supper was at five. So she took the radio to
the dining room. It wasn’t plugged in but by
then she wasn’t either, so . . . she was happy
just looking at the dial and moving the knobs.
GUY NOIR
I listened to it back in my gumshoe days.
Saturday night, I’d be tailing some two-timing
husband who was floozing around with his
paramour down at the Romeo Motel, I’d sit in
the parking lot listening to the symphony of
the bedsprings, and I’d tune in A Prairie Home
Companion to take my mind off it.
GUY NOIR grimaces and turns away.
GUY NOIR
Hey, I need your help.
GUY NOIR pulls a sheet of paper from his inside jacket pocket and puts it against the wall and writes on it.
CLOSEUP of note, as he writes: “ANGEL—MAN IN THE BOOTH. MAKE HIM GO AWAY.”
GUY NOIR
Take this to that beautiful woman in the
white raincoat. Backstage.
MOLLY
The one with the Mount Rushmore T-shirt?
GUY NOIR
You got it.
MOLLY
Anything else?
GUY NOIR
You know how to jigger the master clock?
MOLLY
Al would kill me.
GUY NOIR
I just need a few minutes.
MOLLY
The clock is sacred. It’s like the law and the
prophets.
GUY NOIR
I just need you to add about five minutes.
MOLLY
Guy—
GUY NOIR
Five minutes.
59 INT. ONSTAGE—MOMENTS LATER
DUSTY, LEFTY, and GK at the microphones. Musicians scurrying into place behind them. The DUCT TAPE fly lowers as the GUY’S SHOES fly rises.
GK
It’s Saturday night on A Prairie Home
Companion—lots more to come—and right
now, they’ve just come in off the range with a
brand-new song, it’s the old Trailhands,
Dusty and Lefty!
Audience applause, as the musicians kick in.
DUSTY
Here’s a brand-new number. Want to send
this out to our good friends listening out
around Maple Plain and Renville and the
folks in Glenwood, and all of your good
people out there.
LEFTY (SINGS)
The blind man’s seeing-eye dog pissed on the blind man’s shoe,
The blind man said, “Here, Rover, here’s a piece of beef for you.”
His wife said, “Don’t reward him, you can’t just let that pass.”
The blind man said, “I’ve got to find his mouth so I can kick him in
the ass.”
The BAND plays a chorus.
CUT TO:
60 INT. BACKSTAGE—SAME TIME
The STAGE MANAGER stands at his desk and stares at DUSTY and LEFTY onstage.
STAGE MANAGER
Doesn’t make much difference at this point.
Piss, ass—what the hell? Damn show is on
the way out anyway.
DUSTY (SINGS)
When God created woman
He gave her not two breasts but three
But the middle one got in the way
So God performed surgery.
Woman stood before God
With the middle breast in her hand
She said, “What can we do with the useless boob?”
And God created man.
The BAND plays a chorus.
STAGE MANAGER
Boobs—why not? Tits, ass—more the merrier.
Bring it on.
RHONDA
What about boobs?
RHONDA has strolled in to watch the end of the show.
STAGE MANAGER
They’re singing a song about boobs and poop
and who knows what? Hey. Why not?
He picks up the papers on his desk and tosses them up high in the air.
STAGE MANAGER
Let’s have a drink. Let’s get shit-faced.
RHONDA
You do it and I’ll watch.
61 INT. ONSTAGE—CONTINUOUS
DUSTY and LEFTY are hamming it up like a couple of song-and-dance men, and the audience is whooping and laughing.
LEFTY (SINGS)
I turned sixty the other day
And everybody was there
I was all dressed up in a brand-new suit
Sitting in my big armchair
When a beautiful young naked woman
Stood up in front of the group.
She offered me some super sex
And I said, “I’ll take the soup.”
Big cymbal crash and whoops and the BAND plays a chorus.
CUT TO:
62 INT. BACKSTAGE—SAME TIME
STAGE MANAGER and RHONDA in the wings.
STAGE MANAGER
Guess we can all shake our tits now, huh?
STAGE MANAGER puts his arms around RHONDA.
STAGE MANAGER
It’s over, kid. They’re pulling the plug. The
show’s gone.
YOLANDA (O.C.)
Al . . . Chuck’s dead. He died in his dressing
room.
STAGE MANAGER stands stock-still, in disbelief.
RHONDA
He went down to his dressing room to take a
nap and he just never woke up. Sorry, Al.
STAGE MANAGER takes a deep breath and turns back to his post.
STAGE MANAGER
I was supposed to go down and get him and
I forgot all about him.
CUT TO:
63 INT. ONSTAGE—MOMENTS LATER
DUSTY (SINGS)
Ole went to the neighborhood dance
And he won the big door prize
It was a toilet brush and he took it home
And the next week one of the guys
Said, “Ole, how’s that toilet brush?
Ole said, “Thank you, neighbor.
The toilet brush, it works pretty good.
But I prefer toilet paper.”
CUT TO:
64 INT. SOUND BOOTH—CONTINUOUS
The AXEMAN sits in a chair looking at the stage.
DUSTY (V.O.)
The farmer had a champion bull
He bred two hundred times a year.
The farmer’s wife said, “Two hundred times!
Isn’t that wonderful, dear?
DUSTY (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Maybe you ought to watch him,
Maybe he’d show you how.”
The farmer said, “He’s a heck of a bull
But it wasn’t all with the same cow.”
DUSTY & LEFTY (V.O.)
Bad jokes! Lord, how I love ’em.
Bad jokes! Can’t get enough of ’em.
Ooo ooo ooo wee
Bad jokes for me!!
The song ends, to applause. GK comes out onstage.
GK
Dusty and Lefty, the old Trailhands, brought
to you by Jack’s Auto Repair. Right back after
this message.
He steps away from the microphone and we hear a recorded commercial in the background.
CUT TO:
65 INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—SAME TIME
STAGE MANAGER stands in the wings, RHONDA is hugging him. GK is there with YOLANDA, LOLA, and DONNA.
STAGE MANAGER
This is the first time anybody died at the
show. First time.
RHONDA
We’re all getting older, Al.
LOLA
The show’s not over, is it?
YOLANDA
He’s dead?
STAGE MANAGER
We’ve got a dead man backstage.
RHONDA
Be glad we don’t have one onstage.
YOLANDA
When did this happen?
DONNA
I found him about an hour ago. I walked
away, I dunno, I guess I thought that when I
came back maybe he’d be okay again—
GK
Was he dead when you found him?
She nods.
GK
Where’s Evelyn?
STAGE MANAGER
One of the stagehands took her home. She
was all broken up over it. We didn’t want
Chuck’s wife to run into her.
RHONDA
He was down there waiting for Evelyn when
he passed away.
YOLANDA (BRIGHTENING)
So—
RHONDA
He died with a heart full of hope.
YOLANDA
Not the worst way to go. Sitting in the dark
in your underwear, waiting for your lover to
come rap-tap-tapping on the door.
LOLA
He was in his underwear?
STAGE MANAGER
According to Donna—
DONNA
I don’t think we have to tell everything we
know—
RHONDA
He was wearing boxer shorts with
raspberries on ’em and he had a bottle of
massage oil and a bayberry candle burning
and he was playing an LP record of the Mills
Brothers’ greatest hits.
GK
He was all set. He was loaded for Evelyn.
LOLA
He was fooling around with the lunch lady?
Mrs. Macaroni and Cheese?
STAGE MANAGER (TO GK)
You’ve got a couple minutes if you want to
say something about Chuck.
GK
Say what?
YOLANDA
Well, he was on the show for all those years—
GK
I don’t do eulogies.
RHONDA
Why not?
GK
I don’t do them.
RHONDA
Some reason for this or you just don’t care for
people?
GK
I’m getting to an age where if I did eulogies,
I’d be doing nothing but—
YOLANDA
How about a moment of silence?
GK
Silence on the radio? How does that work?
RHONDA
We could sing “Nearer My God to Thee.”
Though in Chuck’s case, I’m not sure that’s
the literal truth.
GK
I don’t think so.
LOLA
If my mom died, you wouldn’t . . . say
anything? You’d just ignore it? Like she never
existed? How can you do that?
GK
We don’t look back, kid. That’s the beauty of
radio: it vanishes the moment you do it.
There is no past; we never get old, never die.
We just . . . keep on going.
LOLA
What if you died—
GK
I will.
LOLA
You don’t want people to remember you?
GK
I don’t want somebody telling them to
remember me.
LOLA is in tears.
LOLA
He died down there. We don’t even pay
attention—
GK
The way to pay attention, kid, is to do your
job.
Audience applause as music ends and GK goes out.
CUT TO:
66 INT. ONSTAGE—MOMENTS LATER
Musicians changing positions between numbers. STAGEHAND moves microphones.
GK
I hope you all had a good time here at the
show—I know we did—and I want to thank
Mr. Chuck Akers for being here and Jearlyn
Steele—
STAGE MANAGER (O.C.)
Great God in heaven—holy shit—
CUT TO:
67 INT. BACKSTAGE—SAME TIME
STAGE MANAGER looks up from his desk, toward the stage.
STAGE MANAGER
What’s he doing saying good night? We’ve
got eight minutes left!!! Lola!!!
LOLA, heading toward the stairs to the dressing room, turns.
STAGE MANAGER (O.C.)
You want to sing a song? Get out there.
LOLA is stunned.
LOLA
Now?
STAGE MANAGER (O.C.)
Now or never.
LOLA grins. She turns and takes off running. She gallops down the stairs.
CUT TO:
68 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE DRESSING ROOM
LOLA dashes down the hall, skids past the door to the
dressing room, comes back, opens the door, disappears inside.
CUT TO:
69 INT. DRESSING ROOM—SAME TIME
LOLA bursts into the room.
LOLA
I’m on!
YOLANDA at the dressing table with a stack of CDs, counting one-dollar bills into a stack, as LOLA rushes to the table and rummages frantically through a mélange of papers, clothing, effluvia, in search of a paper.
YOLANDA
Forty-two, forty-three, forty-four, forty-five . . .
Fifty. You’re on what?
LOLA
Onstage. Now. Where’s my lyrics?
YOLANDA
What lyrics?
LOLA snatches up a sheet of paper.
LOLA
Got it.
LOLA whirls away, then comes back. She puts her hand on YOLANDA’s back. YOLANDA turns. LOLA kisses her lightly on the lips, a delicate mother-daughter kiss.
LOLA
Thank you, Mama.
LOLA dashes for the door. We hear it slam.
CUT TO:
70 INT. BACKSTAGE—MOMENTS LATER
LOLA comes galloping up the stairs, whirls around the corner of backstage, through a few musicians who are headed downstairs, and skids to a stop and glances at the sheet of paper in her hand.
STAGE MANAGER (O.C.)
You’re on, kid.
She looks at the paper in disbelief.
LOLA
Addresses!
(TO STAGE MANAGER)
It’s a list of addresses.
She throws the paper away, squares her shoulders, and walks forward.
CUT TO:
71 INT. FITZGERALD STAGE—SAME TIME
GK
And we’ll be hoping to see you back here at
the Fitzgerald next week at this same time—
MOLLY sidles up next to him, her back to the audience.
MOLLY
Six minutes. Lola’s going to sing a song. Your
barn door is open.
GK
And in the meantime, we’d like to bring on a
young lady to make her debut on the show.
LOLA upstage from the center stage microphone smiles at the audience and turns to the SHOE BAND.
GK (O.C.)
You know her mother and her aunt, Yolanda
and Rhonda Johnson—the Johnson Girls, so
she comes from good stock, and now won’t
you welcome the very lovely and talented
Miss Lola Johnson.
LOLA (TO BANDLEADER, AS GK TALKS)
You know “Frankie and Johnny were
sweethearts, O Lordy how they could love”?
BANDLEADER (RICH DWORSKY)
What key?
LOLA
No idea.
BANDLEADER
D?
LOLA (TURNING BACK TO AUDIENCE)
Whatever.
The BAND strikes up.
LOLA (SINGS)
&nbs
p; Frankie and Johnny were sweethearts,
But he was doing her wrong.
He was doing her wrong in a bad way,
But she was good and strong.