There are many stories in this book. For those based on true-life experiences, names and details have been altered for privacy.
Copyright © 2016 Laura Scott
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.
Published by Texas Barn Owl Press, Laura Scott LLC
Interior Design: Rachel Christenson
Cover Design: Jennifer O’Conner
Image Credits: cover image © iStock.com/subjug
ISBN-13: 978-0-9978722-0-0
ISBN-10: 0-9978722-0-9
eISBN: 978-0-9978722-1-7
Library of Congress Control Number: 2016913061
First Edition
Printed in the United States of America
Dedicated to those going through a separation or divorce
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Foreword
Introduction
CHAPTER 1
So It’s Over—Temporarily or Permanently
How Did I Get Here?
Why Do Marriages End?
One Person
The Leaver
The Left
Denial Isn’t Just a Place in Egypt
Clues
Game Changer
CHAPTER 2
Victim of Love: The Five Stages of Grief
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Why It’s Natural to Grieve
The Why Nots
Blocks to Healing
Emotional Boot Camp
How Grief Works Backward
CHAPTER 3
Your Swimming Pool
Refilling Your Pool
Natural Talent
Cultivating Relationships
Distractions
A New Routine
CHAPTER 4
Everyone Else
Intrigue and Gossip: What to Say and What Not to Say
Picking Sides
Losing Extended Family
Losing Couple Friends
The Pot Stickers: Those Who Stick with You
CHAPTER 5
A Shock to the System
Sleep Issues
Sexual Concerns
Not Eating
Overdoing Exercise
Crying
Falling Apart
Distraction and Loss of Focus
Unreliability
Fear and Uncertainty
Talk Talk Talk
Going to Excess
White-Hot Anger
Cussing
Shopping and Spending
Dreams and Fantasies about Your Ex
Hating Your Stuff
Pain
Wanting to Not Be Here Anymore
Return of Childhood Issues
The Dance of Guilt and Relief
CHAPTER 6
The Aftermath of an Affair
The Exit Affair
You Lied to Me
Angry, Outraged, and Indignant
Your Own Takeaway
Ignorance Is Bliss
Obsession
Crimes of Passion
Elizabeth’s Breakthrough
An Exercise to Stop Obsession
Affair Outcome
CHAPTER 7
The Divorce Process
IT Security/Spying
Divorce Lawyers
Decisions, Decisions
The Big Stuff: Things to Pay Attention to
Divorce Day
To Sum It Up
Who’s Crying Now?
Karma
CHAPTER 8
After the Divorce
Coparenting after Divorce
Developing a New Relationship with Your Ex
The Work-Around
Doing the Best You Can for Where You Are
Society’s Denial of Loss
Everyone Wants You to Move On/The Backward Compliment
Establish Your Own Turf
CHAPTER 9
How Being Single Is Different from Being Married
The Process of Individuation
Taking Off the Ring
Newfound Freedom
Rainy Days and Mondays
Epiphany
New Relationships
Why Time Is Your Friend
The First Set of Holidays
Pet: Free Terapy
Music Terapy
CHAPTER 10
Divorce Stories
CHAPTER 11
Traditional and Nontraditional Sources of Help
Counseling/Terapy
Faith and Church Resources
Divorce Recovery Groups
Not-So-Traditional Help
CHAPTER 12
A Long Road—Forgiveness and Healing
The Terrible Gift
Wrapping Up
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Endnotes
FOREWORD
When Laura shared with me that she was writing a book about her own experience with separation and divorce, I was anxious to read the final product. As a previous clinician and a current professor with a PhD in psychology and specialization in marriage and family, and having been through a divorce myself, I was excited about the new way Laura was approaching this difficult process. Laura looks at divorce from the perspective of someone who has gone through one. She isn’t an attorney or a therapist. She notes that divorce is a game changer, and it alters all aspects of our lives and the lives of those we love. Laura feels that most people tend to have common experiences when going through the process. She mentions those experiences in a straightforward manner, so that the reader might realize they are not alone.
Laura shares her personal experience of processing her separation and divorce. Often, hearing the story of someone who has been through a similar situation can help bring us clarity, encouragement, and a way to process our own thoughts and feelings. This book is not a substitute for seeking professional help from a lawyer, counselor, or parenting coach, but it does look at betrayal, divorce, and healing in a humorous and anecdotal way.
Laura is diligent to point out that we may need to seek professional help, particularly if we are experiencing obsessive or suicidal thoughts. As a professor of psychology and previous clinician, I wanted to emphasize the following note: We should not assume that suicidal thoughts are simply a phase if the thoughts are recurring and we consider harming ourselves or others. This is a time we need to seek medical attention immediately. We cannot let pride, embarrassment, or weakness get in the way of our personal healing, and some people need professional help to navigate this life change.
Divorce is a time of healing, growing, and moving on with our lives. We may experience pain, guilt, shame, fear, and a myriad of emotions that we need to work through. This is a continual process and happens at different paces for different people. Laura does well to provide anecdotes from several individuals about dealing with separation and divorce with the hope that you will understand that you are not alone in this journey.
Donna Busarow
PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Marriage and Family
Certified Guidance Counselor
Professor of Psychology, Liberty University
INTRODUCTION
You are walking along, doing life, and life is going okay, or it’s going great, or maybe it’s just going.
And then, seemingly out of nowhere, you are hit with a surreal experience: your marriage is ending. It’s not the people down the street or that guy you used to work w
Some marriages end, some marriages fail. Some people know that their marriage is on the rocks, some people are blindsided.
Whether you have been married for two years or for twenty-five years, it’s a crazy time. What you expected your future would be is turned inside out, and you experience the loss of hope and security; in a sense, it’s the loss of everything.
This can be a time of trial, a time of relief, or a time of denial.
One person aptly compared going through a divorce to jumping off a cliff into sheer darkness; your future is unknown. Divorce hurts. Divorce really hurts.
THE FLYING BOOK
When I was first separated, I bought a few books that all said on the first page that we soon-to-be-divorced people would get over the divorce totally and be happy and successful. And yes, when the third book said the same thing, I threw that book across the room and even considered burning it. What I was looking for when I first separated was someone who understood my pain and the ambiguity I was going through. It was way too soon to hear it would all be fine.
In this book, I’ve attempted to share all the best advice I received, along with what I gleaned from my own experience, and to recount the experiences of others who were willing to share their stories. I have carved out what I wish I’d known during this crucial time—the time when I suddenly became the Accidental Divorcée.
WHAT THIS BOOK IS
The Accidental Divorcée is intended to help you figure out where you are and to give you some insight, from those who’ve been there, into what to expect during separation and divorce.
Divorce is a process with several moving targets. This book can help you focus on helping yourself so that you can emerge successfully on the other side of this difficult time.
WHAT THIS BOOK IS NOT
This book is not legal advice or custody advice, nor is it intended as coparenting coaching or a guide to parenting your children through divorce. This book does not cover the large topic of children of divorce. It’s for you alone. It isn’t written by a divorce lawyer or a psychologist or a psychiatrist. It’s written by someone who has lived through her partner having an affair. It’s written by someone who went through a divorce with kids involved. It’s meant to be helpful, and relatable, and humorous at times. The goal is to point out some things that could help you get through a similar experience.
STORIES, STORIES: PERSONAL AND OTHER
When the Accidental Divorcée went through her divorce she met many people and heard many stories about “uncoupling” in a marriage. One of the healing aspects of this book are the tales of people grappling with separation and divorce. Many people tend to blame themselves after their divorce. The stories in this book represent many different ages and personalities and situations, all designed to show the reader that divorce can happen to anyone and that it is not necessarily your fault.
Hearing you are not alone is a good thing during this time.
CHAPTER 1
So It’s Over—Temporarily or Permanently
If you have this book, your marriage is probably over, or you and your partner are not going back to the way that you were. One of you has left, or you’ve gone from intimacy to one partner planning to move on. Maybe a big fight ensued, or you came home and all of your partner’s stuff was gone. Maybe you found that the bank account has a different balance than you thought was there, or that you are no longer a signer on the account. Maybe you received a Dear John letter, or you have been served with divorce papers.
HOW DID I GET HERE?
People can get divorced at all ages. You can be old or young and get divorced.
You could have been married for a few years or for many years and get divorced.
You can be rich or poor and get divorced.
You can be from a religious family or an agnostic family and get divorced.
You can be any racial ethnicity and get divorced.
You can be from a solid background or a not-so-secure background and get divorced.
Because it takes just one person to end a marriage, divorce can happen to anyone.
WHY DO MARRIAGES END?
Marriages can end at different stages and for many, many reasons. What follows is a basic list and doesn’t include all problems—your issue may or may not be listed. Some common catalysts for divorce include:
Finances – Some couples cannot get on the same page regarding money; finances cause the marriage to fail. Money represents power, security, and control, as well as defining your future. For many, trouble with how the money is handled during the marriage can be one of the causes of divorce.
Loss of Trust – Some couples have serious breaks in trust during the marriage (the one we elaborate on in this book is an affair). Some pattern of behavior by one or both partners has eroded the marriage. Most marriages cannot survive without a basic sense of trust.
Lack of Respect – One of the partners has lost all respect for the other partner due to behavior or actions taken during the marriage. This is a major relationship killer, and one of the main reasons for a partner to leave the marriage.
Unfulfilled Expectations – At some point one or both partners feel that life isn’t living up to what they expected it to be. Milestones are unmet or do not happen. Goals such as having a family, buying a house, financial success, or career expectations aren’t achieved according to the timeline of one or both partners. Sometimes long-term sexual satisfaction isn’t what one of the partners anticipated in the marriage. This, combined with life expectancy (the idea that as we age we begin to run out of time) causes dissatisfaction. Unmet expectations of one partner become more important than the commitment to the marriage, and it fails.
Lack of Communication/Feeling Misunderstood – We all want to be known on a soul level. If one partner feels misunderstood, doesn’t feel heard, or stops telling the other partner what is happening, it can cause the marriage to end.
Betrayal – There are all sorts of betrayal. One partner has gone behind the other partner’s back and committed some type of betrayal. It can be financial, or not keeping a confidence, or lying, or a sexual indiscretion, but destroying trust can take the marriage down. Because the partner who is betrayed feels threatened, their feelings change about the other partner.
Abuse – Physical or emotional abuse can end the marriage. If someone is physically or emotionally threatened, they will eventually back out of the commitment to save themselves.
Alcoholism/Drug Abuse – Feeding an addiction eventually becomes more important than the addict’s partner, who will likely feel disrespected and betrayed, among other things. One partner’s addiction can cause misunderstandings and financial problems and can end the marriage.
Lack of Affection/Sexual Fulfillment – One of the basic foundations of marriage is your intimate life. If things aren’t working out in the bedroom, it can cause the marriage to fail. For many, a lack of affection from the other partner will cause alienation in the marriage.
Leading Separate Lives – The couple lives together but ceases to spend time being emotionally or sexually intimate, and eventually they stop doing anything together. They develop other interests and relationships outside of the marriage, and as a result become so distant from one another that their marriage breaks up.
ONE PERSON
It takes only one person to end a marriage, whether that person leaves the marriage temporarily or for good. Perhaps this person has been feeling shortchanged for a long time. All sorts of stresses can happen in a marriage— whether related to sex or money or children or emotions or power—but whatever the trigger is, this person hits the proverbial wall (more on this later) and decides to bail. The other partner may be completely blindsided by this turn of events.
THE LEAVER
For most people who leave a marriage, there has been at least one major long-term deal breaker or disappointment. The person who leaves may have gone into the marriage with solid intentions, but over time, they may fee
l as though their expectations of marriage have not been met, that they have been denied love, attention, or whatever else they feel that they needed to make their life meaningful or to be happy in the marriage. Usually the dissatisfaction involves love, sex, money, power, betrayal, or a loss of respect for their partner. They may threaten to leave over a period of time, or they may just up and leave.
The leaver may feel that they have tried hard to work it out, but it’s over. They know it may be a rough ride for their spouse, their children, parents, community, and extended family and friends, but everyone is just going to have to get used to the idea because the leaver is done. The leaver feels justified and will reject any other view but their own. Pleading with the leaver may fall on deaf ears. The leaver has begun to envision a new life for themselves and has figured out that they want to leave the relationship permanently. They have hardened themselves to the decision.
Once someone feels wronged or neglected, it’s easy for them to justify leaving, because in their mind, they were hurt or mistreated first.
Amy was married for twenty-two years to Tom, who was the breadwinner. Tom and Amy had two children. About ten years into the marriage, Amy began to feel like Tom still relied on his parents too much. They lived close to Amy and Tom and hosted family dinners every Sunday. It started out with small comments and looks, but over the years Amy began to feel judged by Tom’s mother. She even felt that his parents knew details of their sex life. Her mother-in-law would say to her: “Look, Amy, if a man wants it, just give it to him.” Amy was irritated that perhaps her in-laws knew too much about her, and felt that they judged her parenting decisions as well as her ability to keep a clean and organized house (Amy was a wonderful housekeeper). Tom seemed to reflect exactly what his parents felt, whether it was based in reality or not. She felt like it was her against his parents and that nobody was ever empathetic to her. Amy had a wonderful sense of humor, but she just felt that all of the fun she liked to have with Tom had left their marriage. Everyone told her what an asset she was to Tom, but she eventually began to feel bad about herself. Their private marriage didn’t match what everyone saw on the outside. One night Amy confronted Tom and told him that in the Bible it says that he should leave his mother and father and support her, but he laughed at her, snapped open a bag of chips, and left the room. She realized Tom had never left his parents— that they were more important to him than her thoughts, feelings, and opinions. It would never change.