Rosato & DiNunzio Series
Damaged
Corrupted
Betrayed
Accused
Rosato & Associates Series
Think Twice
Lady Killer
Killer Smile
Dead Ringer
Courting Trouble
The Vendetta Defense
Moment of Truth
Mistaken Identity
Rough Justice
Legal Tender
Everywhere That Mary Went
About the Authors
LISA SCOTTOLINE is a New York Times bestselling and Edgar Award–winning novelist and coauthor of this series of humorous memoirs. There are 30 million copies of her novels in print, and she has been published in thirty countries. She and Francesca also write a Sunday column entitled “Chick Wit” for The Philadelphia Inquirer. She lives in the Philadelphia suburbs with an array of disobedient pets. You can visit Lisa at scottoline.com, or sign up for email updates here.
FRANCESCA SERRITELLA is a New York Times bestselling author and a columnist for The Philadelphia Inquirer. She graduated cum laude from Harvard University, where she won the Thomas Temple Hoopes Prize for her novella. She lives in New York City with one dog and one cat, so far, and she is working on a novel. You can visit Francesca at francescaserritella.com, or sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Introduction • Lisa
Perking Up • Lisa
We’re Having a Baby! • Francesca
Spot On • Lisa
Recipe Ambition • Lisa
Our Ladies of Perpetual Motion • Lisa
New Year’s Meh • Francesca
Lift and Separate • Lisa
The Off Switch • Lisa
Becoming Thirty • Francesca
Mother Mary and the Eyebrow • Lisa
Moo • Lisa
Barking up the Wrong Tree • Francesca
Question Authority • Lisa
Something We Can All Agree On • Lisa
Topsy-Turvy • Francesca
Adventures in Herpetology • Lisa
The Scent of a Woman • Lisa
Pay the Troll • Francesca
Ball o’ Fun • Lisa
Going Where the Weather Suits My Clothes • Lisa
Brain Freeze • Francesca
Leave a Tip • Lisa
Scrambled Eggs • Lisa
Anniversary • Francesca
Batter Up! • Lisa
Diaper Genie • Lisa
One-Piece of Mind • Francesca
World Police • Lisa
Good Morning! • Lisa
Potted • Lisa
Happy Birthday • Lisa
Pushed Around • Lisa
Beach Bums • Francesca
Work Zoned • Lisa
The American Dream • Lisa
The View from the Ferry • Francesca
For the Win • Lisa
Back to School • Lisa
Girl Vitamin • Francesca
Which Spices Would You Take to a Kitchen Island? • Lisa
Legends of the Fall • Lisa
Political Partisan Seeks Same • Francesca
Twelve Hundred of My Closest Friends • Lisa
Running on Empty • Francesca
If You’re a Woman, They Only Want One Thing • Lisa
Mother Mary Gets an Idea • Lisa
Picture Imperfect • Francesca
iPhonatic • Lisa
Home Is Where the Bra Comes Off, Part 2 • Lisa
On Guyatus • Francesca
Suburban Story • Lisa
I Like Big Brains and I Cannot Lie • Lisa
High Note • Francesca
Collect Them All • Lisa
It’s a Boy! • Lisa
Remote Control Freak • Lisa
The Bridal Shower 2.0 • Francesca
House Dreams • Lisa
SuperLisa • Lisa
Hi, My Name Is • Francesca
Netflixxed • Lisa
Like a Rolling Book • Lisa
Sniff Test • Francesca
Pasta Impasse • Lisa
Let’s Twist Again • Lisa
Don’t Bot with My Heart • Francesca
Built Ford Tough • Lisa
Weeding • Lisa
Keep Calm and Carry On • Lisa
Drunk Click • Francesca
The Bottom Line on the Bottom-of-the-Line • Lisa
Acknowledgments
Exposed Teaser
Other Nonfiction by Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella
About the Authors
Copyright
I NEED A LIFEGUARD EVERYWHERE BUT THE POOL. Copyright © 2017 by Smart Blonde, LLC, and Francesca Scottoline Serritella. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.stmartins.com
Cover design by Michael Storrings
Cover photographs: inflatable crocodile © Image Source/Getty Images; pool © PhotoAlto/Frederic Cirou/Getty Images; pool water © Marcel Germain/Getty Images
All photographs courtesy of the authors except where indicated.
The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-1-250-05996-3 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-46686526-6 (e-book)
e-ISBN 9781466865266
Our e-books may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by e-mail at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.
First Edition: July 2017