"Martha,youaskedmeforanadvanceonyoursalary,"hebeganvehemently.I'mgoingto advanceJuly’spayroll,thedoublepayonsomebondsthatIowedyou.OnMonday,youshould have1,500Eurosinyouraccount.
"Thankyou,Manuel,"Iwantedtocrylikewhenmyneighborofthepeoplegavemedinner thenightbefore.
"That’swhatI’mherefor.Enjoytheweekend."
"Thankyou!"
Ilefttheworkataquarterpasttwo,withadoubledoseinjectionofhappiness.Ihadless than two hours until my date with Alejandro, although the idea of ​knowing that he would be givingmethefatalnewsthathewasdeparture,madethedoubledoseofhappiness,lessthan half...
Felisatookmetotheeyeglassplacewheresheworkedwithherfather.Whileexamining
myeyes,sheaskedmedetailsofmylittlechatwithAlejandro.
"I hope you get another..." she thought for a few seconds with a mischievous smile, "no, sixteenthchance."
"Claratoldmehe'smovingtoAveirotowork."
"Iheardthat.Maybeyou'llchangehismind."Herwordsgavemealittlehope."Butifthat's thecase,don’tscrewthisupagain."
"Ihurthimthatmuch?"
"Hurt? You would’ve done less harm if you had stuck a dagger in his stomach, Marta. I don’t even know how you dare to ask after all ... better not to talk about it because I might blowmytop"
"Yoursincerityis...Ican’tquitefindtheexactdefinition.WhereisAveiro,bytheway?"
"InPortugal.YouknowalltoowellthatAveiroisthePortugueseVenice.Nowyou'regoing tohatePortugalevenmore.
WhydidIhatePortugal?Inmypreviouslife,IranacoupleofadsinLisbonandfounditto beabeautifulcity.
"Allready.3.75dioptersofmyopiaineacheye."Shereachedintoaboxfullofcontacts.
Hereyougo.
"HowmuchdoIoweyou?"
"Nothing,It’sagift.Youhaveasupplyforsixmonths."
"No,butIwanttopayyou..."
"No,no,no.Iwanttogivethemtoyou,seriously.You’vebeenthroughsomuchalready, usethemoneytopaythewaterbill"
"Right...I'mtiredofgoingtothefountaintocollectwater..."Ilaughed.Thankyou,Felisa."
AndItriedtoholdbackthetearsrememberingallthekindnessshowntomelikeManueland hisgenerousraiseinmysalary,andmyoctogenarianneighborandherdinner...
"So,feellikeagirls'afternoontoday?"
"Iwouldloveto,but-"Felisanodded,trulyhappyforme.Thefeelingofbeinggenuinely happyforsomeoneelsebecausesomethinggoodhappenedtothemwasaconceptcompletely foreigntome.Myworldhadbeenquitetheopposite.Inmine,itwasenvy,tobedespisedby anothermodelifyoumanagedtosnatchtheadvertisingcampaignshesobadlycoveted."Okay sure,doyouhaveanymake-up?"
"Makeup?Yours?"Inodded.Ofcourse!You’resoweird!shesaidhappily.
Sheleftmeamakeupbagandmadeabeelineforthebathroomtohaveagoodmakeover
session.Anti-DarkCircles!Wonderful!AtlastIwasabletotakeoffthethoseblesseddinosaur sized glasses so my new green eyes shine through thanks to my new contact lenses. And my hair?LittleIcoulddo,soIdecidedtoputitupinabun.Ilookedinthemirror.
"Wow!Youlookreallybeautiful...Whatanimprovement.Wheredidyoulearnhowtodo that?"Felisaaskedinsurprise.
"Make-uptutorialsonYouTube..."Laurahadsatinthechairoftheworld’sbestmake-up artistsrevealingalltheirtricks...thankstoallmyyearsasamodel,Iknewallthesecretsof makeupandhowtobringoutthebestinanyfaceverywell.
"Loliislookingforamake-upartistinherhairsalon...Idon’tthinkyou'rebadatall."
"Youthinkso?Andbychance,youwouldn’thappentoknowthesalary?"
"Wouldyoutalktothemforme?"
"Okay,I'lldoit.Butgotalktoheryourselfassoonasyoucan."
"Yes!" I answered laughing, thinking about how to improve my bank account status and avoidmorefinancialproblems.Iwasn’tgoingtobeamillionaire,anditwouldn’tgivememy luxurious life, that's for sure ... but at least I could have water at home. "Well, I'm leaving.
Thanksforeverything."
IhuggedFelisa.ShelookedverysurprisedandsowasI.Ihadlandedinthatnewworld24
hours ago and I was already learning that friendship is one of life’s most treasured possessions.
My stomach began to growl once I got home at three in the afternoon. But there was my octogenarian angel, waiting at the door of her house with a Tupperware dish in her hand. I camerunning.
"Bonita,I'vemadeyoulunchtoday.Somethinglight."
"Thankyousomuch!"Ikissedheronthecheek.Thewomanstartedtolaughjoyfully.
"Youlookverynice,"shesaid,adjustingherglasses.
Iopenedthecontainer.Cauliflowerwithbéchamelsauce.Bechamelissomethinglight?I laughed,beforemyrudegrandmothercould.Iatequicklyandwenttotheroomtochangemy clothes.Iputonsomejeans,anotheroneofthosebaggyt-shirtsthatwereintheclosetandthe pairofsneakers.Itwasn’tbad.Notbadatall.Myfacehadacertainglow,Igavelifetothat face with dark circles under the eyes and those green eyes that were hidden behind the dinosaurglasses.
Half past three. Half an hour left until Alejandro arrives. I counted the seconds with impatienceandnervousness,something,thatwouldhaveneverhappenedasLaura.Nordidany
kindofAlexanderexistinmypreviouslife,whodismantledmybarriersandmademebelieve thatIhadaheartbehindmyarmorofice.
"Calmdown...calm,I'mnotgoingtokickyourass,"Isaidlookingupatthesky,asItooka lastpuffofmycigaretteIrestedontheterracerailing.Itwashot,veryhot."Thislife’snotso bad.Ipictureditbad,ofcourse...buttherearesomegreatpeopleinthisworld,youknow?"I didn’texpectanansweranyway,ofcourse.St.Petermusthavebeenbusyreceivingnewsouls inhisluxuriouswhiteroom,asiftopauseforamomenttolistentomydelusions."IfIhadhad theminmypreviouslife,Imighthavewonheaven."
Andsuddenly,IthoughtabouttheghostIsaw.I’dbeensobusythatIhadcompletelyforgotten aboutthewoman,andherconcernforherfive-year-oldson.Ifearedthatthenightwouldcome incaseIreturnedtoappearatthefootofmybeddoingapacingmarathon.Theshiverscame back to me. And my thoughts faded when I heard a soft horn coming from the street. I went downthestairssofastthatItrippedandfellwithmyfacemissingthegroundbyamillimeter, likeIwasprayinginanArabmosque.Iplayeditoff,hopingthatAlejandrohadseenmetakea spill. And suddenly, I heard my grandmother’s laugh. I was going to smack her face the next timeIsawher.
AsIlockedthedoor,IcouldseefromthecornerofmyeyeAlejandrostaredatmeinshock andsurprise.Igotintohiscar,awell-keptBMWandwaitedforhimtogreetme,buthedidn’t.
"You're..."Thewordsscarcelycameout.Maybebeautiful?Radiant?Spectacular?
"Different."DifferentwasnotthewordIexpectedtohear.IforgotforamomentthatIwas nolongeraspectacularmodel...Iwasthegirlnextdoor.
"Thankyou.Isuppose."
"It’shot.Weshouldgolater."Iwassodesperatetogo,thatwasnotwhatIwantedtohear.
"WillyoutakemetoMarvão,anyway?"
"Sure,butit’sthreeo’clocknow,andit’llbedeserted,"hesaidwithsomenegativity.
"Coffee’sgoodenough,don’tyouthink?"
"Since when do you drink coffee from Portugal? You hate the coffee there." Alejandro knewtoomuchaboutme,even
themostinsignificantdetails.
Disassemblingallofhisknowledgeaboutmeinseconds,itdidnotseemlikethebestplan tore-conquerhim.BeingsodifferentfromMartadidn’thelpeither.
"People change. I’ve changed Alejandro, and a lot ... How long has it been since we spoke?"
"SinceJanuary.Wehaven’tseeneachothersince..."Iaskedhimtocontinue."Why?"
"Justforgetit...Idon’twanttotalkaboutit."
"DidIhurtyouthatmuch?"
Alejandrostoppedlookingattheroadforafewsecondsandglaredatme.Ipointedtothe road,soIwouldn’tdieagain.Notinthatmoment.NotwithHim.Thesuspensewasdrivingme crazy. I needed to find out once and for all what I had done to him. Getting involved with Miguelmaybe?Wasthatit?Beingunfaithfultohimwouldn’thurtlessthanstabbinghiminthe stomach.Thosethingsaresurpassed!Butapparently,Martahaddonesomethingtohimthathe
couldneverforgot.Somethingthatcouldneverbeforgiven.AndIkeptrepeatingmyselfover andover...whydidshegetintoheavenandIdidn’t?Maybeshehadsufferedtoo,andthat's whyshemadeit.DoessufferingmakeSt.Peterfeelsorryforusandgiveusalittlepieceof heaven? Was that it? Laura didn’t suffer at all, she had a good life. She lacked nothing, her biggestchallengeswereanoccasionalbrokennailorabadhaircut.WithwhatIwassuffering inthatnewbody,Icouldalreadywinamegamansioninheaven.
"Whowasthewomanwithyoulastnight?Theblonde..."Hestartedtoblush.
"That'swhywe'restaying,there’ssomethingsIwannatotellyou."
I immediately realized that Alejandro was one of those guys with a mysterious streak. A man of few words, since we didn’t say anything else all the way there. We had crossed the borderalongtimeagofinallyarrivinginPortugal.Afterafewturningafewcurvesrighton themountain,Alejandroparkedthecarandwewalkeduptothetown’samazingentrance.
"SothisisMarvao..."Isaid,admiringthemajesticarchwaythroughwhichwasenteredthe elaborate town, surrounded by a wall, full of white houses and stone tiles that seemed to be therefromitsorigins.
Alejandrogavemeastrangelookbutsaidnothing.Wewalkedup,meetingsomeclueless
touristwholookedattheclearsky...butitwastruewhatAlejandrohadsaidwhenweleftthe village, it was deserted. We went down stairs and sat on the terrace of a bar with views of mountains,villagesandsky...thewaitresstookaboutfiveminutestocome,Alejandrolooked at the cell phone without considering my presence. When the two coffees were brought with ice, I lit a cigarette, and by the look on Alejandro’s face, it seemed that a war was about to breakout.
"You still haven’t quit?" he asked annoyed. I shrugged. He took a sip of his coffee. He lookedatmedeterminedly.Iwatchedhimexpectantly.Hesmiled.
"HaveyouheardI’mleavingtown?"
"Iheardsomethinglikethat."
"I'vebeenofferedagoodjobinamallinAveiro."
"Iknow."Iloweredmygaze.IfIkeptstaringatthosehardandcoldgreeneyes,Iwouldcry at any moment. And something inside me wondered ... Where is the ice-cool top model? A womandressedlikeapeasantfromcenturiesagosatdownatthenexttable.Ilookedatherand lookedbackatmewithasmile.Isitcarnivalorsomething?
"No ... Why?" Alejandro looked at the table where I saw the peasant and looked at me again,bewilderedoncemore.Thepeasantwomanwasstillsmiling.
"Youwantsomething?"Iasked,notrealizingyet,thatonlyIcouldseeher.Thewoman,in herfifties,shookherheadandleft.
"No,justcoffee.It'sallright,"saidAlexanderthemomentIrealizedthatI’dseenanother ghost.
"Okay..."
"Aboutthewomanlastnight...I'mgoingtomarryher.It'scrazybecausewe'vebeengoing out together for a short time, but-" he sighed. "Yes, I’m getting married..." he continued, speakingasiftryingtoconvincehimself.Hedidn’tconvincemeofanything.Nothing.
IturnedpaleasthewhitewallsofthelittlehousesinthePortuguesevillage.DidIwantto torture myself or something? I didn’t know what to say, since I didn’t really know what had
happenedbetweenhimandMarta.AllIknewwasthatasLaura,Inevergottofeelanything likethatforanyonelikewhatIwasstartingtofeelforAlejandro,withoutevenknowinghim.
"It'strue,you'vechanged.TheformerMartawould’vegotupandbeatmeup,"helaughed.
"WasIsoviolent?"
"You'reverypretty,youknow?"Finally!
"Thank you. Nothing ... " I was speechless. "I hope you’ll be very happy." Alejandro smiledatme,butinhiseyesIcouldseesadness,muchsadness.
"That’sit?YouhopeI’llbehappy?"
"Whatdoyouwantmetosay?"Iasked.Thatseemedtosinkhim.Awoundtotheheart.
"Iwishwewould’vehadourchild...thatyouwouldn’thavethoughtofthecrazyideaof​
having an abortion without my consent, without saying anything ..." Tears streamed down his face.Heslowlystirredtheiceinhiscoffeewithaspoon.Ihadneverseenamanshedatear before, not like that. I felt immense pain at the end of the story. And then, to drown your sorrowsandyourregretbygettingdrunkeverynight,foolingaroundwithanyoneinthebar’s bathroomsink.
"Alejandro ..." I looked up at the sky, where Marta would be saying something like ...
"Nowit'snotmyproblem,it'syours."Iwantedtogoupthereandkickherass.HersandSaint Peter’sforlettingherintothelight.AndItoostartedtocry,feelinganunbearabletwingeinmy newheart.
"Thereisnothingthatcanbedoneaboutitnow.AnewlifeiswhatIneed."
"Butyoustillloveme,"Iinsisted,"andyou'regoingtomarryawomanyoudon’tlove."
"That's not true, I do love her," he answered without hesitation. But even he couldn’t believe his own lie. The question was ... could I love someone this stranger? From the beginning,IfeltthisuncontrollablepulltowardshimbutIdidnotknowwhatexactlyitwas.
Maybe it was my body, accustomed to Alejandro as my fingers to the supermarket cash register.
"YouknowperfectlywellthatIdon’t.Don’tfoolyourselfanymore,"Isaid,takingonelast dragofmycigaretteandreflectingalotonwhatIwasfeelingforsomeoneI’djustmet.
Alejandro wiped the tears away from his eyes and drew me gently towards him while holdingthebackofmyneck.Andashestrokedmyfacewithhisotherhand,welookintoeach other’seyes.Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffhim,theattractionwassostrong.Smiling,hebrought his lips to mine and mine to his, drowning in a sweet, slow and romantic kiss. The most beautifulandauthentickissI'veeverhad.Ifthatwasn’tlove,whatwasit?Whilelockedinhis kiss,IimaginedtherealMarta,whowasmissingthatmomentandpartlytheonewhowonhim.
I,newlyarrivedandoccupyinghisbody,didn’tthinkIdeservedthisluck.
"Youlookdifferent,"hesaid,whisperingwithhislipsstillagainstmine."Youneverkissed melikethat."
"BecauseIdonotwanttoloseyou,"Iansweredautomatically,asifmylipshadalifeof my own and my brain was asleep. And he kissed me again, this time more passionately but withthesamesweetnessasthepreviouskiss.
Hepulledawayslightly,andIsawhebegantodoubtme.Iwould’velikedtobeaspirit again,ifjustforamoment,tobeabletoreadhismind.Toknowwhatitwasthatdistressed him,whatworriedhim.Findoutwhathewasgoingtodowithhislife...andmine.Iknewhe
expectedmetotellhimnottogetmarriedandnotacceptthenewjob,butIcouldn’tdothat.
No,notifthatwaswhatwasgoin
gtomakehimhappy.Andthenhiscellphonerang.Hestared atthescreen.Serious,veryserious.Itwasher,thewomanhewasgoingtomarry.
"Hey."
"..."
"Nottoday,no."
"..."
"Wewillspeaklater."
"......"
"I'mtellingyouwe'lltalklater."
"......"
"Bye."
Heshookhishead.
"You'reright,Idon’tloveher.HowcanImarryherifIdonotloveher?AndhowcouldI acceptthisjobifIwanttoliveintownwithyou?"
"Howmanychanceshaveyougivenme?"
"Toomany..."
"AndIalwaysscrewedup."Shenoddedsadly."Whydoyouthinkthistimeisgoingtobe different?"
"You'retellingmetogetmarried?"
"No, if you do not love her, don’t get marry. But if that job is better than what you have now,acceptit.Maybeyou’llmeetsomeoneyou’llfallinlovewith,andthatpersonwillmake youhappy.Apparently,Iwasn’tgoodatit."
I was afraid of hurting him. I was in love, a force superior to me and everything I knew until that moment, I was drawn to him like a magnet ... but ... how could I assure a happy endingtohisstory?Andinthemeantime,myegocentrictopmodelwasstilldormant...because if not, I would have said something like ... "Don’t tell me about your problems. Take me home."Atthatmoment,IunderstoodthatmystoryasLaurawasoverandtheworstpartofme haddiedwithmypreviousbody.Whatwasleftwasgood,whichInevergottoseeofmyself.
Anditwasthere,inabodyscarredbyanabortionandaseriousaddictiontoalcohol.
"Comewithme,"hesaid.
"Ican’t."
"Afterallwe’vebeenthroughandallmissedopportunities,wedeserveasecondtry.Ilike whatIseeinyou,howyou'vechanged,how...Wecanbehappy,Marta."