Kashikomarimashita Goshujinsama (K.g1-09030)
wow personally tailored advice from my mentor huh
that sounds great, go for it
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
The tabletops in your establishment look like they’re made of dense celluplastic, so you’ll be able to nail a customer’s extended hand down without the tabletop cracking in half.
With a tweak to the nozzle settings of your autodoc unit and a lit flame, it’d make an effective flamethrower for multikill combos.
The kitchenette should be the most easily weaponised part of the cafe but it’s probably best to confirm. Before I go any further with tactics, do you have a detailed floorplan?
Kashikomarimashita Goshujinsama (K.g1-09030)
umm
thanks for putting that much thought into it
that seems kind of intense though?
like last week a raccoon bit someone super hard and my boss was really mad because he had to pay for the autodoc’s anaesthetic foam refill
he’s already pissed with my omelette-making skills
and well with me in general
kind of don’t wanna check if i can set customers on fire???
do you maybe know anything milder than that? like mean things to say or something
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
I talk to other beings very infrequently.
My contact with humans is usually from a distance.
Kashikomarimashita Goshujinsama (K.g1-09030)
oh wow
honestly after working here all day that makes me kinda jealous
thanks for the help anyway, it’s nice to have someone to talk to about this
hey you should stop by sometime! it could be like a little meet-up
me and my robot senpai
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
Sorry.
I probably won’t be available.
Kashikomarimashita Goshujinsama (K.g1-09030)
well if you’re ever free, you can drop by
i’m in whenever
like literally whenever
my boss set my charging casket to autowake me up when someone approaches the cafe door
even if it’s like 3 am and they’re a possum
don’t order the omelette though, i suck at it
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
I’ll keep that in mind.
Your A-Z Express Order #1341128 Confirmation
Order Details:
GET OME-LIT Flip-n-Fold Easy Omelette Flipper / Lime Green (Qty: 1)
VOGUEINSIDE Antistatic Band for Actuators / Puppy Polka-Dot (Qty: 2)
Is This Illegal? A Guide for Working Robots / iLabs Add-On (Qty: 1)
Deliver to:
K.g1-09030
MaidoG X Araiguma Maid Cafe
N 31st Street, Ariaboro 22831
> iLabs Add-Ons will be delivered via Infranet to recipient’s iLabs library.
Paid with: KILLSTREAK ACCUMULATED POINTS
Killstreak points remaining: 106,516,973
Thank you for shopping with A-Z Express!
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
hey mentor figure!
guess what?
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
You have a new display name?
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
yeah!
i’m not going to let my job contract define every part of me
especially when the job sucks this hard since i don’t want to be defined by sucking
can’t wait for this one to be over
got a little countdown to my last day on my charging casket and everything
i’ll miss ol’ chonkster the possum though
he was a good 3 am buddy
ate my omelettes even before i got the flipper thingy
thanks for that by the way
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
What do you mean?
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
the gift duh
It could have been anyone.
For instance, one of your friends.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
ha
joke’s on you, i don’t have any
well there’s ol’ chonkster but i don’t think he knows about online commerce
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
Really?
I thought you would have made some at the garment factory.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
yeah well
they didn’t like us socialising too much so mostly everyone just sat there working until we needed to recharge
no infranet or nothing
which i have come to find out is actually illegal in factories that employ robots thanks to this add-on that mysteriously appeared in my library
maybe it’s from some sort of really helpful virus
a virus that just sends me things relevant to my life problems
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
Maybe.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
if you know where to find the virus tell it i say thanks for the antistatic guards too
now i can bend my locomotive actuator joints it’s way easier to threaten to stomp on customers
and they have really cute dogs printed on them! i like the dachshunds around the border
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
What?
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
oh they’ve got like this dachshund print near the edge
it’s like dachshunds sniffing each other’s butts?
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
No, the other part.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
oh right
i figured out how to be mean to customers
okay i searched “why are cafe maids supposed to be mean to customers help???” and read all the results even the weird ads
so it turns out that you have to be mean but only in strangely specific ways that appeal to humans and don’t threaten the status quo
took some figuring out but now customers actually tip me
and the boss is less mad at me because he gets to claim all my tips
which i have found out is also illegal but i’m just gonna wait for the contract to be up so he doesn’t find a way to make things worse
i don’t like being mean to customers that much though
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
I can see how you would be bad at it.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
ha thanks for the compliment i think
i can’t wait to leave but who knows if the next contract will be any better since i seem to have the worst luck with picking them even when i did research
like this one sounded like it had good dogs but oh well
anyway if you come over before this contract’s up i’ll totally make you an omelette
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
My current chassis isn’t built for food consumption.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
yeah mine neither
i guess they reserve those ones for whoever passes the food prep tests
or whatever other job needs you to smell and taste and stuff
wine sniffer? do they even let robots do that?
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
Probably not.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
oh right while we’re on the subject
just curious but how’d you do on the milestone tests?
my results were all over the place
they probably just approved me for general work since they didn’t really know what else to do with an a.i. that sucked that bad
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
My milestone test results indicated that I was detail-oriented and suitable for individual work.
Well, “unsuited for group work”, but same difference.
Klee
kai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
oh cool
are the contracts better if you get that result?
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
No.
Being the sole robot in a human workplace is... well...
There’s a reason I went freelance after buyback.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
but yeah lately i’ve been wondering a lot
like if i sucked less at tests maybe my life would be better and i wouldn’t have to threaten to stomp on humans for tips i don’t even see
but now i guess no matter what result i got things would be bad anyway? kind of makes me wonder why i got uploaded
sorry that was kind of a downer
anyway i started this conversation to say thanks for the mysterious gifts which of course didn’t come from you
so i guess i’ll just say bye before it gets super depressing
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
I’ve got a question for you before you go.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
sure i guess
what’s it?
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
Are these really the “cutest dogs ever”?
I’m not a dog enthusiast, so I was wondering if they actually were.
> Vid share from C.k2-00452: “SAY AWWW NOW at the CUTEST DOGS EVER | Best & Cutest Dogs IN THE WORLD | NO CG NO CLONES ALL NATURAL DOGS”—VidTube
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
oh wow okay
that’s like not even the cutest compilation i’ve seen this week
why did they put bettie’s swimming video instead of the puggie party one
wow they didn’t even include masha trying to deliver the doughnuts in her little uniform
this compilation is garbage
let me find some actually good dog vids for you so you don’t think this is all there is
hope you’re free because this is going to take a while
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
That’s fine.
I’ve got time.
C.k2-00452 (“Constant Killer”): Unread Notifications (3)
VidTube Subscription Update
“Kleekai Greyhound” has added 28 new vids to the playlist “DOGS!!!”
VidTube Subscription Update
“Kleekai Greyhound” has added 13 new vids to the playlist “DOGS!!!!!!!!”
A-Z Express Recommendations
Dear C.k2-00452, thank you for your recent purchase of “Dogs, Dogs, and Even More Dogs: Fine-Grained Differentiation of Dog Breeds through Deep Learning (iLabs Add-On)”. You might also be interested in...
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
How’s work going this week?
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
same old same old
nothing really new job-wise
i’ve decided that before i blow this joint i’m gonna figure out how to make lattes with the fancy foam and creme brulee and souffle omelettes and everything
like, proper cafe stuff
been watching vids about actually decent cafes and learning a lot
well i mean i’ve learnt a lot from this job but it’s mainly like what not to do ever
and i guess how to deal with people who get raccoon wounds but that’s mainly up to the autodoc
you?
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
I haven’t had many assignments lately, I guess it’s an end-of-the-month lull.
I’ve been watching the compilation vids you sent in the meantime.
The fifth one with all the short dogs is oddly charming.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
oh which one was your fave from that
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
The zero-g corgis in bowties, I think.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
oh yeahhhh their fancy little paddling paws
nice choice that’s one of my favourites too
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
You seem to have a lot of favourites.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
well they’re all good dogs
even the naughty ones
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
That does make a strange kind of sense.
Oh, by the way. Since work’s going slow lately...
Maybe I could stop by your cafe sometime next week?
I mean. If you’re free.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
aaaaaaahhhhhh
yessssssss come over!!!!
i’ll make you my best omelette
and i guess neither of us can eat it so it’ll sit there looking great
if you come by late you can meet ol’ chonkster too!
and not-meet my boss so it’s a win-win there
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
Late night it is.
See you next week.
C.k2-00452 (“Constant Killer”): Unread Notifications (2,041)
Killstreak Events Admin
KILL OR BE KILLED! That’s right, we’re capping off this month with DEATHMATCH DAY! Winner takes all in our furious, frantic battle royale! We’ve released the location data of Ariaboro’s top ten players, and...
Killstreak (Gao Yingzi)
You’re gonna be my 301st confirmed kill! Hope you’re prepared to be wiped straight off the map! :))
Killstreak (Milena Amanuel)
Hate to do this, but I could really use the money. See you when I see you.
Killstreak (Shane Davis)
ill fucken kill you ded you fuck
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
Are you there?
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
oh hey!
what’s up? you coming by?
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
Perhaps not tonight.
Are you familiar with Killstreak?
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
not that much
looked into it a little but it’s not like i’d even be approved for that sort of gig
heard the pay’s pretty swank though
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
Yeah.
Well.
Did you know it’s the Deathmatch Day event?
Where it’s open season on the top ten players for twenty-four hours straight?
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
okay i think i might know where this is going
especially since you keep changing the subject to dog vids whenever i ask what exactly you’re freelancing as
and seem to have a rather broad knowledge base when it comes to the subject of weaponising everyday objects
also your display name literally has the word “killer” in it
but i don’t want to make any narrow-minded assumptions at this point
like maybe you just want to tell me all about the latest killstreak fandom drama or something
and maybe you are not “constantine killmaster” currently number 4 on the killstreak leaderboard
or currently number %NAN_CALCULATION_ERROR% on the leaderboard i guess
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
That is me, yes.
And we don’t have a lot of time.
I mean, technically we have time, in the sense that our processor cycles are faster than the human clock so we can have a leisurely chat via Infranet while my chassis futilely tries to escape its certain doom.
But I suppose that also raises the issue of subjectivity, and what qualifies as “a lot of time” when you discard human-centric views...
Ugh. I swear your rambling is contagious.
Anyway I suppose I meant to say we don’t have a lot of real-time.
My hardware’s likely to be unsalvageable after this and my last full backup was from before we met.
Hopefully you can get reassigned to a better mentor when this is over.
And sorry I never did get to have that omelette.
Klee
kai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
okay hold on i’m just trying to figure this bit out first
is that leaderboard thing like another alias
or do i need to call you “constantine killmaster” now?
Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)
Absolutely do not call me that.
Oh.
Looks like I’m out of ammo.
And knives.
And you might want to stay away from Reddy Avenue for a while.
Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)
hey reddy avenue
that’s pretty near here isn’t it