PINOCCHIO
It’s from Jack and Jill. They feel their property is too steep to be safe and would like to trade it for another plot of land.
FEROCIA
The ingrates. Give them [name of rival town or school].
Prince Jack and Luna enter.
FEROCIA (CONT’D)
Did I miss something? Is this bring-an-urchin-to-work day? Honestly, Jack, your little. . .sidekick. . .can wait outside with all the other minions waiting to brighten their lives with a glimpse of me. . .
PRINCE JACK
Aunt Ferocia, you’ll never guess what I’ve decided to do. I’m going to throw a ball. I want everyone in the kingdom invited!
(to Luna)
Come on. We’ve got a lot to do.
They exit.
FEROCIA
I think this is a splendid idea.
PINOCCHIO
You. . .you do?
FEROCIA
Of course. And Pinocchio -- you heard my nephew. EVERYONE in the kingdom -- EVERYONE -- is to be invited.
PINOCCHIO
You mean. . .?
FEROCIA
EXACTLY.
SCENE 10: The bear cave
The Hairy Godmother steps onto the side of the stage; Pinocchio walks in circles as the scenery gets changed.
HAIRY GODMOTHER
So the little wooden puppet --
PINOCCHIO
I’m a real BOY!
HAIRY GODMOTHER
Yeah, whatever -- marched bravely through the Enchanted Forest to the lair of the three bears, and their overgrown houseguest. . .
Pinocchio knocks on the door, and Mama Bear answers it.
MAMA BEAR
You’re too early.
She slams the door; Papa Bear answers it.
PAPA BEAR
You’re too late.
Slams door; Baby Bear opens it.
BABY BEAR
(flirting)
I think you’re JUUUUUUST on time.
PINOCCHIO
Yeah? You wanna go see a movie this weekend? No strings attached. . .
Jean-Claude pushes Baby Bear out of the way.
JEAN-CLAUDE
Can I help you?
PINOCCHIO
I’m here to speak to --
He breaks off as the giant appears.
HUGO
What do YOU want?
PINOCCHIO
I. . .I. . .um. . .
He shoves the invitation at Jean-Claude and runs away.
JEAN-CLAUDE
Ouch! He gave me a splinter!
(reading)
We’ve been invited to a ball.
HUGO
Very funny. What does it really say?
JEAN-CLAUDE
See for yourself.
HUGO
(reading the paper)
It’s a trap.
BABY BEAR
Mama, can we go? Do you think that cute puppet who was just here will be at the ball too?
PINOCCHIO (O.S.)
I’M A REAL BOY!
JEAN-CLAUDE
Hang on a second. If everyone in the kingdom is going to be there, then everyone in the kingdom will have the chance to see that you’re civilized -- not a terrifying, hideous beast. And who knows? Maybe there’s a jolie fille looking for a man who can reach the highest kitchen shelf!
HUGO
I’m not going.
JEAN-CLAUDE
But master, you --
HUGO
Leave me be. All of you!
He runs away.
SCENE 11: Town of Hanoveria
DURING SCENE CHANGE:
NEWSBOY
Royal ball tonight! Tickets going fast!
SONG 10: ROYAL BALL
ALL:
Fasten your finest diamonds, iron your gown.
We’re getting ready for a night on the town.
Dancing and singing in that big royal hall.
We’re gonna have a ball!
Wonder if they’ll serve a meal for lunch.
Wonder if they’ll spike the cranberry punch.
Wonder if I’ll get to dance with the queen.
Can’t wait to see and to be seen!
Fasten your finest diamonds, iron your gown.
We’re getting ready for a night on the town.
Dancing and singing in that big royal hall.
We’re gonna have a ball!
Wonder if all of the bathtubs are gold.
Wouldn’t that be quite a sight to behold?
Wonder if I’ll cut the rug with the prince.
Can’t wait to drop a couple hints!
DANCE BREAK
. . .The style!. . .The smile!
. . .The face!. . .Your Grace!
. . .The dress!. . .Success!
I’ve always thought I’d make great royalty,
grafted right onto that family tree.
A turn on the dance floor, a few fancy spins;
this could be how it all begins!
Fasten your finest diamonds, iron your gown.
We’re getting ready for a night on the town.
Dancing and singing in that big royal hall.
We’re gonna have a ball!
We’re gonna have a ball!
SCENE 12: The Enchanted Forest. There is a sign that says
CASTLE (one way) and SCARY PLACE (other way).
HUMPTY DUMPTY sits on a wall, wearing a Harley-Davidson jacket. Felicity enters.
FELICITY
The ball started an hour ago. . .but I’m lost. If only I could find someone who could point me in the right direction. . .
(spies Humpty)
Oh no! Don’t jump!
HUMPTY DUMPTY
What’s life without a thrill, man?! That’s why I’ve been coasting the coast on my Harley -- without a helmet. Live free or die, man!
FELICITY
Could you direct me to the castle?
HUMPTY DUMPTY
I think it’s that way.
(points)
Unless it’s that way.
(points)
Sorry -- after inhaling all that exhaust, I’m a little bit scrambled.
FELICITY
Hang on a second, aren’t you Humpty Dumpty? Didn’t you have a bad fall?
HUMPTY DUMPTY
Yeah, but it was an AWESOME summer.
(laughing)
Sometimes I crack myself up! Whatsa matter? Can’t you take a yolk?
He falls backward.
HUMPTY DUMPTY (CONT’D)
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
FELICITY
Oh no! Should I call all the king’s horses and all the king’s men?
HUMPTY DUMPTY
No, you dimwit! Call 911!
FELICITY
Help! Help!
As she’s running, the SCARY MUSIC (SONG 11) starts, and trees come out behind her, and WOLVES crawl up the aisles of the audience.
FELICITY (CONT’D)
Oh no. . .I think I’m even more lost than I was when I started. . .
The wolves close in on her, dancing around her.
She screams and goes down beneath their fangs and claws. Just then, Hugo arrives and throws them off Felicity. He lifts her into his arms and carries her offstage.
ACT TWO
SCENE 1: Ferocia’s castle
Full cast mills about at the ball.
Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella come forward.
SNOW WHITE
I cannot believe I finally get a night out of the house and I have to bring the kids with me. Which reminds me -- have you seen Grumpy and Sneezy?
EUNICE
(shrieks)
Ewww! What’s that frog doing in the punch bowl!?
GRUMPY & SNEEZY
The backstroke!
SNOW WHITE
Grumpy. . .Sneezy! I told you. . .no pets allowed out of th
e cottage!
She hurries off, grabs her children’s hands, and moves away.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
So, now that we’re here, what do you want to do first?
CINDERELLA
(looking around)
The bathrooms. Then the dusting, and I’ll finish up with the vacuuming.
Luna and Prince Jack enter.
PRINCE JACK
Leo, why isn’t Felicity here yet?
As Jack searches for Felicity, Li’l Red From The Hood approaches.
LI’L RED FROM THE HOOD
Yo. . .like the grills. You go to [name of local orthodontist] too?
(beat)
I’m Li’l Red From The Hood. Word.
PRINCE JACK
Um, hello.
LI’L RED FROM THE HOOD
Fo’ shizzle.
GOLDILOCKS approaches.
GOLDILOCKS
Beat it, Red.
LI’L RED FROM THE HOOD
(to Jack)
Facebook me, homey. . .
GOLDILOCKS
Hi, Jack. Remember me? You caught me breaking into the castle once?
PRINCE JACK
Goldilocks?
GOLDILOCKS
I knew you wouldn’t be able to forget.
LI’L RED FROM THE HOOD
That’s because you’re on all those WANTED posters, fool.
GOLDILOCKS
FYI, it’s a misdemeanor!
The OLD WOMAN WHO LIVES IN A SHOE approaches.
OLD WOMAN WHO LIVES IN A SHOE
Look, sonny, I’m gonna give it to you straight. In this economy, I had to downsize to a flip-flop. I may not be as young as these two, but I get a senior discount at [name of local movie theater]!
PRINCE JACK
Ladies. . .excuse me. . .
A commotion, as Pinocchio runs in carrying a bloody cloak.
PRINCE JACK (CONT’D)
That’s Felicity’s!
PINOCCHIO
I found it in the Enchanted Forest.
FEROCIA
The only beast capable of that kind of destruction is the giant.
Everyone gasps.
LUNA
I’m sorry, Prince Jack.
PRINCE JACK
I don’t believe it.
(beat)
Don’t you see, Leo? This is all part of the fairy tale. The middle bit, where the hero is tested before he gets the girl! We’ll hunt down the giant and find her!
SONG 12: THE HUNT SONG
GROUP 1:
Grab a pitchfork. Grab a rake.
Grab whatever you can take.
Time to fight, for heaven’s sake,
tonight.
We are standing side by side.
Cannot be preoccupied.
We will not be terrified
tonight.
No time to misunderstand,
offer up a reprimand.
He has blood upon his hand
tonight.
It will take us all to make a giant fall.
GROUP 2:
We will hunt the giant.
We have heard the wake-up call.
It’s long past the time
to make him fall.
JACK & LUNA:
Now at last a golden opportunity
to show the one I love how much s/he means to me.
I will not stop until s/he sees
That I love him/her above all.
COMBINED
COMBINED FASTER
At the end, everyone leaves but Ferocia and Pinocchio.
FEROCIA
Well, that’s a stroke of luck. Pinocchio, come along. It’s my favorite time of the day -- when I walk through the [name of local business] parking lot and tow away the cars of people who aren’t inside shopping.
As they exit, Ferocia smacks into the Hairy Godmother.
FEROCIA (CONT’D)
Pinocchio, make a note -- the kingdom needs bigger bug zappers.
HAIRY GODMOTHER
I’m not a mosquito. I’m a hairy godmother.
PINOCCHIO
Don’t you mean a FAIR-
HAIRY GODMOTHER
It’s a TYPO!
They shrug and exit.
HAIRY GODMOTHER (CONT’D)
Meanwhile, in a cave far, far away. . .
SCENE 2: The bear cave
The three bears, Jean-Claude, and Hugo stare at Felicity, who’s fast asleep.
MAMA BEAR
Someone’s been sleeping in my bed.
PAPA BEAR
Someone’s been sleeping in MY bed.
BABY BEAR
Someone’s been --
JEAN-CLAUDE
Oui, we have all heard it before. There’s an unconscious girl on your pillow. Get over it.
HUGO
I should have left her in the Enchanted Forest.
JEAN-CLAUDE
Well, maybe not. Perhaps this is a lucky break. It is not often that a beautiful girl comes to the cave.
Felicity STIRS and SIGHS.
JEAN-CLAUDE (CONT’D)
She is waking up! Quickly, get ready! Remember what we practiced!
HUGO
This won’t work.
FELICITY
Wh. . .where am I?
JEAN-CLAUDE
Places, everyone!
(beat)
Bonjour, Mademoiselle. I am Jean-Claude, and we would like to welcome you to. . .our little château. True, it may not be Versailles, but it beats the [name of a run-down local establishment]!
SONG 13: HOME SWEET HOME
JEAN-CLAUDE:
I know that you feel scared and alone,
feel like you are on your own.
I know that you think this is the end.
My lady you are among friends.
SACRE BLEU!
JEAN-CLAUDE & THREE BEARS:
Though we know your fate is scary,
no need to be solitary.
As you see us all performing,
think of this as your housewarming.
This is our home, sweet home.
Please do feel free to roam. As it will soon be known,
Home, sweet home!
So there’s cobwebs in the corner.
Please don’t feel like you’re a foreigner.
If the ambience is lacking,
that’s no reason to start packing.
This is our home, sweet home.
Please do feel free to roam.
As it will soon be known,
Home, sweet home!