A Dreadful Fairy Book

assignment . . .

  Oh, I do so wish I could have said, “And they all lived happily ever after!” at the end of that last chapter. Partly because I would finally be done with this dreadfully inappropriate tale, but mostly because that’s how one is supposed to end stories like these. It’s just what one does! But, no, the wretched writer of this story, contrary to the end, refused.

  “Nobody lives happily ever after,” the old curmudgeon grumbled when I tried to gently correct him. “If you’re lucky, you live mostly happy after. Regularly happy after. But ever after? Nope.”

  So you see what I’m up against here. But I do have the following to share: At the end of our tale, Shade had a job in the library and a small room crammed full of books to call her own, from which she enlisted the services of Anthony o’ the Wisp and the rest of his “Wisps of Good Will” to lead scholars through the woods to the Pleasant Hollow branch of the library. Chauncey built a lovely inn by the river where Glatis remained to sleep by the fire and protect the place, retreating into one of Chauncey’s many vacations whenever a quester chanced by. The good Sir Justinian had a cause to devote himself to, which gave Grouse something to regularly complain about. And the Professor and Ginch, well, they returned to Gypsum and wandered elsewhere from there, cheating at cards and stealing whatever they could fit in their pockets (which is an awful lot in the Professor’s case). I can’t say that I approve of their choices, but the two enjoyed themselves immensely.

  In short, all those that we have come to care about in this story were, for at least one brief moment, all happy at the same time. Such a rare and wonderful occurrence is definitely cause for celebration and perhaps the best way to conclude this, our otherwise quite dreadful, fairy book.

  The End

  • Acknowledgments •

  (Jon)

  It would probably be impossible to thank everyone who helped bring this book into the world, so if you think you should be thanked here and aren’t, you’re probably right, I apologize and hope you take some comfort in knowing you aren’t alone in being slighted.

  First and foremost, I have to thank my wonderful wife, Nikki. She was the one who told me a couple years ago, “You should write that fairy book. Your kids are still little and might really enjoy it.” She was right, as she usually is about things. I also need to thank my children, Evelyn and Jack, for listening to and reading my story, actually liking it, laughing at the funny bits, and telling me what bits needed to be funnier. So much of who I am comes from all the books I devoured and all the time I spent roaming libraries as a child, so thanks, Mom and Dad, for all you did to create and nurture my love of literature and libraries.

  Outside of my family, the person most responsible for this book and almost everything else I’ve written is my great friend, Drew Bequette. Drew, your dedication to writing and your courage to pursue your literary dreams have inspired me, your encouragement and support have helped sustain me, and your friendship means the world to me. Thank you for everything. And thanks to Julie Bequette, their two darling children, Andy and Penny Bender, and their three darling children for being wonderful friends to me and my family and some of Dreadful Fairy’s biggest cheerleaders.

  A lot of people were kind enough to read my little book on its long journey from first draft to print, all of whom made it better thanks to their feedback and encouragement, including, but not limited to, my dear friend and favorite poet Sylvia Cavanaugh and the Bayview Writers Group (Kristine Hansen, Lisa Kaiser, Elke Sommers, Sheila Julson, Michael Timm, Neill Kleven, and Brooke McEwen). You people are awesome!

  None of my efforts, even with that overwhelming and thoroughly undeserved amount of help, would have come to anything if it hadn’t been for my fantastic agent, Adria Goetz and all the amazing people at Amberjack Publishing: Dayna Anderson, Cassandra Farrin, Cherrita Lee, Kayla Church, and Joel Barton. Thank you all for making my childhood dream of someday having a book sit on shelves in libraries come true.

  Finally, I need to thank you, the readers, for taking the time to read this. I hope you enjoyed it.

  —Jon Etter

  The Grand Library, Elfame, June 2018

  • Bitter Recriminations •

  (Quacksworth)

  This whole narrating assignment has been such an unpleasant ordeal, that I’d like to take this opportunity to chastise everyone that Mr. Etter has just thanked. Shame on you all for aiding and abetting this affront to all that is good and proper in children’s literature!

  —Quentin Quigley Quacksworth, Esq.

  Quacksworth Manor (AKA “The Quacksworthery”)

  Swiffington Downs, Bumbleshire, June 2018

  • About Jon Etter •

  Hailing from the great American Midwest, Jon Etter has taught in Wisconsin public schools for over twenty years. When not teaching or attempting to domesticate his two children, Jon has written tales for a number of anthologies and journals. He loved every minute of working on A Dreadful Fairy Book that wasn’t spent with Quentin Q. Quacksworth, whom Jon describes as “the opposite of fun.” For more about Jon, visit him on the web at www.jonetter.com.

  • About Quentin Quigley •

  Quacksworth, Esq.

  In his storied, 43-year career as a professional narrator, Mr. Quacksworth has worked on many wonderful, proper pieces of literature, including Nanny Pleasantry’s Tales of Virtue, Inspiration, and Personal Improvement; Lovey Tumkins and the Pleasant and Helpful Wee Folk; and Honest Jim and the Do-Right Lads, the last of which earned him the much-coveted Blabby Award from the International Academy of Narrators. His greatest regret, professional or personal, is his involvement with Jon Etter, whom he describes as “a pugnacious purveyor of puerile prose,” and A Dreadful Fairy Book, which he strongly urges publishers, parents, teachers, and librarians to keep out of the hands of children.

  • About Adam Horsepool •

  Adam Horsepool is an illustrator and animator living and working in Nottingham, UK. His favorite children’s book (besides this dreadful one) is Fantastic Mr. Fox by Roald Dahl, and his favorite illustrator is Ryan Lang. To see more of Adam’s art, visit him on Instagram @_horse_animation_.