DEVEREAU
Don’t open it.
HELEN
What’s in it?
DEVEREAU
A secret message that only Keith will understand. After opening the letter and reading aloud what’s inside, all subliminal messages I have instilled within him will disappear. He will be as he was before.
HELEN
Is this another failsafe? Will it actually work?
DEVEREAU
Yes.
Beat.
DEVEREAU (CONT.)
So what change would you like Keith to take this time?
HELEN
I don’t know. If I ask him to clean up after himself, is he going to get OCD?
DEVEREAU
I could suggest something.
HELEN
You would!
Beat.
HELEN (CONT.)
What?
DEVEREAU
Most of my fellow female clients request that their male counterparts be a little more emotionally sensitive. As our culture goes, men are not generally caring and open to their opposite sex. Once I make my suggested changes, husbands and boyfriends tend to be more caring and respectful. Does that sound like something you’d be interested in?
HELEN
Will he try to molest me every time I enter the room?
DEVEREAU
He’ll more likely ask your permission for physical contact, and he’ll respect your wishes if you deny him.
HELEN
That sounds better.
Beat.
HELEN (CONT)
I swear, if you do anything else to screw him up--
DEVEREAU
Please! We’ve settled this already. If something goes wrong, use the failsafe.
HELEN
Okay.
HELEN exits.
DEVEREAU
Keith, wake up now.
DEVEREAU snaps HER fingers. KEITH awakes.
KEITH
Where’s Helen?
DEVEREAU
She stepped outside of the room, but she’ll be right back. How are you feeling?
KEITH
I…feel better and worse than I ever have in my life.
DEVEREAU starts to untie KEITH.
DEVEREAU
How so?
KEITH
I feel better when I’m with Helen, and I feel worse when I’m not with her. I just can’t stand being without her.
DEVEREAU
Helen informs me that you two have been more physically active than usual.
KEITH
She told you that?
DEVEREAU
I am a doctor, so your relationship is completely confidential.
KEITH
Oh, okay then. I don’t know why. I just feel the need to please her. It’s like I know she’s not happy, but this is the only way I know how to fix it, you know?
DEVEREAU
I think I might.
KEITH is completely untied and goes for HELEN, but DEVEREAU stops HIM.
DEVEREAU (CONT)
Wait.
KEITH
Why?
DEVEREAU
Would you like to try a new relaxation method? You seem a little tired, and I’m sure you can benefit from it.
KEITH
No, I’d rather go to Helen now. Excuse me.
DEVEREAU
Wait! There are reports that it can completely rejuvenate your stamina and…increase pleasure in the bed.
Beat.
KEITH
Okay. That sounds cool. What do I do?
DEVEREAU
Lie down like before.
KEITH
Oh, you mean when you hypnotized me. How did last time go? Did I do even funnier stuff.
DEVEREAU
You have no idea. Lie down and make yourself comfortable.
KEITH lies down.
KEITH
Just make it quick if you can. I have to get back to Helen. I can’t stand being away from her.
DEVEREAU
(whispered) It’s sad she doesn't feel the same way.
KEITH
Huh?
DEVEREAU
Go ahead close your eyes. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.
Slow fade to black.
SCENE VII
Lights up.
The room has been cleared of the candles, oils, and stereo. BRENDA and JEANINE are in the room enjoying glasses of lemonade, waiting for KEITH to return.
JEANINE
You wouldn't believe how many adult stores are in this county alone. My aunt Georgina invested in a chain of them. She says there's good money in it. If so, I wouldn't know anything about that. She's not the generous type. But Georgina swore by them, so I went to this one store called "Mistress' Palace", and they had the most amazing collection of--
HELEN enters.
Hello, Ms. Crabtree!
HELEN
It's Ms. Crandall-Crabtree.
JEANINE
Close enough.
HELEN
Brenda?
BRENDA
Hey, Helen.
HELEN
What are you doing here?
BRENDA
I was invited by Keith.
HELEN
Oh…him. Mr. Wonderful.
BRENDA
He should be back in a moment. He was looking for a photo album.
HELEN
Which one?
BRENDA
I think the one with the pictures of us when you still worked at The Canyon.
HELEN
Why?
BRENDA
I don’t know. Conversation piece?
HELEN
He’s up to something.
JEANINE
Yes, what evil plans he must have with the family photo album? God help us if he finds the ones of you during that retro hairstyle phase.
BRENDA
(To HELEN) How’s his last treatment treating you?
HELEN
I can’t win. I can’t win with him.
BRENDA
What’s wrong now?
JEANINE
(Whispered) What isn't wrong with her.
HELEN
It’s too much. I can’t have him intelligent. I can’t have him sexual. Now, I can’t have him care about me.
BRENDA
He always cared about you.
HELEN
Not enough…and now too much.
BRENDA
Helen, what’s wrong?
HELEN looks around the corner.
BRENDA (CONT.)
Helen!
HELEN
He won’t shut up. He won’t leave alone. He won’t let me have one moment of silence before asking me question after question after question.
BRENDA
About what?
JEANINE
Everything.
HELEN
“What’s your favorite color”, or “How many boyfriends have you had”, or “Why did Tommy pick on you so much in kindergarten?” Every question I answer, he has ten more to ask. It’s driving me crazy! Now he’s talking on the phone all day with my friends. Not our friends, my friends.
BRENDA
I guess I never really considered myself his friend. I didn’t know I was allowed to.
HELEN
You’re not.
BRENDA
Well…
JEANINE
Don't feel bad. I'm not allowed to make friends either.
HELEN
Brenda, it's not like that. Keith, when he was normal, that’s okay. Right now he’s going crazy. I need all the allies I can get.
BRENDA
I’m always on your side. Is Keith really that bad?
HELEN
Yes!
BRENDA
Then why don’t you tell Dr. Devereau to change him again?
HELEN
She’s in Canada.
JEA
NINE
And I was really looking forward to serving her my new specialty; Cajun-seasoned clam chowder.
BRENDA
Really? Then…you could always dump Keith.
HELEN
After all this? No, oh no! He’s mine, for better or worse.
KEITH enters with a photo album, surprising HELEN.
KEITH
Thank you, babe! That’ makes me feel so good to hear you say that.
JEANINE
(Whispered) And until death do you part.
BRENDA
Find the pictures?
KEITH
You bet I did. Thanks Jeanine. They were right where you told me they would be. Helen, you want to look through these with us?
HELEN
No.
KEITH
Come on. It’ll be fun.
HELEN
I said no.
KEITH
(Whispers) Are you feeling alright?
HELEN
I’m fine! I don’t want to look at pictures.
KEITH
Okay, you don’t have to. You’ll stay here with us though, right?
HELEN
Sure.
KEITH
Cool. Hey Brenda, tell me about this one.
KEITH opens the photo album and flips the pages till HE finds a particular photo.
BRENDA
Oh, that was…I almost forgot. I was so drunk.
KEITH
You look it, but in a good way.
BRENDA
Thanks. You’re lying, but thanks. That was…over ten years ago. God! Helen, you remember that night at the Porch Light?
HELEN
A little.
BRENDA
There were so many guys hitting on us. I don’t think we paid for one drink.
JEANINE
It's nice to be at that age where everything's still pointing up.
KEITH
What’s Helen wearing?
BRENDA
A t-shirt and pants?
JEANINE
And the cutest little thong that ever saw the light of day.
KEITH
I’ve never seen her wear pants before.
BRENDA
That was back when we still had butts to show off.
KEITH
And a t-shirt?
JEANINE
And no bras?
BRENDA
Nope, no bras.
HELEN
No! We were wearing--
HELEN looks at the photo and realizes the truth.
HELEN (CONT.)
Oh my god.
KEITH
Must have been cold that night.
HELEN
Give me that.
JEANINE
Spoil-sport.
KEITH protects the album from HELEN’s grasp.
KEITH
No.
BRENDA
Don’t be ashamed. He’s seen you naked before.
JEANINE
And I've seen the both of you naked together.
ALL look at JEANINE.
JEANINE (CONT.)
Well...close your doors if you don't want the world to see!
HELEN
Keith, give me the book!
KEITH
I can’t.
HELEN
Why not?
SFX: cellular phone rings.
KEITH answers the phone, but hands the book to BRENDA to guard it.
KEITH
Hey, Meredith.
HELEN
Meredith? Meredith who?
KEITH
Your mother. (to phone) Were you able to get reservations?
HELEN
My mother?!?
KEITH
(to HELEN) Shhh. (to phone) Good! Yeah, we’re free then I think. (to HELEN) Helen, are we free tomorrow night?
HELEN
What are you doing talking to my mother?
KEITH
(to phone) I think we’re free. Yeah, I’ll wear a tux even…I promise…I’ll try not to flex too much. Deal?
HELEN
(to BRENDA) What is he doing?
BRENDA shakes HER head.
JEANINE
Committing suicide by crazy girlfriend, I'd say.
KEITH
See you then. Bye-bye Meredith.
KEITH hangs up the cellular phone.
KEITH (CONT.)
You like Cantonese, right?
HELEN
What are you doing talking to my mother?
KEITH
Setting up a dinner with your folks. Did I do something wrong?
HELEN
You don’t even know my parents! I’ve never even introduced you to them!
KEITH
I know. I’m blaming it on your fear of commitment. Just kidding. No, I found Meredith’s number in your address book.
HELEN
Why were you looking for her number?
KEITH
So I could plan a dinner with them.
HELEN
Why did you do that?
KEITH
I wouldn’t feel right about being with you if they didn’t consent to it.
JEANINE
Hah!
BRENDA
Your mom’s going to see Keith in person?
BRENDA laughs.
HELEN
Shut up, Brenda!
BRENDA
Maybe you should pass him off as an astronomer again.
JEANINE
And show them his oversized telescope.
KEITH
You think that would work? Nah, I wouldn’t feel right lying to Meredith like that.
HELEN
Her name to you is Ms. Crandall!
KEITH
But she asked me to call her Meredith.
HELEN
When?
KEITH
Lunch, yesterday. She took me to this really good French restaurant down on--
HELEN
WHAT?
BRENDA
I’ll leave you two love birds alone. Bye Keith, and good luck.
KEITH
Thanks Brenda. You're always thinking of others.
JEANINE
I'll show you the way out. (Whispered) Don't want to be a witness when this bloodbath starts.
BRENDA and JEANINE exit.
KEITH
What’s wrong, Helen?
HELEN
Who else have you been talking to?
KEITH
I talked to Meredith and Bill, your cousin Jamie, uhh…Your uncle Thomas. You never told me you had relatives in the army.
HELEN
Why are you talking to my family at all?
KEITH
I’m sorry. I’m just learning all I can about you.
HELEN
Why?
KEITH
I want to make you happy. If I know more about you, then perhaps we’ll…
Beat.
HELEN
What?
Beat.
KEITH
I wanted to wait till dinner with your folks, but…
KEITH gets down on one knee and holds HELEN’s hand.
KEITH
Helen…
HELEN
What the hell are you doing?
KEITH gets out a ring box.
KEITH
Will you marry me?
Beat.
HELEN
Are you…are you crazy? Are you completely out of your mind?!?
KEITH
Out of my mind for you. Come on, Helen. You know we’re meant for each other.
HELEN
I don’t think so!
KEITH
You afraid? That’s cool. Meredith said she was too afraid to marry your father right away.
HELEN
Huh?
KEITH
Bill had to propose to her three times before she said “yes”. I was hoping you’d say
it right away.
HELEN
I...what…you…
KEITH
I've already planned most of the wedding. I booked the park for August, the one with the gazebo you always like looking at. Invitations are filled out and waiting to be mailed. One of the city's best wedding planners Rupert Moore is already setting up a line of bridal dresses for you to look at. I like the one with sequins, but I'm still hoping Rupert find something a little whiter. All that's left is for you to say "yes". So what do you say, babe?
HELEN is in shock.
KEITH (CONT.)
Helen, say what’s in your heart.
HELEN
Where’s that damn letter?!?
HELEN looks through the books on the shelves.
KEITH
What letter?
HELEN
What letter. You’ll know what letter I’m looking for soon enough!
KEITH
Please, babe. You don’t have to be like this. Your uncle Thomas said he’d give you a boat as a wedding gift. Think about it. Out on the beach on our boat with the kids doing flips off the bow.