And one says, “You look like you’re wearing
a tuxedo.” And the other penguin says, “Who
says I’m not?”
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Is there more?
GK
No.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
That’s the joke?
GK
Yes.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Why is that funny?
GK
It’s funny because people laugh at it.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
I’m not laughing.
GK
You’re an angel.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
My husband loved your show. He was so
torn up after I died, he couldn’t bear to listen
to your show ever again.
GK
You were on your way to see him?
DANGEROUS WOMAN
No, I was going to see Larry.
GK
Oh.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
My lover.
She stands up and walks to the door and turns.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Married woman, shacking up with another
guy, and here I am. Go figure. God has his
own way of looking at things, that’s for sure.
I used to like to sing. I don’t even remember
how it’s done. You open your mouth, right?
I’ve seen that . . .
She opens and closes her mouth. She smiles at him. She opens her mouth and forms an O shape. And then a crying shape. She tries out different shapes: small and pursed, wide, twisted, various grimaces.
GK
Can I go upstairs now?
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Oh, of course. I didn’t come to get you.
GK
They’re probably wondering where I went.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
You’re okay. What did the second penguin
say?
GK
“Who says I’m not?”
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Okay.
He gets up to go.
GK
See you later.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Take your time.
CUT TO:
39A INT. FITZGERALD THEATER—SAME TIME
GK strides to the microphone.
GK
Thank you, Guys’ All Star Shoe Band, and
that brings us up to the hour, time to break
for station identification. Don’t go away—
we’ll be back with more right after this.
The curtain descends as we hear the WLT studio announcer on the P.A.
STUDIO ANNOUNCER
This is WLT, the Friendly Neighbor station,
with studios in St. Paul and Minneapolis.
A recorded commercial follows, faded down, as MOLLY and STAGE MANAGER come out to the podium onstage, followed by GUY NOIR. MOLLY sorts through the welter of papers on the podium, pulls out most of them, takes some new pages from the STAGE MANAGER, inserts those in the stack.
MOLLY
You didn’t see any of the Soderbergs in the
audience—
GK
Nope.
GK is going through papers, reordering them.
STAGE MANAGER
If you do, have them stand up. Talk about
what great bosses they are and how loyal
they are to the show and how much we all
love ’em. Get the audience to give ’em a
big round of applause. Humiliate ’em.
MOLLY
Al—
STAGE MANAGER
Better yet, bring ’em up here and we’ll give
’em that trophy.
MOLLY
Hard to believe that next week we’ve got to
start looking for work—
GUY NOIR
I’ve got plenty of work.
MOLLY
What?
GUY NOIR
Lot of things. You name it.
STAGE MANAGER
GK
I didn’t see her name.
STAGE MANAGER
Well, I promised her mother.
GK
Okay. Just tell me when.
STAGE MANAGER returns to his desk.
GUY NOIR
Could I have a word with you?
He sidles up next to the podium, looks around.
GUY NOIR
We’ve got a situation here that we’re
monitoring and I thought you ought to be
apprised of it.
GK
You mean, the woman in the white coat?
GUY NOIR
You saw her?
GK
Uh-huh.
GUY NOIR
You spoke to her?
GK
No.
GUY NOIR
If you see her in the audience, give me the
high sign.
He demonstrates, hand behind back, waggling fingers.
GUY NOIR
See how that works? Give me the sign and
use a code word. Like indemnity. Better yet,
Granite Falls.
GK
How does that work?
GUY NOIR
“We’d like to do a song for a listener from
Granite Falls.”
He demonstrates hand behind back and finger waggle.
GK
Code, huh. That’s how I got into radio, you
know that?
GUY NOIR
I’m not kidding.
GK
I was a deckhand on an ore boat, the Joseph J.
O’Connell, on Lake Superior. Did I ever tell
you that story?
GUY NOIR
Many times.
GK
It was November. We were taking forty-foot
waves across the bow and they were hitting
the wheelhouse and the navigation
equipment was out and I was on the bridge
and the old man says to me, “Get on the
radio and stay on the radio so the Coast
Guard can give us a location.”
GUY NOIR
So you went on the radio and you sang and
told jokes for two hours and the ship made it
safely to port.
GK
Right. Two hours. So I told you that.
GUY NOIR
Granite Falls.
He demonstrates finger waggle again and exits.
MOLLY
Thirty seconds. What are you going to do for
work?
GK
Me?
MOLLY
Yeah. You.
GK
I want a job where I don’t have to talk at all.
MOLLY
Why?
GK
That’s why.
MOLLY
What do you mean?
GK
Exactly.
MOLLY is watching the STAGE MANAGER in the wings and gives GK the sign.
MOLLY
You’re on.
GK
Welcome back to A Prairie Home Companion
brought to you by New Munich beer.
Remember when parties used to be fun—
back when everyone drank beer? Before
people got so serious about wine? Try New
Munich. It’s cheap and—darn it—it makes
people happy.
GK (SINGS WITH BAND)
Have a glass and tell a joke a
Bout a man who danced the polka
Adieu, adieu, kind friends, adieu.
GK (SINGS WITH BAND) (CONT’D)
But first let’s have another brew.
I can’t wait to take you home, my dear.
Boy O boy, New Munich beer.
The song ends.
GK
Coming up next, the Johnson Girls and the
Old Trailhands, Dusty and Lefty, and right
now, Miss Jearlyn Steele . . .
40 INT. FITZGERALD THEATER—SAME TIME
Onstage, JEARLYN stands listening to the SHOE BAND, a slow blues, and then she picks up her cue and sings.
JEARLYN
The day is short
The night is long
Why do you work so hard
To get what you don’t even want?
We work so hard to get ahead in the game
Give up half our lives until we’ve won.
And one night we sit on the edge of the bed
And we think, “Lord, what have I done?”
The day is short
The night is long
Why do you work so hard
To get what you don’t even want.
She turns to the BAND, and the PIANIST plays a break.
DISSOLVE TO:
41 INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—SAME TIME
The STAGE MANAGER is looking up at the clock, his lips move as he calculates minutes remaining in the broadcast.
STAGE MANAGER
How can that be? We’re running slow?
Where’d we lose six minutes?
The DANGEROUS WOMAN enters and stands behind him, looking out to the stage.
JEARLYN (SINGS O.C.)
The man in the suit kisses his babies good-bye.
“Daddy’s going on a trip, honey, don’t you cry.”
And he’s gone for a week then he’s home for a day.
Pretty soon they don’t cry when Daddy goes away.
The day is short
The night is long
Why do you work so hard
To get what you don’t even want.
CUT TO:
42 INT. FITZGERALD THEATER—SAME TIME
JEARLYN stands all the way downstage, illuminated in a single spot.
JEARLYN (SINGS)
Go to the mall and go from store to store.
Everybody’s killing time until death walks through the door
Then you look around at all your merchandise
And you see you’ve paid much too high a price.
JEARLYN (SINGS) (CONT’D)
The day is short
The night is long
Why do you work so hard
To get what you don’t even want.
CUT TO:
43 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE DRESSING ROOM—MOMENTS LATER
The door with the Do Not Disturb sign slowly opens and DUSTY emerges, pale and shaken. Pulls cigarette out of pack in pocket. Lights it. Takes a deep drag. Looks off to right.
GUY NOIR (O.C.)
Hey!
DUSTY jumps, drops cigarette, bends down to get it, comes up red-faced.
GUY NOIR
No smoking, mister.
DUSTY
Chuck Akers is dead. He’s gone.
GUY NOIR
I don’t follow your reasoning there.
DUSTY
I said Chuck’s dead.
GUY NOIR
Who’s dead?
DUSTY
Chuck.
GUY NOIR
When?
DUSTY
Now.
GUY NOIR
He just died now?
DUSTY
I don’t know when he died. How would I
know that? I wasn’t there.
GUY NOIR
What was the approximate time of death?
DUSTY
See for yourself. He’s in there.
GUY NOIR
In the green room? (HE GLANCES
AROUND) Who else knows about this?
DUSTY
I have no idea.
GUY NOIR
Cause if other people know and they’re not
saying anything, I’d like to know about that.
Excuse me.
GUY NOIR eases the door open and steps in, then steps out.
GUY NOIR
Jeez. He was walking around exchanging
gases with the atmosphere half an hour ago.
DUSTY
Call the cops.
GUY NOIR
When it’s time, I will. Just . . . don’t mention
this to anybody, okay? I’m gonna secure the
area. You got another cigarette?
DUSTY pulls out another cigarette.
GUY NOIR
Thanks. ’Preciate it.
He looks left and right as he clicks his lighter. Holds up the flame. Notices cigarette in his mouth is filter end out. Switches it around. Lights. Smokes.
CUT TO:
44 INT. FITZGERALD THEATER—SAME TIME
GK onstage, as musicians change behind him. ROBIN and LINDA WILLIAMS come into position, wearing cowboy outfits, with guitars.
GK
Let’s see who we have here in our audience
today . . . the Barthelmes are here from
Minneapolis, and the Wyle family, Sue and
Bucky. And they’ve requested “Yonny
Yonson’s Wedding” so let’s bring up Robin
and Linda to help me out and we’ll send this
out to all the Norwegian bachelor farmers
out there.
The BAND launches into the intro.
GK (SINGS)
Oh we had a lovely party at the Norway lodge last night
Every last Norwegian was there with an appetite
Their hair was brushed, their teeth was combed, they smelled of
fungicide
At Johnny and Christina Johnson’s wedding.
We had a quart of whiskey and a couple kegs of beer.
And everyone drank faster as we watched it disappear.
Then Svendson got out the aquavit and everybody cheered
At Johnny and Christina Johnson’s wedding.
GK (SINGS WITH ROBIN & LINDA)
There was Clarence Nilsson and Hjalmar Nilsson and Gladys Nilsson and Lois Nilsson
And Ray Nilsson and Evelyn Nilsson and Nils Nilsson he was there too.
CUT TO:
45 INT. JOHNSON GIRLS’ DRESSING ROOM—SAME TIME
LOLA and RHONDA stand in front of the mirror. YOLANDA sits at the makeup table, looking in the mirror.
RHONDA
Just do what I do, baby.
She sings and swings into a simple Supremes step routine.
RHONDA (SINGS)
Oh baby . . . yes yes
Baby baby . . . do it like this.
LOLA
What’s this?
RHONDA
Don’t talk. Dance.
(SINGS)
Baby baby please come in
I’ve been waiting to begin
Kiss me sweet and kiss me slow
And don’t stop til I say so.
Baby baby . . . yes yes
Oh baby . . . just like this
Baby baby . . . you know how
Oh baby . . . don’t stop now.
They turn slowly, keeping time, snapping their fingers, singing oooos in R&B backbeat.
RHONDA
Your mama wrote this song.
LOLA (TO YOLANDA)
You didn’t.
YOLANDA smiles.
LOLA
Wow.
RHONDA
We recorded this and it was just about to
come out and the Doo-Dads stole it from us.
Put it out and it went to number one and we
got a lawyer and he took us for everything
we had.
LOLA
Oh my God.
RHONDA (SINGS)
Oooo baby . . . you’re my man
You do what no other can
I’m a girl who’s hard to please
You bring me to my knees
(Oooooo)
They strike a pose and then fall apart, laughing.
LOLA
Hey, we’ve got an act.
RHONDA
For nightclubs. Vegas. No sense wasting it on
radio.
YOLANDA is smiling.
LOLA
Let’s sing it on the show, Mama. The
Johnsons!
YOLANDA
I just love looking at you, you know that?
Such a miracle.