Ladies, good news: I can be bought lock, stock, and barrel. Again, not if but when Rihanna pleads to be in the next installment, I think a G6 to the Bahamas for some gal time and R&R should do the trick. By R&R, I mean “Rihanna Rewards.”
You’ll notice this wasn’t an apology. I don’t do that. Suck it up, people. That’s why you love me, remember?
Love and best wishes,
Kathy Griffin
ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS BOOK THE PUBLISHER THOUGHT WERE INAPPROPRIATE
Kathy Griffin’s Celebrity Fuckfest
Official Book Club Erection
Kathy Griffin’s Pulitzer Prize–Winning Book
What Are You Lookin’ At?
I Know You Are, But What Am I?
The Bible
Killing Bill O’Reilly
The Girl Pulling the Train
A Queef History of Time
The Fart of the Deal
Poop: Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Made Easy
All these suggestions were far too cerebral for the editors at Flatiron Books, their parent company, Macmillan, and all that they represent.
Acknowledgments
First and foremost, I would like to thank the good lord Jesus Christ almighty. From what I hear, she is all powerful, and I felt her presence throughout this journey. You too, Allah, Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Buddha, Vishnu, Xenu, David, and probably Deepak Chopra.
Okay, now that I’ve secured a spot for myself in heaven I can move on to the real acknowledgments.
It’s time to thank the people I lovingly call the counsel. I make no major decisions regarding my career and life without consulting one, some, or all of them. They are (in no particular order): my beloved longtime attorney Bill Sobel, my tireless stand-up agent and friend Steve Levine, my William Morris team: Nancy Josephson, Justin Ongert, Richard Weitz, Ari Emmanuel, Ivo Fischer, and Mel Berger, my business manager and gurrl/confidant Barbara Karrol, my juggernaut publicist Cindi Berger, who gets me every time she yells the following statement at me: “YOU ARE A STALLION AND I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY LETS YOU RUN LIKE THE CHAMPION YOU ARE,” and, of course, Suze Orman, who to this day lets me know if I am approved or denied for any major financial decision.
My friend and collaborator Robert Abele helped me tremendously with this book.
For Randy, the Jay-Z to my Beyoncé. And if you’ve seen him in person, the resemblance is uncanny. Thank you for asking me out five years ago at “Burgers and Beer Night” at the LA Times: The Taste food festival.
To my beloved assistant, John Oliveira, who by the way gave his notice two days before I wrote this, so he is going under the bus right now. Yes, John has been a Team Griffin member for five years but nooooooooooo, apparently working for me isn’t gay or fabulous enough so like every gay man that I have loved he is choosing to abandon me even though I am the recipient of HRC’s Ally for Equality, GLAAD’s Vanguard award, The Trevor Project’s Life Award, a commemorative sword from the GAYVN Gay Porn Awards, and a White Party ICON Award. By the way, those last two aren’t easy to get; ask Kim Zolciak.
I would like to thank my two Emmys and my Grammy: Emmy, Emily, and Sammi. Yes, they have names.
My therapy dogs, Larry and Pom Pom. They are therapy dogs because they are too old to do anything but lie at my feet and love me.
A special thanks to my editor, Amy Einhorn, and the rest of my Flatiron Books publishing team. While Amy gave me nothing but helpful and specific guidance, I cannot resist this opportunity to revive an e-mail I got from Amy’s team before I started writing the book that makes me laugh to this day. In the initial stages when we were trying to agree upon who would make the cut as the lucky, lucky celebrities that would be featured in this book, I received suggestions from helpers deep in the bowels of the literary world for which celebrities I should include. They included: Spencer Tracy (I was six when he died), Judy Garland (died when I was eight), Pretty Little Liars girls, the Pope, Dwayne Reed, Eva Mendex, and Lindsay Logan. This gives me life.
I must thank every celebrity that I’ve had a run-in with, whether they are in this book or the next one.
If you’re reading this because you purchased this book, I want to thank you most of all.
And finally, to the woman who taught me the art of the run-in from a very early age. In fact, I ran out of her womb and will run to get her a box of wine whenever she wants it—my mom and best friend, Maggie Griffin. Although she did remind me this week that, for reasons only known to her, she would prefer to be known as Deidre.
Index
The index that appeared in the print version of this title does not match the pages in your eBook. Please use the search function on your eReading device to search for terms of interest. For your reference, the terms that appear in the print index are listed below.
Abdul, Paula
Abrams, Gerald W.
Abrams, J. J.
Abzug, Bella
Accused, The
Adams, Cindy
Adele
Agassi, Andre
Aguilera, Christina
Aid for AIDS
Aiken, Clay
Ailes, Roger
Alec Baldwin Preemptive Strike (see also A-List Celebrity Preemptive Strike, p. 12)
Allen, Woody
Alley, Kirstie
Ally McBeal
Alzheimer’s Condo
American Idol
American Latino Media Arts Awards
amfAR
Anchorman
Anderson, Pamela
Andrew, Prince
Apprentice, The
Arquette, Rosanna
Azalea, Iggy
Bacall, Lauren
BAFTA Awards
Baldwin, Alec
Banderas, Antonio
Barr, Roseanne
Barrymore, Drew
Bass, Lance
Bates, Kathy
Beast Mode (Marshawn Lynch)
Beatty, Warren
Beckford, Tyson
Bedingfield, Natasha
Beethoven
Beethoven (dog)
Bening, Annette
Bennett, Jonathan
Bick, Randy (boyfriend)
Biden, Joe
Bieber, Justin
Biel, Jessica
Billboard Awards
Black, Michael Ian
Blue Jasmine
Bolton, Michael
Bono, Sonny
Bosh, Chris
Botti, Chris
Brando, Marlon
Brando, Miko
Brantley, Ben
Breaking Bad
Bridget Jones’s Diary
Brolin, James
Brown, Julie
Brown, Scott
Bruckheimer, Jerry
Bynes, Amanda
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall
Cantone, Mario
Carmack, Chris
Carnegie Hall
Carolla, Adam
Carrot Top
Carson, Johnny
Carter, Graydon
Carter, Jimmy
Cathouse
Cavett, Dick
Celebrity Apprentice, The
Celebrity Poker Showdown
Champion, Sam
Chappelle, Dave
Charles, Prince of Wales
Chastain, Jessica
Chenoweth, Kristin
Cher
Cho, Margaret
Chung, Connie
CK, Louis
Clay, Andrew Dice
Clinton, Bill
Clinton, Hillary
Clooney, George
CNN Heroes
CNN New Year’s Eve Live
Colfer, Chris
Colin’s Sleazy Friends
Collins, Jackie
Combs, Sean (P. Diddy)
Comedy Arts Festival
Connery, Sean
Conrad, Lauren
Cook, Tim
Coolidge, Jennifer
Cooper, Alice
Coop
er, Anderson
Cop Land
Cosby, Bill
Costas, Bob
Couric, Katie
Coward, Noël
Cowell, Simon
Cranston, Bryan
Crawford, Cindy
Creed
Cruise, Tom
Crystal, Billy
Culkin, Macauley
Cyrus, Miley
Dallas Buyers Club
D’Angelo
Davis, Angela
Davis, Clive
DeBarge, El
DeGeneres, Ellen
de la Renta, Oscar
Delevingne, Cara
Del Rey, Lana
De Niro, Robert
Dewan, Jenna
Diagnosis: Murder
Diaz, Cameron
DiCaprio, Leonardo
Dickinson, Angie
Dick Tracy
Dick Van Dyke Show, The
Diddy, P.
Dion, Celine
Directors Guild of America Awards
Divas Live
Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan
Doocy, Steve
Douglas, Michael
Drake
Dr. Dre
Duhamel, Josh
Dunaway, Faye
Dunham, Lena
Dye, Nancy
Dynasty
E!
Eagles
Efron, Zac
Electra, Carmen
Elliott, Sam
Emanuel, Rahm
Eminem
Emmy Awards
Equality Now
Estefan, Emilio
Estefan, Emily
Estefan, Gloria
Extras
“Family Celebration, A”
Farrow, Mia, Dylan, and Ronan
Fashion Police
Fergie
Ferguson, Sarah
Ferrell, Will
Fighter, The
5 Seconds of Summer
Flavin, Jennifer
Fleetwood Mac
Flockhart, Calista
Fonda, Jane
Foo Fighters
Ford, Gerald
Foster, David
Foster, Jodie
Fox
Fox & Friends
Fox News
Foxx, Jamie
Freeman, Morgan
Friedkin, William
Gaffigan, Jim
Gaga, Lady
García, Andy
Garofalo, Janeane
Gates, Melinda
Geisha House
Gerardo
Gerber, Rande
Gervais, Ricky
Gifford, Frank
Gifford, Kathie Lee
Glee
Godfather, The: Part III
Goldberg, Whoopi
Golden Raspberry Awards
Gomez, Selena
Good Morning America
Gordon, Jeff
Gosling, Ryan
Graham Norton Show, The
Grammy Awards
Grande, Ariana
Grandma
Grant, Hugh
Green, Brian Austin
Green Day
Grey, Brad
Griffin, Gary (brother)
Griffin, John (father)
Griffin, Maggie (mother)
Griffith, Melanie
Groban, Josh
Grohl, Dave
Groundlings
Grunberg, Greg
Hagar, Sammy
Haim
Hall, Arsenio
Hall Pass
Hamilton
Hamm, Jon
Hanks, Tom
Hannah Montana
Harold & Kumar
Harris, Neil Patrick
Harry, Prince
Hart, Carey
Hasselbeck, Elisabeth
Hastert, Dennis
Hateful Eight, The
Hawn, Goldie
Hawn Foundation
Hayek, Salma
HBO
Hellmuth, Phil
Hello Ladies
Hemsworth, Liam
Herrera, Carolina
Hilton, Paris
Hof, Dennis
Hollywood Bowl
Hollywood Reporter
Hollywood Squares, The
Houston, Thelma
Howard Stern Show, The
HSN (Home Shopping Network)
Hudson, Jennifer
Hughes, Howard
Huston, Anjelica
Ice, Vanilla
Ice-T
I Heart Huckabees
iHeartRadio
Intern
International Silks & Woolens
Irons, Jeremy
It’s Garry Shandling’s Show
Jackson, Michael
Jackson, Randy
Jackson, Samuel L.
James, LeBron
Jarrett, Valerie
Jenner, Caitlyn
Jenner, Kendall
Jenner, Kris
Jenner, Kylie
Jeremy, Ron
Jessie J
Jezebel.com
Jillette, Penn
Jingle Ball
Jobs, Steve
Jonas, Joe
Jonas, Nick
Jonas Brothers
Jones, January
Jones, Quincy
Joseph Anton (Rushdie)
Joy
Judge Judy
Kaczmarek, Jane
Kardashian, Khloé
Kardashians
Kathy Griffin Wants a Tony
Kathy’s So-Called Reality
Katzenberg, Jeffrey
Keaton, Michael
Keener, Catherine
Keeping Up with the Kardashians
Keitel, Harvey
Kelley, David E.
Kendrick, Anna
Kennedy, Ted
Khomeini, Ayatollah Ruhollah
Kid Rock
KIIS-FM
Kilmeade, Brian
Kimmel, Jimmy
King, Larry
Kleiser, Randal
Kline, Kevin
Knight, Suge
Kopelson, Anne
Kopelson, Arnold
Kraft, Robert
Kubrick, Stanley
Kunis, Mila
Kutcher, Ashton
LaChapelle, David
Ladd, Diane
Lady Gaga
Lakshmi, Padma
Landis, John
Lansbury, Angela
Lansing, Sherry
Larry (dog)
Larry Sanders Show, The
Last Vegas
Late Show with David Letterman
Latifah, Queen
Lauer, Matt
Law & Order: SVU
Lawrence, Jennifer
Legend, John
Leno, Jay
Leo, Melissa
Leto, Jared
Letterman, David
Lewis, Ryan
Lifetime
Lincoln Journal Star
Live! with Regis & Kathie Lee
Livingston, Ron
LL Cool J
Lohan, Dina
Longoria, Eva
Loop Group
Lopez, George
Lorde
Los Angeles Press Club
Louis-Dreyfus, Julia
Lovatics
Lovato, Demi
Love, Courtney
Love In For Kids
Loveline
Love Wrecked
Lovitz, Jon
Lynch, Jane
Lynde, Paul
Macklemore
Mad Men
Madonna
Magic Mike XXL
Mahogany
Malcolm in the Middle
Malik, Zayn
Malone, Colin
Mangano, Joy
Manheim, Camryn
Manilow, Barry
Maples, Marla
Mars, Bruno
Martin, Dean
Mathis, Johnny
Maury Povich Show, The
Mayer, John
McCartney, Paul
McCartney, Stella
Medusa: Dare to Be Truthful
Meet the Press
Mendes, Eva
Mengers, Sue
Merchant, Stephen
MGM Grand
Miami Heat
Michaels, Lorne
Michele, Lea
Midler, Bette
Millan, Cesar
Million Dollar Baby
Min, Janice
Minnelli, Liza
Miranda, Lin-Manuel
Mirren, Helen
Mommie Dearest
Moore, Demi
Moore, Mandy
Morgan, Tracy
Mr. T
Mr. Warmth
MTV
Mueller, Brooke
Mullally, Megan
Muppets, The
Murdoch, Rupert
Murphy, Eddie
Myers, Mike
My Life on the D-List
Nashville
Nealon, Kevin
New Celebrity Apprentice, The
New Year’s Eve Live
New York Post
New York Times
Nicholson, Jack
Nicks, Stevie
Night Stalker, the
90210
*NSYNC
Obama, Barack
O’Brien, Conan
Ocean’s Eleven
Odom, Lamar
O’Donnell, Rosie
Office, The
Official Book Club Selection
One Direction
O’Reilly, Bill
Orman, Suze
Osbourne, Kelly
Osbourne, Ozzy
Osbourne, Sharon
Oteri, Cheri
Painted Turtle
Paltrow, Gwyneth
Paramount Pictures
Paterson, Vince
Paul, Aaron
P. Diddy
Peanut Butter (dog)
Pelosi, Nancy
Pelosi, Paul
Penn, Kal
Penn, Sean
People’s Choice Awards
Perry, Linda
Pfeiffer, Michelle
Phoenix Entertainment Group
Piers Morgan Live
Pink
Pinsky, Drew
Pitbull
Pitch Perfect
Plaza, Aubrey
Plenty
Poitier, Joanna
Poitier, Sidney
Pom Pom (dog)
Posen, Zac
Posey, Parker
Povich, Maury
Powter, Susan
Preston, Kelly
Previn, Soon-Yi
Prince
Pytka, Joe
Queen Latifah
Quest, Richard
Quinto, Zachary
Quivers, Robin
Rachtman, Riki
Radio & Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner
Ramirez, Richard (the Night Stalker)
Randy (boyfriend)
Ray, Rachael
Ray Donovan
Razzies
Redford, Robert
Reed, Lou
Reilly, John C.
Reinhold, Judge
Richards, Denise
Rickles, Don