Bitch and Moan
By
Justin Blasdel
Justin Blasdel
10/07/10
Version 2
justin_blasdel@yahoo.com
Characters
Christina "Tina" Lens; Early 30's, Art Gallery Curator.
Red; The need for perfection.
Blue; The need to give up.
Time
Present day, Fall.
Place
Tina's apartment.
Production Notes: When TINA, RED, or BLUE do anything with TINA's apartment (other than eating at the table, sitting down on the three chairs, and opening the door), it is all to be mimed. Even the taking off and on of clothes is mimed. It is best if THEY're wearing simple clothing. One chair is supposed to be the sofa, the second is the toilet, and the third is the kitchenette chair. The table is the kitchenette table.
A bare stage. Three chairs, one table, and one door.
TINA is in a deep sleep on one of the chairs. TINA is a mental train wreck waiting to happen. To the outside world, SHE's an eternal torch of human joy and appreciation of creativity. To us, SHE is without HER mask. We get to see exactly how crushed HER spirit is. Perhaps this is the day it dies.
SFX: Alarm clock.
TINA wakes up, realizing SHE fell asleep on the couch again. SHE looks at the ringing alarm clock. SHE stares at it, wondering what might happen if SHE hit the snooze...or simply turned it off.
SHE hits the snooze and slowly drifts back to sleep.
RED (OS)
Really, Tina?
RED enters. RED is the knot in your stomach when you feel like your world's about to end. If everything is not attended to immediately and finished on time, RED is there as your own personal alarm siren to drive you absolutely mad.
RED
Really? Tina? Really?! You hit the snooze button? You hit...the snooze button? Why? You think you'll be able to snooze now? Did you hear that alarm clock? I bet you can still hear it ringing in your ears, can't you? "Eeeeeeh-eeeeeh-eeeeh-eeeeeh! Time to get up! Time to get up!" It's annoying isn't it? But not nearly as annoying as not getting up and getting ready for the day. So get up.
Beat.
RED
Get up. Get up-get up-get up-get up....Get up! How can you possibly be ignoring me right now? You think it's Saturday or something? I can assure you it isn't. No, it's the worst day of the entire week. The day that means you have another full week of work to do.
RED (CONT.)
It's Monday. Monday is the day when you work. Just like Tuesday through Friday, but worse. But if you don't wake up right now, you'll regret it for the rest of the day. Think about it. Think about how much worse today will be if you're late.
Beat.
TINA opens HER eyes and sighs.
RED
Not a happy day is it?
TINA shakes HER head.
Get up and go to work.
BLUE (OS)
Or don't.
BLUE enters. BLUE is the thirty pound weight in your chest you hope to dislodge with a grande chai latte and a few donuts. BLUE feels nothing is important enough to warrant your care. Even breathing becomes a difficult task once BLUE gets your attention.
RED
What do you mean, "Or don't?"
BLUE
That's what I mean. Don't.
RED
Don't what?
BLUE
Don't get up. Don't go to work. Don't get out of bed. Sorry...don't get out of the chair. Just...don't.
RED
Don't go to work?! Is she supposed to ignore her responsibilities? Everyone at the gallery needs her. The gallery needs her. Without us, nothing gets done. The world falls apart, and it's all her fault.
BLUE sits down next to TINA.
BLUE
(To TINA) You don't actually believe that.
RED
Yes, she does.
BLUE
(To RED) The world will not end if she sleeps in one day.
RED
Our world will.
BLUE
No, it won't.
RED
(To TINA) If you're not there on time, then that means Gregg is in charge. When Gregg is in charge, mistakes are made. When mistakes are made, money is lost. And when money is lost, you...lose...your...job. Get up.
TINA stands.
RED
Take your shower.
TINA opens the bathroom door.
BLUE
She needs to use the restroom first.
RED
Fine. Tina, use the restroom, and then shower.
BLUE
It's only a pee. She could do that standing up in the--
RED
Eww! No! Toilet, shower. Toilet, shower. Don't get them confused.
TINA sits on the toilet, still dazed from a rude awakening.
BLUE
It's all going to the same place.
RED
I don't care. We eat food separately, and that's all going to the same place.
BLUE
Down the toilet.
RED
That's not what I mean, and you know it.
BLUE bends down to be face to face with TINA.
BLUE
You still sleepy, Tina?
TINA nods.
BLUE
I'm sorry. You know what will make it all better? If you go back to sleep...on your bed. Not the chair. The bed. There's no TV in there. You won't be tempted to watch anything. There's nothing to watch anyway. It's all daytime television.
RED
She's on the toilet. Leave her alone.
BLUE
(To TINA) Doesn't that sound nicer than work?
RED
She's going to work.
BLUE stands.
BLUE
(To RED) Says you.
RED
Yes. Says me. Says us. (To TINA) You're finished. Flush and get in the shower. You smell like a man.
TINA flushes and takes off HER robe.
BLUE
If only.
RED
You're disgusting.
TINA gets into the shower and turns on the water.
BLUE
Careful. It's mostly cold.
TINA turns the knobs and finds a good temperature. SHE washes HERSELF slowly, but methodically like a doctor scrubbing for surgery.
RED
It wouldn't be if she called the super a week ago, like we were supposed to do.
BLUE
When does she have time to call anyone? And Harry "The Big Hairball" thinks that asking him to fix something in her apartment is an invitation for sex.
RED
I thought you wanted her to smell like a man.
BLUE
Yeah, a good-looking man. A man without an all-natural sweater vest.
RED
Please stop putting images like that in our head. Please? Can you? Not do that? Thank you.
RED notices TINA's slow pace.
RED
We're going to be late. Late! Wash faster. Here, let me do it.
RED gets into the shower and grabs the loofa. SHE focuses on washing TINA's arms, back, and legs like a frustrated mother with a dirty child. BLUE sits on the toilet.
BLUE
She can wash herself, you know.
RED
Not the right way and not fast enough.
BLUE
(Laughs) If she were doing it the right way, she'd have a shower massager.
RED stops to consider that option, but then goes back to scrubbing TINA.
RED
She doesn't need one. She...doesn't work out anymore, so there's
no more sore muscles.
BLUE
I know she doesn't "work out" anymore. HER emergency stash of shower caps for the gentlemen callers is almost expired.
RED
We don't need to be thinking about that right now!
BLUE
Why not? If she was sitting naked on the sofa, would that be any better?
RED hands the loofa to TINA.
RED
Here, Tina. You do it.
RED gets out of the shower. TINA goes back to HER slow pace.
BLUE
I ask you again. Why not?
RED
(To Blue) Because.
BLUE
Because...why?
RED
Don't be coy. We just broke up with...
RED looks at TINA and then leans in to whisper to BLUE.
RED
(Whispered) You know who.
BLUE
Peter?
RED
For crying out...yell it out, why don't you?
BLUE
Peter was good in bed.
RED
Yeah, well Peter wasn't good at keeping faithful, so just drop it.
BLUE
Remember how he use to kiss Tina's toes in her sleep.
RED
And now he's kissing some other girl's toes. Move. She needs a towel.
BLUE moves. RED takes a towel out of a cupboard.
BLUE
Talk about putting images in her head.
RED
You...you're right. Sorry, Tina. I didn't mean to say that.
BLUE
You should be sorry.
RED
That's why I said, "Sorry, Tina." Jeeze.
RED unfolds the towel and stands by the shower door.
RED
(To TINA) You're finished. Get out and get dry. We're still on time.
TINA turns the water off.
BLUE
Yeah, if we push the petal to the metal. Vrooom-vroom!
TINA gets out of the shower and dries off with the towel.
RED
We're not speeding again! Getting another ticket on top of being late would be a nightmare.
BLUE
You didn't give her time to wash out all the soap in her hair.
RED
She'll put gel in it. We'll be okay.
BLUE
(Sarcastically) What, no blow-dryer today?
RED
You know we don't have time for that. Why would you even mention it? She has that on her mind now. Today, when she enters the gallery, everyone will be looking at her oily, rat's nest of a head of hair. Thank you for reminding her.
BLUE
We shouldn't care what they think.
RED takes the towel and dries off TINA's hair a little more.
RED
Well, we do.
BLUE
It's not like they like her anyway.
RED puts the towel in a hamper.
RED
Why would you say that? (To TINA) You'll have to put on the suit you got from the cleaners. It's on the sofa. Here.
RED picks up a bra and panties.
RED
These will have to do.
TINA takes the bra and goes to the sofa to dress HERSELF.
BLUE
It's obvious they don't like her.
RED
No, it isn't.
BLUE
Oh, yeah? How many times last week was she called "Chris"?
Beat.
RED
A few.
BLUE
Eight times. We counted.
RED
I'm still not sure that's the right number.
RED goes into the front room to help TINA put on clothes. BLUE follows.
BLUE
Whatever. Remember the time she started getting her work mail addressed to "Mr. Christina Lens?"
RED
It was a joke. An office prank. It means they like her.
BLUE
Has anyone ever called her Tina? You know, the name she asks everyone to call her by? The name we thought was peppy and young?
RED and TINA stop dressing. TINA realizes how long it's been since anyone has ever called HER that name. RED notices TINA's reaction and goes back to putting clothes on HER.
RED
That's all in the past. She was invited to a party for this Saturday, and that's where we're going. She'll have fun, everyone will see her having fun, and then everyone will want to be her friend.
BLUE
She's not going.
RED
Yes, she is.
BLUE
No, she's not.
RED
Yes, she is.
BLUE
I know for a fact that she's not. (To TINA) Honey, you look like hell.
RED looks at TINA's face.
RED
She's not wearing any makeup. Duh. (To TINA) Off to the bathroom again.
TINA picks up HER purse and goes to the bathroom, stands in front of the mirror, and starts to apply makeup.
RED
(To TINA) Not that stuff. Use the other foundation. You'll look less pale. (To BLUE) And why isn't she going?
BLUE
It's a lower employees' thing.
RED
She got the invitation. Someone wants her to go.
BLUE
Out of pity.
TINA pauses for a moment, then continues.
RED
So. It still counts.
BLUE
They're going to Stylz.
RED
It's a public bar. She's allowed to go there.
BLUE
So is Peter.
Beat.
RED
That's a good point.
TINA stops applying makeup. SHE looks into HER purse and pulls out the invitation. BLUE reads it.
BLUE
"Meet at 8pm for a night out on the town. We reserved a booth. First drink's free. See you there." Yep, that's when Peter's usually there. He'll be drunk, see Tina, and make an ass of himself.
RED
That's kind of early to be drunk.
BLUE
He's an artist. That's what they do.
RED
Don't remind us.
Beat.
BLUE
(To TINA) So...get embarrassed in front of your co-workers by your ex-boyfriend...or they'll get mad and might not invite you to the next party. Which one are we going to do?
TINA rips the invitation and throws it in the trash can beside the sink.
BLUE
Good choice.
Beat.
RED
Tina? Tina? It's not that bad. You won't go to this one, but you'll go to the next.
BLUE
If they have it at another bar.
RED
(To TINA) If it's at another bar, yes. However...could you hurry this up? You don't want to fall behind, do you? Tick-tock-tick-tock.
TINA applies HER eyeliner.
RED
Do the eyes...without the mascara or eye shadow--
BLUE
Without eye shadow?
RED
And put your lipstick on in the car. We have to eat something.
BLUE
Oh, goody! Food! I think there's some chicken alfredo left over from last night--
RED
(To BLUE) We're having cornflakes.
BLUE
What? You want us to starve to death?!
RED
No. I'm helping Tina to be thin and BE ON TIME FOR WORK!
Beat.
RED
Are you sulking now?
BLUE
No.
RED
Good, because we don't have time for it. Tina, go and sit down in the kitchen.
BLUE
Kitchenette.
RED
Ki
tchen. I'll make your breakfast for you.
TINA sits down on the kitchenette dinner table. RED gets the cereal box, milk, bowl, and spoon.
BLUE
Chicken alfredo would be better.
RED
And it requires to be microwaved.
BLUE
So?
RED
Anything microwaved is fattening.
RED pours milk and cereal into the bowl.
BLUE
That's not true. What about...about...
RED
About? (To TINA) Here you go.
RED puts the cereal bowl down in front of TINA, who starts eating slowly and methodically.
BLUE
About...I have nothing.
RED
I knew you wouldn’t.
RED puts the milk and cereal box away.
Beat.
BLUE
So...(sing-songy) "What's in store for today?!" Another loser artist?
RED
They're not all losers.
BLUE
They have been.
RED
That's...not our fault.
BLUE
It's her job.
RED
What's in and what's out is fickle these days. One day, it's comic book heroes going "pow" and "wham". The next it's Navajo rock paintings. The day after that its microscopic pieces of art that require expensive microscopes to see. Everyday's different.
BLUE
All three of those artists, she learned about only after everyone else wanted them. By that time, they were too expensive.
RED
That's how you learn what's popular. When everyone else wants someone, then that person's popular. You can't know beforehand. You simply have to time it right and be one of the first to display the next big thing.
BLUE
That sounds too complicated and difficult.
RED
That's what being a curator is all about.
Beat.
BLUE
There's an easier way.
RED
Not this again.
BLUE
We can showcase artists before they're famous.
RED
Again, and again, and again...will you let it go? We're not digging for diamonds in the rough again. Tina has too much respect for herself.
BLUE
She'd get less crow's feet that way.
TINA touches HER eyes.
RED
(To TINA) They're not bad. You're too young to have crow's feet anyway.
BLUE
And if you cut out the middle man, then we wouldn't have to wake up early every morning to deal with contracts.
RED
And greedy agents.
BLUE
We've done it before.
RED
I know where you're going with this. Don't get the book.
BLUE
I'm getting the book.
BLUE exits offstage into the bedroom.
RED
I said DON'T get the book.
Beat.
BLUE (OS)
Where'd we leave the blue book?
Beat.
BLUE (OS)
Where'd we leave the--
RED
It's in the chest in the closet!
Beat.
BLUE enters with the book in hand.
BLUE
Found it.
RED
Obviously. So what page from our work portfolio-slash-broken dreams collection are we looking at first?
BLUE slams the book down in front of TINA and opens it. BLUE points to a particular page.
BLUE
Look, our first real public event. Everybody loved it.
RED
The prison art? The gallery was full of weirdoes, and one of them stole a dinner tray.
BLUE turns a few pages.
BLUE
The ghetto car hood graffiti? Tina got a whole article printed about it.
BLUE
And we only moved three hoods. Recycled car parts don't have that ring of elegance to them.
BLUE turns a few more pages.
BLUE
And what about our most successful show ever with the punk-age expressionist, the Nigerian masks, and that....third person.
RED
That...third person? Who exactly was that third person?
BLUE
You know who.
RED
Nooooo, I think you better tell us. You brought up it up, so why don't you give us the final blow. I don't think Tina's suffered enough.
Beat.
TINA looks at the book. SHE relives fond memories while looking at the picture, but then SHE remembers the not-so-fond memories. SHE closes the book.
TINA
Peter.
TINA shoves the book off of the table.
BLUE
Peter.
RED
Peter.
BLUE
I wasn't trying to bring him back up.
RED
You failed miserably, didn't you?
BLUE
I was just trying to point out when--
RED
What were you trying to point out? The most devastating breakup we've ever been through? You know, people at work still make fun of her for being traded in for a younger model.
BLUE
It wasn't because she was young.
RED
It didn't hurt, though, did it?
BLUE
It was because...
Beat.
RED
Because Tina hated Peter for having talent. (To Tina) You're finished with that.
RED takes away the cereal bowl and dumps it into the sink.
BLUE
What? Why would she resent him for that? He was a painter. That's what those types do. They paint. Pe-...He was good at it. That's what attracted us to him.
RED
It attracted Tina, because she wishes she could have that level of talent.
BLUE
Doesn't everybody?
RED
Does everyone drop an art major and pick up a business one, and then spend their lives looking at other people's work?
BLUE
Not everyone can be talented.
RED
They should be when they want it badly enough. (To TINA) Go get your briefcase.
TINA walks over to the sofa to get HER briefcase.
RED
Make sure everything's in there. We don't want to have to come back during your lunch hour to get a missing paper.
BLUE
We have everything. Don't pester her about it.
RED
Tina, you should check it.
TINA opens the briefcase and checks everything in it.
BLUE
You know, we could go back to painting.
RED
No, we can't.
BLUE
We could too!
RED
We're not good. You have to be good to make a living out of it, and sometimes even that's not enough.
BLUE
So what? We can sacrifice a few things for a happier life.
RED
Sacrifice what, exactly?
BLUE
This....this apartment for one.
RED
It's impossible to get an apartment of this size for this cheap anywhere else in the city.
BLUE
We don't need this much room.
RED
The only thing smaller...would be a studio apartment!
BLUE
Lots of artists start out that way.
RED
Okay, I can buy that. What she can't buy is food on a maxed-out credit card.
BLUE
It's maxed out?
RED
It will be with all the gas money it'll take her to commute back and forth and for a parking deck.
BLUE
We can get rid of the car.
RED laughs.
BLUE
We can! She can ride the bus.
RED
And risk a raping? No thank you very much.
BLUE
These are all little details. That's all they are.
RED
These little details are the only things that make our life any easier.
BLUE walks over to TINA and takes the briefcase.
BLUE
You mean these little details? Like...
BLUE grabs some of the papers from the briefcase.
BLUE
Filling out insurance claims...on a piece of painted cardboard that you know no one will buy.
RED
Put that down before you crumple it!
BLUE drops the paper back into the briefcase and grabs something else.
BLUE
Remembering to call a restaurant and reserving a table for all the high paying patrons.
RED
I'm warning you.
BLUE
You're warning me?
RED
I'm warning you. Put those papers back in the briefcase and in order.
Beat.
BLUE dumps the contents of the briefcase onto the floor.
RED
You bitch!
RED and TINA scrambles on the floor and pick up all the papers, pins, portfolios, etc. that might have fallen out of the briefcase.
RED
Don't, Tina! You'll get your suit dirty.
RED pulls TINA away from the floor and onto the sofa. BLUE walks over to the cupboard and opens it.
BLUE
What about these little details?
RED looks up at BLUE.
RED
The dishes? You wouldn't!
BLUE
We don't really need all these glasses...and plates...and bowls...
BLUE grabs a glass.
RED
Don't--
BLUE lets go of the glass.
SFX: Glass breaking.
BLUE
What?! Awww. A broken dish.
RED
I said DON'T!
BLUE grabs another glass.
BLUE
Stop me.
BLUE drops the glass.
SFX: Glass breaking.
RED
Don't!
BLUE
No!
BLUE randomly pulls dishes out and breaks them on the floor.
SFX: Glass breaking, continuously.
RED
Stop it!
BLUE
No!
RED
Stop it!
BLUE
Nope!
RED
Stop it!!!
BLUE
Can't hear you!
RED finally rushes over to BLUE and pushes HER away from the cupboard. RED shifts through the remains of the dishes.
RED
Tina had such the perfect set. All her glasses matched, even in style. They looked perfect next to her blue, square plates. And then occasionally, occasionally, on a good day, someone would come over and give us a reason to use the wine glasses.
BLUE grabs another glass from the cupboard.
BLUE
Here's the other wine glass if you want it.
BLUE drops it, and RED guards HERSELF.
SFX: Glass breaking.
BLUE
Whoops. Too late.
Beat.
BLUE
So, what now?
Beat.
BLUE
What...now?
RED
I don't know.
BLUE
What?
RED
I don't know!
BLUE
We're late for work.
RED
I know.
BLUE
Guess we should call and tell Gregg.
RED
It doesn't matter.
BLUE
It doesn't matter?
RED
No.
Beat.
BLUE
Do you hear that, Tina? It doesn't matter.
TINA nods HER head.
BLUE
(To RED) Then what does matter?
RED
I guess nothing. Do what you want.
BLUE
I don't believe you.
RED
I don't care.
RED sits on the kitchenette dinner chair.
BLUE
I'm going to test that.
RED
Go ahead.
BLUE
Tina, your purse.
TINA hands HER purse over to BLUE. BLUE takes out the foundation.
BLUE
You see this?
BLUE tosses it.
BLUE
Gone.
RED
Don't care.
BLUE takes out a handful of makeup.
BLUE
And all of these.
BLUE tosses them.
BLUE
Gone.
RED
Don't care.
BLUE dumps the purse out.
RED
Don't care.
BLUE drops the purse and exits into the bedroom. SHE comes back out with a dress and a pair of scissors.
BLUE
I'll cut it. I'll cut it to shreds. I'm sorry, Tina, but I'll do it.
RED
I...don't...care.
BLUE
This is Tina's "sexy but still a working woman" dress. The only one you agree with me she should wear on dates. I'll cut it into a thousand pieces and bury it in the ground if you don't stop me.
TINA touches the dress, running HER fingers up and down it.
RED
Do it.
BLUE gives a single cut. RED and TINA flinch, but don't do anything else. BLUE gives another snip. TINA still flinches, but RED has stopped. BLUE cuts the dress over and over and over again until the dress falls down on the floor.
Beat.
BLUE
This is fun. What next?
RED
Whatever you want.
BLUE
Okay. I'm getting the book.
RED nods. BLUE walks over to the table and picks the book up from the ground.
BLUE
What should we do with it?
Beat.
TINA
Burn it.
RED
(To TINA) Burn it?
TINA nods.
RED
(To BLUE) I guess burn it, then.
BLUE
Cool. In what?
RED
In the metal trash can. So we can contain it.
BLUE
Go get some matches.
BLUE hands the book off to TINA and goes into the bathroom to get the trashcan below the sink, and RED searches the kitchen for matches. BLUE puts the trash can in front of TINA.
RED
Smoke detector. I'll deactivate the smoke detector.
BLUE
Deactivate it?
RED takes the smoke detector off of the wall and pulls the batteries out.
BLUE
Oh. The batteries. Smart thinking.
RED moves to TINA and prepares a match.
RED
Ready?
BLUE
Tina should be the one to light it.
RED
Makes sense. Tina, you want to?
TINA nods. RED hands the match over to TINA.
RED
Be careful. Remember to drop the match in the bucket after the book lights.
TINA lights the match.
Beat.
RED
You sure you want to give up everything?
BLUE
Yeah, I mean, other than the job, this is an okay way to live. Enough food, comfortable bed, even more comfortable sofa, and a TV. You might n
ot have those things after this.
RED
And your reputation. If you do this, no one will take