for long.
I see you decided not to enroll in any Advanced Placement
classes this year, he said, looking at her from over his half-moon
reading glasses.
I didnt think Id be able to handle the extra workload, she
mumbled, tucking her hands under her thighs and sitting on them
to keep them still.
I think youre capable of much more than you are willing to admit,
Hergie said, frowning. I know you arent lazy, Helen. I also
know you are one of the brightest students in your class. So whats
keeping you from taking advantage of all that this educational system
has to offer you?
I have to work, she said with a helpless shrug. I need to save
up if I want to go to college.
If you take AP classes and do well on your SATs, you will stand a
better chance of getting enough money for school through a scholarship
than by working for minimum wage at your fathers shop.
My dad needs me. We arent rich like everyone else on this island,
but we are there for each other, she said defensively.
Thats very admirable of you both, Helen, Hergie replied in a
serious tone. But you are reaching the end of your high school
years and its time to start thinking about your own future.
I know, Helen said, nodding. She could see from the worry
puckering his face that he cared, and that he was just trying to
help. I think I should get a pretty good athletic scholarship for
track. I got much faster over the summer. Really.
Mr. Hergeshimer stared at her earnest face begging him to let it
go, and finally conceded. All right. But if you feel like you need
more of an academic challenge, you are welcome to join my AP
English class at any point this semester.
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Thank you, Mr. Hergeshimer. If I feel like I can handle AP, Ill
come to you, Helen said, grateful to be let off the hook.
As she went back to her desk, it occurred to her that she had to
keep Hergie and her father away from each other at all cost. She
didnt want them comparing notes and deciding that she needed to
be in special classes and go out for special awards. Even the
thought gave her a bellyache. Why couldnt they all just ignore her?
Secretly, Helen had always felt she was different, but she thought
she had done a pretty good job of hiding it her whole life. Apparently,
without realizing it, shed been sending out hints of that buried
freak inside of her. She had to try to keep her head down, but
she wondered how she was going to do that when she kept getting
taller and taller every damn day.
Whats up? Claire asked as soon as Helen returned to her seat.
Just another motivational moment from Hergie. He doesnt
think Im applying myself, Helen said as breezily as she could.
You dont apply yourself. You never do your work, Zach replied,
more offended than he should have been.
Shut it, Zach, Claire said, crossing her arms belligerently. She
turned and faced Helen. Its true, though, Lennie, she told her
apologetically. You never do your work.
Yeah, yeah. You can both shut it, Helen said, chuckling. The
bell rang and she gathered her things. Matt Millis gave her a smile
but hurried away as they left the room. Feeling guilty, Helen realized
that she hadnt spoken to him yet. She hadnt meant to ignore
him, especially not on the first day of school.
According to Claire, everyone knew that Matt and Helen were
supposed to be together. Matt was intelligent, good looking, and
captain of the golf team. He was still sort of a geek, but because
Helen was practically a pariah ever since Gretchen had started
spreading rumors about her, it was a compliment that everyone
thought she was good enough for someone like Matt.
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Unfortunately, Helen never felt anything special for him. Zero
tingles. The one time they had been shoved into a closet together at
a party to make out, it had been disastrous. Helen felt like she was
kissing her brother, and Matt felt like he was being rejected. Afterward,
he was sweet about it, but no matter how many times he
missed him but she worried that if she told him he would take it
the wrong way. It feels like everything I do lately is being taken
the wrong way, Helen thought.
The rest of the morning Helen wandered on autopilot from class
to class. She couldnt concentrate on much of anything, and every
time she tried to make herself focus she felt nothing but irritation.
Something about the day was off. Everyonefrom her favorite
teachers to the few acquaintances she should have been happy to
seewas annoying her, and every now and again while she was
walking down the hall she would suddenly feel like she was inside
an airplane at ten thousand feet. Her inner ear would block up, all
the sounds around her would become muffled, and her head would
get hot. Then, as suddenly as it had come on, the discomfort would
go away. But even still, there was a pressure, a pre-thunderstorm
energy all around her, even though the skies were lovely and blue.
It got worse at lunch. She tore into her sandwich thinking that
her headache was the result of low blood sugar, but she was wrong.
Jerry had packed her favorite sandwichsmoked turkey, green
apple, and brie on a baguettebut she couldnt force herself to take
more than a bite. She spat it out.
Your dad make another dud? Claire asked. When Jerry had
first partnered up with Kate hed started experimenting with creative
lunches. The Vegemite and Cucumber Disaster of Freshman
Year was legendary at their table.
No, its good old number three. I just cant eat it, Helen said,
shoving it away. Claire gleefully picked up the remainder and started
eating it.
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Mmm, is really good, she mumbled around a full mouth. Us a
atter?
I just dont feel right, Helen said.
Claire stopped chewing and gave her a worried look.
Im not sick. You can go ahead and swallow, Helen assured her
quickly. She saw Matt approaching and chirped, Hey! trying to
make up for that morning.
He was deep in conversation with Gretchen and Zach and didnt
respond, but still came to his habitual spot at the geek table. Both
Gretchen and Zach were so engrossed in what they were saying
that they didnt notice that they had wandered into geek territory.
I heard they were movie stars in Europe, Zach was saying.
Where did you hear that? Matt asked, incredulous. Thats
ridiculous.
I heard from at least two other people that Ariadne was a model.
Shes certainly pretty enough, Zach argued passionately, hating to
be wrong about anything, even gossip.
Please. Shes nowhere near thin enough to be a model,
Gretchen hissed bitterly, before catching herself and adding, �
�Of
course I think shes pretty, if you go for that exotic, voluptuous
look. But shes nothing compared to her twin, Jasonor her cousin!
Lucas is just unreal, she gushed.
The boys shared a knowing look, but silently agreed that they
were outnumbered by girls and should probably let it go.
Jason is almost too pretty, Claire decided solemnly, after giving
it a moments thought. Lucas, however, is an über-babe. Quite
possibly the most beautiful boy Ive ever seen. And Ariadne is a
stone-cold fox, Gretchen. Youre just jealous.
Gretchen gave an exasperated huff and rested a fist on her hip.
Like youre not, was all she had for a comeback.
Of course I am. Im almost as jealous of her as I am of Lennie.
But not quite. Helen felt Claire turn to her to see her response, but
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she had her elbows on the table and her head cradled in her hands,
rubbing her temples.
Lennie? Matt said, sitting down next to her. Does your head
hurt? He reached out to touch her shoulder. She stood up abruptly,
muttering an excuse, and hurried away.
By the time she got to the girls room she felt better, but she
splashed a little cold water on her face for good measure. Then she
remembered that she had put mascara on that morning in an attempt
to make an effort. She looked at her raccoon eyes in the mirror
and burst out laughing. This was the worst first day of school
ever.
Somehow she made it through the last three periods, and when
the bell finally rang she gratefully made her way to the girls locker
room to change for track practice.
Coach Tar was all fired up. She gave an embarrassingly optimistic
speech about their chances to win races that year and told them
how much she believed in them, both as athletes and as young women.
Then she turned to Helen.
Hamilton. Youll be running with the boys this year, Coach said
bluntly. She told everyone to hit the trail.
Helen sat on the bench for a moment, debating her options while
everyone else filed out the door. She didnt want to make a fuss,
but she was mortified by the thought of having to cross the gender
line. The muscles in her lower abdomen started to spasm.
Go talk to her! Dont let her push you around, Claire said indignantly
as she left.
Confused and afraid she was going to get a bellyache, Helen nodded
and stood up.
Coach Tar? Cant we just do it the way we always do? she called
out. Coach Tar stopped and turned around to listen, but she didnt
look happy about it. I mean, why cant I just train with the rest of
the girls? Because I am a girl, Helen finished lamely.
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Weve decided that you need to start pushing yourself more,
Coach Tar responded in a cold voice. Helen had always gotten the
feeling that Coach didnt like her much, and now she was sure of it.
But Im not a boy. Its not fair to make me run cross-country
with them, Helen tried to argue. She jabbed two fingers into the
spot between her belly button and her pubic bone.
Cramps? Coach Tar asked, a touch of sympathy creeping into
her voice. Helen nodded and Coach continued. Coach Brant and I
have noticed something interesting about your times, Helen. No
matter who youre running against, no matter how fast or slow
your opponents are, you always come in either second or third.
How can that be? Do you have an answer?
No. I dont know. I just run, okay? I try my best.
No, you dont, Coach said harshly. And if you want a scholarship
youre going to have to start winning races. I talked to Mr.
Hergeshimer. . . . Helen groaned out loud, but Coach Tar continued,
undeterred. Its a small school, Hamilton, get used to it. Mr.
Hergeshimer told me that you were hoping for an athletic scholarship,
but if you want one youre going to have to earn it. Maybe forcing
you to match the boys will teach you to take your talent
seriously.
The thought of displaying her speed for the world to see had a
physical effect on Helen. She was so afraid that she was going to
get some kind of cramp or bellyache that she started to have a mini
panic attack. She began to babble. Ill do it, Ill win races, just
please dont single me out like that, she pleaded, the words tumbling
out in a rush as she held her breath to hold back the pain.
Coach Tar was a hard-ass, but she wasnt cruel. Are you okay?
she asked anxiously, rubbing Helen between her shoulder blades.
Put your head between your legs.
Im okay, its just nerves, Helen explained through gritted
teeth. After catching her breath she continued, If I swear to win
more races, will you let me run with the girls?
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Coach Tar studied Helens desperate face and nodded, a bit
shaken from witnessing such an intense panic attack. She let Helen
go to the girls trailhead, but warned her that she still expected
wins. And more than just a few.
As she ran the trail, Helen looked at the ground. An academic
scholarship would be great but that would mean competing with
Claire for grades, and that was out of the question.
Hey, Giggles, Helen said, easily catching up. Claire was panting
and sweating away already.
What happened? God, its so hot! she exclaimed, her breath
strained.
I think the entire faculty is trying to see if they can climb up
onto my back at the same time.
Welcome to my life, Claire wheezed. Japanese kids grow
up . . . with at least two . . . people up there. . . . You get used to it.
After a few more labored moments of trying to keep up with Helen,
Claire added, Can we . . . slow down? Not all of us are from . . .
planet Krypton.
Helen adjusted her pace, knowing that she could pull ahead in
the last half mile. She rarely exerted herself in practice but she
knew that even without trying hard she could easily finish first.
That fact scared her, so she did what she usually did when the subject
of her freaky speed came up in her head. She ignored it and
chatted with Claire.
As the two girls ran down Surfside and out across the moors to
Miacomet Pond, Claire couldnt stop talking about the Delos boys.
She told Helen at least three times that Lucas had held the door for
her at the end of class. That act proved he was not only a gentleman,
but already in love with her as well. Jason, Claire decided,
was either gay or a snob because he had only glanced at her once
before quickly looking away. She also took offense at how nice a
dresser he was, like he was European or something.
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Hes been living in Spain for, like, three years, Gig. He kinda is
European. Can we please stop talking about them? Its giving me a
headache.
Why are you the only person in school that isnt interested in the
Delos family? Arent you even curious to
get a look?
No! And I think its pathetic that this entire town is standing
around gawking at them like a bunch of hicks! Helen shouted.
Claire stopped short and stared at her. It wasnt like Helen to argue,
let alone start yelling, but she couldnt seem to stop herself.
Im bored to death of the Delos family! Helen continued, even
when she saw Claires surprise. Im sick of this towns fixation
with them, and I hope I never have to meet, see, or share breathing
space with any of them!
Helen took off running, leaving Claire standing by herself on the
trail. She finished first, just like shed promised, but she did it a
little too quickly; Coach Tar gave her a shocked look when she recorded
the run time. Helen blew by her and stormed into the locker
room. She grabbed her stuff and bolted out of school, not bothering
to change or say good-bye to any of her teammates.
On the way home, Helen started crying. She pedaled past the
neat rows of gray shingled-sided houses with their black or white
painted storm shutters and tried to calm down. The sky seemed to
sit particularly low on the scoured land, as if it was pressing down
on the gables of the old whalers and trying to finally flatten them
after a few centuries of stubborn defiance. Helen had no idea why
shed gotten so angry, or why shed abandoned her best friend like
that. She needed a little peace and quiet.
There was a car accident on Surfside; some gigantic SUV had
tried to turn onto a narrow, sandbanked side street and turned
over. The drivers were okay, but their beached whale of a car
blocked off traffic from end to end. Annoyed as she was, Helen
knew she couldnt even pedal past the boneheaded off islanders
without losing her checkers. She decided to take the long way
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home. She turned around and headed back toward the center of
town, passing the movie theater, the ferry, and the library, which,
with its Greek temple architecture, stuck out like a sore thumb in a
town that otherwise was an ode to four-hundred-year-old Puritan
architecture. And maybe thats why Helen loved it. The Atheneum
was a gleaming white beacon of strange smack-dab in the middle
of forget-me-now drab, and somehow, Helen identified with both
of those things. Half of her was no-nonsense Nantucket through
and through, and the other half was marble columns and grand