Fears
Hypodermic needles
Erectile dysfunction
Fatherhood
Sharks
The sharks I can’t see
The possibility of sharks I can’t see
Icicles
Assumed silent comparisons to Peter
Asparagus pee
Asteroids (not the video game)
Unleashed dogs
Dad walking into bookstore unannounced
Losing the house
Public speaking
Butt crack sweat on my pants
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Fucking Jaws ruined the ocean.
JANUARY 17
6:45 AM
Things we all absolutely want but for some reason can’t get
A vacation from a vacation
The four-day workweek
The elimination of all dress codes
The elimination of the electoral college
Teleportation
Cellular telephone jamming technology in every movie theater
Decent rest areas along the Saw Mill River and Taconic Parkway
Five more seasons of The Office
A national holiday on the Monday following the Super Bowl
JANUARY 18
2:30 AM
Questions
How does someone just disappear for 15 years?
Did he stop loving me?
Has he started loving me again?
Why?
What changed?
Why these letters now?
JANUARY 19
10:00 AM
Important questions to ask about a religion before joining (or choosing to remain a member)
KURT METZGER’S LIST
How much does it cost?
Does God do the killing or will I be required to kill on his behalf?
Do I need to stay in the religion for Mom or Dad, and what penalties (if any) will I suffer if I choose to exit the religion?
MY ADDITIONS TO KURT’S LIST
Do women enjoy full and absolute equality within the religion?
Is the church open to all people, regardless of race, nationality, marital status, sexual preference, criminal history, occupation, etc.?
How often and how long are services?
Do you need to cut your penis in order to join?
Can you wear jeans to services?
Will you be passing a plate and keeping my donation between myself and God, or will you be billing me like a car dealership?
JANUARY 20
3:35 PM
Number of people with ideas on how to improve the bookstore this week
6
Number of books actually purchased by these people
2
Number of viable, potentially profitable ideas offered
0
Worst idea
“Sell pets. Market them as the kinds of pets that Harry and Ron and Hermione had. Owls, cats, rats, and such.”
Second worst idea
“Maybe you could rent books instead of sell them. Kind of like a library. Just more expensive.”
Books I really should get around to reading
The Harry Potter series
JANUARY 20
6:30 PM
Words I thought I’d never say that I said this week
We need another Fifty Shades and soon.
I should’ve ordered more Vogue and Seventeen.
That meter maid is just doing his job, miss.
I have a headache, honey. Can I get a rain check?
JANUARY 20
9:10 PM
The evolution of my understanding of my parents’ divorce
“Dad and I just don’t love each other in that way anymore.”
“When your father lost his job, he became a different person.”
“I was feeling so alone when I met Ted.”
“No, it was at least six months between the divorce and the wedding. At least.”
“Fine. I guess it was three months.”
“I meant three months rounded up.”
Why my father stopped calling or taking us on his visitations
I think he still loved Mom and couldn’t stand to see her with another man.
I think he was ashamed of being so poor.
Two rooms, a hot plate, and a concrete floor in the back of a liquor store is not a great place to bring your kids.
Absence and neglect is like an index fund. It compounds over time until it is enormous and impossible to overcome.
Why my father still should’ve remained in our lives
You don’t get to divorce your kids just because your wife left you for another man.
Kids don’t give a shit about concrete floors and hot plates.
When your kids don’t make an effort to see you because they are kids, you should act like an adult or risk fucking them up for life.
JANUARY 21
3:25 PM
Reasons Mom wanted to have lunch
Try out the new bakery in the center
“Catch up”
“Chat”
Real reasons Mom wanted to have lunch
“You need to start dressing like a real businessman.”
“You should ask Jake and Sophia for business advice.”
“Maybe you should grow a goatee.”
“Is Jill happy?”
Mom’s latest fads
Juicing
Bingo
Mime class
Step counting
JANUARY 21
5:15 PM
Four things to know before commenting negatively on another person’s choice of clothing (inspired by Kim)
You’re an awful person for doing so. Always.
Be aware that you have failed to evolve beyond the mentality of your average high school bully.
Be apprised that you are likely suffering from poor self-esteem and a negative self-image.
Your comments reveal you to be a petty, small, and mean-spirited jerk-face to the rest of the world.
JANUARY 22
8:05 PM
Things I once loved but now hate
Libraries
Snow days
My 2002 Subaru Baja
Discounted hardcovers
Amazon.com
Clarence (I loved him for about a week)
Valentine’s Day
Things I once hated but now love
Fifty Shades of Vampire fan fiction
Thomas the Tank Engine toys
Monty Python
JANUARY 23
11:25 PM
Best and worst thing to come from lunch with Mom
Bingo
Best things about bingo
Cash only
Large amounts of cash (according to Mom)
No security cameras (probably)
Old people
Slow people
Worst thing about bingo
Actually possible
A real solution
Can’t stop thinking about it
JANUARY 24
4:05 AM
Alterations on my daily routine
No alarm (couldn’t sleep)
Climb over Clarence (still sleeping)
Google (while on toilet)
Don’t even feel like maybe crying
JANUARY 24
4:25 AM
Bingo Halls in Connecticut
St. Vincent De Paul, East Haven
VFW Post 7788, Milford
VFW Post 9929, West Hartford
Most Holy Trinity Church Bingo, Wallingford
American Legion, Wolcott
Chesterfield Fire Company, Oakdale
St. Isaac Jogues Church, East Hartford
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
The Internet makes everything easier and everyone lazier.
The Internet makes possibly disastrous, insane decisions seem so much more doable.
JANUARY 24
12:45 PM
Contents of waiting room
46 chairs
3 coffee tables
9 copies of December edition of Fit Pregnancy
2 copies of Highlights
9 human beings
At least 3 fetuses (our fetus included) (visual inspection only)
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Parents say it’s their child (or fetus), like they own it, and in some ways it’s true, but not in the same way you own socks or a coffee table or even a dog. Not even close.
JANUARY 24
12:52 PM
Notes from my first Highlights experience
“Bison biting burritos” is hardly a tongue twister.
Goofus and Gallant demonstrates an utter lack of nuance.
Hidden Pictures has gotten a lot harder since I was a kid.
Part of me wants to submit a poem to “Your Own Pages” and see if it would be accepted.
“Tootie wears a turquoise tutu” is also a shitty tongue twister.
I strongly suspect that every “Dear Highlights” letter is fabricated bullshit.
JANUARY 24
12:54 PM
Highlights-related addendum
It seems a little racist that the black girl from The Facts of Life was named Tootie.
I wonder if the same people who write the fake Penthouse letters write the fake Highlights letters. I really, really hope so.
JANUARY 24
2:50 PM
Incredible stuff
Heartbeat
Vaginal ultrasound
There are male ob-gyns
JANUARY 24
4:00 PM
New information on Jill
Blood type O
126 pounds
Inconsistent periods
Heavy flow, little cramping
Went on the pill when she was 16
Went off the pill for three years while she and Peter were married
Already taking prenatal vitamins
Chicken pox at age 12
Tay-Sachs screening done when married to Peter
Does not want a C-section
Already 11 weeks pregnant
Due date July 20
New information about Dan
Happy Jill’s doctor is a woman
Doesn’t know what Tay-Sachs is
Afraid to ask what Tay-Sachs is
Afraid of Tay-Sachs but also afraid of sounding stupid
“… while Peter and I were married” shouldn’t bother me as much as it does
JANUARY 25
4:15 AM
Truths about Peter
My wife wouldn’t be my wife if Peter were alive.
The tiny collection of cells that I already love would not exist if Peter were alive.
The person who dates the girl last usually wins unless the guy before him died. Then the person who dates the girl last can never win. He’s always a consolation prize.
If Jill could change the past, she would absolutely not let Peter die, which I would understand completely, but it would also break my heart and is breaking it a little already.
JANUARY 27
6:15 PM
Pregnancy Questions
How accurate is this supposed due date?
Does the milk come before the baby or after the baby?
How long into the pregnancy can Jill and I still have sex?
Is one glass of wine really okay?
If the baby nurses for a year, does that mean Jill’s boobs are off-limits for a year?
Why are car seats so fucking expensive?
What does “water breaking” really mean?
Ways in which the previous list is like the shopping cart of a teenager purchasing condoms
Only one item is real. The rest are just camouflage to disguise the one answer I really want.
JANUARY 28
5:45 PM
Thoughts on today’s fucking baptism
When did the baptism become a complex social affair that steals my entire afternoon?
Isn’t a cake in the shape of a cross sacrilegious?
Would it be more sacrilegious if a Jesus had been added to the cross?
If Jesus had been added to the cross, would it be wrong to ask for “a little bit of Christ’s thigh” or “a bit of his left flank”?
Asking your wife’s friend why her child’s baptism isn’t more accurately called a “religious indoctrination ceremony” is apparently not as clever and amusing as you might think.
I’m not allowed to say “indoctrination” at a baptism, but it’s apparently perfectly okay to say “fucking asshole” and “Fuck off, Dan.”
Telling your wife that she doesn’t understand your position on baptismal indoctrination because she is a Jew is not a good idea.
If our baby is a boy and we have a bris, can I order a penis cake?
Asking your wife about a penis cake at the baptism is also not a good idea.
Asking your wife about a penis cake at any time is probably not a good idea.
Insisting that you are serious about a penis cake (because you are) is not a good idea.
Theme cakes are stupid reminders of why we’re here.
Religious rituals for babies include “dunk the baby” or “cut the penis.”
It sucks to be a baby.
JANUARY 28
7:40 PM
Regrets
Not including “circumcision at the hospital” in our baby negotiations.
I didn’t read Bill Cosby’s Fatherhood before I discovered he was a sex offender and now I can’t read it even though I heard it was great.
I didn’t watch House of Cards before I discovered that Kevin Spacey was gross, so now I can’t watch it even though I heard it was very good but not great.
JANUARY 29
1:45 PM
Goals
Locate cash
Determine amount of cash
Identify entrances and exits
Identify possible escape routes
Identify possible threats
Don’t be memorable
“A human being should be able to” (according to science-fiction writer Robert Heinlein)
Change a diaper (no)
Plan an invasion (not unless I’m playing Risk)
Butcher a hog (no)
Conn a ship (what does this mean?)
Design a building (no)
Write a sonnet (not a good one)
Balance accounts (yes, but Excel spreadsheets are confusing as fuck)
Build a wall (LEGO)
Set a bone (no)
Comfort the dying (doubtful)
Take orders (absolutely)
Give orders (unfortunately no)
Cooperate (sometimes)
Act alone (yes)
Solve equations (depends because 1 + 1 = 2 is an equation)
Analyze a new problem (yes, but the quality of the analysis is not guaranteed)
Pitch manure (where?)
Program a computer (no)
Cook a tasty meal (theoretically)
Fight efficiently (depends on the size of the opponent)
Die gallantly (highly unlikely)
JANUARY 29
11:40 PM
Notes from VFW #9929 (South Street, West Hartford, Connecticut)
1. Secondhand smoke. Holy shit. Was it really this bad 20 years ago?
2. No visible weapons (except for the enormous artillery piece on front lawn)
3. Three doors—all unlocked, including rear door to kitchen (smell = ew)
4. 200+ players
a. All men
b. Average age: 75 (no exaggeration)
c. Number of players under 50 years old: > 10
d. Number of players under 40 years old: 0
5. $100 buy-in—all cash—$20K total pot
6. Cash at the bar, too.
How much? Worth the additional risk?
7. Sticky floor. Gross. Impede escape?
8. I was leaving when Bill stopped me.
9. Bingo is an incredibly stupid game.
Bill Donovan
“Hey, you. I haven’t seen you here before.”
72 years old
Vietnam veteran
Biceps
Harbormaster turned MP
Corporal
“Who the fuck is Klinger?”
“You going to play or what?”
Slight limp
“You either hate the new guy because he’s an unknown, or you love the new guy because he’s an unknown. I usually like the new guy. Unless he’s an asshole.”
Widower
“Don’t ask me questions about my wife. I said she died. All you need to know is she’s dead.”
“Yes, of course bingo sucks.”
“These guys are too old or two stupid to play Hold’em.”
The only time he took fire in Vietnam was when an MP on base mistook him for the enemy.
“I was drafted, dummy. Do I look like a fucking hero to you?”
“The whole damn country was FUBAR. Every inch of that place was FUBAR.”
Four beers in less than an hour
“Why you taking notes? This isn’t a skill game. It’s just blind luck.”
“You don’t follow any sports? Nothing? Not even baseball?”
Googled
MP = military police
FUBAR = Fucked up beyond all recognition
Hold’em = Texas Hold’em (poker)
QUESTIONS
Is there a less male-dominated, less militarily inclined bingo night? Old lady night? Preschool night? Disability night?
Is the money centrally located at any one point?
Why do people play this fucking game? It’s like the lottery plus ink and effort.
How much does $20K weigh? How much space does it take up?