–It’s mothers at weddings dreaming about themselves.
–It’s when you break up with your hairdresser and she actually cries.
–It’s me telling the photographer not to retouch my picture but he ignored my request and gave me eyebrows anyway.
–It’s realizing you like to spank somebody or you like to play with rope, and then thinking you’re the only person in the world who does this. You feel so alone.
–This is super awful! I’m going to moonwalk off the stage right now!
–I’m a warrior for peace but everyone always says, “Oh sit down!” They think I’m just trying to look hot.
–Mother knows she is still the hottest gadget around. But this is not the time to tell the story because it will cause great strife. One day you’ll be able to tell it.
–If you hang around long enough you’re going to have a lot of stories to tell.
–One time I stole a jellybean. I was grounded for a month.
–Some of us have a cheerleader gene that’s wired into our brains to keep the rest of us going.
–What keeps me going is that I’m part of a memory base for someone else’s life – and hopefully that’s a good thing, and hopefully they’re good memories.
–Some of us might look like swans but we’re paddling furiously under water.
Eternity Delayed
It’s a different story this year. You don’t run away from it. You arrive on time for your annual deviation from the norm. You are ready.
You have trained in the uses of the dream catcher, as did Joseph Cornell. But it’s taking a lot out of you. It’s like being boxed with a stuffed canary, an hourglass, a piece of string, and a blue egg. The air’s so rare. Outside chatter has ceased to exist.
And you are still basically an awkward kid. Your visits to the writing desk are often noxious, though, now and then, goodwill flows your way. Regard and money. This is health.
Your only worry is whether or not your characters will show up for duty. They seldom do. You’ll be their stand-in again.
Your only hope is that the word-police will keep mountains from falling on your vigilance. That people will think of champagne and Liza Minnelli when they read you.
The Chorus Discussing God
–He’s an artist who thinks in public. He’ll help us think beyond the end of the world.
–His world vanished long before we ever entered it, but he certainly sustained the take-charge illusion with remarkable grace.
–He shaped and gave a kind of consensus to how we see the world.
–A world filled with clichés. And when you get to the guts of those clichés, you realize you know almost nothing about them.
–There’s a story here that we’re just not seeing.
–I’ve heard that God created the world to fend off boredom. He had nothing else to do.
–I’ve heard he gives great parties. The mood is upbeat.
–We’re supposed to have asked, “We have to do this with clothes?” He’s supposed to have answered, “You figure out how to do it with clothes.”
–Ever since, women are scurrying and guys are doing Super Mario Bros.
–Every morning we repeat the question: “What am I going to wear today?”
–You can wear whatever the hell you want as long as you kick ass.
–I do know that things are cyclical and that it’s very tough for God to stay relevant for any length of time.
–I think, finally, we’re just sounds.
It happens that a cricket enters an
abandoned house at the end of a road
rarely traveled to sing as the night
is falling.
—Charles Simic
Notes
Father’s Advice, second quote: Bruce McCulloch, Postmedia interview
Today’s Mystery, Banksy quote: Associated Press
The Marilyn Statue, Forever Marilyn, by Seward Johnson
Six-Day Forecast for Andrew, first quote: David Markson, The Last Novel
Vibe, quote: Canadian Press, January 1, 2015
Acknowledgments
Portions of this book were first published in Geist, The Exile Book of Canadian Comedy, Write – The Magazine of The Writer’s Union of Canada, and the Leacock Museum’s tribute anthology, 50+Poems for Gordon Lightfoot, to whose editors grateful acknowledgment is made.
A special thank-you to Karl Siegler for once again invaluable editorial advice; to Kevin Williams, Ann-Marie Metten, and the wonderful team at Talon; and to Anna Farrant for input on “Things She Wouldn’t Want.”
Grateful thanks to the Canada Council for the Arts for financial support, and to the jurors who made that decision.
About the Author
M.A.C. Farrant is the award-winning author of numerous works of fiction, non-fiction, memoir, and plays, and is a regular book reviewer for the Vancouver Sun.
The World Afloat: Miniatures, a collection of very short fiction, was published by Talonbooks in 2014 and won the City of Victoria Butler Book Prize.
Farrant lives in North Saanich, British Columbia.
Also by M.A.C. Farrant
Short Fiction
Sick Pigeon
Raw Material
Altered Statements
Word of Mouth
What’s True, Darling
Girls Around the House
Darwin Alone in the Universe*
The Breakdown So Far*
Down the Road to Eternity: New and Selected Fiction*
The World Afloat: Miniatures*
Novels
The Strange Truth About Us: A Novel of Absence*
Non-Fiction
My Turquoise Years
The Secret Lives of Litterbugs and Other True Stories
Plays
My Turquoise Years
Rob’s Guns & Ammo
* Available from Talonbooks
About Talonbooks
Thank you for purchasing and reading The Days: Forecasts, Warnings, Advice.
If you came across this ebook by some other means, feel free to purchase it and support our hard work. It is available through most major online ebook retailers and on our website. The print version is also available.
Talonbooks is a small, independent, Canadian book publishing company. We have been publishing works of the highest literary merit since the 1960s. With more than 500 books in print, we offer drama, poetry, fiction, and non-fiction by local playwrights, poets, and authors from the mainstream and margins of Canada’s three founding nations, as well as both visible and invisible minorities within Canada’s cultural mosaic.
© 2016 M.A.C. Farrant
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written consent of the publisher or a licence from Access Copyright (The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency). For a copyright licence, visit accesscopyright.ca or call toll free to 1-800-893-5777.
Talonbooks
278 East First Avenue, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada V5T 1A6
www.talonbooks.com
First printing and electronic edition: 2016
Cover illustration by Catrin Welz-Stein, catrinwelzstein.blogspot.com
Cover design by Chloë Filson
Talonbooks acknowledges the financial support of the Canada Council for the Arts, the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund, and the Province of British Columbia through the British Columbia Arts Council and the Book Publishing Tax Credit.
LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA CATALOGUING IN PUBLICATION
Farrant, M. A. C. (Marion Alice Coburn), author
The days : forecasts, warnings, advice / M.A.C. Farrant.
Short stories.
Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 978-1
-77201-007-7 (paperback).– ISBN 978-1-77201-008-4 (epub).– ISBN 978-1-77201-009-1 (kindle).– ISBN 978-1-77201-010-7 (pdf)
I. Title.
PS8561.A76D39 2016 C813’.54
C2016-902340-0
C2016-902341-9