My Lovestory With Life
By Nishant Rawlley
Copyright 2012 Nishant Rawlley
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Table of Contents
1. The Angels of God
2.Those Nights In My City
3. The Unsaid Tale
4. Another Night on the Terrace
5. A Story of Pain
6. Cocoon
7. Helplessness
8. A Tale of a City and a Heart
9. A Toast
10. The Present
11. The Black Flower
12. The Dream
13. Love? Reallly??
14. The Story So Far
15. Meetings
16. I Still Love You
17. The Friendship That Was
18. The Journey Towards Truth
19. Wailing
20. Abandoned Sadness
21. The First Blow
22. A Closed Chapter
23. Waves
24. Behind The Closed Doors
25. No Man’s Land
The Angels of God
Ah I saw them today,
Out of a dark mournful night,
The night that was,
A night of grudges,
A night of fears,
A night echoing "Enough of this life",
And here I stood,
Facing some thirty of you,
Been asked to mind you,
So I give you a glance,
And the miracle sets off,
The very first look, sends in me a breeze of life,
Vivacious faces spilling with enthusiasm,
Brimming with joie-de-vivre,
Laughing and kidding, you little ones....
All of you equally cheerful,
Your smiles coming from the heart, and touching the heart,
Heights no more than my knee length,
Such that I bend down on my knees to catch your
twitters!
You share with me,
Your dolls, your favorite assets,
And for some of you your new dresses,
You keep telling me your birthdays,
The most special things about your life,
And I can't help but pull your cheeks,
I can't help but smile,
Oh!! You made me smile,
For as long as I was with you,
The miracle is in full motion, I’m back in my childhood,
Really....,
Kidding, laughing, sticking out tongues,
Talking about every silly thing in the world,
And we go on and on and on...
And then I ask you to count aloud up to fifty,
And you begin your recitation,
Your recitation has music of purity,
Needless to say, I join you...
How much I wish, I could be you again,
And then its about time, I leave,
So I just casually ask your age,
Some of you proudly announce your ages,
Threes, fours and some fives,
Hmmm so fourteen years of age difference,
I think, and then I think something else,
Fourteen years down the timeline,
When you will be my age,
Would this mean life trap you into its rattraps as well?
Will you also get polluted with hatred, jealousies?
Will you also get corrupted in the filthy politics of life?
The thought makes me shudder with fear,
Please god! Not them,
And I catch my last glance of yours,
Your faces still sweet and innocent,
Unaware of what life holds for you
It turns me emotional...
I wonder, how on earth could there be people,
So simple, so tranquil at hearts,
Enjoying life the way He meant it to be,
Sans hatred, Sans animosities,
Happiness, the way of life,
Far richer than men ten times their age...
You little ones, are the angels of god,
May your innocence be preserved till eternity,
Take care little ducklings..
*****
Those Nights in My City
The utter silence
Amidst the amber streetlights
Glowing above the petite by lanes
Walking through the dark into the light
And back into the dark again
The silence tranquilizing,
The sounds of the night, musical
If only it could stop here
I wish not to move on
To one side of the road,
The hustle of a temple
To another, the silence of the dusk
Silence, meditative
Bringing you to yourself..
Walking by the terrace
Beneath the vast moonlit night
From the amber glow to the milky one
Walking at my own pace
Without the rush of life
Slow
Soaking in, the moment
Living it
Feeling the breeze brush past
Gazing at the moon
And the stars
Thoughts, a flood of memories..
18 yrs of existence
Rolled into one
No, I don't wanna be interrupted
The moment, too serene to go waste
The sounds of her laughter echoing in the silence
Her thoughts bringing a shy smile
A faith that 'm home..
On another night
Driving down the same by lanes
In the old rickety school bus
Night shift fest practice
Another name to fun with best buddies..
Silly Punjabi songs up the 'deck'
But they're good
Reach the heart
The same amber glow
The same me
Looking out the window
Deep immersed in my own thoughts
The longer the drive..
Greater the trance..
For this is my sweet lil small town
*****
The Unsaid Tale
Sitting alone tonight in my four walls
Like the moon, too distant really from the stars
The room dimly lit
I do wish to say something
But, words escape me
Questions instead
I know not what exactly is
That I feel
Cursing god, Questioning God
The mind too smogged
For me to even know the truth
The pain, too deep sunken
For redemption
Questions, too futile
Guilt, for the mistakes
That never happened
Tears, for the past long bygone
Not a soul to understand what I feel
Neither do I
Laughing a bit too hard
Crying harder
Questioning every moment going by
Waiting for the tides to settle,
Will they ever? Will they?
Trying to lose myself
Trying to get a hold
Trying to find meanings
Every solitary night is a battle
Sleep, the
victor
Yeah I cry
I still do
Feeling her somewhere around me
Calling out my name
I see that smile
Definitely hear her laughter
Like she’s right there somewhere
And then the sun smiles
Wickedly though
Waking me up
From the cozy lap of black darkness
To the blinding light of reality
Bringing back the pains
In their entirety and more
She’s gone, long bygone
Happier
And me, am still the wanderer
From a point where I wanted to stand up again
To the one, deep beneath the surface again
Life continues with its many fateful turns
Mercy not the word
Struggling to fight for survival
Falling weaker with its every slash of the sword
Smiling without believing in the happiness
Crying without a reason for the tears
Living in the silence
Not the tranquil one
But the shrieking one
Sharp painful shrieking silence
It’s not too easy..
*****
Another Night on the Terrace
This seems a strange land,
This seems a strange life,
Listening to the breeze blow by,
Listening to the cuckoo sing,
Gazing at things,
Thinking to myself,
Myself,
That’s all I’m left with
Trying to find me, within me,
The me who smiled in the sunny phase of life,
Laughed like he had never laughed before,
They always said, as much you laugh, so shall you cry,
He always ridiculed them
I do not cry,
Ok maybe sometimes,
But that’s only because, there's no better way out
Maybe they were right,
Maybe I’ve exhausted my share of smiles
Insensitive now to the world outside,
And inside
Not a soul to understand me,
And here I am looking into the moonless skies,
There's utter silence out here,
The sound of fireflies in the background,
An occasional breeze brushing past
Thoughts, a flood of memories,
The past, The good past,
Reliving it again in my head,
Trying somehow to bring it back,
The magic that was life
What if I had not taken that one step forward?
Or what if I had, taken that other one???
There's emptiness,
A vacuum devoid of feelings,
Laughing at every little thing,
And then suddenly turning quiet...
Emptiness
A silence
*****
A Story of Pain
I miss you
Yeah
I really do...
I am sorry baby,
Yeah it’s me, the culprit...
If only I hadn't hurt you,
That one fateful day...
But then baby,
You had got the better of me,
I wish you hadn't,
If only you had obeyed..
And maybe it wasn’t entirely your fault either..
Bent by the weights of the world,
I saw no other way..
And I ended up hurting you..
Hell!! I regret it...
I miss you every minute, every second,
We've shared every moment of our lives,
In the past One year, two months and five days..
Please don’t leave me now baby..
I won’t be able to live...
Life, is life no more
If it’s not with you..
You woke me up every sunny morning with your enchanting voice
Reminding me to wish all, on their D days,
All those beautiful moments we shared,
Are still moist in my heart..
You were my window to the world,
Friends, relations, her...
The only vent for the real me..
You were all I ever needed
I realize this now
You fitted every need I ever had...Were the answer to
every question I ever had..
Finally the night would fall,
And you would put me to sleep
With your beautiful melodies...
Without you baby, I’ve lost my sense of time
I don’t know if its day or night...morning or evening...
Please don't do this to me..
You know that am sorry!!!
Please O God.. Mercy!!
Please forgive me baby...
My poor lil Nokia 5233, Full Touch...
I miss you....
*****
Cocoon
Like the tiny insignificant caterpillar
He crawls
He crawls and withdraws into his cocoon
Closing the door behind him
He turns on the dark
And lay close those big questioning eyes
A head clattered with questions
Trying to sleep
In his dreams he asketh for answers
He asketh for solutions
Why on earth this sudden trench?
And he does lie deep
Once again the bottom of the ocean
Life’s funny no doubt
Funny is what you call it when you can call it nothing else
with his eyes still shut closed
another toss
And he's reminded of the familiar moon
That lit up the sky in milk white colors
It used to calm him down
Gliding above him in its own flight
Peaceful quite solitary
The questions used to float awa
Thinning into the dark
But tonight wasn't the night
After all it was the New moon
Tonight he lay there, aid-less, unarmed and beaten
And then the dark took over
Conquereth his senses
But the questions never left
He seeketh answers
Why on earth, this sudden trench?
*****
Helplessness
Like a shadow that never left,
I wish you were here
I wish I could see you smile
and be happy
time seems tough, hard
nights, I lay awake
tossing sides
I want to complaint
but can't.
But it's wrong isn't it?
I mean I was supposed to party,
enjoy after a good long time,
and here I lay
bed ridden, in pain,
mamma slogging all the way
to make me better
no I didn't want it like this
she needs rest too
I can only wish it never happened
It'll still be the same
long days....long nights...
And you
we talk we laugh we feel happy and
I miss you
I know you do
I don't know if sorry is the word
maybe it is
I created all this ruckus
But it was never on purpose
I wanted to party
celebrate my success
to tell you that you cleared too
and it never happened
and it all ends the same way
helplessness
*****
A Tale of a City and a Heart
It happened in the town of Delhi
For once, a naive little fellow stepped in,
Striving by the day
Living the transition
Transition from walking to running
Running without a moment to look back
And soon the city embraced him too..
Or so he felt,
He had someone to rest back upon
Until when, the someone stepped back
Yes he was falling,
But He had his plans too..
Somebody opened her arms just in time,
And he was caught...
Embraced and never allowed to fall,
The city was his again
he had a home now
And somebody waiting back home...
But the good times weren't all their to stay
For the nth time in his life,
Times changed, People changed, Life changed..
People whom he thought would die than give up on him.
A faith of thirty full moons,
And then one day,
It all came down the slide,
Probably, a bit too fast
The home was snatched
The city again an alien enemy,
But he managed to stand again,
Slowly, painfully, tears up to the brim
And then he smiled,
Took life in his face,
Breathed the air around him
Alone
Opened his eyes to life
Laughing to his own jokes,
And not regretting it..
Being solo
And not regretting it
It was different,
He was meeting a person he never met before, himself
Finding within himself what he sought from people,
Giving wings to his own desires,
Seeing and believing the life he wanted for himself
And for once, he smiled
For he owned the city now..
*****
A Toast
A toast for the love of life
One, to the questions that were never answered
And never will be
Another to the mystery called love
May we feel it one day...
To the tears wept in dark rooms
and One To the happy times and the happy memories
One for the relentless efforts
Trying to understand life
To loneliness, and all that it taught us
To the pain we spend our lives fighting
Fearing it might never leave at all
A large, to the messes we got ourselves into
And to the bigger ones created trying to get out
To pain and those pain laden eyes we never shall forget
And to mistakes,
They were fun indeed
One To the friends,
Those who stayed and those who left
They'll always be a part of us
And One to those laughs
And the people we shared them with
They still bring a smile
Another one, To those dreams and those moments
We would trade our lives to live again
And finally the last but never the least
To the wacky crazy wonderful thing called life
And to us who muddle through it
Despite the pains, the messes, the tears and more
May this crazy weird thing go on
For if life was a movie
The least it can be is entertaining
To US the HEROES of our lives
CHEERS!!
*****
The Present
Times keep changing,
The world keeps turning around,
Sitting in the room of gloom,
The door was knocked again,
It was destiny the other side,
She was back again,
But not to take someone away, as she always did,
Today she had brought with herself, You,
You, with a dazzling smile and a radiant face,