Greef sent the next wave forward. He’d managed to wrangle his guild back into some semblance of order, and retreated to the rim of the room to direct the battle—which put him just where <Pwny Xpress> was waiting.
“Now,” said Boon. “Just like we talked about.”
Mansex hit Greef with an ice bolt and froze him in place. Greef whipped out his net. Yanker shot it out of his hand.
Greef glanced over his shoulder at the battle. The dragon was wading through a swath of dead Wickeds, spitting lances of fire at the handful of survivors. The living milled around in chaos; the dead lay in blackened heaps. The dragon pounced on and devoured the survivors one by one.
<Pwny Xpress> surrounded Greef. “You really think this will work?” asked Yanker.
“It might. It was your plan,” Boon told her. “We just never got to try in on the First God. Okay, switch to that GroupSpeak line I just chatted you… now.”
Horrified frenzied screaming. The dragon crushed a half-dozen Wickeds under her paw and bit the heads of a row of others.
The ice spell was wearing off. Greef would be free to move soon. So Boon stepped in front of him and waved. “Hi! I’m Reid! You know, the guy you lied to and stole the Godsword from? Yeah, I’m gonna need you to go ahead and give me that back.”
“Well, balls on fire,” said Greef. “So you rolled a new toon, huh? And took him to 100? Too bad the effort’s gone to waste. Think I’ll hack him and take him sniping in Marrowstone’s orphanage.”
Redstar slid in front of Greef. “Give him the sword.”
“Redstar?” Greef sounded confused. “What are you…? No, don’t tell me you’re with this clown?”
“I’m not with anyone. Jesus.”
“I got that sword for you.”
“You got it for yourself,” she said.
“My God,” he spat. “I have done everything right. What is it gonna take?”
“Giving the Sword back. You’ve been using illegal mods and stealing passwords. So it’s like this: give him the Sword or we’ll report you.”
“Try and prove that. I’m an Admin in good standing.”
“We’ve got your computer’s IP,” said Mansex. “It won’t be hard.”
“So then I’ll hack your accounts and delete your toons as well. You think I can’t find your account holder info? Maybe I’ll post some kiddie porn on the Boy Howdy forums under your names while I’m at it. Really?” He laughed at them. “This was your plan? You seriously thought you could blackmail me?”
“Well, no, not really,” said Redstar. “But we did think we could get you to admit that shit on air so we could record it, which, yeah, you’re gonna want to resign from guildmaster now.”
“You cold-hearted bitch.”
“The other part was to distract you long enough so the rogue could pick your pocket.”
“What?!”
“Got it,” said Boon. He ruffled Greef’s hair. “Thanks for running interference.”
“No prob,” said Redstar. “Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a dragon killing my guildies.” She saluted the Pwnies. “Kill y’all later.”
“I like her,” said Mansex.
“I loved her,” muttered Greef.
Redstar ran into the fray, throwing shields and heals at every Wicked in range. It was a doomed charge from the start, and she knew it, and she died bravely alongside her guild.
“That was the greatest gift in the game!” yelled Greef. “I did everything for you! I made this guild what it is! Don’t I deserve even a little—!” The dragon swallowed him before he could finish.
“Dragon,” said Bandaid. “Might want to hurry.”
Boon opened a trade window with Yanker and dropped the Godsword in it. “I believe this is yours.”
“You promise not to go crazy and start killing people?”
“I make no such promise,” said Mansex.
“To be fair,” said Reid, “it wasn’t me last time.”
“Dragon,” said Bandaid.
Yanker took hold of the hilt and hefted the Godsword above her head. She was backlit by dragonfire roasting the last of the Wickeds.
With <Something Wicked> dead, true to its programming, the dragon switched to target the next greatest threat in its aggro range: <Pwny Xpress>.
The guild circled up as certain death stormed towards them. Yanker tucked the Godsword away in her inventory.
“Thank you, Reid,” said Jodie. “I’m not kissing you.”
“Aww,” sighed Bandaid. The dragon stomped her into kindling.
“Lame,” said Mansex. “Kill me now.” The dragon obliged.
The Truth did his tank thing and planted himself before them. He lasted two hits.
“She’s so much deadlier up close,” said Jodie.
“I never noticed that about her,” said Reid.
Yanker looked at Boon out of the corner of her eye. “Hey, Reid… do you want to meet?”
The dragon burned them alive.
15
IRL
TIP: As much fun as this game is, it’s just a game.Be sure to visit your friends in real life as well!
Lodge threaded his sedan between taxis to pull up to the airport curb. Reid popped out and pulled his duffel bag from the trunk.
Lodge leaned out the window. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
Reid looked up at the international departures sign. “Of course not.”
“It’s okay if it doesn’t work out.”
“I know.”
“Don’t have any expectations.”
“I don’t.”
“And if everything falls apart and you need a place to stay, you’re always welcome.”
“Thanks, man. I think I would take you up on that this time.”
“And if you do wind up needing to stay down under for a little while… for whatever reason…”
“Then we’ll deal with that if we come to it.”
They shook hands. Lodge saluted and drove away.
Thirty hours later, Reid stepped out of customs. He hadn’t slept a wink and his body was calling bullshit on it being day outside. The flow of arriving passengers carried him into the airport. He looked around for a person he knew but whose face he didn’t.
He saw tanned girls in enormous sunglasses chatting on cell phones; chubby American tourists pointing at koala-themed ads; a pre-verbal toddler shrieking and babbling with delight when his father surged out of the crowd and scooped him up.
Through the stream of bodies, he spotted a young woman standing behind a row of luggage carts, watching the river of people flowing out of customs. She was about Reid’s age, and she had the jitteriness of a deer glimpsed on a nature walk, as if she might bolt at any second. Her hair was the same color and thickness of a bale of hay. She’d pulled it back, but it was already tearing its way free, a couple strands sticking up in back like a rooster’s comb.
Reid could see a uniform under her peacoat. He chanced a wave.
The pale straw-haired girl blinked at him. She tried a smile on, but it fled.
Reid raised a sign above his head: <Reid>.
She grinned slightly, and raised one of her own: <Jodie>.
Everyone in the airport might as well have vanished. Reid walked her way, halted on the other side of the baggage carts. He didn’t want to spook her any more than he already had. “Hi.”
Her cheeks flamed. He’d never seen someone blush so hard. Apparently it embarrassed her, because she covered her face with a hand. “Hey.”
Reid offered his hand. After a moment, she moved her hand away from her face and took it.
* * *
Glossary of MMO Pidgin
aggro (ˈagrō) n. the range at which a hostile NPC or monster will notice and attack a player. abbr. aggression. draw aggro v. to be noticed and attacked by a hostile NPC or monster.
alt (ôlt) n. a player’s non-primary character; a secondary character.
bio break (ˈbīō brāk) (ˈbīō brāk) n. a trip to t
he bathroom.
bot (bät) n. an autonomous NPC programmed to respond to a limited range of prompts from players; a robot.
buff (bəf) n. a temporary stat boost. v. to give a temporary stat boost.
cooldown (ko͞oldoun) n. the amount of time that must elapse before an action, ability, or spell can be used again.
DC (dēˈsē) v. to disconnect; to be disconnected from. abbr. disconnect.
deco (ˈdekō) n. non-interactive elements of scenery; decoration.
dot (dät) n. a spell or ability that deals damage at regular intervals over a set amount of time. v. [trans.] to inflict a dot upon. abbr. damage over time.
DPS (dēˈpēˈɛs) n. the average amount of damage a player deals per second; a character whose role in a group is dealing damage in high amounts. v. to deal damage in high amounts. abbr. damage per second.
drop (dräp) n. a piece of loot in a monster’s drop table that has a chance of being “dropped” as treasure when the monster is killed.
drop quest (dräp kwest) n. a quest that drops as a piece of treasure from a monster’s drop table rather than being given by a quest giver.
drop table (dräp ˈtābəl) n. the entire range of items a monster could potentially drop as treasure when killed.
elite (əˈlēt) n. a monster or NPC three to five times as strong as a regular monster or NPC of the same level. adj. three to five times as strong as a regular monster of the same level.
endgame (ˈendˌgām) n. gameplay performed by players who have reached the level cap; adj. of or related to the most advanced content currently available.
farm (färm) v. [trans.] to search for a specific drop or mat by performing the same tasks over and over, e.g. repeatedly killing a monster, waiting for it to respawn, and killing it again.
gank (ˈgaNGk) v. [trans.] to kill any player that is facing a substantial disadvantage; to kill a single player with a group; to kill as a group. abbr. gang kill.
grief (ˈgrēf) v. [trans.] to harass or torment.
griefer (ˈgrēfər) n. one who griefs.
grind (ˈgrīnd) v. to perform an activity over and over again, usually in order to strengthen a character.
guildie (ˈgildē) n. a member of one’s guild.
instance (ˈinstəns) n. a section of the game world, usually a dungeon, that creates a private copy of itself for any character or group of characters who enter it, such that the players may experience its content without fear of interference; an entrance to a dungeon.
IRL (īˈäˈrel) abbr. in real life.
leet (lēt) adj. elite.
level cap (ˈlevəl kap) n. the highest achievable character level in the game, which can increase when expansions or new content packages are released.
lowbie (lōbē) n. a low level character, as opposed to a noob, which is an inexperienced and/or poor player.
macro (ˈmakrō) n. a button that plays a preset character animation; a button created by the player that serves as a shortcut for an action or phrase that would normally have to be typed out.
main (mān) n. a player’s primary character.
mat (mat) n. a useable good; an ingredient a character with the proper skills can turn into useable materials such as weapons, armor, and potions. abbr. material.
meatspace (mētspās) n. the real world; the world outside the game.
mob (mäb) n. a cluster of monsters with overlapping aggro ranges.
mod (mäd) n. an often illegal modification to the game’s engine.
ninja (ˈninjə) n. a player who steals treasure that was earned as a team from that player’s teammates. v. to steal treasure from one’s teammates.
noob (no͞ob) n. [pejorative] an inexperienced or poor player.
NPC (ˈenˈpēˈsē) n. a character controlled by the computer. abbr. non-player character.
off-heal (ôfˈhēl) v. to heal as a secondary function; to serve as a supplementary healer.
power level (ˈpouər ˈlevəl) v. to gain experience at a faster rate than the game’s content is paced to provide, usually with the assistance of other players.
PVE (ˈpēˈvēˈē) abbr. player versus environment.
PVP (ˈpēˈvēˈpē) abbr. player versus player.
push-duel (po͝oSH ˈdo͞oəl) v. [trans.] to bully a player into dueling.
pwn (pōn) v. [trans.] to “own” (informal), i.e. to defeat; to defeat by a wide margin; to humiliate one’s opponent.
pwnage (pōnij) n. superiority over an opponent; superiority in all metrics for comparison.
quest giver (kwest ˈgivər) n. an NPC that gives quests to players.
respawn (rispôn) v. to return to life in a preset area after having been killed (NPCs and monsters); to return to existence in a preset area after having been destroyed (structures and deco).
rez (rez) v. to return to life. [trans.] to resurrect. abbr. resurrect.
roll (rōl) v. to create a character.
RP (ˈɑrˈpē) n. role-playing; speaking in the voice of one’s character. adj. of or relating to role-playing. v. to speak in the voice of one’s character. abbr. role-playing.
smuggler (ˈsməglər) n. an alt created for the purposes of spying on players of the opposing faction.
spam (spam) n. irrelevant messages or advertisements in open chat channels; v. to hit a button or use an ability repeatedly.
stealth (stelTH) n. a form of limited invisibility that is broken by taking damage or interacting with an object, character, NPC, or monster. v. to enter stealth.
tank (taNGk) n. a character (usually with strong armor and high hit points) whose role in a group is to shield teammates and occupy attackers while the other group members heal or perform dps. v. to serve as a tank.
teep (tēp) v. [trans.] to teleport. abbr. teleport.
toon (to͞on) n. a player’s character.
wipe (wīp) n. the death of one’s entire group. v. to be killed along with one’s entire group.
The Suppwrters
GUILDMASTER
James a.k.a Über
COMMANDERS
Rob “Lorki” Schimmel
Hawke Robinson
thePaperNinja
The Paynes
0whole1
OFFICERS
Douggie Sharpe
Andrew Obertas
Zombie Orpheus Entertainment
Nancy Vancil
JUNIOR OFFICERS
Alexander John Gordon
Chris & Cisco Piazzo
Mike Ott
Doug Medoff
Melissa Cloud
mike (meski) smith
Dustin “Temig” Kikuchi
Jennifer McCaskill
Craig Andrew Marble (dresdencypher)
William Gunderson
Sean Huguenard
Bryce Hlavinka
Elaine Duckworth
David Lars Chamberlain
John O’Toole
VETERANS
Matthew Scoppetta
Todd McKimmey
Leslie Sedlak
Brad Roberts
Dave Carroll
Amanda and Brian
Cook
Andrew Grimberg
The Rival Army
Tara Lynn Bruce
Moritz Schubert
Brian Greer
Bill Helms
David Groveman
Douglas Urquhart
Robert Loper
Helen Brubeck
SaintNicster
Brian “Erev” Hirth
Lane Edgington
Jason, the Most Supremely Humble
Gerald J. Smith
Céline .S. Sauvé
Alexander “Xan” Kashev
Margrethe Flanders
Matt Malinofsky
Chris and Meagan Eller
Brad Gabriel
Arion Hypes
Jacob Spangler
Taia Hartman
Fasulkad, Harper
Josh Receveur
Thomas Gibson and Cathy Charbonneau
Crystal Skelton
Rygad
Steve Darveau
Brian Lorenz
Cain Eyebright
Rasmus Durban Jahr
Martin Kümmerling
Anthony “DEG” Wright
Myrddin Starfari
Marcus Johansson
Crystal Bland
Mark Hillsley
Christopher Hensel
K. Jeffery Petersen
D.J. Cole
Robert Wood
Zainah Alrujaib
Brian Harkins
STALWARTS
Seth Davis & Kathy Digby
Karet
Vansau
James & Laura Goodwin
Gordon Duke
Jim Wrench
Steven Mentzel
Lauren Carpenter
Jimmy McMichael
Sean “Twitch” Seymour
Randy Butternubs
Mak Kolybabi
sonofskywalker3
Caroline Wood
Allen W. Shepherd
agent_crux
Erik Brammer
Ray Knoebel
Bradley Paul Foster
Sarah Corn
Evan A Lewis
Arbco the Heretic
Scott Slater
Clansmith
Matthew Chijioke
Paul Dressler
Kristin Brumley
Ergo Ojasoo
TJ Vallance
Karl Riffle
Kelly Sorensen
Sutter
Boxmkr24
Theodore T. Posuniak, II
Kieran Stones
Puma “Pink Pummy” Namanari
Steven T Appleton Jr
Courtney Rayle
Max Beckman-Harned
Jax Mezz
F Schultz
Joseph McMullin
Kenny (Bearmanyeti) Cowan
Justin Larson
John Kuzma
Steven Sullivan
Michael B. Hall
Bob Bosce
Chris Bornt
Samantha Genier
Jabrony
Roger Paulo Soder
Nathan Hartshorn
Sandra“WarKitteh”Phillips
Dustin Roberts
the big voiđ
Dave “Pauper” Woods
David Macdonald
Benjamin Cheek
Geoff Roy
Breahna @ Steve Jackman
Michael “Kaleli” Chovan
Marc Wydler
Kai Schmidt