I just hope that these people never get their fingers anywhere near any buttons labeled "NUKE."
Mr. Samples laughs loudly, and is quickly horrified that he has done so. He obsequiously apologizes.
MR. SAMPLES
I am so sorry! So sorry! Please forgive me! It's just that--
JAKE
I farted. I'm sorry. Some people heard it. Maybe you didn't. I hope you didn't. But let me tell you, I had to get it out. It was a Gas Giant.
Two scientists look uncomfortable, one looks disgusted, and Professor Samples looks amused but uneasy, but everyone else laughs hard, including the Turkish Astronomer, who walks back to his former seat.
JAKE
Professor Samples, I am so sorry. Please continue.
She regains her composure, takes a deep breath, and slowly exhales.
SAMPLES
So, the designation of the star we examined is--
INT. HOUSE--NIGHT
Jake, Vicki, Heidi and Dominick sit in front of the TV, on which they view two news anchors: NANCY, white, thirty, flighty, intelligent, and an absolute doll, and DARYL, white, thirty-one, keen and playful, and quite handsome.
NANCY
Daryl, you're going to love this story. Wait, did you already hear about this local Astronomer?
DARYL
Maybe. I don't know.
(Carl Sagan voice)
We have BILLIONS and BILLIONS of those--
Unseen news room workers laugh V.O. Vicki laughs.
HEIDI
What's so funny, Ma?
VICKI
I'll tell you later, Heidi.
DARYL
(playfully belligerent)
So I don't know, how could I know? You haven't even told me what part of it I don't know. I have a guess, but I don't know. Maybe you could tell me the part of it that I don't know.
The Nancy laughs.
NANCY
Did you overdose on cold medicine?
They laugh.
Jake forces a high, staccato, giddy, warbled, altogether bizarre laugh.
VICKI
Shh! Hey, this is your moment!
JAKE
Sorry. Except I have no idea when they're going to actually start reporting--
VICKI
SSSHH!
NANCY
Okay, so do we still even have time--how much time do we have for this segment?
DARYL
Well, I dunno, strictly, we always spend a few minutes on segments about small animals with hiccups or very stupid criminals, but I think we could preempt that time for things of COSMIC IMPORTANCE, don't you, Nancy?
The laughter of the news crew sounds through the newsroom, V.O.
DOMINICK
Get on with it!
NANCY
Okay, could we get on with this? My apologies to our viewers.
DARYL
I apologize for nothing.
More laughter is heard through the newsroom, V.O. Jake repeats his obnoxious affected laugh.
VICKI
Shhhh!
NANCY
Seriously! Enough! Ugh.
She takes a deep breath.
NANCY
Today, Astronomers, scientists, and space fans--okay wait, what is a "space fan?" Who wrote this?
Snorts of restrained laughter are heard through the newsroom.
NANCY
Can this get any worse? Sheesh!
DARYL
I don't know, Nancy, what is a space fan? Is it a fan from outer space?
The snorts through the newsroom quickly break to outright raucous laughter.
DARYL
A fan that you use in space? You know, to keep cool under the sun during your space walk? Not very effective. FANS require AIR in order to cool things, you know, like spacewalking astronomers, and there is no AIR in SPACE. So a FAN will not be effective for cooling anything in SPACE.
Jake laughs.
The newsroom now suffers full-on, loud, hysterical laughter.
DARYL
Or by "space fan," do we mean "a fanatic of space," as in, someone who really loves space? You know, Nancy, I really love space. Do you love space? Or what about your space? Do you love your space? Or what about my space? And no, I don't mean the social networking web site.
Daryl wheels his chair over and sits as close to her as possible, leans towards her, and stares intently at her.
Jake and his family laugh hard.
NANCY
Okay, I am DONE! Can someone please kick him off the reporter's desk for tonight?
DARYL
Nope. We just had a ratings spike. Ratings, not news, love.
Nancy can't help herself, and giggles, and smiles at him. Uh, what? Were those fireworks that just flashed between Nancy and Daryl?
VICKI
Oh my heck! Now all we need is to zoom in for a close-up two-shot and wait for them to kiss!
Nancy snaps out of the unexpected spell, and turns to the camera again. Daryl continues to stare at her.
NANCY
I think the ratings spike is possibly in anticipation of the news I'm about to share, not because you're being a class-act...um, weird guy.
She blanches.
NANCY
Uh, sorry, nice, weird guy. Oh my heck. Oh my HECK, this cannot get worse.
DARYL
That's entirely possible. I'll resign from the desk from the evening, or I'll take over, if you'd like.
Dominick is out of patience.
DOMINICK
UGH!!
NANCY
Just please lets resume reporting as normal.
DARYL
Aw, shucks.
He withdraws his chair back to his side of the reporting desk.
NANCY
Today, Astronomers, scientists, and news writers who drank too much caffeine celebrated the most astonishing news that has emerged in the field of astronomy for a long time. Astronomers have confirmed the existence of two-earth-like planets orbiting a double star not far from our own solar system.
A visualization of two earth-like planets appears in the upper-right of the TV, then expands to full view. The planets spin around a common center of gravity, like two dancers. Behind them, two suns do the same. The binary planets follow a large circular orbit around the binary sun.
NANCY (V.O.)
This conceptual video shows what the orbit of these planets is like. Even more unusual or amazing is that a cluster of seven stars orbits the binary stars.
The seven stars emerge in the video presentation, in orbit between the binary star and binary planet. The visualization fades from view to reveal Nancy again.
NANCY
The best part of all of this, however, is that Astronomers are very confident that these two earth-like planets could be habitable, meaning that life could exist on them. Highly scientific readings--whatever that means--again, who wrote this?--okay, just insert techno mumbo-jumbo here. Scientists have ways