Neither do I, sir.
Colonel
Metcalf, shut your mouth and keep out of this.
Metcalf
Yes, sir.
Colonel
Do you know what I mean when I tell you to keep your mouth shut?
Metcalf
Yes, sir.
Colonel
Then why do you answer “Yes, sir” when I tell you to keep your mouth shut?
Metcalf
I don’t know, sir.
Colonel
Do you call that keeping your mouth shut?
Metcalf
No, sir.
Colonel
Good. Then keep your mouth shut from now on when I tell you to keep your mouth shut.
Metcalf
Yes, sir.
Colonel
That’s better. (To Scheisskopf) Cadet Clevinger—
Scheisskopf
He’s Clevinger, sir. I’m Scheisskopf.
Clevinger
I’m Clevinger, sir. All I did was stumble—
Colonel
Do you understand the charges against you?
Clevinger
No, sir. I don’t know the charges against me. All I did was—
Colonel
Will you please stop saying that? In sixty days you’ll be fighting Billy Petrolle and you keep wasting time telling me you stumbled. Just answer my question. Do you or don’t you?
Clevinger
What?
Colonel
I forgot.
Metcalf
And it’s your fault.
Colonel
Is there anything you want to say in your own defense, before I pass sentence?
Clevinger
Yes, sir! First you have to find me guilty.
Colonel
We can do that in a second. I find you guilty. There.
Clevinger
Of what? I have a right to face my accuser, sir, and to have an officer defending me.
Colonel
Does he?
Scheisskopf
I have no objections to letting him face me.
Colonel
You can face him if you want to. Now let’s get on with it. Face him. Good. Who’s handling the prosecution?
Scheisskopf
I am, sir.
Colonel
Okay, Shithead, then—
Scheisskopf
Scheisskopf.
What?
Scheisskopf
Scheisskopf, sir. That’s my name.
Colonel
Scheisskopf ? What kind of a name is Scheisskopf? I thought your name was Shi—
Scheisskopf
Scheisskopf. It’s my name, sir. It’s German.
Colonel
Aren’t we at war with Germany?
Scheisskopf
It’s just my name that’s German, sir. Not me. It isn’t even my name, sir. I got it from my father. I’ll give it back if you want me to.
Colonel
Oh, that’s not necessary. I have no quarrel with Adolf Hitler. In fact, I kind of like the job he’s doing of stamping out un-American activities in Germany. Let’s hope we can do as well with this punk when we’ve all got to be sharp enough to cut the mustard and rough enough and tough enough to fight Billy Petrolle. Are we ready to begin?
Clevinger
Who’s defending me?
Colonel
Who’s defending him?
Scheisskopf
I am.
Colonel
That’s good. We’ll need one more judge, just in case Major Metcalf and I—ha, ha—should disagree.
Scheisskopf
I could be a judge too, sir. As long as I’m prosecuting him and defending him, I would be able to see both sides of the question and probably have an unprejudiced view.
Colonel
That makes sense to me. Then we’re ready to begin. Now, on the basis of the evidence I’ve seen, the case against Clevinger is open and shut. All we need is something to charge him with.
Scheisskopf
I believe I have that, sir. In anticipation of the possibility that such a contingency was likely to arise. I took the liberty, in my capacity of prosecutor, of drawing up—
Colonel
—Shi—
Scheisskopf
Scheisskopf.
Colonel
Get to the God damned point.
Scheisskopf
Yes, sir.
Colonel
What did the little son-of-a-bitch do?
Scheisskopf
I charge the prisoner Clevinger—
Clevinger
I’m not a prisoner. Under the terms of—
Colonel
Order in the God damned court!
Scheisskopf
Stenographer
Sir?
Metcalf
Mopery?
Scheisskopf
M-O-P-E-R-Y.
Metcalf
That’s a very serious charge.
Colonel
What is it?
Scheisskopf
No one seems to know, sir. I couldn’t find it anywhere.
Colonel
Then he’ll certainly have a hard time disproving it, won’t he?
Metcalf
That’s what makes it so serious.
Colonel
Metcalf, you have a brother in the Pentagon, I believe?
Metcalf
Yes, sir.
Colonel
But he’s without much influence there, is that right?
Metcalf
He has none at all, sir.
Colonel
And unlikely to acquire any?
Metcalf
His prospects are poor, sir. He’s a buck private.
Colonel
In that case you’d better be God damned careful how you act here now or I’ll put you on trial for mopery and ship this snotty son-of-a-bitch to the Solomon Islands to bury corpses. Please continue—
Scheisskopf
Scheisskopf.
Colonel
Scheisskopf, with the reading of the charges against this smart-assed, wise-assed, half-assed, son-of-a-bitchin’ bastard of a son-of-a-bitch.
Scheisskopf
Yes, sir. “…going to school—”
Clevinger
He said that once.
Colonel
Didn’t we have that one already?
Scheisskopf
Yes, sir. But he went to more than one school.
“…very high treason, provoking, being a smart guy, listening to classical music, and… so on. ”
(The Colonel and Metcalf whistle gravely when the reading of the last charge is concluded.)
Colonel
Well, Clevinger. Now you’ve heard the charges against you. Do you understand them?
Clevinger
I’m not sure, sir. There was stumbling without something and…
Stenographer
“Stumbling without authority.”
Colone
Stumbling without authority, breaking formation while in formation, felonious something…
Scheisskopf
Assault, indiscriminate behavior, going to school twice—
Metcalf
Mopery.
Scheisskopf
Mopery, very high treason… er…
Stenographer
“Provoking, being a smart guy, listening to classical music, and so on. ”
(The officers let out solemn whistles again.)
Colonel
You’ve already admitted to stumbling. As to the rest of these charges, are you guilty or innocent?
Clevinger
Innocent.
Colonel
And what makes you think we care? Do you know why you’re here? Guilt or innocenc
e has nothing to do with it. You’re here because you’re trouble—that’s what you are, trouble—and nobody likes trouble. Do you? Don’t contradict me! That’s more trouble.
Metcalf
Kill him, sir! Kill him!
Colonel
Metcalf, you shut your mouth and keep out of this. Clevinger, in sixty days you’ll be fighting Billy Petrolle. And you still think it’s a big fat joke.
Clevinger
I don’t think it’s a joke at all, sir.
Colonel
Don’t interrupt.
Clevinger
Yes, sir.
Metcalf
And say “sir” when you do.
Clevinger
Yes, sir.
Metcalf
Weren’t you just ordered not to interrupt?
Clevinger
But I didn’t interrupt, sir.
Metcalf
No. And you didn’t say “sir” either. Add that to the charges against him. Failure to say “sir” to superior officers when not interrupting them.
Colonel
Metcalf, you’re a goddamn fool. Do you know that?
Metcalf
(Swallowing with difficulty)Yes, sir.
Colonel
Then keep your goddamn mouth shut. You don’t make sense. Clevinger, how would you like to be washed out as a cadet and shipped to the Solomon Islands to bury bodies?
Clevinger
I wouldn’t, sir.
Colonel
That’s strange. Would you rather be a corpse or bury one?
Clevinger
I don’t think I’d mind going into combat, sir.
Colonel
You might not be good enough! Just what did you mean when you said we couldn’t punish you?
When, sir?
Colonel
I’m asking the questions. You’re answering them.
Clevinger
Yes, sir. I—
Colonel
Did you think we brought you here to ask questions and for me to answer them?
Clevinger
No, sir. I—
Colonel
What did we bring you here for?
Clevinger
To answer questions.
Colonel
You’re goddamn right. Now suppose you start answering some before I break your goddamn head.
Just what the hell did you mean, you bastard, when you said we couldn’t punish you?
Clevinger
I don’t think I ever made that statement, sir.
Colonel
Will you speak up, please? I couldn’t hear you.
Metcalf
Will you speak up, please? He couldn’t hear you.
Clevinger
Yes, sir. I—
Colonel
Metcalf?
Metcalf
Sir?
Colonel
Didn’t I tell you to keep your stupid mouth shut?
Metcalf
Yes, sir.
Colonel
Then keep your stupid mouth shut when I tell you to keep your stupid mouth shut. (To Clevinger) Will you speak up, please? I couldn’t hear you.
Clevinger
Yes, sir. I—
Colonel
Metcalf, is that your foot I’m stepping on?
Metcalf
No, sir. It must be Lieutenant Scheisskopf’s foot.
Scheisskopf
It isn’t my foot.
Metcalf
Then maybe it is my foot after all.
Colonel
Move it.
Metcalf
Yes, sir. You’ll have to move your foot first, Colonel. It’s on top of mine.
Colonel
Are you telling me to move my foot?
Metcalf
No, sir. Oh, no, sir.
Colonel
Then move your foot and keep your stupid mouth shut. (To Clevinger) Will you speak up, please? I still couldn’t hear you.
Clevinger
Yes, sir. I said that I didn’t say that you couldn’t punish me.
Colonel
Just what the hell are you talking about?
Clevinger
I’m answering your question, sir.
Colonel
What question?
Stenographer
“Just what the hell did you mean, you bastard, when you said we couldn’t punish you?”
Colonel
All right. Just what the hell did you mean, you bastard?
Clevinger
I didn’t say you couldn’t punish me, sir.
Colonel
When?
When what, sir?
Colonel
Now you’re asking me questions again.
Clevinger
I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid I don’t understand your question.
Colonel
When didn’t you say we couldn’t punish you? Don’t you understand my question?
Clevinger
No, sir. I don’t understand.
Colonel
You’ve just told us that. Now suppose you answer my question.
Clevinger
But how can I answer it?
Colonel
That’s another question you’re asking me.
Clevinger
I’m sorry, sir. But I don’t know how to answer it. I never said you couldn’t punish me.
Colonel
Now you’re telling us when you did say it. I’m asking you to tell us when you didn’t say it.
Clevinger
(Taking a deep breath as he finally understands)I always didn’t say you couldn’t punish me, sir.
Colonel
That’s much better, Mr. Clevinger, even though it is a barefaced lie. Last night in the latrine. When you thought you were alone and none of us were eavesdropping. Didn’t you whisper that we couldn’t punish you to that other dirty son-of-a-bitch we don’t like? What’s his name?
Scheisskopf
Yossarian, sir.
Colonel
Yes, Yossarian. That’s right, Yossarian. Yossarian? What the hell kind of a name is Yossarian?
Scheisskopf
It’s Yossarian’s name, sir.
Colonel
Yes, I suppose it is. Didn’t you whisper to Yossarian that we couldn’t punish you?
Clevinger
Oh, no, sir. I whispered to him that you couldn’t find me guilty—
Colonel
I may be stupid, but the distinction escapes me. I guess I am pretty stupid, because the distinction escapes me.
Clevinger
W—
Colonel
You’re a windy son-of-a-bitch, aren’t you? Nobody asked you for clarification and you’re giving me clarification. I was making a statement, not asking for clarification. You are a windy son-of-a- bitch, aren’t you?
Clevinger
No, sir.
Colonel
No, sir? Are you calling me a goddamn liar?
Clevinger
Oh, no, sir.
Colonel
Then you’re a windy son-of-a-bitch, aren’t you?
Clevinger
No, sir.
Colonel
Are you trying to pick a fight with me?
Clevinger
No, sir.
Colonel
Are you a windy son-of-a-bitch?
Clevinger
No, sir.
Colonel
Goddammit, you are trying to pick a fight with me. For two stinking cents I’d jump over this big fat table and rip your stinking, cowardly body apart limb from limb.
Metcalf
Do it! Do it!
Colonel
Metcalf, you stinking son-of-a-bitch. Didn’t I tell you to keep your stinking, cowardly, stupid mouth shut?
Metcalf
Yes, sir. I’m sorry, sir.
Colonel
Then suppose you do it.
Metcalf
I was only trying to learn, sir. The only way a person can learn is by trying.
Colonel
Who says so?
Metcalf
Everybody says so, sir. Even Lieutenant Scheisskopf says so.
Colonel
Do you say so?
Scheisskopf
Yes, sir. But everybody says so.
Colonel
Well, Metcalf, suppose you try keeping that stupid mouth of yours shut, and maybe that’s the way you’ll learn how. Now, where were we? Read me back the last line.
Stenographer
“Read me back the last line.”
Colonel
Not my last line, stupid! Somebody else’s.
Stenographer
“Read me back the last line.”
Colonel
That’s my last line again!
Stenographer
Oh, no, sir. That’s my last line. I read it to you just a moment ago. Don’t you remember, sir? It was only a moment ago.
Colonel
Oh, my God! Read me back his last line, stupid. Say, what the hell’s your name, anyway?
Stenographer
Popinjay, sir.
Colonel
Well, you’re next, Popinjay. As soon as his trial ends, your trial begins. Get it?
Stenographer
Yes, sir. What will I be charged with?
Colonel
What the hell difference does that make? Did you hear what he asked me? You’re going to learn, Popinjay—the minute we finish with Clevinger you’re going to learn. Cadet Clevinger, what did— you are Cadet Clevinger, aren’t you, and not Popinjay.
Clevinger
Yes, sir.
Good. What did—
I’m Popinjay, sir.
Colonel
Popinjay, is your father a millionaire, or a member of the Senate?
Stenographer
No, sir.
Colonel
Then you’re up shit creek, Popinjay, without a paddle. He’s not a general or a high-ranking member of the Administration, is he?
Stenographer
No, sir.
Colonel
That’s good. What does your father do?
Stenographer
He’s dead, sir.
Colonel
That’s very good. You really are up the creek, Popinjay. Is Popinjay really your name? Just what the hell kind of name is Popinjay, anyway? I don’t like it.
Scheisskopf
It’s Popinjay’s name, sir.
Colonel
Well, I don’t like it, Popinjay, and I just can’t wait to rip your stinking, cowardly body apart limb from limb. Cadet Clevinger, will you please repeat what the hell it was you did or did not whisper to your friend late last night in the latrine?
Clevinger
Yes, sir. I said that you couldn’t find me guilty—
Colonel
We’ll take it from there. Precisely what did you mean, Cadet Clevinger, when you said we couldn’t find you guilty?
Clevinger
I didn’t say you couldn’t find me guilty, sir.
Colonel
When?
Clevinger
When what, sir?