I could survive.
no fair
For two days
and two nights
we stayed in the
teeny-tiny house,
playing cards
and watching movies.
My guitar
was in the car
because I insisted
on bringing it,
but I was embarrassed to play it
in front of everyone.
So there was nothing else to do.
I had never
ever
ever
ever
ever
been
so
completely
bored.
Even Dad
was starting to look
like he was plagued
with cabin fever.
Which is probably why
he didn’t argue at all
when his boss called him
and told him
he had to
fly to New York
on Thanksgiving night
and meet with a lawyer
first thing
Friday morning.
“Can I go with you?” I asked him.
“I’ve always wanted to see New York.”
He shook his head
and told me
I had to stay with
Victoria and Ivy
because she might need help
on the drive home.
Wonderful.
“Did you know this might happen, Dad?” I asked.
“Yeah.
I mean, with my job, it’s always a possibility.”
It suddenly made
perfect sense
why they forced me
to come along.
happy thanksgiving
At Linda’s suggestion,
we went around the table
and said what we were thankful for.
There was only one rule.
Once something was said,
it couldn’t be said again.
Linda said family.
Ted said football.
Dad said health.
Victoria said Ivy.
Eyes turned to me.
Some eyes were curious,
some eyes were hopeful,
and it felt like
some eyes were disapproving.
Whatever they were,
they were all on me.
And when I said
the word “Blaze,”
four eyes looked confused
and four others looked embarrassed.
“My boyfriend,” I mumbled,
to at least make the confused
less so.
They nodded
and smiled,
then Ted jumped up and said,
“Okay, let’s cut the bird, shall we?”
So we gobbled the turkey,
got stuffed on the stuffing,
and ended on a sweet note
with fresh pumpkin pie.
After dinner
Linda brought out gifts
wrapped up in
paper splattered with
Santas, snowmen,
and angels.
I wondered if her calendar
was on the wrong month.
She told us
to take them home
and put them
under our tree
since we wouldn’t be seeing them
for Christmas.
They’d be going to
North Carolina
to visit Victoria’s brother
and sister-in-law.
Dad threw the box of gifts
in the back of the Trooper
before he left for the airport.
I got a quick good-bye,
while Victoria and the baby
got a lingering one outside
as Ted waited in the car
to drive Dad to the airport.
When Victoria came inside,
I noticed the tears on her face
before she retreated
to her room.
Linda said, “Come on, Ali.
Let’s play rummy.”
Man.
Dad was
so
lucky.
missing you
Thursday night
Victoria let me
so I could call Blaze,
since I hadn’t yet
replaced my old one.
He told me
how much he missed me
and that he’d just been working,
except not on Thanksgiving
since the store was closed
for the holiday.
He told me
how he slept until noon,
woke up,
watched football all afternoon,
then ate dinner
with his family.
Sounded
perfect
to me.
I asked him
about Claire,
and he said
they talked
and he’d tell me
more when I got home.
“Tell me now. Please?”
“Oh, Al, I don’t know.
She’s being weird.
I told her to stop it.
We kind of got in a fight, to be honest.”
I felt my stomach
tighten at those words.
“When you get back, you’ll work it out,” he said.
“Tell me again how much you miss me,” I said softly,
wanting that to carry me until I got back home.
He said,
“Like a tree misses its leaves
as it stands bare and naked
in the dead of winter.”
Big. Sigh.
“We need to write a song together,” I told him.
“You’re so good with words.”
“You’re on,” he said.
“But only if we make it hot and sexy.”
I laughed.
“You’re so persistent.”
“One of my best qualities,” he said.
“Then go use it on Claire.
And tell her to be my friend again.”
let’s go
It was decided
Friday night
over turkey sandwiches
and turkey noodle soup
we’d be heading home
Saturday morning.
Although not quite winter yet,
the forecasters were saying
Mother Nature
was planning
a spectacular preview.
So Victoria wanted to leave
before it hit.
Of course
there was no argument
from me.
When I woke up at 5 a.m.
for the fifth day in a row,
I was so tired,
all the coffee
in the world
couldn’t help me.
I rummaged through
the medicine cabinet
while the water
in the shower heated up.
Tylenol PM
jumped out at me,
and I decided
it was my
perfect solution
for a peaceful
ride home.
I took two,
then let the water
in the shower
wash over me
as I thought
of Blaze
and Cobain
and Claire,
and how Dorothy was so right.
There’s no place like home.
sleepyheads
Once settled in the car
and on the road,
Ivy fell fast asleep,
perhaps aware
of how badly
we both wanted her
to do just that.
And I
was right
behind her,
ready to dream
of being safe
in Blaze’s arms
once
again.
awake
The first thing
I noticed
before I opened my eyes
was that my bladder
felt like it was going
to burst.
The second thing
I noticed
before I opened my eyes
was Victoria
cussing as she revved
the engine.
The third thing
I noticed
before I opened my eyes
was that we weren’t
moving.
My eyes
flew
OPEN.
Out the window
it looked so strange,
I blinked,
and blinked again.
It didn’t look
real.
Like at home
when I turn out the light
in my room
and all I see
is blackness.
It was snow,
falling so hard,
all I could see
was whiteness.
Whiteout.
this can’t be happening
As if sensing
the sheer panic
I was feeling,
Ivy started crying.
Without thinking,
I stuck my pinky
in her mouth.
“Victoria, please tell me I’m dreaming.”
And then
Victoria started crying.
It didn’t go on long
before I yelled,
“Stop it!
God, you’re not helping.”
She turned around,
bit her lip,
sniffled, and nodded.
Then she reached back
and unlatched Ivy
from her car seat,
pulling her close,
like a little girl
looking to her doll
for comfort.
Victoria started talking
faster than
my heart was beating.
Something about
a bad wreck on the freeway
near the Oregon border,
so she turned off
to take the back roads
that she drove with Dad last summer.
She babbled on
about the snow
coming harder and harder,
stopping to feed Ivy,
then continuing on,
going down winding back roads for miles,
trying to find her way.
“And now,” she said, finally slowing her words down,
“we seem to be—”
“Stuck,” I said, since she hesitated to say the word.
“So call someone.”
She pointed her pink phone at me.
“It’s dead.
You used it last night, and I forgot my charger.”
I shook my head,
trying to get this new piece
of information
to sink in,
but I had to pee so bad,
I couldn’t even think.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“Three.”
Damn.
Guess I was tired.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” I asked her.
“Like you could have helped,” she said,
in a tone that totally irritated me.
I grabbed my coat
from the back
and put it on.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To the bathroom,” I mumbled.
When I jumped out of the car,
the cold slapped my face
as the snow
devoured my boot-covered feet,
and it was as if
I’d come face to face
with a
freaking
frosted
monster.
A monster,
I hoped,
who would get tired of us
and would very quickly
let us
go.
day one
I tried to push the car out
with Victoria at the wheel.
No luck.
She tried to push the car out
with me at the wheel.
No luck.
Again
and again
we tried.
No luck.
No luck.
No luck.
Dad always said
people in Seattle
who had fancy SUVs
with four-wheel drive
were paranoid,
since it only snows,
like, once a year there.
Well, I wished he had been
a bit more paranoid
about us going on a
million-mile road trip
with a baby.
Without four-wheel drive,
getting out
seemed
impossible.
Ivy wailed,
her cries
a reflection
of what we
were feeling.
We collapsed
in the car,
trying to melt
the icicles on our hands
that used to be fingers.
It wasn’t until
warm tears
stung my frozen face
that I realized
Ivy wasn’t the only one
crying.
heated
Sadness
quickly became
red,
hot
anger,
despite
the bitter cold
around us.
I tried to hold it in,
but it was like trying to
keep a lit firecracker
inside a cardboard box.
“How the hell did this happen?” I yelled.
“I don’t get it!
One minute,
we’re driving down
the damn freeway.
And the next,
we’re in the middle of nowhere,
stuck in a blizzard?
Are you really that freaking stupid?”
Sizzling.
Scorching.
Hot.
“Okay, stop it!” she screamed.
“The storm came out of nowhere.
And all the roads started to look the same.
It’s not my fault, Alice.
It’s not!”
“What the—
Then who the hell’s fault is it?
Mine?
Is it my freaking fault?”
Silence.
I laughed.
“You’re going to blame this on me, aren’t you?
I bet you’re plotting right now
what you’re going to say to Dad
to turn him against me even more.
Well, how about this?
Why don’t you
just throw me
out there to freeze to death?
Then you could have
your nice little family
without me.
Or I know,
I’ll make it easy for you!
I’ll just go.”
Burning.
Boiling.
Hot.
I started to reach back
for my guitar,
because where I go, it goes,
but Victoria grabbed my arm
and pulled me back to my seat.
Hard.
“You listen to me, Ali,” she hissed.
“I’m not plotting anything.
And you’re not going anywhere.
You’re staying here,
and we’re going to figure this out.
&n
bsp; Together.
And I want you to know something.
Just because you hate me doesn’t mean I hate you.
I’ve tried my best—”
“What?
Your best?
Come on, you haven’t tried your best
to do anything.
Most of the time, you ignore me.
How is that trying?”
Searing.
Steaming.
Hot.
“I don’t ignore you!
I leave you alone
because you make it clear that’s what you want.
You miss your mom.
I get that.
But don’t make me out to be some terrible person.
Because I’m not.”
She took a deep breath,
her eyes closing as her
tongue curled up
like I’d seen it do so many times before.
She blinked, and blinked again.
But it didn’t help.
The tears started to come.
“Of course it’s my fault
we’re in this Goddamn mess,” she cried.
“Is that what you need to hear?
You want to hear how bad I feel,
knowing I’ve done this to you?
To Ivy?
To all of us?”
She wiped her face
with the back of her hand,
then pointed at me.
“Right now, it’s you and me.
We have to work together,