before
You met
Me weren't
You?
Strangers
Paul was not
The only
Visitor who
Came looking
For you.
He wasn't quite
What I expected
When he said
He was your
Brother.
I thought
He would
Look different.
Instead it was
Like looking
At a picture
Of you.
Same brown eyes
That seem
Endless.
Same dark hair
Only his is
Shorter than
Yours was.
"I'm looking for Darcy."
I couldn't speak.
"I'm her brother, Jay."
Same calming
Voice.
"Is she here?"
Frozen in
Place the
Tears started
Slowly.
One by one
Sliding down
My cheeks.
Shaking as
I shook
My head.
"You look just like her!"
An accusation.
Soon the tear
Come faster.
I can't stop
From staring
At this
Stranger who
Has your looks.
"Where's my sister?"
Alarmed now.
He makes his
Way over
To me.
I cannot meet
His gaze.
"Dead."
Numb
I feel numb
Every day
Some days
More than
Others.
Jay is
Staying in
Your place.
He hasn't
Spoke to
Me in
A week.
Maybe he
Thinks I'm
Joking.
Or maybe he's
Afraid to
Ask how.
Today is the
First day
I've visited your
Grave.
I brought flowers.
Wishes
On our second
Date I took
You to my
Secret hiding
Place.
It's where
I ran when
I needed
An escape
From home.
It was a
Meadow hidden
Away by
Some trees.
We spent the
Day there
Picking dandelions
And making
Wishes.
I never felt
More free
Than when
I was there.
And my
Dandelion wishes
Came true
For a
Little while.
Fading
I didn't eat
For a week
After you
Left.
I can hear
Your voice
Scolding me.
Telling me
To take
Care of
Myself.
And I'm
Trying.
Sometimes I
Think I will
Begin to
Blur and
Fade away.
Until there's
Nothing left
But a
Shadow.
Maybe someone
Will notice.
Or not.
Lost
I still have
The key
To your
Apartment.
You gave it
To me
A long
Time ago.
I went over
To check
On your
Brother.
When I
Couldn't find
Him I
Panicked.
Did he leave?
"Hello? Jay?"
No response.
I found him
In your
Room clutching
A picture
Of us.
"How did you know her?"
A weary expression
And eyes filled
With pain.
"We were together."
A steady voice
It's getting
Easier.
"Do you miss her?"
"Every day."
"Me too."
We sat together
In silence.
History
Today I learned
All about you
And where
You came
From.
You came from
A small
Town.
Up in
Maine.
And your
Parents loved
You no matter
What.
Your brother
Was your best
Friend.
And when
You fell
Ill you
Ran away
From everyone.
Paul was your
High school
Sweetheart.
He would
Have stuck
With you
If only
He had
Knew.
But you couldn't
Find it in
Your heart
To love
Him anymore.
So you left
Everyone behind
Without telling
Them.
Then you found
Me alone
And scared.
Ready to
End it all.
You took a chance on me.
I took a chance on you.
Destruction
After everything
I learned
About you
I'm angry.
You lied
To everyone
About where
You were.
You even
Lied to
Me.
No more
Tears this
Time.
Instead I've
Smashed picture
Frames and
Anything I
Can break.
There is broken
Glass shards
Surrounding me.
Alone
I think I've
Drifted back
To being
Alone.
Like before
You.
You were
The after.
If you're looking
Down and
Watching me
Then don't
You worry.
I've come
Along way
Since then.
There is no
Going back
To the
Before.
Only charging
Ahead in the
After.
Letters
You wrote about
Me to your
Family.
Jay came over
To find me
Asleep surrounded
By broken
Glass.
He had a
Key that
Was still
At your
Place.
Although I guess
It's his place
Now.
When I woke
Everything was
Clean no
Glass and
No frames.
He was sitting
On the couch
Asleep.
He had a
Box next
To him.
I opened
It to find
Letters.
All from you
Addressed to
Family.
Nothing said
About you
Being ill
But you
Talked a
Lot about
Me.
I did not
Think I
Was capable
Of crying
Anymore.
Did you really buy a ring?
Floating
You know the
Feeling you
Get when
It feels
Like your
On a
Cloud?
That's how I
Felt with
You.
One year after
Our first date
I ran into
Her.
My mother
Who left
Me with
A monster.
I was at
The store
Getting groceries
And there
She was.
Staring at
Me.
The shock clear
On her
Face.
She probably
Thought she
Would never
See me
Again.
So did I.
But I did
Not let her
Get to
Me.
Because I had you.
The Optimistic & The Pessimistic
It's funny how
You used to
Be the
Optimistic one.
And I was
The pessimistic.
Quite the
Pair you
Could say.
But then you
Were the
Pessimistic.
You didn't
Think there
Was a chance
You would
Get better.
But I
Believed there
Was a chance
You would.
Even if it
Was only
The tiniest
Sliver of
A chance.
I guess
You were
Right.
Family
I think Jay
Worries about
Me more
Than he
Should.
I don't know
How much
You told him
About me.
Was it
Only bits
And pieces?
Or everything?
He said I
Should get
My mind
Off things.
By taking
A trip to
See your
Family.
I said
Yes.
We leave tomorrow.
I would have
Said yes
By the way.
Small Town Girl
Your family
Was a lot
Nicer to
Me then
I expected.
They seemed
To know me
Better than
I know them.
I can see
How one
Might go
Want out
From such
A small town.
But then again
I've always been
A city girl.
And look where
It's gotten me.
City's seem
To have demons
Lurking around
Every corner.
Small towns
Can too.
Still I
Wouldn't have
Minded living
Somewhere like
Here one day.
Please don't be mad I'm doing this.
Big City Girl
We got back
Two days ago.
Jay decided
To stay here
With me.
I don't
Know why.
I promised
You I
Wouldn't do
Anything stupid.
Maybe you
Made him
Promise you
Something too.
You worried
Too much
About me
While you
Should have
Been focusing
On yourself.
I hope
Now you
Are worry
Free.
Jaybird
I hope you
Don't mind
How close
Jay and I
Have become.
He's a comforting
Presence is
All.
Not like you
Could get mad
At me though.
To be mad
You need to
Be here.
And even some
Miracles are
Impossible.
I still miss
You.
Everyday.
Jay too.
But it's
Getting easier
To live
Without
You.
It's been one month.
Love
I fell in
Love with
You almost
Too quickly.
But I was
Not dependent
On you.
I cannot
Help but put
Distance in
Relationships when
There's a
Chance they
Will end.
You on the
Other hand
Became dependent
On me
Like it
Was a drug.
And you had
Quit cold turkey
Without it
Actually working.
I guess
You didn't
Want to be
Alone.
Did you think
Maybe it was
Unfair to
Lie to me?
I would have
Still stayed
By your
Side if I
Had knew
The truth.
Different
I decided to
Move somewhere
New.
Not to a city
Not yet.
Just a new
Apartment with
Less memories.
No memories
Actually.
It will be
Different but
I need to
Keep moving
Forward.
Or else I
Will be
Stuck forever.
Your brother
Has offered
To help.
He even said
We could
Share a place.
Neither of
Us wants
To go back
To your
Old place.
Too sad.
Day Dreaming
Some days I
Find myself
Staring off
Into space.
Life is the
Same as
It was
Before you.
And yet it
Feels different.
I cannot
Place my finger
On why.
If your in
Heaven do
You think
You could
Let me
Know?
Are you happy?
I wonder
Would I go
To heaven
Or to
Hell?
Jaybird thinks
I'll go to
Heaven.
He doesn't know
The things
I do.
Deep dark
Thoughts so
Dangerous they
Would scare
Even the
Darkest.
I try
To be
Normal.
Maybe it's
Working.
Four months gone, and I still confide in you.
Afraid
Somethings not
Right with
Me.
I feel
All wrong.
I'm afraid
To go
To the
Hospital.
What if
They find
Something
Wrong with me?
Or it's all
Just in my
Head?
Until I know
What it is
I won't
Tell Jay.
I ran into
My mother
Again the
Other day.
She said hello.
Irony
I went to
The doctor
And he
Confirmed my
Fears.
I'm sick
And I'm
Scared.
How ironic
Is this?
Both sick.
Both lied.
Does this mean we both die?
Bitter Blues
It's getting
Harder every
Day.
Jay was mad
When I told
Him.
I don't
Know why.
At least I
Said something.
He needs to
Be a little
More positive
For me.
Someone needs
To hope
I'll get better
Eventually.
After all
The doctors
Say they
Caught my
Cancer in
The early
Stages.
There's a chance, right?
Breathless
I'm finding
It harder
To have
Faith.
The other night
I was lying
Down when
I started to
Feel like there
Was a heavy
Weight on
My chest.
I couldn't breathe
I kept thinking
This is it.
The end.
Jay found me
From what he
Told me.
He said I
Looked peaceful
As he called
An ambulance.
Six Months
Six months you
Have been gone
And six months
Left for me.
Do you
Think in
Six months
I will
Join you?
I hope not.
It may sound
Selfish but
I really
Want to
Live.
There are so
Many sights
To see
And things
To experience.
Maybe I'll get
Lucky and
Be a
Miracle.
Okay
I wish
I could lie
And say
I'm okay.
I'm terrified
Of dying.
Not very brave
Of me I
Know.
I'm not
Invincible
But no one
Is.
There are so
Many things
Changing in
My life
And it scares
Me.
My mother stopped
By today.
Said she wants
To talk.
Maybe get
To know
Me.
I don't
Think I
Can do
That without
A flood of
Bad memories
Coming back
To haunt me.
I wish you were here with me.
Mother Dearest
I gathered up
My courage
To speak
With my
Mother.
We met for
Coffee at a
Little cafe
Far away
From where
I live.
"You look well."
She wouldn't
Look me in
The eyes.
"So do you."
Idle chit chat.
"How are you?"
"Horrible."
"What do you mean?"
Finally her eyes
Meet mine.
"You left me with a monster."
So much anger.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry doesn't fix anything."
She said nothing
So I continued on.
"I almost committed suicide. And I'm sick. Horrible is putting it lightly."
"Oh."
"Do you know mother, that I fell in love? I was happy."
"Are you still happy?"
"No. She died. And the kicker is, she was ill too."
Neither of us
Said anything
Else.
So I got
Up and left.
I fought tears
The whole
Way home.
Heaven or Hell
Lately I've thinking
About where some
Of the people
I know and
Knew will
End up
When they
Die.
You are
In heaven
I hope.
My father
Is most
Definitely
In hell.
If not then
He must have
Gone nowhere.
My mother
Will neither
Go to hell
Or to heaven.
Instead she'll
Most likely
End up
Somewhere in
Between.
Neither a sinner
Nor a saint.
Your brother
Will go to
Heaven no
Doubt about
It.
And I know
What I've done
And almost
Done.
Your parents
Will go to
Heaven as
Well.
I pray if
It's my time
That I go
To heaven.
But I'm going
To fight like
Hell to
Stay alive.
Fighting
Today I watched
As your brother
Did something
He hasn't done
Before.
He yelled
At me.
"Stop moping around!"
I was surprised
Because Jay
Never got
Mad like
This.
"Are you even trying to fight this?"
I yelled at
Him too.
"Yes I am!"
"Doesn't seem like it."
"What do you expect?"
"Try. Just don't leave me."
I guess losing
Enough.
Jay and I
We've grown
Close these past
Months.
"I am, Jay. I just don't know how."
"I'll help you."
"I miss her."
"So do I."
Firsts
On our first
Anniversary I
Decided to
Surprise you.
I went out
And bought
Flowers and
Grocery shopping.
Nothing fancy
But I still invited
You over and
Wore my best dress.
You looked lovely
In a little
Black dress.
You were so
Happy when
You saw
What I
Did.
"You went to all this trouble?"
"Yes."
But it wasn't
A problem.
"Joy?"
"Yeah?"
"I think I love you."
You made me blush.
"I love you, Darcy."
And I meant it.
Eight Months
Darcy would you
Hate me terribly
So if I
Said I was
Falling for
Someone else?
I would hope
You would
Understand.
If our roles
Were reversed
I would.
This doesn't
Mean I don't
Miss you.
I still do
But I cannot
Keep using
You as an
Excuse.
Because it's
Been eight
Months
Darcy.
You might
Think it's
Because he's
Always here
But that's not
Why.
I've gotten to
Know Jay
Better then
I knew you.
Worse not Better
Went to see
The doctor
Today.
I went alone
Because I didn't
Want your
Brother to hear
That nothing has
Changed.
I was wrong
Something did
Change.
I got worse.
It keeps
Getting harder
And harder to
Keep hoping
I'll get better.
Christmas
I remember our
First Christmas
Together.
You invited me
To stay over
At your place
And I said yes.
We spent the
Week decorating
The apartment
Making it look
Cheerful.
Each night we
Turned up the
Christmas songs
And danced around.
I never had
More fun
In my
Life.
This became our
Christmas tradition
For three and a
Half years.
But Darcy
It just doesn't
Feel the same
Without you
Here belting
Out the lyrics.
New Years
I'm sitting here
Watching the
Count down
On TV with
Jay.
At least I
Made it
To the new
Year.
But I don't
Know if
I'll stick
Around for
The next
One.
It's getting
Harder to
Breathe sometimes.
But I don't
Tell Jay.
He's had enough
Loss in his
Life don't
You think?
Maybe what
He needs now
Is a bit of
Hope.
Frustration
Darcy there were
Some days
When you refused
To get out
Of bed.
And there were
Days when I
Made you get
Up.
Do you remember
The day I
Took you
To the park
Just like our
First date?
I had hoped
You would be
Happy that
I tried to
Cheer you up.
And you tried
But it was
Too hard
For you.
When we got
Home you
Broke down
Crying.
"What's wrong?"
"Everything!"
You threw a
Vase at the
Wall.
"It's going to be okay."
"No it's not!"
I held you
While you
Cried.
Eventually you
Fell asleep
And I didn't
Move.
Beautiful
I remember the
Day when your
Hair started
Falling out.
You looked so
Defeated but
Just couldn't
Help it.
So I went
Out and bought
A razor.
When I got
Back you
Questioned what
I bought.
"It's a razor."
"To shave my hair?"
"And mine."
"Really?"
"Yes."
We stood in
The bathroom
And took turns
Shaving each others
Hair off.
"Well how do I look?"
"Beautiful."
First Date
Today I went
On a date
With your
Brother.
It was weird
But not
Because we
Are strangers.
Because we are
Used to being
Friends.
Jay took me
To the movies.
It was nice.
But I think
We payed more
Attention to
How each other
Was reacting
Then we did
To the movie.
I think we'll
Get used to
It in the future.
Jay's Letter
I keep trying
To write a
Letter for Jay.
He insists I'll
Get better
But he doesn't
Know how
Bad I am.
It's hard though.
Every time I
Go to start
The letter
I don't know
What to say.
I just don't
Want anything
To be left
Unsaid if I
Die.
This is just
A letter I'm
Scared to
Write.
Faith
I'm not much
For religion
But I found
Myself at
A church
Earlier today.
After trudging
Through snow
I got tired
And stopped
In the first
Place I saw.
Guess who
Was there
Darcy?
My mother.
I would have
Left if I
Was not out
Of breathe.
She was
Praying.
About what
I do not
Know.
I only stayed
Long enough
To warm up.
Then I left.
One Year
My hair's falling
Out again.
Maybe I'll
Shave it.
You have
Been gone
One year
Darcy.
It's been a
Rough year
For everyone.
And even though
It's stupid
I'm mad at
You for
Leaving me.
I'm mad at
Myself for
Growing closer
To Jay.
All there will
Be is heartbreak
When I'm
Gone.
I've given up
On keeping
Hope I'll
Get better.
Finished
I finished Jay's
Letter today.
I'm going to
Give it to
Him at the
End when
I'm sure.
Until then I'll
Hide it
Somewhere he
Won't find it.
He took me
Out on
Another date.
We went
Dancing.
I'm sure we
Looked ridiculous
Or sad.
A handsome man
With a sickly women
Who's shaved her
Hair.
I had trouble
Keeping up
But I didn't
Let him
Know.
I'm starting to
Understand now
Why you didn't
Tell me how
Bad you were.
I feel so broken.
Setback
I had a
Setback today
And scared
Jay.
This time he
Got a call
From the
Hospital.
I was out
Shopping when
I collapsed
On the ground.
I don't remember
Much until
I woke up
In the hospital.
While I was
Out I remember
Seeing you.
You were
Frowning at
Me.
"No no no. You shouldn't be here Joy."
"What do you mean?"
"It's not your time yet!"
"But don't you want me here?"
"Are you happy with Jay?"
"Yes."
And then I
Woke up.
I told this
To Jay but
He didn't
Know what
To say.
Small Miracles
I guess good
Things do
Come to those
Who wait.
I'm getting better
Darcy.
I don't feel
Like there's
A giant
Elephant on
My chest
Anymore.
But I didn't
Faint the other
Day because
I'm sick.
No they say
I'm pregnant.
I dropped the
Phone when
I heard this.
Jay came running
In to see
What was
Wrong.
But I was
Frozen in
Shock.
So he picked
Up the phone
And asked them
What the news
Was.
And they told
Then the phone
Call ended.
I'm pregnant Darcy.
What do I do?
Decisions
I once told
You I didn't
Want kids.
You never pushed
And asked me
Why.
Because you
Didn't care.
But Darcy the
Reason was
Simple.
I don't want
To be like
My mother
A heartless
Person who
Abandons
Their child.
Or like worse
Like my father
Who hated me
For simply
Being born.
I've spent days
Wondering what
I should do
And I'm still
Not totally
Sure.
Jay keeps telling
Me that I won't
Become like
My parents.
I want to
Believe I won't
Make the mistakes
My parents made.
I'll be a
Better mother.
I'm going to
Keep my baby
And raise him
Or her.
I can do this.
Progress
We called Jay's
Parents and let
Them know the
Good news.
They were so
Excited to hear
I was getting
Better but even
More excited to
Hear I'm
Pregnant.
They've decided
To fly out
And see us.
They'll stay in
Jay's old room.
I'm pretty excited
To see them
Again.
They treat
Me like I'm
Already family.
And it's nice
To feel like
I'm family.
I'm better then
I was a
Month ago.
Which is how
Far along I
Am now.
The morning
Sickness sucks
But otherwise
I couldn't be
Better.
I'm really happy Darcy.
Three Months
Three months better
And three months
Pregnant.
I'm only showing
A little bit.
You're parents
Left a few
Days ago.
They were so
Thrilled.
Asked me to
Call them Jim
And Sarah.
They cannot
Wait until
The baby
Comes.
Neither Jay
Or I have
Decided on
Names yet.
I guess we
Just want to
Wait until
We know
If it's a boy
Or girl.
Free
I am officially
Cancer free
And now five
Months pregnant.
It's become
Quite noticeable.
My stomach sticks
Out more.
My shirts don't
Fit as well
Anymore so
I've taken
A couple of
Jay's.
I don't think
He minds though.
He's been reading
A lot of books
On what to
Expect.
He'll make a
Great dad.
I just know it.
Sleepless
I've been feeling
A bit restless
Lately.
We've decided to
Wait until the
Babies come
To find out
Their genders.
Yes we're
Having twins.
We'll decide on
Names after
They're born.
I'm excited and
Nervous.
What if I
Screw up and
End up
Like my
Mother.
Or worse
Like my
Father?
Seven Months
I feel like
I swallowed
A giant balloon.
My feet are
Sore most of
The time.
I cannot
Wait until
The twins
Are born.
But then
I guess maybe
I could.
Being a parent
Sounds like
A handful.
But I think
We'll do fine.
Really wish you
Could see
Me now
Darcy.
Thoughts
I'm thinking maybe
We should move
Out of the
City.
Of course
It's my
Home but
I don't think
It's good for
Raising kids.
At least not
For me.
There are too
Many demons
Lurking in every
Corner.
And the apartment
Is far too
Small.
A home further
Out would
Be nice.
I'm afraid
Jay will
Disagree with
Me.
I haven't told
Him yet.
Forgotten
I forgot about
The letter I
Wrote to
Jay back
When I
Had given
Up.
I never thought
To move it
To a new
Hiding spot.
Then again
I never expected
A lot of
What's happening.
Jay found the
Letter and
Read it.
He found
It after cleaning
His room
Out before
His parents
Came to visit.
Jay started
Asking me questions
After he read it.
We got into
A fight.
I told him
The truth.
That I had
Given up
On getting
Better and
Wanted to make
Sure nothing
Was left
Unsaid.
Silent Nights
I've been getting
The silent
Treatment
For the past
Week.
I wish he
Would say
Something.
He just doesn't
Understand what
It's like to
Lose someone
And then
Become sick
Like they were.
And I hope
He never has
To.
I don't think
The apartment
Has been this
Silent before.
I'd prefer
He yelled
Over saying
Nothing.
Preparing
We're getting
Ready for
The arrival
Of the
Twins.
Less then
A week
To go.
Your parents
Have flown
Down and
My mother
Has even
Said she'll make
It.
I've spoken to
Her since
I saw her
That day
In the
Church.
I'm still wary
Of her
But she does
Seem a bit
Different.
Maybe I'll
Slowly
Let her back
Into my life.
Starting to wish
The twins
Would just
Be born
Already.
My stomach
Is huge.
We went to
Visit you
Today.
Jay still won't talk to me.
Twins
The twins
Are finally
Here.
A week
Later then
Accepted
But I love
Them so
Much already.
Jay loves
Them too.
And we finally
Decided on
Names.
Our two beautiful
Baby girls
Will be named
Jordan and
Darcy.
Jay picked
Jordan and
I wanted
Darcy.
After their
Aunt who passed
Away.
I wish you
Were here
To see their
Adorable
Faces.
You would
Love them
So much.
But since you
Can't be
With us.
Please watch over
Them.
My mother thinks
They're adorable
And Jim and
Sarah think
They're the
Cutest.
I'm so happy.
Surprises
It's been one
Month since
I gave birth
To the twins.
They are quite
The handful
But worth it
In every way.
Messy too.
Jay surprised
Me the other
Day with
Two things.
He got down
On one knee
And proposed.
"Will you marry me?"
"Yes!"
I threw my
Arms around him.
And woke up
The girls
In the process.
The other surprise
Was a house
He found for
The four
Of us.
We're getting
Ready to pack
Stuff and we
Move in next month.
It looks beautiful.
And its outside the city to.
New Beginnings
This is the
Last of my
Letter to
You Darcy.
Its time for
Me to move
On.
And I know
You cannot read
This but
It still gave
Me comfort
When I needed
It.
I will always
Have you in
My heart.
This will be
My last visit
To your grave
For a while.
You've been
Gone two years
Now.
Jay is waiting
For me
With the girls.
It's time for
Some new
Beginnings.
About Marissa Steidl
Marissa Steidl currently lives in Minnesota, with her parents and brother. She is currently working on her next work. When she's not writing, you can find her curled up with a good book.
Other Works by Marissa Steidl
Imagination Roams Wild
The Diary of Desiree
Connect with Marissa Steidl
Twitter