On the other hand, your redraft seems not to address a few of our concerns. While we may have appeared overly critical in our notes concerning your first draft, our intent was to help you continue polishing that effort. The emerging view of your current work is that you are now working on a completely different project. And while we can agree this new project is quite entertaining, we were wondering what happened to all the other characters and plot points we had originally discussed.
If we are correct in piecing together the balled-up cigarette papers this draft was submitted on, it seems you are now working on a pilot script entitled The Lone Ranger Is a Fag. If that is correct, Mr. Bruce, I must make you aware of ABC's strenuous objection. A masked man fighting crime as the Lone Ranger is a wonderful idea, but unfortunately one that already exists—first on radio and then as a very successful television program. The legal eagles here at ABC have asked me to make it clear that we do not condone plagiarism in any form. We must officially state that if you are committed to this Lone Ranger Is a Fag script we will no longer be able to continue our involvement in the project.
If you would, however, permit us to change the name of the lead character from the Lone Ranger to the "Single Horseman," we might have interest in pursuing this new script. We all very much liked the crime-fighting angle. Also we would prefer if you would change this Single Horseman character into a heterosexual. This small change would fix the Single Horseman's currently problematic relationship with his partner in crime fighting, the Indian Tonto. Whom we would now like you to call Ronto.
Again, Mr. Bruce, please just take these suggestions as bricks to help you build ... buildings.
Oh, and before I forget: You mistakenly enclosed a grainy black-and-white photograph in the envelope with your script. It is, I believe, a picture of a woman checking her dog's genitals for ticks, using what appears to be her mouth. The scribbled inscription says, "Greetings from Miss America" and also that the dog's name is Fred. I am sending it back to you with the hope that its disappearance caused you no worry, as I imagine it may have sentimental value.
DATE: May 11, 1961
FROM: F. Silverman, President, ABC
TO: Jack Sobel, agent and attorney for L. Bruce
RE: The incident
It is with great regret we must inform you of the termination of Mr. Bruce's contract with the American Broadcasting Company. We understand he had some issues with the creative process, but we don't feel it was handled appropriately. The circus atmosphere he created by showing up at our offices naked made it nearly impossible to focus on his grievances. We do apologize for his untimely fall from our third-floor window. Our security can be overly zealous.
I can also assure Mr. Bruce that I was not spawned from an unholy tryst involving Senator McCarthy and Mother Cabrini. My people are actually from Massapequa. Good luck in your future endeavors.
• • •
The untitled Lenny Bruce project was subsequently sold to CBS. It was assigned to Sheldon Leonard and on October 3, 1961, it debuted as The Dick Van Dyke Show. Lenny Bruce died on August 3, 1966. At the time of his death he was working on a pilot for a children's show about the perils of our legal system called Uncle Lenny's Guide to All Things Penal. The show was set for a fall slot on ABC.
MICROSOFT WORD '98 SUGGESTED SPELLING AND USAGE
IF, DURING THE reading of this book, you found yourself confused by certain language and usage, you are not alone. In fact the computer program I used to write the book often argued vehemently with me over some of my choices. Here is a list of the words that were problematic as well as the computer's suggestions. Feel free to go back and replace the words I used with the computer's corrections.
ME, WRONG—MICROSOFT SUGGESTION
Kaftan—CAFTAN
Caftan—KAFTAN
Wilford Brimley—WILLARD BRAMBLY
Moishe the Barback—MOIST THE BAREBACK, MOOCH THE BARRACK
Portnoy's Complaint—PORTION'S COMPLAINT, PROTON'S COMPLAINT
J. D. Salinger—J. D. SLANDER
Web site—WEBSTER
Fellating—FELTING
Whupped—WHAPPED, WHIPPED, WHOOPED
Jewey—DEWEY
Geraldo—GERALD
Kathie Lee Gifford—KATHY LEE GIFFORD
Barbra Streisand—BARBARA STREISAND
Ozzy Ozborne—OOZY OZBORNE
Jerry Seinfeld—JERRY SNIFFLED, JERRY SNIVELED
Carrot Top—CARTOON
Davy Crockett—DAVY CROCKER
Lenny Bruce—LEANNE BRUCE, LEONINE BRUCE
Schmuck—SCHICK, SCHLOCK, SCHECK
Yid—D, YIN, YIP
Shiksa—SHEIKS, SHAKES
Oy Vey—OYO VERY, OXY VEX
Tu padre tiene mucho pelo en su pinga—TU PADRE TINE MUCH
Ay Caramba—ET CARMAKER, AYE CRUMB
Shitler—TILTER, HITLER, WHITTLER
Loni Anderson—LOIN ANDERSON, LOON ANDERSON COLLEGIAL
Caligula—COLLEGIAL
Hyannis Port—HYENAS PORT
Mr. Feelyhands—NO SUGGESTIONS
Cocksucker—NO SUGGESTIONS
Chickenshit—NO SUGGESTIONS
Alan Dershowitz—NO SUGGESTIONS
Der Führer—DOUR FURRIER
Cockblock—CHOCKABLOCK
John Tesh—JOHN TECH, JOHN TEST
Bennigans ‑ BENIGN
Dachau—DASH, DASHER
Harpo Marx—HARPOON MARX
Fuckee Suckee—FUQUA SUCKLE
Leonid Brezhnev—LEANED BERGEN
Al Haig—AL HAG, AL HAIR
Henry Kissinger—HENRY KISSING, HENRY COSIGNER
Table of Contents
NAKED
PICTURES
OF
FAMOUS
PEOPLE
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
CONTENTS
BREAKFAST AT KENNEDY'S
A VERY HANSON CHRISTMAS, 1996-1999
LACK OF POWER: THE FORD TAPES
MARTHA STEWART'S VAGINA
THE NEW JUDAISM
PEN PALS
LOCAL NEWS
THE LAST SUPPER, OR THE DEAD WAITER
DA VINCI: THE LOST NOTEBOOK
THE CULT
FIVE UNDER FIVE
THE RECIPE
THE DEVIL AND WILLIAM GATES
VINCENT AND THEO ON AOL
REVENGE IS A DISH BESTSERVED COLD
ADOLF HITLER:THE LARRY KING INTERVIEW
LENNY BRUCE:THE MAKING OF A SITCOM
MICROSOFT WORD '98 SUGGESTEDSPELLING AND USAGE