I knew not what life hath for me,
Framed in the web of my own desires,
And refusing to come out.
Suffering, yet clinging to the pain,
Not realising that pain was only a mirage.
My world was dark,
And the trail, certainly not easy,
I continued fighting the illusive pain,
Resisting it, neglecting it, still suffering it.
Then I stumbled,
And I sat down,
" It’s my life after all " struck me,
Why should I then
Let it fall prey to them?
So self insufficient? Am I? I wondered.
" I do not really need them" came the answer,
Ahh! there I was,
Facing the ultimate truth,
The dawn had broken,
The secret revealed,
Trust no one except Him,
Depend on no one except Him,
Renounce the world and the world is yours
I had escaped the web,
I was free,
A whole new meaning, life attained,
Sympathies, not my cup of coffee,
I have not, regrets,
Silence is the melody of my life,
And solace my sole companion..
*****
Wailing
My heart wails, my eyes silent, my lips smile.
I was a fool,
To expect them to see the cries behind those grins,
I was a fool,
To expect them to understand, to feel,
But it is fine now,
I’ve learnt what I had to-the harder way,
Happiness is not for me,
Maybe I don't deserve it.
So He hasn't written it for me.
But yes its fine now.
I don't really care.
I’m already dead,
They killed me quite some time back.
My body though, still survives.
So I seek reasons,
Reasons to fret,
Reasons to crib,
Reasons to cry,
Reasons to sulk,
I know they say self pity is bad,
But it doesn't make sense anymore.
I’ve grown harder, tougher or have I?
My heart never stops grieving for her.
But it doesn't show anymore
It doesn't matter who's by me and who's not.
It’s all the same.
She was so right,
We come alone,
And alone do we go...
I see friendships reduce to formalities,
I witness relations vanish into thin air,
But it doesn't matter.
Maybe I just don't deserve a shoulder to cry,
A lap to lay down tired,
And a soul to share my feelings.
Maybe I’m destined to be dumped,
To be ditched,
To be USED and THROWN.
So its fine.
I take it.
I won't smile,
I won't rejoice.
I'll cry alone,
I'll sulk alone,
I won't seek the shoulder, the lap or the soul,
I'll survive my days all alone,
Yes, it’s my self imposed punishment,
But so what?
I'll punish myself with all I can.
No it doesn't bother me.
What you did was a lot more painful.
But I don't blame you.
I deserve it.
I’m the most unworthy being on the earth.
So I got my dues.
My tears are worthless,
My feelings my pains unimportant.
I’m the biggest loser of all,
I’ve lost it all,
My love....my friendships,
I’ve lost it all.
What an idiot I was,
I always thought my friends were my strength, my world, my life,
I used to wonder how can I be alone,
Life clearly showed me how.
I’ve lost it all.
My love....my friendships.....
I’ve lost it all.
What an idiot I was,
I always thought my friends were my strength, my world, my life,
I used to wonder how can I be alone,
Life clearly showed me how.
I’ve lost it all.
My love, my elixir,
I fell for her promise,
Only to be left alone
.It’s all gone, over, finished.
Everyone's happy and content but for me.
I continue to suffer my pains,
Again and yet again.
I’m dead ,
But My corpse survives.
It will soon succumb to the ultimate silence,
The eternal sleep,
And maybe I’ll ask Him,
Why was I not allowed to smile?
*****
Abandoned Sadness
Curtains have been raised again,
Windows again opened,
Winds have gushed in,
It’s a new breeze, The breeze of life,
Singing and humming move on.
Life awaits me, it never stagnates,
Every day is bright,
Every night starlit,
When I wake up in the morning,
Life gives me two choices,
Smile in the present, or wail for the past,
And what do you think I do, I choose to be happy,
The nature rejoices my joy,
The sun smiles at me,
The winds hum my happy little tune,
The little nightingales sing for me every morning,
i believe in me ,
I’m a different soul,
I’m the favorite child of god,
He loves me the most, So Why,
should I expect from those around me,
They have nothing to give,
I give them all my love, but
I’m never alone,
I’m my own best friend,
I’m my own lover, This, life taught me,
Life is a strange teacher,
The teacher teaches and tests,
But life tests and teaches.
It said, you're bored
Coz you're bored of yourself.
But no more.
This world is inviting me,
Come! Conquer!!
My pleasure, my joy
Is not attached to an element,
To a being,
To a desire,
It’s true, eternal and exotic .
Thank you god,
For bestowing life, upon my carcass
Thank you god,
For teaching me all those lessons,
Thank you....thank you....
*****
The First Blow
I always thought,
Friendship is a silent promise
that said,
Wherever you are,
However you are,
I'll be there,
Waiting for you,
No matter how broken you are,
You'll have a shoulder to rest on....
Alas!! I was wrong
Alas!!! I was terribly wrong
Not that my friends haven't ditched me before,
I’ve had numerous examples,
But the grief
That you said that...
Not that it wasn't expected of you,
The person you are,
But what hurts,
You failed to see my pain,
Though you've suffered it for yourself,
Maybe you're right,
Maybe I’m wrong,
Maybe I was expecting a bit too much,
Maybe I’ve bothered you
more t
han I should have,
But you should have known,
That I was in pain,
Deeper than ever,
Painfull than ever,
I do not say we aren't friends anymore,
Nor do I undervalue our beautiful relation,
But you must know,
You were wrong,
I needed you too much
I do not know,
why you did it,
Anyways as always,
You be happy,
Rest assured I’m fine,
Or am I ???
I lost her long ago
maybe its destined so,
Maybe there's a need,
For the curtains to fall,
For the doors to close,
For me to spend a few quiet moments with myself,
With my feelings
And my self....
*****
A Closed Chapter
I miss the tears i wept for you,
I miss the smiles i smiled with you,
I miss the feel of your fingers against mine,
That one last time,
I miss the lies you lied to me,
I miss the pains you gave me,
I miss the fears of losing you,
I miss the love i had for you,
But not with a tinge of repent,
Not the slightest one,
Not that i want you back into my life,
You're not welcome,
Maybe i was just too good for you,
Maybe you got what you deserved,
Maybe my love for you was far more,
Than you could take,
If only you hadn't played wid lives,
But that does not matter now,
I hear people saying true love doesn't have an ending,
I can bet mine was no less,
But yeah I’ve ended it long ago,
And happily so,
You're simply non existent to me,
Or maybe just another chapter,
In the book of my life,
A closed chapter....
*****
Waves
I’m happy,
I’m sad,
I’m happy coz life's finally on track,
the world's good to me,
I’m good to the world,
I’m enjoying my life,
I’m enjoying it mono,
But then there's something missing,
i don't what it is,
but I feel its absence,
there's something that questions,
Why are you happy?,
and sends me back into a terrible low,
i know my faith,
i know how I works,
i know the secret to happiness,
but don't know why it isn't working anymore,
I’m happy for a moment,
and question my happiness the next,
i laugh one moment and go yet in eyes the next,
not that I want to be sad,
but somehow I just can't escape it,
a single seed of pessimism,
multiplies many-folds,
into an entire aura of pessimism around me,
and then everything goes wrong,
i so want to get out of here,
but it turns out to be futile,
i do know that my griefs are illogical,
but nothing helps at the moment,
the negativity is hovering over me,
everybody seems against me,
my faith dwindles, my trust waivers,
i doubt every friend,
every logic has ceased,
tears, my only loyal companions,
i live a life of lies,
lying to myself that all's well,
maybe its not, maybe it is,
i relive my childhood, seeking solace, seeking low,
vain, the joy is transient,
i wish to pray,
but I’m so self occupied,
so I take out this moment,
to kneel before Thee,
i know You love me,
i know I’m cared for,
but please help me out of this,
my life's my own,
let it remain mine,
let me not be controlled,
bless me, guide me, be my teacher,
i kneel before Thee.....
*****
Behind the Closed Doors
Behind the closed doors,
behind the fallen eyelashes,
i find myself in lows again,
every tremor seems disastrous,
i feel lost,
i thought I had escaped it,
i find myself in the same web.....yet again,
i shouldn't have let myself go,
i shouldn't have fallen this time,
alas..!!!! I did,
why did it all have to happen,
maybe to jerk me that there's still a lot unknown in life,
you haven't seen it all yet,
thats right, I haven't seen it all,
but how badly I wish to get out of here,
to fly free,....to fly alone.
to taste the platonic elixir,
sans dependence,
sans attachments,
sans expectations,
to.....where there's true pleasure,
but all that seems all too far now,
i feel lonely, I feel helpless,
i am sinking....deeper and yet deeper...,
there's no calm,unrest prevails,
there's no peace, fear prevails,
time moved on,
i was left behind greiving,
there's an aura of pessimism, as if nothing is right,
life never seemed more meaningless,
death more desirable, .......
until now,
i hate myself for giving up my golden principles,
i hate myself for getting emotional,
i hate myself for apologising so badly,
when I wasn't wrong an inch,
what do I get in return?
ignorance,
formalities,
and a long lasting fear of emotional exposure,
bad deal, beleive me.
yet I want to come out again,
into the free airs, into the infinite skies,
yet I want to fight it again coz...,
somewhere deep down I beleive,
there's a silver lining to my dark horizon,
all I need is strength. the strength of soul,
O mighty cosmos!!
grant me the strength to bear what you put up for me.........
if only 22/5 hadn't occured at all.....
*****
No Man’s Land
Ushering in, the new year
Witnessing how the dates just changed
An ordinary night to many
And I do fly once again
To the distant lands at the first ray of sun
But I wish not for this night to cease
I wish not, to go
My life’s no flowery here either
The mood, that of melancholy
But then what stops me from flying away?
Why my bed, my pillow my folks are so hard to leave?
I always wanted to fly didn’t I?
Dreamt of a life of long flights
And so I lived indeed
Flying, soaring far and wide
Seeing colors through the kaleidoscope of life
But then
What makes me wish
that this night stretch on a little longer..
that maybe this life is still a little more cozy
than the one out there!
The year that just left
Took with it those unfinished stories
Crippled dreams, curbed desires
I’m skeptical about the one coming by tomorro
Yeah tomorrow
and not right now
right now, is the gap between the two
The no man’s land
And that’s exactly where I stand
And I don’t, want to come out
Not that I have a choice
But tomorrow will again start
With the same reality
Just another day
New problems new struggles
The rushes, the messes
The loneliness the pain
But this gap between
It feels different
Thoughts come and depart
But I feel not, a thing
Just observe them silently
Like hanging in that brief moment of time
Right before the break of dawn
When the nature is at its most beautiful
And most silent
The last traces of bright stars
The first signs of the brighter sun
Breathing in, that air
What’s gone is bygone
What’s to arrive in a moment,
Inevitable
But it’s the moment!
Oblivious to both
Tranquil
I wish not for this night to cease
###
Hey guys, now that you,ve completed reading mybook, and I do hope you liked it, any feedback on my works will be most welcome. Feel free to hit me on rawllley.nishant@yahoo.com
-Nishant Rawlley
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