Stupid customer questions always come in either threes or hundreds.
Regardless of how much time a woman has to get ready for a night out, she will always use all that time plus 15 minutes.
Men wearing ties buy fewer books.
A person’s memory of the children’s picture books from their youth never matches the quality of those books.
Customers don’t like paying full price for slender novels but don’t want to read long ones, either.
The ratio of bad mail to good mail is 500:1.
Yes, airline seats recline, but they do so only as a means of identifying assholes on your flight.
Daylight savings time should happen at noon, when it can be appreciated.
DECEMBER 12
8:20 AM
Billionaires
Bill Gates (Melinda Gates?)
Warren Buffet
Larry Ellison
Mark Cuban
Jeff Bezos (he already has lots of my money)
Larry Page and Sergey Brin (package deal?)
The Koch Brothers (I’d rather go broke first)
Top 10 highest paid athletes
Cristiano Ronaldo
Lionel Messi
LeBron James
Roger Federer
Kevin Durant
Novak Djokovic
Cam Newton
Phil Mickelson
Jordan Spieth
Kobe Bryant
Number of athletes on this list whose names I recognize
2
DECEMBER 13
11:45 AM
Musicians who left their bands and went on to have successful solo careers
Not Steve Perry
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Journey fans who argue that Journey isn’t Journey without Steve Perry are just whiners in need of a time machine.
DECEMBER 14
4:30 AM
Days I Live with Peter
September 21: Wedding anniversary
December 24: Birthday
March 1: Death
February 14: Letters
Days I Really Live with Peter
Every day
Things I Like About Peter
Shorter than me
Hemingway fan
Rescued Jill from boating accident (but she probably wouldn’t have drowned)
Couldn’t get Jill pregnant
Prematurely balding (or balded?) (past tense?)
Dead (no offense)
Things I Don’t Like About Peter
Marathon runner
James Joyce fan
Good cook
Never ran out of money
December 24 birthday kind of fucks up Christmas Eve
Still exists even though he’s dead
February 14 letters
DECEMBER 15
11:55 PM
Gifts purchased for Mom’s birthday
Quiet by Susan Cain (passive-aggressive)
Autumnal wreath (Jill’s idea)
Framed copy of her last 3 letters to the editor (BEST GIFT IDEA EVER)
Subjects of Mom’s last 3 letters to the editor
The decline of Western civilization as evidenced by the number of baseball caps being worn by men in restaurants
Where has the motorcycle sidecar gone?
The importance of supporting street artists
Mom’s responses to the framed letters to the editor
“What is this? No. Is it…? Oh my goodness.”
“This must’ve been Jill’s idea. Right?”
“Are you sure this wasn’t your idea, Jill?”
“That motorcycle sidecar story may seem trivial, but I received a lot of correspondence in response to it. People have a real love affair with sidecars.”
“This is a beautiful gift, Daniel. Truly.”
Jake’s gift for Mom
Cooking lesson in the home of a Peruvian immigrant
Mom’s response to Jake’s gift
“This is so creative, Jake.”
“She’s legal. Right?”
“Brooklyn? Brooklyn, New York?”
“I love a good cooking class.”
“Why Peru?”
“Are there even any good Peruvian restaurants?”
“She doesn’t smoke. Does she?”
Number of times in my life when my gift was better than Jake’s gift until now
0
Addition to the LESS STUPID (but still incredibly stupid) LIST
Carnivals (no security cameras, cash only)
DECEMBER 20
6:40 AM
Memorable Christmases
Circa 1978 (age 5): Christmas breakfast at Grandpa’s house. Fruit cocktail from a can. Snowball fight with Uncle Brian. Great-Grandpa’s jokes. Mom and Dad squished into a recliner together.
1982: Dad comes to house for 30 minutes on Christmas morning for breakfast. Gives me a Star Wars droid factory and a yo-yo. Hugs me hard. Doesn’t stay for breakfast. I don’t notice him leave. No goodbye. Don’t realize this until 20 years later.
1986 (age 13): Jake and I sneak downstairs in the middle of the night. Open and rewrap gifts. Jake admits to it the next day. Little bitch.
1992 (age 19): Watch Unforgiven in an empty movie theater. I tell Mom and Jake that I spend the day with friends.
1992 (age 20): Christmas weekend with Christine Neelon’s family in Vermont. Lots of sex in basement. Vodka martinis. Creamsicles. A dog named Pathos.
2002: Volunteer at Berlin VFW. Meet Meg in kitchen while doing dishes.
2004: Christmas at Meg’s parents’ house. They make us sleep in separate bedrooms. We have retaliatory sex at every chance we get. My best Christmas since childhood when Mom and Dad were still together.
2005 (age 32): First Christmas after Meg leaves me. I throw the engagement ring off the Flower Bridge into Farmington River. I regret it before it even hits the water. So stupid.
2007: First Christmas with Jill on Robin Road. Her first real Christmas tree. First stringing of popcorn and cranberries. First midnight Mass. Unknowingly gave each other the same book of Billy Collins’s poetry (Taking Off Emily Dickinson’s Clothes).
2008 (age 35): Jill tells me that Peter’s birthday was on Christmas Eve. She tells me this on Christmas Eve. I act like a dick about it. We skip midnight Mass and go to bed angry.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Retaliatory sex is even better than make-up sex.
DECEMBER 20
7:00 AM
The December 24, 2008, argument as I remember it
Christmas tree alight
Pile of wrapped presents under the tree
Fire crackling in the fireplace
Holiday music
Brandy cider
“Hey, did I ever tell you…?”
My completely rational and appropriate responses to this poorly timed news
“Seriously?”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Fuck.”
“I know it’s Christmas Eve! That’s why I’m so upset!”
“You thought that this was the right time to mention his birthday? Right now? Tonight? Instead of say … April? Or never?”
“No. I refuse to listen to little children sing Christmas carols under stained glass with this in my head.”
“Yes, I love it, but we don’t get to have pretty things tonight! You fucked that up with your bullshit news.”
Admitted flaw to my memory
That apartment didn’t have a fireplace.
Stupid things that should only be done on television because in real life there are no commercial breaks. Just subsequent awkwardness, feelings of inadequacy, and grudging apologies
Storming off
Brooding
Hanging up on someone
Slamming doors in anger
Throwing anything in anger
Turning out the light and pretendi
ng to be asleep in order to demonstrate your anger
Subjects that should be broached during the first three months of dating
Previous marriages
Crazy ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
Allergies
Arrest record
Parents’ worst attributes
Possible future children
Major surgeries
Religion
Bizarre love of Barry Manilow and Air Supply
Possible future vegetarianism/veganism
Pets
Past sexual encounters involving more than one person
Possible deal breakers (skydiving, ferrets)
Can you drive a stick?
Voting record
Current drug use (if any)
Favorite books/authors
Dead husband’s birthday IF THAT BIRTHDAY ALSO LANDS ON A MAJOR HOLIDAY
DECEMBER 20
7:40 AM
Christmas 2008 Lessons Learned
An excellent way to ruin Christmas morning is to fight with your spouse the night before and go to bed very angry.
Jealousy of a dead man is ugly, stupid, real, and best kept hidden, particularly on the holidays.
“Your timing sucked” is never a winnable argument.
Avoiding midnight Mass does not balance the grief of a full-blown argument, but it doesn’t hurt.
Additional Christmas Lessons Learned
Unforgiven is not a Christmas movie.
Accomplices can never be trusted.
Never make decisions involving $8,000 pieces of jewelry when you’re emotionally charged.
Eating half a dozen Creamsicles in a single sitting can result in explosive diarrhea.
DECEMBER 22
6:14 PM
Things I Wish I Had Known 20 Years Ago When I Was 20
Every pound you add to your body will be ten times more difficult to remove.
Peppermint schnapps is not an acceptable substitute for mouthwash.
Some bras unsnap in the front.
Hard rolls are not hard.
When the opportunity for a threesome arises, take it. Please. It may only happen once.
Audiobooks are not for morons who can’t read.
Hours spent shoveling quarters into video games in arcades will always feel like time well spent. Hours spent playing video games at home will not.
You need not camouflage your condom purchases with bottles of shampoo, boxes of cookies, and ballpoint pens. No one fucking cares about your sex life.
Tighten lug nuts using an actual tire iron. Fingers alone won’t do it.
Garbage disposals are not equipped to handle one pound of overcooked linguini.
Your hair will never be as important as you think it is until it starts falling out.
There is no good reason to ever set foot inside a strip club.
Invest in an index fund. Compound interest is so fucking important.
Things I Still Need to Do
Invest in an index fund. Compound interest is so fucking important.
DECEMBER 23
9:25 AM
Mistakes I made with Meg
Asked her to marry me
Thought that long-term financial security was at least as important as love
Assumed that a fiancée who is still having sex with you still loves you and isn’t as unhappy as she seems to me.
DECEMBER 24
7:50 AM
15 Truths about Peter
He would’ve been 38 years old today.
It’s a terrible thing to know that you found love only because another man died.
Peter had no middle name because his mother and father couldn’t agree on one.
Peter and I would never have been friends.
Peter was left-handed.
I never met Peter, but I feel like he is always with me.
Peter loved Three Stooges movies, which seems ultra-cool until you watch those stupid movies and realize how stupid they are.
There are three photos of Peter and Jill in our house.
It is impossible to compete with a dead man.
Jill doesn’t talk about Peter very often because of me.
Sometimes I whisper, “Thank you, Peter.” Not for dying but for being so good to Jill when he was alive.
I suck when it comes to Peter.
I sometimes wonder if I think about Peter more than Jill does.
I will never be as good a man as Peter was.
Happy birthday, Peter.
DECEMBER 25
12:55 PM
Christmas presents from Mom to me
Good to Great by Jim Collins (“For your business!”)
Gift certificate to Tracy and Company (her favorite hair salon)
Three-month gym membership
Christmas presents from Mom to Jake
Season pass to the Playhouse on Park
Slippers
Peanut brittle
Christmas presents from me and Jill to Jake Jr.
A Wrinkle in Time series
10 packs of Magic: The Gathering cards
4 movie passes
Christmas presents from me to Jake Jr. that Jill didn’t know about
Nerf rifle
DECEMBER 25
1:10 PM
Number of times Mom mentioned Peter (a man she never met) on Christmas
2 (way too many)
Number of books Mom gave to a son who owns a bookstore
1 (also way too many)
Number of times Mom mentioned Jake and Sophia’s “new downtown location”
Lost count
Mom’s mentions of Peter
“Do you still talk to Peter’s mother?”
(looking at a photo of Peter and Jill) “I wish I had a chance to meet Peter. He looks smart.”
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
“Looking smart” is not a thing.
DECEMBER 25
6:00 PM
Christmas Day arguments between Jake and me
The Scooby-Doo Mystery Machine shouldn’t have the name THE MYSTERY MACHINE written on the side because the gang stumbles upon mysteries. They don’t seek them out.
Chilean sea bass is actually Patagonian toothfish, and that is what we should call it. Fuck the pretentious renaming of food.
“Scantily clad” is a stupid way of describing someone.
The word “porn” makes pornography dirtier than it really is.
DECEMBER 25
6:10 PM
5 reasons to never use the phrase “scantily clad” again
“Scantily clad” has been done. It’s been overdone. It’s absolutely, positively finished. Beaten like a dead horse. It’s moved past cliché and into the realm of tragically unoriginal. It’s a phrase that you should never, ever use again.
It’s weird that the word “scantily” is never used without the word “clad.”
It’s weird that the phrase is almost exclusively used to describe a woman in a certain state of undress when men are just as capable of being in similar states of undress.
The phrase “scantily clad” is also a little creepy. Not a lot creepy. Just a teensy-weensy bit creepy. It’s the kind of phrase that mouth-breathing teenage fantasy writers use to describe the inexplicably half-naked girl being held prisoner by the dragon, and that makes it a tiny bit creepy.
Do a Google image search of the phrase “scantily clad.” The images associated with the phrase should make it clear that this is not a phrase that you should be using.
DECEMBER 25
6:30 PM
Other poorly named foods (in addition to Chilean sea bass)
Corned beef
Pulled pork
Bread pudding
Noodle pudding
Field greens
Blood orange
Pu pu platter
DECEMBER 25
7:00 PM
Alcohol consumed on Christmas
Mom: 3 glasses of wine
Jill: 2 g
lasses of wine, both unfinished (annoying)
Jake: 4 glasses of wine and at least 4 beers
Sophia: Half a bottle of champagne
Jake Jr.: None
Me: 2 beers
DECEMBER 25
10:55 PM
Things I Learned on Christmas Day
Being sober sucks when your mother and brother are not.
Sophia goes ice fishing on her own and loves it.
There are FIVE books in the Wrinkle in Time series now.
Jake and Sophia’s new location is “booming.”
Goldfish were originally treated like fresh flowers. Colorful decorations for a room that were never fed and simply discarded when they died.
I am the only person in my family who thinks that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
The Gambia is the name of a country that runs along the Gambia River. It’s called The Gambia so it won’t be confused with Zambia.
Jake Jr. hates his name.
DECEMBER 25
11:10 PM
5 Reasons Why Jake Jr. Has Every Right to Hate His Name
Naming your child after yourself is self-serving and narcissistic.
No one likes to be called Junior. Ever.
Living in the permanent shadow of your father sucks.
Being required to write your father’s name (and especially Jake’s name) on tests and official documents when you’re angry at your father really sucks.
If Jake Jr. also decides to name his son Jake, then his son becomes “the third,” which makes everyone want to punch him.
DECEMBER 25
11:30 PM
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
The number of drinking stories that a person wants to tell is in direct proportion to the amount of alcohol he or she has consumed.
The quality of a person’s drinking stories is in inverse proportion to the amount of alcohol he or she has consumed.
Die Hard is a Christmas movie. So is Die Hard 2.