There will also be glorious times when you get to run errands alone because your partner or someone else is watching your toddler. On those occasions it will be easy to slip into “super fast-forward racing through the store with a toddler mode,” but it’s important to remind yourself you are not with your toddler. You can actually slow down and shop like a normal human being! Want to inspect the strawberries instead of hurriedly tossing the first carton you can grab into the cart like you’re on Supermarket Sweep? Then do it! You can even go crazy and compare prices! You’ll be glad you did the next time you’re at the market and your toddler is pulling cereal boxes off the shelf.
AFTERMATH:
TRANSITIONING INTO POST-TODDLER LIFE
After forty days and forty nights of torrential rain, Noah awoke on his ark one morning to discover that it had at last stopped raining. He saw the sun was out, that there was a rainbow on the horizon, and in that moment realized that the worst was behind him. Like Noah, you too will wake one morning to discover a very different world than you were used to. When you tell your child “no,” she won’t flop onto the floor and kick her feet. When you go to the bathroom, she won’t follow you in there and unspool the toilet paper roll. And when you eat a piece of cheese, she won’t reach for it with her sticky, little hands and screech, “Mine!” Will your child suddenly be a total angel? No, of course not. She will now be a preschooler (they come with their own set of problems), but the worst will be behind you. You will have emerged from the Toddler Wars triumphant!
Moving forward won’t be so simple, however. You will have spent a long time adjusting to life with a toddler, and letting go of it may prove difficult. Many suffer from POFT (Parents of Former Toddlers) disorder. They continue to only eat out at fast food restaurants long after their kid is able to handle something a little more formal. Other sufferers still wake in the night humming that Elmo song. In order to live freely again, you must let go of these things. If you don’t, the toddlers will have won!
Ironically, once you do finally leave your kid’s toddlerhood in the past, it will likely start to seem like nothing but a bad dream. Your memories will grow hazy, and you’ll question whether the worst of it actually happened. You’ll think, “I seem to have a memory of my toddler peeing in the mall fountain in front of hundreds of horrified people, but that couldn’t have happened, could it? No, I must have seen that on television.”
In most instances, forgetting these traumas will be healthy, but it can be dangerous too. Forget what a toddler is really like, and you may make the mistake of agreeing to babysit someone’s toddler. You may even decide to have another child (a.k.a. a future toddler) without giving it the proper consideration. Deciding to have another toddler should only be done with a clear-headed understanding of what you will have to endure once again. (Re-reading this survival guide is one way you can properly reacquaint yourself with the realities of toddlerhood.)
Finally, we would be remiss in our duties if we failed to acknowledge that no one knows what awaits humankind if this epidemic of extreme toddler dysfunction continues. While it’s possible this scourge will run its course (and toddlers will return to being the midlevel troublemakers they’d been for thousands of years) toddlerologists warn that toddlers may grow even more unruly and advanced in their mischief. If that happens and tomorrow’s toddlers make today’s look like sweet little cherubs… well, it’s best that we don’t even contemplate it.
For now, the only ill-behaved toddler you will have to contend with is your own. We hope this handbook serves you well. Godspeed, parents.
INDEX
aftermath, 187
air travel, 130
amusement parks, 145
animals. See pets
baby gates, 12
babyproofing, 11, 27, 137, 144
babysitters, 34, 35, 82, 98, 174
BashÅ, Matsuo, 56
bathrooms, 71
bedtime routine, 152
safety, 14
bath time, 73
beaches, 110, 112
bedtime, 149
announcing, 150
with babysitter, 84
bathroom routine, 152
getting toddler back to sleep, 158
routine, 154
story time, 155
waking during night, 157
beverages. See drinks
Breuil, Henri Édouard-Prosper, 17
bribes, 53, 147, 162, 169
Bultew, Terry, 23
cabinets, 15, 27, 29
candy, 27, 38, 43, 50, 60
cars. See vehicles
cats. See pets
cleaning products, 29
cleanliness. See grooming
climbing, 27, 28
clothing, 18, 46, 47, 78, 113
communication
“baby speak,” 33
conversations with, 38, 40
early forms of, 32
first words, 33
hand signs, 33
inappropriate comments, 35, 36
interpretation, 31, 34, 40
late stage toddlers, 37
manipulation by toddlers, 42
parent narration, 32
pronunciations, 35, 36
public embarrassment, 35, 37
silences, 38, 92
with strangers, 91, 92
talking too much, 34, 35
computers, 20
crying. See tantrums
dangerous items, 29
dentist trips, 68, 120
diaper changes, 132, 135
dirt, 18, 65, 70
discipline, 14, 86
distraction, 38, 51, 67, 106, 116
doctor’s offices, 115
drawer locks, 27
dressing, 78
drinks, 19, 62
driving. See vehicles
eating. See food
electrical outlets, 12, 27
emergency room visits, 11, 20
entertainment, 130, 134, 139
errands, 184
faucets, 15
fears, 72, 74, 113, 120, 155, 165
fingerprints, 19, 46
flailing limbs, 20, 22
food, 45
candy, 27, 38, 43, 50, 60
ice cream, 62
parent’s food, 57
snacks, 48, 61, 62, 114, 131
sugar, 38, 48, 114, 145
vegetables, 53
when traveling, 139, 145
friends
other toddlers, 88
parents going out with, 177, 180
furniture, 19, 20, 28
gardens, 16
germs, 115, 121
Gladiator, 118
grandparents, 85
grocery stores, 124, 184
grooming, 65
bath time, 73
hair care, 74, 75
hand washing, 68, 72
nails, 69, 72
teeth brushing, 66
hair care, 74, 75
haircuts, 77
handprints, 19, 46
hand washing, 68, 72
hiding places, 27, 52, 105
historical toddler dysfunction, 6
babysitter experiences, 98
cave paintings of, 17
on the Mayflower, 136
picky eaters, 56
public tantrums, 39, 118
restaurant for parents with toddlers, 178
hitting, 22, 90
home inspections, 14
home preparation, 9, 27
breakages, 11, 16, 19, 20, 87, 99
new normal, 10
protecting walls, 12
relative’s homes, 144
hotels, 137
injuries, 20, 22, 26
kicking, 22, 32, 42, 125, 131
landscaping, 15
Lascaux Cave, 17
laundry stains, 46, 47, 50, 65, 78, 79, 139
light switches, 15
Lincoln, Abraham, 39
locks, 27, 29
mak
eup, 71
manipulation, 42
markers, 14, 70
mealtime. See also food away from table, 19, 61
bibs, 46
eating out, 104
embracing the mess, 46
missteps, 47
neatness, 47, 70
toddlers on your lap, 59
utensils, 47
movie theaters, 113
naps, 21, 22, 109
negotiation, 47
nightmares, 157
outdoors, 15, 18
parents
after toddler goes to bed, 172
alertness, 14, 15, 29
alone time, 183
date night, 174
identity, 177
injuries from toddlers, 20, 22
mini-vacations, 181
morale, 171
napping, 21, 22
narrating for toddlers, 32
partner time, 173, 174
possessions, 18, 99
Seeing friends, 177, 180
sleep, 173
supervision, 13, 14, 15, 60, 70
taking turns, 156, 184
parks, 107
pediatricians. See doctor’s offices
Pennington, Aubrey Vanderbilt, 98
pets, 18, 71, 100
phones, 19, 24
physical altercations, 20, 22, 90, 123
play areas, 62, 107, 121
play dates, 88
plumbing problems, 14, 15, 71
Poltergeist, 12
pools, 141
post-toddler life, 187
potty training, 149
accidents, 74, 164, 167, 168
methods, 162
pitfalls, 168
public restrooms, 110, 166
signs of readiness, 160
public adventures, 103, 111
public restrooms, 71, 166
regression, 95, 168
relatives
grandparents, 85, 144
visiting, 142
restaurants, 104
road trips, 134, 137
rules, 86
scratching, 22
sharing, 89, 90
shyness, 93
siblings, 93, 99
sleep. See bedtime
snacks, 48, 61, 62, 114, 131
socialization, 81
other toddlers, 88
random strangers, 90
spills, 19, 20
spoiling, 144
strangers, 90
strollers, 146
sunscreen, 112, 141
supermarket trips, 124, 184
supervision, 13, 14, 15, 60, 70
swimming, 112, 141
talking. See communication
tantrums, 22, 32, 42, 127
teeth brushing, 66
televisions, 20, 28, 138, 164
toddlerproofing, 27, 137, 144. See also home preparation
toddler vision, 49
toilets, 14, 25, 71, 167. See also potty training
“Toodles, Toddler,” 178
toys, 20
in bath, 74
siblings and, 96
in pools, 141
sharing, 89
taking to play areas, 123
in waiting rooms, 115
while traveling, 130
travel. See vacations
treats. See candy; snacks
vacations, 129
flying, 130
hotels, 137
mini-vacations, 181
road trips, 134, 137
vegetables, 53
vehicles, 61, 134, 137
walls, drawing on, 12
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Mike Spohr is the founding editor of BuzzFeed Parents. Heather Spohr writes the popular parenting website The Spohrs Are Multiplying. Graduates of the University of Southern California, they live in Los Angeles, where they survived the toddler wars with their kids.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Mike: I would like to thank my parents, Anthony and Kathy Spohr, for their unending support (and for taking me to at least one hundred San Francisco Giants games as a kid). Thanks also to Erin La Rosa and Peggy Wang of BuzzFeed, for their professional support.
Heather: I would like to thank my parents, Kirk and Linda Buchanan, for always encouraging and supporting my dreams (and for babysitting while I try to achieve them!). I’d also like to thank my grandmother, Mary Alice, for the confidence she instilled in me and for her love.
Together we’d like to thank our editor, Thom O’Hearn, for his guidance, as well as James Kegley, Caitlin Fultz, Ted Slampyak, and the rest of the book’s team. Last but not least: thanks to our kids, Madeline, Annabel, and James. (Annabel, by the way, would like you to know she “wrote a couple of the jokes” in this book, which is true!)
© 2017 Quarto Publishing Group USA Inc.
Text © 2017 Mike Spohr and Heather Spohr
First published in 2017 by Voyageur Press, an imprint of The Quarto Group,
401 Second Avenue North, Suite 310, Minneapolis, MN 55401 USA.
T: (612) 344-8100 F: (612) 344-8692 QuartoKnows.com
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission of the copyright owners. All images in this book have been reproduced with the knowledge and prior consent of the artists concerned, and no responsibility is accepted by producer, publisher, or printer for any infringement of copyright or otherwise, arising from the contents of this publication. Every effort has been made to ensure that credits accurately comply with information supplied. We apologize for any inaccuracies that may have occurred and will resolve inaccurate or missing information in a subsequent reprinting of the book.
Voyageur Press titles are also available at discount for retail, wholesale, promotional, and bulk purchase. For details, contact the Special Sales Manager by email at specialsales@quarto.com or by mail at The Quarto Group, Attn: Special Sales Manager, 401 Second Avenue North, Suite 310, Minneapolis, MN 55401 USA.
Digital edition: 978-0-76035-970-9
Softcover edition: 978-0-76035-219-9
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Spohr, Mike, author. | Spohr, Heather, author.
Title: The toddler survival guide : complete protection from the whiny unfed / Mike Spohr, Heather Spohr.
Description: Minneapolis : Voyageur Press, [2017]
Identifiers: LCCN 2016059312 | ISBN 9780760352199 (hardback)
Subjects: LCSH: Child rearing--Humor. | Toddlers--Humor. | Parenting--Humor. | BISAC: HUMOR / Topic / Marriage & Family. | FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Parenting / Fatherhood. | FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Parenting / Motherhood.
Classification: LCC PN6231.C315 S64 2017 | DDC 649/.10207--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016059312
Acquiring Editor: Thom O’Hearn
Project Manager: Alyssa Bluhm
Art Director: James Kegley
Page Designer: Amelia LeBarron
Cover Illustrator: James Kegley
Interior Illustrator: Ted Slampyak
Layout: Erin Fahringer