Why didn’t she just fly in the window the first time?
HILLARY
Leander, save your son!
LEANDER
How? She can fly and throw me around in the air.
YALENA
Like a rag doll.
LEANDER
Like a rag doll. She must be magic. How can I fight that?
Beat.
HILLARY
The blind prophet.
LEANDER
The blind prophet.
YALENA
The blind prophet.
LEANDER
(to YALENA) Go and get…Euno, the Blind Prophet!
YALENA exits.
HILLARY
Will Euno be able to help us? Will he bring back our son?
LEANDER
Maybe. A blind prophet has to be useful for something.
YALENA enters, helping EUNO enter the room. EUNO waves at the audience.
EUNO
Hello everyone! Enjoying this tale of adventure so far?
HILLARY
(to LEANDER) Who is he talking to?
LEANDER shakes HIS head.
LEANDER
Euno, my blind prophet, seer of all that can’t be seen, my son has-
EUNO
-I know. I know. I wasn’t cast as the blind prophet in this story for nothing.
HILLARY
What do we do? How do we save my boy?
EUNO wanders around the room, trying to feel the threads of fate.
EUNO
I see…
YALENA
What?
EUNO
I see…
HILLARY
What?
EUNO
I see…
LEANDER
What do you see?
EUNO
Nothing. I’m the blind prophet, remember?
EUNO laughs.
EUNO (CONT.)
That’s a good one.
LEANDER
I demand you-
EUNO
-Wait! I can feel the Fates speaking through me.
YALENA
What are they saying?
EUNO
They say…Prince Cosmo is a prisoner. He is being held by the evil witch Mastidia…in a…really, really smelly bog. Peeyou!
HILLARY
What else are they saying?
EUNO
They say…the only way to break the witche’s magic…is with the Enchanted Damascus Sword of Xander the Barbarian Warrior!
SFX: thunder and wind.
LEANDER
Xander? The fearless warrior of the Dragon Wastelands, the champion of the Wyvren Graveyard, the slayer of a hundred undead armies, the-
YALENA
-yeah, yeah, yeah, lots of other fancy names too. How do we get Prince Cosmo back?
EUNO
We need someone brave…someone clever…someone…
EUNO feels for energies around the other three in the room. HE points towards LEANDER and YALENA’s direction.
LEANDER
Me?
EUNO
No, not you! Her.
EUNO points to YALENA.
YALENA
Me?
HILLARY
Her?
LEANDER
Her?
EUNO
Her? Oh yeah. That’s right. Uh-huh. Her.
YALENA
Are you sure?
EUNO
Sure as sure can be sure.
LEANDER
But she’s my servant! How can she defeat the great Xander when I can’t even do it?
EUNO
The Fates know what they’re talking about, [to Audience] and I don’t want to let go of secret plot points this early in the story.
Beat.
Who is he talking to?
LEANDER grabs at EUNO.
LEANDER (CONT.)
I am your king! Tell me all you know!
EUNO
That is all I know, you know. You know?
HILLARY calms down LEANDER’s grasp.
HILLARY
Euno has always helped us and given us good advice. If he says Yalena can get the sword and save Cosmo, then I believe him.
LEANDER
Fine, but he’s going with her.
YALENA
I don’t want to go. I’m not a warrior. I dust walls and was floors and…and clean toilet bowls as people are using them. I don’t know anything about saving people. I can’t do it!
LEANDER
Yalena…the Fates have chosen you…chosen you…to save my son. If Euno says you can do it, then you can do it. I guess.
YALENA
Really?
LEANDER
And if you don’t, I’ll order your beheading.
Beat.
YALENA
So Euno, are you ready for a rescuing?
EUNO
You know I am.
HILLARY
May you travel well and find our son quickly.
YALENA
Yeah. I hope so too.
EUNO waves at the audience.
EUNO
See you in the next scene.
YALENA
Come on.
EUNO and YALENA exit.
HILLARY
Leander, do you think they can do it? Can they save Cosmo?
LEANDER
I don’t know. I just don’t know.
END ACT I, SCENE I
ACT I, SCENE II
In dark and dangerous woods. The clawed shadows move closer and closer, hungry eyes can be felt from every angle, and sounds of the nightlife are both pleasing and frightening.
YALENA enters, leading EUNO along the way. YALENA is carrying a small sword and shield, obviously the only weapons light enough for HER to carry, and EUNO carries their supplies on HIS back.
YALENA
I hear Sheppardsville is a nice place to stay.
EUNO
If you’re a Sheppard, yes. If you’re a sheep, no. Why do you want to know?
YALENA
Oh…I was thinking of moving there. As a Sheppard. Not as a sheep.
EUNO
But what’s in Sheppardsville?
YALENA
A place to hide.
EUNO
Why hide? This is fun!
YALENA
Fun? Fun?!? We’re on a mission to save Prince Cosmo from a flying, very smelly witch with an enchanted sword I have to steal or win or whatever from the mighty Xander, killer of dragons and zombies! I have to do all this! Me!
EUNO
Fun, huh?
YALENA
Maybe there’s a town called Get-Lost-Ville.
EUNO
There is, and it’s infested with harpies. Evil, nasty creatures. They give me the willies. But what about Prince Cosmo? I hear the way you talk about him to your friends.
YALENA
Or a They’ll-Never-Find-Me-Hollow?
EUNO
I hear the way he talks about you too.
Beat.
YALENA
He’s a Prince.
EUNO
He’s a man.
YALENA
I’m a servant.
EUNO
You’re a woman.
YALENA
I’m no one.
EUNO
You’re someone to him.
EUNO
So the man of your dreams is a Prince,
And his high social class makes you tense,
But you know in your heart
Don’t let rules make you part
From the man you are meant to be with.
His father is a warrior king.
His mother is a beautiful queen.
But they aren’t quite as sharp
As a servant with smarts
And whose family was never inbred.
Don’t be fooled by your head.
Without your heart, yo
u are dead.
Let yourself fall in love,
YALENA
But that’s just it! Cosmo is kidnapped, and I’m on a quest to save him. Me! I’m not a soldier or a wizard or even a man. What chance do I have to save him?
So you’ve been sent on a mission to save
And you think only men can be brave,
But have you seen a man
Do the things that you can
Like listen to royalty whine?
You’re no worse off than ten armies
With well armored, supplied infantries.
They are ruled by one man
Who cannot understand
Why his son cannot stop from dancing.
Be brave, strong, and have courage.
Allow your pride to flourish.
The Fates have chosen you
And I’d pick up your sword and defend ups from the goblin I can smell standing over there.
YALENA
What?
EUNO
He’s over that way.
DORIS enters. DORIS is at first glance a horrid, dangerous creature born of a vicious race and bent on self-satisfaction. However, SHE is actually quite calm. So calm that SHE can rightfully claim to be the first pacifist of HER species…ever. SHE carries a strapped ukulele and a pouch full of mushrooms.
DORIS
Hey.
YALENA guards EUNO from DORIS.
YALENA
What do you want from us?
DORIS
Well, like…you see, you’re in my clan’s territory, and..uh…you’re making lots of noise, talking and singing and…stuff. And we got rules against that.
Beat.
YALENA
I apologize?
DORIS
Yeah, that’d do it for me, but…my family…
DORIS points to the shadows amongst the trees.
DORIS (CONT.)
They’re pretty big on following the rules, and uh…they want me to kill you guys.
YALENA
You…I’ll kill you first!
DORIS
Man, that’s harsh, but I don’t blame you or anything. It’s not your fault. It’s…them. Man! This is not cool. Not cool at all.
EUNO
Then don’t kill us.
DORIS
I know. That’s what I wanna do… but my family, they’re making me do this. Suppose to make a real goblin out of me or something.
YALENA
If you don’t want to kill us, not saying that I’d wouldn’t kill your first-
DORIS
-Right, right.
YALENA
-then don’t kill us.
DORIS
Well…
DORIS sits down and takes a mushroom out of HER pouch and licks it.
DORIS (CONT.)
If I don’t, then they’ll get mad. Like, really really mad. Like “throw me over a fire and eat me” mad.
EUNO
Harsh.
DORIS
I know.
DORIS hands the mushroom over to YALENA.
DORIS (CONT.)
Lick a shroom?
YALENA
Wha-what?
EUNO
I’ll take a shroom or two.
YALENA
No, don’t eat it!
EUNO
It’s only a mushroom.
DORIS
Yeah, it’s not poisonous or anything. I’m eating it. You’ll be cool.
EUNO takes two mushrooms, gives one over to YALENA, and then licks on the other. YALENA stares at hers.
EUNO
(to YALENA) It’s a Stardust Mistletoe Shroom. Makes you calm and see all the works of the Fates at once.
YALENA
As if you need any more of that.
EUNO licks the mushroom
YALENA (CONT.)
So…why don’t you want to kill us? I thought goblins were all mean and evil creatures, born to kill and burn stuff down.
DORIS
We are. I’m just different. You see, I was walking in this forest and I saw this chipmunk eating these mushrooms. He like…spaced out and laid on the ground. His eyes were all wide, like he was looking at the face of the Gods, man. So I ate him. Then…I saw what he saw. It was beautiful. I saw everything connected to everything, and when I hurt something else, I’m hurting me too. So…I told myself from that day on, I’d be cool to everything: chipmunk, human, goblin, tree, rock, sky, grass-
YALENA
Then why are you planning on killing us?
DORIS
That’s not me. That’s my family. They said they’d do the whole “disembowel and boil” thing to me if I don’t.
EUNO
Well then. I don’t blame you.
DORIS
Thanks man. My name’s Doris.
EUNO
I’m Euno.
DORIS
No, man. I don’t.
EUNO
No, I’m Euno.
DORIS
I don’t know man. That’s why I asked you.
EUNO
And I’m telling you. I’m Euno.
Beat.
DORIS laughs.
DORIS
You’re freaking me out, man.
YALENA
I’m Yalena. I’m a servant girl for the Atalante Kingdom.
DORIS
Cool. What are you doing in my woods?
YALENA
Our prince was kidnapped by the old witch Mastidia, and Euno here says the Fates say I’m the only one who can save him.
DORIS
Awesome. So…you’re like a hero or something, right?
EUNO
A heroine.
DORIS
No thanks, man. That stuff’s too harsh for me.
YALENA
I guess. Suppose I’m destined for greatness…or a nasty, painful death.
DORIS
Cool. Hey, you think…
DORIS looks around, and then motions for the others to lean in.
DORIS (CONT.)
[Whispered] You think I could come with you?
YALENA
[Whispered] Why would you want to do that?
DORIS
I don’t really want to kill you. Plus, my family’s not all that cool with me and my mushrooms and my music.
EUNO
What do you play?
DORIS whips around the ukulele.
EUNO (CONT.)
Cool.
DORIS
Right?
YALENA
But you might die if you follow me.
DORIS
Dying’s alright with me, man, but I want to die doing what I love, not what other people want. You know?
EUNO
What?
YALENA
I guess I understand that.
DORIS
So can I come?
Beat.
YALENA
Sure. Just don’t eat us in our sleep, okay?
DORIS
I’m down with that.
YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS collect THEIR stuff and exit.
EUNO (OS)
Good thing we got a move on before the scene transition.
END ACT I, SCENE II
ACT I, SCENE III
XANDER is yelling to a defeated enemy who has crawled away.
XANDER is a beast of a man; iron muscles, great stature, and a thunderous voice that shakes the trees. HIS simple code of honor keeps HIM dutiful and respectable…and foolish.
XANDER
Ha-ha! Crawl away, you coward! You were a fool to challenge me to a duel!
YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS enter. XANDER doesn’t notice them.
XANDER (CONT.)
The next time you swing your sword at me, I’ll do you a favor and cut off your other arm and save your life a second time!
YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS try to sneak off, but XANDER notices this time.
XANDER (CONT.)
What, more wives? Send your daughters away, old man. I have no need of women.
YALENA
He’s not our father, and I’m not here to marry you.
XANDER
Who are you?
YALENA
Well…uh-
XANDER
Who are you?
EUNO
I am the famous Blind Prophet Euno, voice of the Fates and seer of their works.
XANDER
I have heard tales of you. Shake my hand, old man. You honor me with your visit.
EUNO holds out a hand.
EUNO
Well I’m happy to meet you too. You have a strong and painful handshake there!
XANDER
Thanks. And who are these women you bring? Your slaves?
YALENA
I’m not a slave. I’m an indentured servant!
DORIS
But you see, a slave is someone who’s indentured to serve someone else, man. There’s no difference between the two. The only thing that separates them is one’s a lie and the other’s the ugly truth. Both are wrong, but it’s up to you to put and end to them both.
Beat.