RENE
Who are you?
KIERKEGAARD stands.
KIERKEGAARD
My name is...let me think of one...Ah! Let's go with Kierkegaard...for no particular reason.
RENE
Kierk--?
KIERKEGAARD
Kierkegaard.
RENE
Kierkeg--?
KIERKEGAARD
Kierkegaard. Dear me, I hope you're not this slow all the time.
RENE
I have no idea if I am or if I'm not.
KIERKEGAARD
No, I suppose you don't. Moving along. You have had a question presented to you, yes? One of a more philosophical nature?
RENE
I don't know how to answer it.
KIERKEGAARD
Yes, I understood that when your only rebuttal was to ask the exact same question that was asked of you. I am here to help you answer it, though I am no miracle worker.
RENE
Yes. Yes, please help me!
RENE runs to KIERKEGAARD, falls on HER knees, and pulls on HIS robe.
RENE
I'm so, so confused. I feel like my head's about to explode! All these things keep saying contradictory things, and I don't know--
KIERKEGAARD
Please! Keep some of your dignity intact.
RENE
Okay. I'm sorry for acting so unusual.
KIERKEGAARD
That's better. Stand up. Act like the lady you should be.
RENE stands.
KIERKEGAARD
Now, on to...do you have a yellow stain on your nightgown?
RENE
What? (looks) I...I do.
RENE takes out a lemon from HER pocket.
RENE
A lemon?
The LEMONADE SALESMAN enters and apologetically takes the lemon from RENE.
LEMONADE SALESMAN
Sorry. I told you not to squeezed it. You'll have a mess to clean up later. (half-beat) Bye.
The LEMONADE SALESMAN exits.
KIERKEGAARD
A friend of yours?
RENE
Not really--
KIERKEGAARD
It doesn't matter. Sit here.
KIERKEGAARD motions to HIS chair. RENE sits in it, and KIERKEGAARD maneuvers the chair around on its wheels to have RENE facing the audience from center stage.
KIERKEGAARD
There we are. (to offstage) Servant!
A black figure enters and bows to KIERKEGAARD.
KIERKEGAARD
Change music. We're in the need of something more...grave.
The black figure bows to KIERKEGAARD and exits.
SFX: A record player needle ripping across a record.
The music stops, but is quickly replaced with something like Ludwig Beethoven's "Piano Sonata No. 14 in C sharp. minor".
KIERKEGAARD
Ah, excellent! This will put us in the mood. So, let's start with what you know, hmm?
RENE
Okay.
KIERKEGAARD
So what do you know?
Beat.
RENE
I don't know what I know.
KIERKEGAARD
Well, at least you know that much. Most people can't even admit to that. Tell me, why have you come to me?
RENE
What?
KIERKEGAARD
You obviously weren't enchanted by the mad scientist, lady witch doctor, or the excitable zealot. Why not choose one of them? Didn't they provide you with some answers?
RENE
Not the right ones.
KIERKEGAARD
(to offstage) Excuse me.
RENE
I said--
KIERKEGAARD
No, not you, my dear. (to offstage) Servant!
A black figure enters the stage and bows to KIERKEGAARD.
KIERKEGAARD
Bring in my three art pieces for the lovely...(to RENE) What's your name again, dear? Yes, this time I'm speaking to you.
RENE
Rene D'Cart.
Beat.
KIERKEGAARD
Really?
RENE
Yes--
KIERKEGAARD
Hmmmmmm. No matter. (to black figure) Go ahead and get them.
The black figure bows and goes to leave, but trips. It stands back up, bows again, and exits..
KIERKEGAARD
I blame you for their wretched performance.
RENE
KIERKEGAARD
Don't ask any more ridiculous questions when you haven't even answered your first one.
Three black figures enter, each holding the exact same Rorschach inkblot paintings in their arms. Their image shouldn't be anything readily recognizable. RENE stands to see them, and KIERKEGAARD pushes the chair offstage.
RENE
What are these?
KIERKEGAARD
Again with the questions? Will you ever stop? Now, look at these three paintings and tell me what you see. (half-beat) Go on. Don't be shy.
Beat.
RENE
They're all the same.
KIERKEGAARD
Are you sure of that?
RENE
I...I think so.
KIERKEGAARD
Suppose if I were to say that they all are very different. Suppose if I were to say that each one has a million specks of ink in different places than the others. Are you still so sure that they are all the same? Hmm?
RENE
Not really. No.
KIERKEGAARD
Suppose if I were to say that the materials used for each one varied from the others? Suppose if I were to say that their different locations in this universe was enough to make them infinitely special and unique in some way? Suppose....suppose if I were to go on and on with this example far too long to make my point. What would you say then?
RENE
I don't know.
KIERKEGAARD
Well then I'm saying it. I'm saying all those things now. What do you say to that?
RENE looks at each one very carefully with KIERKEGAARD observing HER every move.
RENE
They're all the same.
KIERKEGAARD
Why?
RENE takes a long look at the paintings once again.
RENE
Because...they are.
KIERKEGAARD
Precisely! You've done it! You've figured it out! Finally, I found someone who's not a complete dolt!
KIERKEGAARD kisses RENE once on each cheek and then dances in place. The black figures mimic the dance. KIERKEGAARD and the black figures stop dancing at the same time.
RENE
What did I do?
KIERKEGAARD
You...don't....You don't know?! You mean to tell me that you have absolutely no idea of what you just said? Of the meaning behind the words you just spoke to me now? They mean nothing to you?!
RENE
Well...Yeah.
KIERKEGAARD
Poppycock! Must nothing be obvious anymore?! (to audience) You understand, don't you? (half-beat) No?! Not a single one?!
RENE
I'm sorry. I'm sure they're sorry, too.
(half-beat)
KIERKEGAARD
It's my own fault. I broke the mode in this little formula of yours. How dare I try to impart wisdom directly. Well, I've learned my lesson. And now...so shall you.
RENE
Please, you have to help me.
KIERKEGAARD
(to offstage) A little help here, please?
COGITO enters unseen by RENE.
RENE
Please, please! Explain it to me again. I swear I'll get it this time! I--
COGITO touches RENE's shoulder, a spotlight shines down upon THEM, and THEY are frozen still. The music stops and is replaced with the Noh Theatre music.
Beat.
KIERKEGAARD
(to audience, exiting) I swear. Nothing in life is easy. Well, what's worthwhile anyhow. On to the ending! And change that music to something more digestible. NOW!
SFX: A record player needle ripping across a record.
The original music is replaced by George Bizet's "Carmen Part 1-Les Toreadors".
The black figures and KIERKEGAARD exit. All lights except for the spotlight is replaced with a dim-lit blue light. The black figures enter and hustle to bring out the props for the last scene. First, an upright standing box the size of a telephone booth with an exterior modeled after TINDAL's 50's sci-fi style (it should give the impression of a very flashy time machine). Second, tropical plants are placed on all corners of the stage, and possibly some pagan Venus idols too, as well as two large drums and drumsticks. Third, there are three black figures standing on each side of the machine dressed in PROF. LEXATHOR's robes.
When all is in place, the music fades away. COGITO lets go of RENE and exits. The TV turns on and the channels are of a unifying and peaceful nature: delegations at the UN, world leaders shaking hands, the Berlin Wall falling down, crowds of people cheering for peace, etc.
The TV turns off, and very bright and pure lights fill the room. RENE is free to move around. SHE investigates everything, not having a clue as to what it all means.
RENE
What is all this?
The black figures dance as they sing their words.
SFX: The black figures sing as if in choir "The unification of your divided existence!"
RENE
My what?
TINDAL enters wearing all white.
TINDAL
A reunification of a fractured mind!
RENE
Huh?
ZSUZSANNA enters wearing all white.
ZSUZSANNA
The spirit's return to the motherland!
RENE
A what?!
PROF. LEXATHOR enters wearing all white.
PROF. LEXATHOR
The return of an immaculate mind!
RENE
I don't understand.
The LEMONADE SALMESMAN enters, wearing HIS usual attire.
LEMONADE SALESMAN
It's the end of the show!
RENE
Oh.
TINDAL
Affirmative. We three--
LEMONADE SALESMAN clears HIS throat.
TINDAL
Excuse me, thee-and-a-half have collaborated to relieve you of your apparently insolvable troubles. Well, at least insolvable by you alone.
ZSUZSANNA
PROF. LEXATHOR
And with your adamant willpower to inspire us, we've collaborated and created a miraculous device of faith that can, will, and shall answer all your troubles.
RENE
My troubles? You mean--?
PROF. LEXATHOR
Yes! Together, we will answer your question.
RENE
You will?!
ZSUZSANNA
I swear it on my blood.
TINDAL
I signed a contract to the same effect.
RENE
Thank you-thank you-thank you!
RENE kisses TINDAL.
RENE
Thank you!
RENE kisses ZSUZSANNA.
RENE
Thank you!
RENE kisses PROF. LEXATHOR.
RENE
Thank you!
RENE reaches to the LEMONADE SALMESMAN, who is already leaning for HIS cheek to be kissed. RENE takes HIS hand and shakes it.
RENE
Thank you. Thank you all! Now, I can finally rest. I can finally be at peace. I can finally know. So...where is it? Where's the answer?
TINDAL
It is hidden deep within our device's anatomy. My collaborators and I assure that it is definitely within this machine that is aptly named "The Transcendental-Spirit Guide-Divine Tool of...Answering!"
SFX: Thunder.
LEMONADE SALESMAN
I came up with the last part.
RENE
How does it work?
A black figure rushes out with a huge book and hands it to TINDAL.
TINDAL
Here's the instruction booklet.
TINDAL hands it over to RENE, who almost falls over from its weight. SHE opens it and reaches into it to take out a large remote control with a single red button.
RENE
I just push the button?!
TINDAL
Fast reader.
Beat.
ZSUZSANNA
Why do you wait? Push it!
RENE
I...it's just...
PROF. LEXATHOR
Yes, my child?
RENE
Can it be that easy?
TINDAL
Must everything be attained through hardship and travesty?
Beat.
RENE
I'm going to push it. Ready?
TINDAL
Ready.
ZSUZSANNA
Go.
PROF. LEXATHOR
Walk forth.
LEMONADE SALESMAN
Sure.
RENE
Okay.
RENE pushes the button.
SFX: The rising sound of a large electric-powered engine.
TINDAL
To your respective places, everyone! Expedite yourselves!
TINDAL rushes over to the machine and adjusts knobs and dials. ZSUZSANNA rushes over to the drums and starts drumming.
PROF. LEXATHOR orchestrates HIS black figures to sing harmonies. The bright light switches over the flashes of multi-colored lights.
RENE
What do I do?
PROF. LEXATHOR
Wait.
RENE
Wait?!
PROF. LEXATHOR
Patience is a virtue!
RENE
What if it explodes?
TINDAL
The probability of this device self-destructing is minimal.
RENE and LEMONADE SALESMAN
MINIMAL?!
LEMONADE SALESMAN
Sorry, guys. I'm gone. I'm just a lemonade salesman. Catch 'ya later!
LEMONADE SALESMAN exits. The machine's hum is increasing incredibly.
SFX: An earthquake.
RENE
What's happening?!
ZSUZSANNA
Be brave!
RENE
What if that thing kills us?!
ZSUZSANNA
We all die! (laughs maniacally)
A red light flashes over the door to the machine.
RENE
What does that light mean?
TINDAL
Open it and discover for yourself!
RENE carefully walks over to the machine, fearful that any false movement could set the machine off. SHE reaches the handle, looks at EVERYONE, and then opens it. All the music, black figures, drums, and machine go silent.
Beat.
RENE opens the door. A little girl dressed exactly in the same clothes as SOUL steps out of the machine with a large letter in HER hand.
SOUL
Hi.
RENE
Hi.
SOUL
Got something for you.
RENE
You do?
SOUL
Yep.
Beat.
RENE
Could I have it?
SOUL
Sure.
SOUL hands the letter over to RENE.
SOUL
There you go.
Beat.
RENE
Thank you?
SOUL
You're welcome. (half-beat) Goodbye.
RENE
Goodbye.
SOUL
(to ALL) Goodbye.
ALL
Goodbye.
SOUL re-enters the machine and closes the door. ANNA opens the letter and reads.
Beat.
RENE shows the letter to the audience. It has a single world printed in large font, "BECAUSE".
TINDAL
Because?
ZSUZSANNA
Because?
PROF. LEXATHOR
Because?
LEMONADE SALESMAN
(offstage) Because?!
The LEMONADE SALESMAN enters.
LEMONADE SALESMA
What the hell does that mean?
RENE
The answer to the question of "why" is "because".
PROF. LEXATHOR
Please don't harbor us any ire over this. We apologize for failing you.
TINDAL
Our device is defective.
ZSUZSANNA
It didn't work.
RENE
No. I get it now.
LEMONADE SALESMAN
You do?
RENE
Yes. The question of "why" is so general and all-encompassing that the only correct answer is just as general and all-encompassing as the question in question. When asked, "Why?", there are no specifics to focus on, so therefore the parameters are endless. The answer must therefore be an infinitely unspecific equation which does not betray the nature of the original question. If, however, the question is of a philosophical nature, then we can understand its notion to be intentionally vague and rather a question of our overall existence. To answer such an incredible query, the notion of "because" can be understood as a profession of the universe's will to exist, and that while the origins and means might never be known, the cause of existence is that non-existence necessitates the genesis of existence by default. It's so simple!
LEMONADE SALESMAN
It is?
RENE
The answer to "why" is "because". (to the sky) Is that it? Did I get it right?
SFX: Alarms.
Congratulatory music like that from "The Price Is Right" plays, confetti falls from the sky, and black figures rush out with balloons.
ANNOUNCER
(offstage) Congratulations, Rene D'Cart! You've finally found the answer to the question that's been troubling you. Youuuuuuuuuuuure a Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiinerrrrrrrrrr!
RENE
I won! I won-I won-I won!
PROF. LEXATHOR, ZSUZSANNA, and TINDAL shake RENE's hand.
PROF. LEXATHOR
We knew you could do it. We never lost faith in you.
ZSUZSANNA
You are a wise and brave woman. I'm proud to know you.
TINDAL
From a thousand failed experiments comes the truly deserved results.
RENE
Thank you, guys! I knew I could do it! I knew I could do it!
The alarms, music, and lights fade away. A spotlight shines down on RENE. ALL except for RENE quietly leave the stage.
RENE
I knew I could do it! I knew I could do it! I knew I could do it! I knew....where'd everyone go? Hello? Hello? Helloooooo?
Beat.
COGITO enters, but this time there is no Noh Theatre music. COGITO bows to RENE as a way to say "Thank You". RENE bows back. COGITO exits.
RENE
Bye. (beat) Bye.
RENE lies down upon the floor and falls asleep. The TV turns on. What is heard and seen is a collection of advertisement catch phrases, warnings from a news station, badly acted soap operas, talk shows, etc. The volume increases, and it sounds like multiple TVs have been turned on in the distance. At the peak of this cacophony, everything goes mute.
THE END