I sigh as I run
my fingers through my
messy, sandy hair.
“Just come home. Please?”
“You’re not gonna win this one, Kel.
I’m sorry.
Tell them I’m fine, all right?
And I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She sniffles.
“Love you, Jelly.”
“Love you too, Kelly Belly.
I gotta go.”
I hang up,
my heart racing,
the back of my neck sweaty.
“Hey, Amber?”
Cade knocks.
“You okay?”
“I’ll be out in a minute.”
Cade’s words echo
in my head.
I bet others would say screw it,
and just not go back.
Six months ago
Dear Amber,
Like I told you when you were ten, you can tell me anything, ask me anything, even if you have to write it down.
Here’s what you have to remember—you are a strong girl. I admire you and your strength. Look at how you helped your sister, and even me at times, through the divorce. You have such a good head on your shoulders.
You can do this. You can! And you know we’ll be right by your side doing everything we can to help you through this.
Although you will have to leave the things and people you love, you’ll always come back to them. You aren’t losing us, sweetheart. I know it may feel that way, but you’re not losing us! We can talk every day on the phone, we can do Skype chats, I’ll even come down a couple of times and spend the weekend with you. I’ve already checked with Allen and Jeanie, and they said they wouldn’t have any problem with that.
We must stick together and adjust to this big change.
Thank you for letting me know how you feel. I’m always here for you—don’t ever forget that. No matter where you are, I’m here for you.
I love you,
Mom
more surprises
Back at the table,
I want to put everything
out of my mind
except for Cade.
While we wait for food to come,
we stick to safe
topics of conversation.
Our favorite seafood—
him: lobster
me: crab
What we like to read—
him: graphic novels
me: realistic fiction
Our pets—
him: a dog named Boo
me: a cat named Tiny
How said pets got their names—
him: white like a ghost
me: the fattest cat you’ve ever seen
How many girlfriends/boyfriends we’ve had—
him: two
me: one (although I don’t tell him it was one
of those fake fifth-grade romances)
Whether we are attached at the moment—
him: no
me: no
And then we get
quiet.
Luckily the waiter
brings our food.
Steak and lobster.
“Uh, this is your usual?” I ask.
“My mom’s a vegetarian.
I can’t eat like this at home.
Plus, my older brother owns the place.”
“Family discount, then?”
He smiles.
“Thanks.
For bringing me here.”
As if on cue,
music starts to play.
It sounds like it’s coming
from upstairs.
I take my knife and fork
and tap out the beat
on the table.
It makes him laugh.
“I had a feeling you might like it here.”
And I have a feeling,
as the drumbeats
get louder,
that he is exactly right.
where I belong
Bellies full
of surf and turf
and spirits tired
of trying too hard
to keep things simple,
we head upstairs.
A small crowd
has gathered
to listen to the band.
The loud, fast music
with a hard edge
comes at us,
and I feel it
slicing
us
wide open.
They want us
to feel the loudness,
not just hear it.
And people do,
raising their fists
in the air,
punch,
punch,
punching it out,
showing the band
they’re with them
all the way.
It’s not the best
music in the world,
and who knows
what the hell
the lyrics are,
loud works.
I watch the drummer
and focus on
the rhythm he plays.
He pounds out
the beats
with purpose,
and my arms ache
to make some noise.
Cade leans in,
yells in my ear,
“Do you want to play?”
“What? With them?” I ask.
“Yeah. I know them.
They’re cool.”
They finish the song and the
lead singer bends down
to grab his drink.
“But I don’t know their songs.”
“I bet you can find something.”
I can’t deny it. I’d love to play.
Still, I try to keep it cool.
“Sure. If they’re up for it.”
He runs up onstage and
I see him talking
and pointing at me.
It’s not long before
I’m onstage, Cade
introducing me
to the band members,
Martin, Chase, and Henry.
“How about some White Stripes?” I ask.
“Seven Nation Army?” Henry suggests.
I nod.
Awesome.
The drummer, Chase,
jumps offstage and heads
for the bar.
I sit down.
I raise my arms in the air.
And before I know it,
there is nothing in this
world except me
and the rhythm
and the music
and the display of fists
telling me that right now,
everything is exactly
how it should be.
music is such an aphrodisiac
It’s the release
I needed.
I play like a girl
possessed.
The boys offer me
the gift of
a solo, so I take it,
open it up,
and make it mine.
All mine.
When we’re through,
the crowd yells
and I take a bow,
gratitude dripping
off of me.
I give my temporary
bandmates a wave
and jump down
into Cade’s arms.
He spins me around
saying words like
“amazing” and
“incredible.”
And I think to myself,
Yes you are,
yes you are,
yes you are,
yes you are,
yes you are.
take me there
Henry tells the
expanding crowd
the band is taking a break
and will be back in ten.
Cade disappears
for a minute,
then comes back
with a guitar.
When he takes the stage,
I can feel him taking
my soul
right along
with him.
He looks over at me.
“This one’s for you.”
“Blue sky,
sun on skin.
Open road,
take it in.
It’s this feeling I get
that I can’t seem to find
except when I let
all the worries unwind
when you’re there by my side.
When you won’t let me hide.
Let’s go for a ride.
Hand in hand,
feelings sincere.
All we need
we’ll find right here.”
His voice, smooth as
water, washes over me.
And I am there,
on that road, the sun
warm on my skin,
and a feeling
of happy anticipation
fills me.
And when it’s over,
tears fill my eyes
because it’s not
the road that I’m on.
And I want it to be.
God, how I want it to be.
One month ago
Dear Amber,
We are starting to get things ready for your arrival.
We’re converting the guest room into your bedroom. We’ll provide the basics for now, and once you get here, I’ll take you shopping so you can decorate any way you’d like.
Allen insisted you have a bookcase so you can fill it with books. When we met you in the attorney’s office, you said you liked to read, and Allen remembered that. If you have some specific titles you’d like him to get for you, please drop him a note. He’d be more than happy to have them waiting for you.
We’re both getting so excited to have you here! Can’t believe, after all this time, you’ll be joining us soon.
Is there anything you’d like me to know about food preferences, allergies, etc. before you arrive? Otherwise, we’ll figure it all out when you get here.
Love,
Jeanie and Allen
me and you
When Cade rejoins me,
he sees that I’ve gone
from elation to devastation
in the strum of a chord,
and I can tell it hurts him.
“It’s not you,” I tell him
as he pulls me into a corner.
“You were great.
You are great.
Too great, really.”
He wipes away a tear
so gently
it’s like an invitation
for more to fall.
But I close my eyes
and force them back
because he doesn’t need that.
And then,
in the moment
of wishing away tears
and wanting to live
in his song,
his lips touch mine.
It’s a soft kiss at first,
tender like he is,
and then stronger
as we pull
each other closer,
wanting to push
everything else away
except
this.
the feeling’s mutual
My emotions
are on a
bungee chord.
Plummeting
one minute and
rebounding the next.
When he pulls away,
he whispers, “Better?”
I smile.
“Much.”
“Let’s get out of here.”
He takes my hand
and holds it
like he owns it.
And as we leave,
I realize for the
first time
in a long time
I’m not secretly scared
by someone wanting
to be with me,
but instead
so very grateful
for it.
so much goodness
Outside,
the night has
gotten colder,
but I embrace it
like an old friend.
It feels good.
Suddenly
everything
feels
good.
We walk to the
grocery store
on the corner.
“Did you see that movie?” I ask.
“Although, the book was better.”
From his face,
I can tell
he has no clue.
It’s not really obvious.
So I tell him.
“Nick and Norah.
The night in New York City?
It feels a little like that.
Except not as cool.”
“Yeah,” he says
as we head for the
school supply section.
“I’m not cool.
Not like you, drummer girl.”
“You are too cool.”
I pause. “Castle boy.”
He laughs.
“Sounds like a bad boy band.
Introducing the Castle Boys!”
I grab
a small container
of glitter.
Because this day,
this wonderful,
beautiful,
glorious day,
just wouldn’t be complete
without a little,
or a lot, of
a dream come true
Our next stop
is a part of town
I’m not familiar with.
Cade parks on a street,
near the beach,
in front of a row
of small houses,
and while I admire
the hazy moon,
he gathers everything
we need from the
trunk of his car.
Apparently that
consists of a blanket,
a flashlight, a bottle of water,
and a hat, which he hands to me.
His concern for
my well-being
makes my heart
pound out a rockin’ solo
inside my chest.
We walk down to the beach,
and he lays out the blanket
near a hole in the sand
that contains a log
with glowing embers.
I’m thinking about
me and him
and a fire
and a blanket.
And then I’m yelling,
“Wait!”
because maybe
I’m a tiny bit nervous
about me and him
and a fire
and a blanket.
He jumps back.
“Sorry.
I thought maybe we could
throw the glitter first.”
“Okay, then.
Let’s do it.”
I take the bottle
of glitter and pour
some in my hand
and some in his.
“Should we do something first?” I ask.
“Yes. Close our mouths.”
“No, I mean, make a wish or something?”
“Okay.
Out loud or to ourselves?”
“To ourselves.”
So, quietly, we wish,
and when I think it’s been
sufficient wishing time,
I say, “Ready. Set.
No—stop, it’s too dark.
I have to get the flashlight.”
I hold the flashlight
above my head and shine
it on him like a spotlight.
“You first, Cade.
Ready, set, go!”
His hand flies up
and sparkles
rain down on him.
He spins around,
pretending to be a ballerina
dancing in the glitter,
and it makes me laugh.
“My turn.”
He takes the flashlight
and places me in
the spotlight this time.
I toss the glitter
and hold my hands out,
trying to catch some
like a child tries to catch
snowflakes.
For a moment
the air is pretty,
sparkly,
and full of wonder.
But in a breath,
it’s over.
He flicks off the light,
leaving us in darkness.
“Was it as thrilling as you thought?”
“It was over too soon,” I whisper.
He cups my face
with both hands,
leans in,
eyes lingering a
sweet second
before his lips
are there on mine,
teasing,
playing,
tasting,
kissing.
When he pulls away,
I’m breathless.
He nuzzles my ear.
“Now that’s thrilling.”
You got that right.
kissing
Lips on lips,
feel the heat.
Silky soft,
honey sweet.
Stay right here,
feed me more.
Lips on lips,
like never before.
wrap me up
I shiver.
He pulls away.
“Are you cold?” he asks.
“A little.