Your books sell well, and I’ve loved all of them. Don’t change, and more importantly, don’t worry – it’s only words!
G
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: gethyn-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bits and Bobs
Date: 5 May
You are not only quoting Austen but the Bee Gees now, too! And you’ve proved my point, exactly. I am flabbergasted you can quote Austen – should a doctor from the valleys be able to do so? This is madness.
From: gethyn-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bits and Bobs
Date: 4 May
Don’t worry. That Austen quote is the only line I can remember from my O Level English Lit (and I’ve been waiting twenty years for a conversation to develop in such a way to allow me to use it!).
By the way, I’ve done as you said and written down my dream. Whenever I feel low, I take the piece of paper out of my pocket, imagine the scenario and smile. Maybe one day my dream will come true, but for now, it’s bed time for me.
Good night, Agatha Braithwaite
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: gethyn-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bits and Bobs
Date: 5 May
Sweet dreams. Gethyn Evans
From: simonday14@hotmail.com
To: Rosie-of-arabia@hotmail.com
Subject: I’m a Dick
Date: 9 May
Hi, Rosie-anna Fish-face
What’s my little sis doing in the big bad desert, then? Dad tells me you’re in Iraq, which means I can’t leave you alone for two minutes without you getting into trouble. Life in Australia is great. Loads going on. Just in case you’re too busy to reply (you know how unreliable you are) I’ve written a reply email for you. All you have to do is delete the words that don’t apply then cut and paste onto a new email. Here you go:
Hi Simon, my beloved/adored/despised brother
I miss/hate/want to kill you so much. Life here in Iraq is great/shit/abysmal. I’ve found/shagged/shot Saddam Hussein and I’m ready to go home to Blighty for tea and cake/medals/defleeing. I have missed/adored/wanted to kill you every day since you left home. I’m happy/pissed off/suicidal at the thought of carrying the burden of looking after Mum and Dad in their dotage and all I want is for you to be happy/sad/dead in your new life. On the whole I’m a happy/carefree/lonely single woman without Josh and I’m having the best/worst/most horrific time of my life.
Love you, you’re the best/worst/most mediocre brother in the whole world.
Your adoring/irritated/insane sister, Rosie-anna Fishface
Take care and don’t get blown up!
Love ya, Si
From: rosie-of-arabia@hotmail.com
To: simonday14@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: I’m a Dick
Date: 9 May
Hi Si
Well, it’s about time. Yes, you are a dick. Here’s my reply. I’ve added a few bits:
Hi Simon, my beloved brother
I miss you so much. Life here in Iraq is abysmal. I’ve not seen Saddam Hussein and I’m ready to go home to Blighty for tea and de-fleeing. I have wanted to kill you every day since you left home.
I’m happy at the thought of carrying the burden of looking after Mum and Dad in their dotage (but I would rather do it with you) and all I want is for you to be happy in your new life (in England). On the whole I’m a lonely single woman without Josh and I’m having the most horrific time of my life. I miss my brother more than he could ever know.
Love you, you’re the worst brother in the whole world (because you left me).
Your adoring sister, Rosie-anna Fishface
Yep, that just about sums things up. So, how’s it really going for you, down under? No bullshit this time.
Rosie
From: gethyn-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: On the move
Date: 12 May
Dear Aggie
I have news. I’m definitely going to Basra Palace next week and then I’m flying home, date TBC. I’m pleased, but I will miss my little friend, Rosie.
What’s the weather like these days in Scotland? Who have you had in the café this week? Rosie was laughing because we were talking about you taking a self-imposed Hippocratic oath as a café owner, but she reckons you won’t be able to resist spilling the beans; so come on, who have your most entertaining customers been to date, and what’s the latest on Nathan Browne?
G
From: josh71@hotmail.com
Subject: Lazy Bones
Date: 13 May
Hi Rosie
You’re welcome regarding the house renovations, but if you really want to know what you were doing while I was lost in DIY SOS, then I’m afraid you were devouring 25 Beautiful Homes magazine while drinking coffee and resting your arse on the AGA. I didn’t mind. You looked happy during those times.
Josh
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: My Future
Date: 13 May
Hi, Rosie
Violin? Not guilty. What kind of an imbecile would send a violin to a soldier in the desert?
Anyhow, your letter got me thinking about my future – what type of a woman will I be when I’m sixty? Where will I be?
You’ll love this – I closed my eyes and a really clear image came to mind – it was awesome. I was standing outside my villa in Spain with a glass of wine in my hand, a loving partner cooking up a storm in the kitchen and lots of lovely guests arriving for a party. Future me is cool, she doesn’t sweat the small stuff. She exercises regularly (a yoga buff, I think) but eats well and when she eats she enjoys every mouthful. She’s still sexy at sixty, and she’s sexy because she’s full of joy. In sum, I LOVE me at sixty. What about you? Who will you be at sixty?
But back to now, is it all over now you’re settled? I thought we were still at war? Gethyn wrote that he’s moving on. One minute you were in the midst of battle and the next it all seems to have ended? I’m confused.
Life in Appledart continues in the same vein - peaceful. I’m considering turning in my quill and inkpot for good, selling up in Yorkshire (sod Mum) and building a house next to Ishmael overlooking the beach. We’ve had two false alarms on the Nathan Browne front, but at least Shaun and Hector are keen to help out. The second false alarm was indeed a silver fox type chap and was fairly good-looking, but he was on a pilgrimage to the café because (wait for it); he’d lost his job, his wife had recently had a wild affair and left him for his brother and taken everything with her, and he is now living in a bedsit in Wolverhampton. To add insult to injury, while sitting in the doctor’s surgery waiting for the results of a testicular cancer test (I know, this man has seriously shit-out) he was chatting to a woman who had visited Anya two years before and her life had been on the up ever since. So, he spent the last cash he had on giving Anya a go. He was too depressed to notice he had been held hostage in the pub by Shaun for four hours, and, thank the Lord, he left Anya’s house with a smile on his face and a spring in his step.
The other false alarm was a double glazing salesman who also spreads the word of our Lord during his travels. Poor chap was on the cusp of losing his faith. He spent several hours with Ishmael in the café and, not surprisingly, left even more of a confused man (Ishmael is particularly well-read and can bamboozle even the best of us with his unique mix of spirituality, science knowhow and – occasionally - common sense). So, we’re still on the lookout for Nathan, but at least Isabella has stopped crying and has started to dress well rather than impersonate a bag lady. Ta ta for now.
Aggie
P.S. Any details on Gethyn’s relationship? Obviously, I’m just interested, not ‘interested’. He seems like a nice chap.
From: rosie-of-arabia
@yahoo.com
To: josh71@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Lazy Bones
Date: 14 May
Lazy bones? Arse on the Aga? Is that really how you remember me? I’m sure I did some decorating?
From: josh71@yahoo.com
To: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Lazy Bones
Date: 14 May
Yes, on the Aga – and occasionally on the settee (in front of the fire). I’ll take a trip to Yorkshire in June, I’m due some holiday. I’ll take all the tools back then. Hope all is good your end?
Josh
From: gethyn-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Bored
Date: 15 May
Hi, Aggie
I’m bored. Did you ever find out if Ishmael and Anya are close?
G
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: gethyn-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Bored
Date: 15 May
Dear, Gethyn
In order to answer your question, first I need to ask you a question. I know you hate superfluous use of quotation, but are you asking if Ishmael and Anya are ‘close’ or just, close?
A
From: gethyn-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Bored
Date: 15 May
OK, you win. Are they ‘close’?
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: gethyn-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Bored
Date: 15 May
Ah, now I understand. See, without the use of inverted commas I was unsure as to your meaning. The answer is: I still don’t know for sure, but I’m pretty certain they’re shagging.
Speaking of Ishmael, he is now called Moses and I fear this may be my fault. We had a few too many whiskeys at the pub last week and Ishmael and I got talking about the importance of awarding the right name to the characters in my books. This led onto discussing how, in choosing a baby name, parents almost certainly dictate the path of a child’s life. You know the sort of thing, ‘would a rose under any other name smell so sweet.’ Would someone called Posy Piper ever be Prime Minister? Or in my case, would Agatha Braithwaite ever be a best-selling novelist? No, but Isabella Gambini would. Ishmael violently disagreed (it was a little bit tense for a while). Eventually, he confessed that, in fact, his name is not Ishmael at all, it’s Marc. But he likes to say to people, ‘Call me Ishmael,’ which is the first line in Moby Dick. I said that if I changed my name to Summer Santiago, I could write books of great spirituality and import, which led us on to discuss the idea of reinvention of character, and we asked ourselves this question: could we, by a simple change of name, clothing and even accent, truly reinvent ourselves, or would our basic (at the core of the soul) personality, give us away in the end?
We argued it down to the bone and arrived at no final conclusion, but the next day, Ishmael walked into the café and, just as I was about to say, ‘Good morning, Ishmael’, he put his hand up and said, ‘For the next month, I’m called Moses.’ Unfortunately, I was unable to get into a deep discussion regarding the choice of this particular name because Shaun pitched up with a couple of lobsters (did you know they’re deep blue before they’re cooked?). However, I did discover that Moses (Ishmael) believes that Moses (the fella with the burning bush) is a misunderstood anti-hero with a speech impediment, so I’m looking forward to delving into that particular topic of discussion next time we’re at the pub. But if Moses takes his new role too far, for example, if he adopts a stutter, renames Ben Nevis as Mount Sinai and tries to lead us away from Appledart over the hills to redemption, I shall have to slap him (we can only hope he isn’t summoning up a flood as I type – or was that Noah?).
Speaking of mountains, I’m climbing one tomorrow – with Moses.
More anon, Aggie
From: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Future Self?
Date: 15 May
Hi, Ag
I’m confused. I’ve tried to imagine my future, like Mum said. Where will I be? What will I be doing? Nothing came to mind – no image at all. Is this bad? Oh, and Gethyn says you’re climbing a mountain tomorrow – at least that’s something else ticked off the list!
Rosie
From: gethyn-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Flying Home
Date: 16 May
Hi, Ag
Just a thought. Maybe I could take some R&R at Appledart next month? Is there a B&B? Let me know when you get back from the mountain safe and sound.
Gethyn
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Gethyn
Date: 16 May
Hi, Rosie
Don’t worry about it. Imagining your future self when you’re at a crossroads is a daft idea. Mine was just a load of far-fetched nonsense. You’ll get there. You’re in the middle of a war. It’s confusing. Just get yourself home in one piece, come to Appledart and we’ll sort everything out then.
So, here’s the big question. Is Gethyn handsome? You still haven’t told me the latest situation on the girlfriend front? Answer this email immediately.
Love, Ag
P.S. Please let Gethyn know I’m back safe and sound from the mountain hike. In all honesty it wasn’t an actual ‘mountain’ but it was a bloody big hill and a VERY long walk (so I’m still ticking it off the list). Next item – sleeping under the stars!
From: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Gethyn
Date: 17 May
Hi, Aggie
So, you are ‘interested’. Fabulous. Well:
It turns out that Gethyn phoned his girlfriend last week, but neither one of them had anything to say. They emailed each other after the call and both decided the best course of action was to let each other go. It would be unfair to discuss this further, but needless to say, he’s not heartbroken. He feels free and optimistic. Perhaps your books have worked their magic on him. I think he feels the need for adventure, fun and, dare I say it, a little romance? His ex-partner, although a very talented doctor, would apparently have scorned if he had revealed a romantic/devil-may-care side to his personality.
Is he handsome? What a question! Come on, Ag, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, you know that.
Love, Rosie
P.S. I’ve told Gethyn you’re back safe and he says to say that you CANNOT class a hill as a mountain, you lazy cow!
P.P.S. Have you slept under the stars yet? I have bagged this one to death and I can honestly say it’s over-rated – I’d kill for a squidgy double bed and a cosy duvet right now!
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Gethyn
Date: 17 May
1. Have not slept under the stars. We tried to but lasted only two hours before we heard the voices of a thousand demons. Also, when I went for a pee, Isabella said she saw a shooting star, which was intensely annoying. If anyone deserved to see a star and make a wish it was me (it was my idea, after all!).
2. Shall I send a duvet? Best not, it would be too hot. How about a bed sheet made of purest Egyptian silk?
3. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder my arse! Haven’t you got a photo you can scan?
From: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Gethyn
Date: 17 May
OK, let’s say I send you a photo and you don’t like the look of him, what then? Will you stop emailing him, or will your tone change in your letters? Looks aren’t everything.
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gethyn
Date: 17 May
Do not even think about going moralistic on me Rosanna Hughe
s. You dumped Jack Peterson when he fell off his bike and smashed his teeth in and I didn’t judge you then! Physical attraction to your partner matters – fact. Also, Gethyn has the upper hand as he has seen a photo of me. I want to redress the balance.
From: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gethyn
Date: 18 May
I don’t have a photo.
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gethyn
Date: 18 May
Fuck’s sake! On a sliding scale of one to ten, with ten being Jonny Depp and one being the Hunchback of Notre dame, where does Gethyn sit? Also, would you imagine him to be a good kisser? Kissing is more important than shagging.
From: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gethyn
Date: 18 May
I’m not being drawn into this. A five for me could be a ten for you. And how can I possibly know if he’s a good kisser? He’s like a brother.
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Unbelievable!
Date: 18 May
I sent you a fucking MP3 player AND got your dad a snow shovel!
From: Rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Unbelievable!
Date: 18 May
OK!!! I’ll see what I can do. And stop swearing at me, for fuck’s sake!
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Unbelievable!
Date: 18 May
Right ho!
From: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Photo
Date: 19 May
Hi, Ag
Sorry, no can do on the photo. I did try.
Love, Rosie
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Photo
Date: 20 May
Ok, I’ll believe you – this once!
From: rosie-of-arabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Photo
Date: 20 May
Are you interested in Gethyn? Genuinely, not a passing fancy?
From: aggieb@yahoo.com