know where the umbilical's hidden, breaking down that
skin even slightly would cause a massive implosion drawing
everything into itself and turning it into one vile mess of
formless flesh. Inside out.'
'Exactly so, Doctor. In other words, my dear, destroy us
and you destroy yourselves. Here -' He/they held up his/
their hand so that his/their sleeves fell back, revealing his/
their skin with its strange pewter-coloured radiance. 'That's
what antimatter looks like when it's controlled by the power
of Law.'
'Law?' Amy was outraged. 'Law? You think putting on a
circus ringmaster's uniform and invading a peaceful ship in
deep space is legal?'
'I'm referring, Missy, to a higher form of Law. To the
highest form of Law which counters the kind of Chaos your
master so enjoys spreading through the cosmos.'
Amy's red hair might have been on fire as she stepped
forward. 'What did you call me? What did you call him?
You little creep! I'm going to rip that silly hat off your head
a n d - '
'Hat?' said Frank/Freddie Force, glancing around.
'No!' This time it was the captain who put his huge body
between them. 'Miss Amy. It's not - not —' He seemed lost
for words.
'Safe?' Frank/Freddie Force chuckled. 'Not at all safe for
any of us. We're taking considerable risks, you know. We've
never sailed this near to the Rim.'
'Why are you so far from home, Frank/Freddie?' the Doctor
wanted to know. 'Keeping company with the worst pirates.
Risking our lives and yours. I suppose you had no choice.
There isn't a ship from your own hemisphere could get you
here. I didn't expect you ever to want to fly so close to the
edge of this galaxy.'
'I enjoy a surprise, don't you? It should be obvious. We
knew you'd start falling back in around this time. So we came
as far as sanity allowed us and waited for you. Duty, Doctor
dear, makes us take unusual risks, n'est-ce pas?'
The Doctor glared. 'Spare us your hypocrisy, Frank/
Freddie. What are you hoping to steal from this ship?'
'Steal? Come along, Doctor. Let's not get on high horses
here. We'd be wise to keep our tempers, too. This is what
you could call a tense, even implosive, situation, tee hee. If
either of us gets too touchy well all be in the treacle, eh?' His
men exchanged insane grins, enjoying their leader's humour.
'Golly,' they said. 'Oh Golly! Ha ha ha!'
Amy thought the scene disturbing in a number of ways,
not least the conscious theatricality assumed by Force and
Co. That was more than a bit creepy. Yet it was hard for her to
see as a serious threat this sinister little man, with his curling
mustachios and his ringmaster's coat, his bright crimson
trousers with the sharp blue stripe tucked into gleaming
black boots with huge spurs jingling on them; but she could
tell from the Doctor's body language that this was about as
serious as it got. He had already hinted as much, hoping that
he would never have to do more than hint. But now they
faced each other in a stalemate.
Amy had picked up a little about the antimatter universe
from the Doctor, and they'd met an old philosophical
jummybug on Latest Io who had explained to her about
Law and Chaos; how the universe maintained stability and
creativity, balancing between Law on the one hand and Chaos
on the other. But they were not the same thing. Professor
Ormic, the learned jummybug, had given the impression that
philosophically he saw their universe not in terms of good
and evil, but in terms of the fundamentals of the multiverse.
Law and Chaos - order and creativity - matter and antimatter
were qualities which became good or evil depending on their
context.
In balance, Professor Ormic had told her, these qualities
kept the multiverse from becoming too rigidly organised or
too disorganised. Constant regeneration. There had always
been people of quite disparate origins who dedicated their
lives to maintaining the status quo, explained the professor.
In the history of the cosmos the balance tilted sometimes one
way, sometimes another. The Time Lords had once helped to
maintain that balance. The professor pointed out that what
he called the Cosmic Balance was a symbolic construct for
something enormously complex. He could have told her
more, but the maths would have been overwhelming. The
Balance was the way in which the multiverse maintained its
equilibrium so that neither side tilted too far in one direction
or another, since these were the two more or less equal forces
which kept the multiverse from collapsing into nothingness.
Matter and antimatter were not the same as Law and Chaos,
of course. Law and Chaos existed in both spheres.
Amy had become used to some strange experiences in
the Doctor's company and this was one of the strangest: to
be standing listening to these two humanoids, one of them
representing Law, the other Chaos, discussing the weirdest
philosophical and metaphysical ideas as if they were tangible
realities.
There was something hallucinatory about this moment.
Minutes earlier Amy had watched coloured rods of light climb
along a ray of energy and enter their ship. Now a villain -
actually two villains - Frank/Freddie Force, had materialised
before her eyes. She had faced far worse monsters, without a
doubt, but for some reason she was as scared of this bizarrely
uniformed little man (or strictly two little men in one body)
and his gang as she had ever been of anything. Everything
about Frank/Freddie was wrong: the pink and pewter glaze
of his skin, constantly squirming and wriggling as it quite
literally kept the brothers together; the oddly coloured face
that might have been painted on using clown make-up; the
bright pantomime tints of that uniform, all clashing in subtle
ways she could not quite describe; and the way the Antimatter
Men imitated General Force, even echoing his gestures from
time to time. Amy felt physically sick when she looked at
them. She glanced at Captain N'hn and the Doctor to see if
they too were experiencing the same sensations.
Certainly there was an expression of intense loathing on
the centaur's face. Of course he might have looked the same at
any invader who'd tried to take over his tanker. The Doctor's
face was an angry mask.
'What possesses you to continue these assaults on us?'
He gestured with the bow and arrows still clutched in his
right hand. 'Why can't you stay in your own sphere of the
multiverse?' He glared at General Force. 'We have never once
attempted to invade you or change you, yet you're obsessed
with invading us. Why?'
'It is in the nature of Law, Doctor.' Frank/Freddie Force's
over-bright features split in a grin of challenging mockery. 'We
are concerned with what you might do some day. What you
mi
ght do. We cannot help ourselves. It is a constant irritant -
an itch which demands to be scratched. Be Prepared. We are
driven to make neat as strongly as you, Doctor, are driven to
put cats among pigeons, throw spanners in works!'
'Except that I'm not driven to create strife where there is
peace. I don't feel an irresistible urge to spill the milk or stir
a pot or whatever else you imply I love to do. I don't travel
about the universe constantly seeking the moribund and
trying to quicken pulses. Yet you are apparently maddened
by the unpredictable, disturbed by everything which isn't
thoroughly straightened and mapped and catalogued and -
what?'
'Controlled is the word you're looking for, Doctor. Without
the proper controls we can't see ahead - we can't make accurate
predictions. The Future goes dreadfully, terribly, miserably
wonky! Can't you see that? You and your "empathy"? Can't
you sense how horrible that makes us feel? How can I make
you understand the uncertainties of an intelligent antimatter
being? Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly, Doctor. I gotta do
one thing till I die. I can't help myself. It's in my anti-DNA. I
am who I am. I'm General Force for Law. We are the Forces
for Law. We work in the name of the Law and in the name of
the Law I demand that you give me—'
'You'll not take our cargo,' swore Captain N'hn. 'I'll blow
us all up before I let you.'
'Absolutely! Don't let the beggars threaten you, captain!'
Bingo Lockesley spoke from behind Amy. The other
Gentlemen had turned up and were crowding around the
door. 'I heard all that rot. We don't like your kind of cop.
Every system needs its elements of irregularity in order to
flourish. That's natural.'
'Who are these comic opera bounders?' demanded Hari
Agincourt. 'Surely you're not going to take them seriously,
captain?'
'Oh, I'm taking them seriously,' said the captain grimly.
'So am I,' agreed the Doctor. 'So am I.'
'All we want from this ship, Doctor, is what our instruments
detected.' Freddie gestured with his ringmaster's whip. 'East
is West and West is East and the right way we have chosen.
What we came here to find. Once we have it, well leave you
in peace, I promise. It's nothing. A trifle. Less than a trifle.
A mere confection made from silks and satins, buttons and
bows, rings and things, felt and strings and bits of wire. Not
worth the life of one of the least of your people. Indeed—'
'What is it?' The Doctor's voice held a grim, threatening
note now. 'You are a cynic and a sadist, General Force, for all
your claims. What is it you want from us?'
'An item of clothing, that's all. Something one of your
passengers brought aboard. We've crossed half a universe to
find it. A lady's hat, no more. The kind of decoration I love
to affect, as you know.' He doffed his own shako, its plume
nodding and bobbing. The shivering energy skin, which held
him together, formed a kind of peak at the top of his head
before flattening off and squirming just above the surface of
his well-creamed hair. 'A hat. A milliner's confection.'
'Gosh!' Bingo, still in the doorway, was momentarily taken
aback. 'I say!' But, as various sets of eyes focused on him,
the presence of mind which made him a great Tournament
Captain came to his aid quickly, and he added. 'Is that why
you've gone to so much trouble? I have to say it seems a bit
unlikely, what?' He looked about him a little uncertainly, as
if half-expecting Mrs Banning-Cannon to emerge from the
crowd. 'A lady's hat, did you say?'
'Were you on Peers™ a few days ago?' asked Flapper
Banning-Cannon from behind Hari. 'Pinching people's
titfers and chapeaux all over the bally place? If so, I think my
mother would like a word with you. Stay right there, please.
I'll fetch her!'
General Force appeared to grow a little warm. 'Don't you
play games with me, Missy. I haven't time for games. If you
know where the hat is, I would advise you to come clean at
once!'
'It's not your bally hat!' cried Hari protectively. 'And if
you continue offering these young ladies threats, I'll have to
ask you to place the matter with me! We don't take kindly to
hat thieves in these parts.'
He stood with his hands on his hips ready to face the
Hounds of Hell, the Armies of the Night, the Gadarene Swine
and any other bunch of barmy bozos who thought they could
threaten the love of his life. 'You're a bounder, that's what
you are!'
'A dashed bounder,' echoed his friend. (There is no tighter
bond than that of the recently rebonded.)
'All for one and one for all,' said Flapper firmly. 'I'm so glad
you two are chums again.' She turned to face the minuscule
general. 'So was it you?'
'Was it me what?'
'Was it you who pinched my poor, distraught mother's
favourite headgear?'
Frank/Freddie Force scowled.
'Well? Was it?' Flapper demanded
'I don't know what you're talking about. What I'm asking
is, you must admit, not exactly stripping this ship to the bone.
I'm asking you to deliver to myself and my men, so that we
can all continue about our business, one hat, label of Diana of
Loondoon. It's easily recognised. Pink ribbons. A large bow.
About fifty feathers. Clouds of yellowish lace...' He waved a
gauntleted hand. 'You know the sort of thing.'
booming tones of Flapper's formidable dam. 'If indeed it was
you who had the nerve, the temerity to steal my hat when
we were staying at Lockesley Hall, I shall ensure that you are
charged with the crime and punished to the fullest extent of
the Law!'
'Oh, this is nonsense!' swore General Force. 'I represent
Law, madam and that hat is - is...'
'What? Evidence in a case? That's absolutely correct, my
good lunatic A case of theft, not to mention damage to a
work of art, gross negligence in the question of leaving the
said work of art to be left out in all weathers, which led to
further damage and—'
'Madam! Be silent!' Frank/Freddie Force squeaked. 'If you
possess the hat I demand that you—'
'Demand, is it? Be silent is it?' By the sheer power of her personality Enola Banning-Cannon forced herself to the
front rank where she stood glaring over the military man,
made utterly fearless by her firm knowledge of her own
righteousness. 'You sneak into a respectable woman's private
apartments, rummage through her wardrobe, purloin an
expensive item of clothing, are unable to escape with your
spoils, abandon them to the elements and then chase off into
space, sneaking around until you find a second opportunity
and then descend to make threats - coarse threats - to her
friends and loved ones in an attempt to lay hands on her hat
for the second time in a fortnight - whereupon you—'
'Madam!' Beneath the wriggling protective armour, Frank/
Freddie Force's skin glowed an unprepossessing peach,
clashing with his coat and causing his companions to stare at
him in alarm. 'I DID NOT STEAL YOUR HAT!!!'
'Raise your voice to me now, would you, you nasty little
upstart?' trumpeted the mighty matriarch. 'And what's more
you utter the grossest of lies. I am stunned into silence at such
disgusting, ungentlemanly behaviour. When I left home to
begin this tour, I never anticipated for a moment that I would
encounter someone who rushes around the universe stealing
the personal clothing of poor, fragile females who rely only
on male chivalry for protection!'
The Doctor seemed rather shamefacedly to withdraw
from this exchange, thoughtfully fingering his bow tie with
one hand and his borrowed bow and arrows with the other.
'Where is the hat? If you would save yourselves and your
ship, you will give me that hat.' Frank/Freddie Force took a
step towards Mrs Banning-Cannon but was intercepted by
Hari Agincourt.
'You jolly well shan't have anything on this ship if you
clearly no gentleman.'
This piqued the general. For any biologist wondering if
it was possible to flush over a blush, Frank/Freddie Force
demonstrated indisputably that it could be done. And he
growled a response.
'Clearly,' agreed Amy, her eyes widening as General Force
rounded on her.
Which brought Bingo Lockesley to the fore. 'Don't you
dare threaten this - this - angel!'
Force began to unbutton the holster on his belt.
'Careful now!' The centaur saw Force's intention. 'Hell -
qah!' He stepped aside, tail swirling, his face suffused with
horror as the Doctor coolly fitted a practice arrow to his bow
and, drawing back the string, let fly at a particular point on
Frank/Freddie Force's left buttock.
The arrow reached its target and stuck there, quivering.
The 'skin' had not been pierced, but the blunt arrow had
found the subcutaneous so-called umbilical. A sudden silence
fell. The Antimatter Men stared at their wounded leader who
very carefully turned, disbelievingly, one hand around the
shaft of the arrow.
Nothing happened.
Frank/Freddie Force drew a tight, shaky breath and looked
behind him. 'Golly! Oh, golly! Oh, golly, golly, golly!'
He gulped.
Then he began very slowly to walk towards the nearest