Drama is life. Drama is reality. Drama is the red pill.
You can refuse to swallow it if you want—you can take the blue pill instead—but if you do, you’ll never live. You’ll never know the highest highs because you’ve never exposed yourself to the risk of the lowest lows. That’s why love is so exhilarating, because the opposite is indifference, which is just another word for complete rejection. It’s a gamble, to be sure, but if you turned back time tomorrow and fate handed me the dice again, I’d have no problem rolling them and hoping for the same numbers I rolled the first time, with Sam Kinison words burning in my ear:
“They’re not gonna be nice to you, kid, but you’ll learn a hell of a lot.”
NOTES
6. The Showcase Was the Workshop
1 This was the original Laff Stop location, only a few blocks from where the Comedy Workshop used to be. In 2006, it moved to a spot on Allen Parkway and Waugh Drive. It closed in December 2009.
7. Yes, and …
1 He hadn’t lost his stuff. He threw one more pitch after the injury. It clocked in at 98 mph. Sweet baby Jesus.
2 DJ Screw overdosed from that shit in 2000.
8. The Road Can Be an Asshole
1 He died of colon cancer in 2012.
10. A Bucket of Crabs
1 The closest I’ve seen since Bill Hicks passed away has been my friend Dougie Stanhope.
2 Bill Hicks died less than a year later, on February 26, 1994.
11. Los True Angeles
1 The guy won the legendary San Francisco Comedy Competition in 1995, for fuck’s sake. Dane Cook finished second that year.
2 Being “passed” is basically comedy-speak for being hired or approved to perform at a particular club.
12. Houston, We’re Gonna Have a Big Fucking Problem
1 J&J Beepers ran legendarily corny radio ads for years in Los Angeles. “JJ” turned out to be a guy named Jacob “Cookie” Orgad, who was an Israeli organized-crime figure with ties to Heidi Fleiss and the ecstasy trade. So basically, he was totally awesome.
2 Okay, she didn’t actually say that last part, but God bless America I wish she had, because it would have felt so good.
13. 1440 North Gardner
1 Traditionally, pilot season is the first three or four months of the year, when networks start taking pitches for new shows and pilot episodes start getting cast. Most comics, no matter where they’re from, eventually come out to LA for at least one pilot season.
2 LA has three El Compadres now, but until 2004 the one on Sunset Boulevard was the only one.
14. Bob Sugar Changed My Life
1 Young guy? Dane and I are almost the exact same age. He’s a month younger than me.
3 Spots at the clubs were only $15 or $20 apiece back then. They’re not much better today.
4 Mitch died from a stroke in 2008.
15. Second-to-Last Comic Standing
1 Because of that incident at the Laugh Factory, I think Dane even refused to do Conan’s show for a while. People can say what they want about Dane and his style of comedy, but he will always be right with me. He’s a stand-up human being.
16. Sit, Doggy, Sit, Good Dogg
1 Keef is the concentrated THC crystals from the pollen of male marijuana plants.
2 Pro tip: smellproof bags are not smellproof to drug dogs.
3 I still have that backpack. I call it the Original Whitney because it’s black and it was full of drugs.
17. Eleven Days and Nights
1 This was the same thing that killed Bernie Mac and Heavy D.
18. The Mays Go Gay
1 Gay Tony and Aunt Tim aren’t their real names obviously, it’s just how they’re saved in my cell phone.
2 The stretch of Santa Monica Boulevard in Los Angeles between La Brea Avenue and Highland Avenue has long been notorious as the hangout for LA’s black transvestite sex-worker population. Donut Time used to be nicknamed Tranny Time or the Tranny Donut Shop.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
RALPHIE MAY was a stand-up comedian who burst into America’s living rooms when he finished runner-up in the first season of NBC’s Last Comic Standing. Since then, he had five specials on Comedy Central and two with Netflix. He toured extensively, doing more than 250 shows per year, and signed on for a Las Vegas residency at Harrah’s in 2017, for which he won Casino Comedian of the Year. Ralphie passed away suddenly in October 2017. You can sign up for email updates here.
NILS PARKER is a writer and editor of multiple New York Times bestsellers. He splits his time between Milwaukee and Los Angeles with his wife and two dogs. You can sign up for email updates here.
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CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Acknowledgments
Part 1
Arkansas: 1977–1990
1. My Mom Killed Santa Claus with a Pair of Shoes
2. Rusty Was Retarded Good
3. The Lord Giveth and He Taketh Away
4. The Legend of Sweet Dick
5. Who Needs College When There’s Life?
Part 2
Houston: 1990–1998
6. The Showcase Was the Workshop
7. Yes, and …
8. The Road Can Be an Asshole
9. The Channelview Hell Gig
10. A Bucket of Crabs
Part 3
Los Angeles: 1998–2010
11. Los True Angeles
12. Houston, We’re Gonna Have a Big Fucking Problem
13. 1440 North Gardner
14. Bob Sugar Changed My Life
Part 4
Back Down to Earth: 2010–2017
16. Sit, Doggy, Sit, Good Dogg
17. Eleven Days and Nights
18. The Mays Go Gay
19. This Is the End
20. Back to the Future
Notes
About the Authors
Copyright
THIS MIGHT GET A LITTLE HEAVY. Copyright © 2017 by Deez Nuts Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.stmartins.com
Cover design by Rob Grom
Cover photograph of Ralphie May © Robert Seebree; photo illustration of landscape © Shutterstock.com
The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-1-250-08574-0 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-250-08575-7 (ebook)
eISBN 9781250085757
Our books may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact your local bookseller or the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.
First Edition: December 2017
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