my second one, see Firth, Colin
IKEA,
Allen keys, 97–98, 245
assembling desk with teeth, 53–54
Junie B. Jones Robs a Bank and Flees to Mexico, 255
Ken doll:
decapitated, 165, 213
neutered, 109
resemblance to Canada’s
Prime Minister, 165
licking,
eyeglasses, 205
ketchup off a plate, 157
minivans, 147
monkey bars, 147
swing sets, 260–61
tires, 203
upholstered seats, 204
windows, 260
loser cruiser, see minivan
Max and Ruby’s absent parents, 159
minivan,
carving names into, 263–265
licking, 147
monkeys driving motorcycles, 71, 116
music lessons,
drinking, 229–32
husband kicked out of, 232
playing piano with elbow, 231–232
playing piano with forehead, 230, 271
playing vomit key, 231
peeing,
impossible after C-section, 40–41
in front yard, 234
in sister’s bike helmet, 234
on Minnie Mouse, 148–49
pets,
barn cat that lies on her back too much, 49
dead fish, 198–99
dead puppies, 62, 221
half a hamster, 197
kids who pretend to be dogs, 196–97
killdeer with broken wings, 254
pregnancy,
buying a baby instead, 154
hair that looks like sheet, 4
mushrooms growing in armpits, 7, 17
playing checkers on stretch marks, 20–21
walk-into-the-wall contest, 16
robbery,
bank, 98
hotel, 99
office supply store, 208–09
Simpsons, The,
Maggie, 69
Mr. Burns, 204
Homer, 204, 208
Marge, 233
Stripper Barbie,
The Exorcist, 212
funeral for, 213
International Women’s Day, 214
theories,
dimming lights takes away labor pain, 12
every name can be made fun of, 10–11
husband will leave wife if her vagina stretches, 13
interesting conversations tend to happen in motorized vehicles or canoes, 151
lazy parenting creates kids who are self starters, 117
Lord of the Flies theory of children, 122
more is better, 232–33
Newton’s Third Law of
Motion, 107–08
procreation clarifies the purpose of arranged marriage, boarding school, birth control, 151
raising twins is easy after six months, 75
scrimping on Band-Aids helps save money for college, 217
why kids love babysitters more than parents, 139–40
therapy, 1–274
transvestites, 60
useless talents,
singing “Amazing Grace” to the tune of the Gilligan’s
Island theme song, 71, 116
sneezing like Donald Duck, 65, 116–17, 271
writing about my kids even though there’s a plethora of parenting books, 1–274
vasectomy, ii, xiv
vomit, 78, 201–205, 231, 243, 260
wine, 84, 114–15, 120, 125, 197–98, 231, 234–37, elf, 134 246, 256–57, 269–70
Xanax, 57, 202
zamboni, 93
zombie,
apocalypse, 243–44
elf, 134
hand, 102
skipping like one, 107
1 Y es, I overdid the “ceiling fan” references. Consider it a motif, whatever that is.
2 Not enough references to him, according to my husband.
3 Too many references to him, according to my husband.