ASTRID
Boris Levitsky’s stunning Scandinavian au pair.
LADY BADDINGHAM
Much admired ex-wife of Tony Baddingham, the fiendish ex-chairman of Corinium Television.
BENNY BASANOVICH
A very tiresome Russian-French pianist who can only play fortissimo.
BARRY THE BASS
Principal Bass, RSO.
MRS BATESON
A music lover who befriends Marcus Campbell-Black.
JAMES BENSON
A very expensive private doctor.
BIANCA
An adorable Colombian orphan.
MRS BODKIN
Rupert Campbell-Black’s ancient housekeeper.
ROSALIE BRANDON
A bossyboots attached to the London office of Shepherd Denston, the music agents.
MILES BRIAN-KNOWLES
Detested deputy-managing director of the RSO, a snake in furry caterpillar’s clothing, who is after Mark Carling’s job.
DAVIE BUCKLE
A beaming bruiser and RSO timpanist.
EDDIE CAMPBELL-BLACK
Rupert’s father, an unreformed rake, just emerged from a fifth marriage and raring to go.
RUPERT CAMPBELL-BLACK
Ex-world show-jumping champion, now one of the world’s leading owner-trainers. Still Mecca for most women.
TAGGIE CAMPBELL-BLACK
Rupert’s wife — an angel and the apple of his once roving eye.
MARCUS CAMPBELL-BLACK
Rupert’s son by his first marriage. A pianist whose path to the top is only impeded by asthma and nerves, both chiefly induced by his father.
TABITHA CAMPBELL-BLACK
A ravishing tearaway. Rupert’s daughter, also by his first wife.
CANDY
A comely rank-and-file RSO viola player.
LINDY CARDEW
The mettlesome wife of Rutminster’s planning officer.
MARK CARLING
Beleaguered managing director of the RSO.
HAN CHAI
A very young Korean contestant in the Appleton Piano Competition.
TONY CHARLTON
The indefatigable and perennially cheerful stage manager of the RSO. Known as ‘Charlton Handsome’.
MISS CHATTERTON
Marcus Campbell-Black’s piano teacher, known as ‘Chatterbox’.
LADY CHISLEDON
A lusty old trout and member of the RSO board.
CHRISSIE
An obsequious Northern Television minion.
CLARE
Another very pretty RSO rank-and-file viola player, also the orchestra Sloane.
CLARISSA
Principal Cello, RSO.
CLIVE
Rannaldini’s sinister black-leather-clad henchman.
THE BISHOP OF COTCHESTER
Another silly old fossil.
CRYSTELLE
A bullying beautician from Parker and Parker’s department store.
OLD CYRIL
Fourth Horn, RSO. Heavy drinker. Onetime great player.
HOWARD DENSTON
Wideboy partner in Shepherd Denston, the toughest music agents in New York.
HOWIE DENSTON
Howard’s son, a mega-manipulator, who runs the London office.
NICHOLAS DIGBY
The harassed orchestra manager, or ‘fixer’ of the RSO, who has the unenviable task of getting the right number or players on and off the platform. Known as ‘Knickers’.
MRS DIGGORY
Heroic cleaner of the Celtic Mafia’s Bordello.
DIZZY
DMITRI
A lyrical and lachrymose cellist, later Principal Cello of the RSO.
BLUE DONOVAN
Second Horn of the RSO — blue-eyed Irishman of great charm, who covers for Viking O’Neill, both on the platform and in life. Founder member of Viking’s gang, known as the ‘Celtic Mafia’.
DIXIE DOUGLAS
A Glaswegian hunk, whose light duties as an RSO trombone player leave him rather too much time to hell-raise and troublemake. Another member of the Celtic Mafia.
MRS EDWARDS
Helen Campbell-Black’s underworked cleaner.
ELDRED
A beleaguered Principal Clarinet.
ERNESTO
A bribable Italian judge at the Appleton Piano Competition.
FRANCIS FAIRCHILD
Second Desk First Violin of the RSO nicknamed the ‘Good Loser? because he’s always mislaying his possessions.
LIONEL FIELDING
Leader of the RSO. A vainglorious narcissist.
HUGO DE GINÈSTRE
The charming, chivalrous, French-Canadian Co-leader of the RSO.
GISELA
Sir Rodney Macintosh’s cherishing housekeeper.
ROWENA GODBOLD
Charismatic bloude First Horn of the Cotchester Chamber Orchestra (CCO), the RSO’s deadly rivals.
PABLO GONZALES
An ancient Spanish pianist of great renown.
HELEN GORDON (formerly CAMPBELL-BLACK)
Rupert’s first wife, now married to his old chef d’équipe, Malise Gordon. A legendary beauty and devoted mother of Marcus and less so of Tabitha.
GILBERT GREENFORD
A caring beard from the Arts Council. Mark Carling’s cross.
GWYNNETH
A caftanned barrel from the Arts Council, Gilbert Greenford’s ‘partner’ and another of Mark Calling’s crosses.
RANDY HAMILTON
Third Trumpet from a brass-band and Army background. Another Celtic Mafia hell-raiser.
HERMIONE HAREFIELD
World-famous diva and Rannaldini’s mistress, who brings out the Crippen in all of us.
DIRTY HARRY
A bass player who never washes.
LYSANDER HAWKLEY
Rupert Campbell-Black’s jockey, the man who made husbands jealous.
HARVEY THE HEAVY
George Hungerford’s chauffeur and minder.
OLD HENRY
Oldest member of the RSO, once auditioned successfully for Toscanini, now rank-and-file First Violin.
ANTHEA HISLOP
A pianist, mostly employed for her sex appeal.
GEORGE HUNGERFORD
An extremely successful property developer.
MOTHER MARIA
A radiant Reverend Mother.
IMMACULATA
FAT ISOBEL
A very large viola player.
JISON
A dodgy local car dealer.
BRUCE KENNEDY
American pianist and judge at the Appleton Piano Competition.
KEVIN
A social worker.
MARIA KUSAK
A violin soloist, also employed for her sex appeal.
LORD LEATHERHEAD
Chairman of the RSO and crashing bore on the subject of bottled water.
BORIS LEVITSKY
A glamorous Russian conductor/composer. A bear with a very sore heart as a result of his wife Rachel’s suicide.
LILI
A bribable German judge in the Appleton Piano Competition.
LINCOLN
Fifth Horn of the RSO.
HILARY LLOYD
SIR RODNEY MACINTOSH
Musical Director and Principal Conductor of the RSO. Absolute sweetie and sly old fox, who lets others do the worrying.
GEORGIE MAGUIRE
World-famous singer and song writer.
CARL MATTHESON
Homespun American contestant in the Appleton Piano Competition.
JUNO MEADOWS
Second Flute of the RSO. Tiny and tantalizingly pretty, known as the ‘Steel Elf’.
MARY MELVILLE
Principal Second Violin of the RSO. A doting mother known as
‘Mary-the-Mother-of-Justin’.
SISTER MERCEDES
A very butch nun.
QUINTON MITCHELL
Third Horn of the RSO who wants to be First Horn.
SALVADOR MOLINARI
A naughty Colombian playboy.
MILITANT MOLL
A fiercely feminist rank-and-file viola player of the RSO.
ALEXEI NEMEROVSKY
Principal dancer of the Cossak Russe Ballet Company, known as ‘The Treat from Moscow’.
NELLIE NICOLSON
Third Desk cellist of the RSO known as ‘Nellie the Nympho’.
NINION
Second Oboe. Militant Moll’s exceedingly hen-pecked boyfriend.
NORIKO
An adorably pretty Japanese; rank-and-file First Violin of the RSO.
DECLAN O’HARA
Irish television presenter and megastar. Managing director of Venturer Television.
DEIRDRE O’NEILL
Irish judge at the Appleton Piano Competition, fond of a drop, known as ‘Deirdre of the Drowned Sorrows’.
VICTOR (VIKING) O’NEILL
First Horn and hero of the orchestra because of his great glamour, glorious sound and rebellious attitude. The Godfather of the Celtic Mafia.
SIMON PAINSHAW
First Oboe of the RSO. A walking Grove’s Dictionary who spends his time brooding on his reeds.
PEGGY PARKER
Owner of Parker and Parker department store in Rutminster High Street. A bossy boots and overbearing member of the RSO board.
ROGER ‘SONNY’ PARKER
Her frightful son, a composer of even more frightful modern music.
MISS PARROTT
The rather heavenly RSO harpist.
JULIAN PELLAFACINI
The highly respected leader of the New World Symphony Orchestra.
LUISA PELLAFACINI
His lovely bosomy wife.
NATALIA PHILIPOVA
An apparently untalented Czechoslovak pianist.
PETER PLUMPTON
First Flute of the RSO.
MISS PRIDDOCK
Mark Carling’s secretary, beloved of Old Cyril. An unfazed old trout.
ROBERTO RANNALDINI
Mega-Maestro and arch fiend, currently musical director of the New World Symphony Orchestra.
KITTY RANNALDINI
His third wife, in love with Lysander Hawkley.
JACK RODWAY
A randy receiver.
SISTER ROSE
A sympathetic nurse at Northladen General Hospital.
ABIGAIL ROSEN
American violinist, nicknamed ‘L’Appassionata’ whose dazzling talent and tigerish beauty have taken the world by storm.
THE RUTSHIRE BUTCHER
A very critical critic.
SANDRA
Christopher Shepherd’s secretary.
FLORA SEYMOUR
Wild child, pilgrim soul and daughter of Georgie Maguire. Destroyed by a teenage affaire with Rannaldini, now concentrating on the viola.
CHRISTOPHER SHEPHERD
Abigail Rosen’s agent, a control freak, who provides the respectable front of Shepherd Denston.
MISS SMALLWOOD
Secretary, Cotchester Music Club.
STEVE SMITHSON
Second Bassoon of the RSO and representative of the Musicians’ Union. Muscular right arm from throwing the book at people.
DAME EDITH SPINK
A distinguished composer and Musical Director of the Cotchester Chamber Orchestra.
TOMMY STAINFORTH
Principal Percussion of the RSO.
MRS DICK STANDISH
A skittish sponsor’s wife.
DENNIS STRICKLAND
Principal Viola of the RSO, known as ‘El Creepo’.
BILL THACKERY
Second Desk, First Violin of the RSO. Better at cricket than the violin. Jolly good sort.
JAMES VEREKER
A television presenter.
WALTER
A benevolent bass.
SERENA WESTWARD
Head of Artists and Repertoire at Megagram Records.
CLAUDE ‘CHERUB’ WILSON
Third Percussion of the RSO. Very dumb blond and orchestra mascot.
XAVIER
A Colombian orphan.
THE ANIMALS
BOGOTÁ
A black labrador puppy.
JOHN DRUMMOND
Miss Priddock’s cat, office mouser to the RSO.
GERTRUDE
Taggie Campbell-Black’s mongrel.
JENNIFER
One of Lady Baddingham’s yellow labradors.
NIMROD
Rupert Campbell-Black’s lurcher.
MR NUGENT
Viking O’Neill’s black collie.
PENSCOMBE PRIDE
Rupert Campbell-Black’s favourite and finest horse.
SHOSTAKOVICH
Rodney Macintosh’s grey Persian cat.
SIBELIUS AND SCRIABIN
Abigail Rosen’s black-and-white kittens. Like magpies, the two of them bring joy.
TIPPETT
Dame Edith Spink’s pug.
TREVOR
Flora Seymour’s rescued mongrel.
Appassionata. OVERTURE
ONE
In the second week of April, Taggie Campbell-Black crossed the world and fell head over heels in love for the second time in her life. The flight to Bogotá, delayed by engine trouble at Caracas, took fifteen hours. Taggie, who’d hardly eaten or slept since Rupert broke the news of their journey, could only manage half a glass of champagne. Nor, being very dyslexic, was she able to lose herself in Danielle Steel or Catherine Cookson, nor even concentrate on Robbie Coltrane camping it up as a nun on the in-flight movie. She could only clutch Rupert’s hand, praying over and over again: Please God let it happen.
By contrast Rupert, concealing equal nerves behind his habitual deadpan langour, had drunk far too much as he sat thumbing through a glossary at the back of a Bogotá guide book.
‘I now know the Colombian for stupid bugger, prick, jerk, double bed, air-conditioning, rum and cocaine, so we should be OK.’
At El Dorado Airport, the policemen fingered their guns. Seeing an affluent-looking gringo, the taxi-driver turned off his meter. As they drove past interminable whore-houses and dives blaring forth music, past skyscrapers next to crumbling shacks, Rupert’s hangover was assaulted as much by the shroud of black diesel fumes that blanketed the city as by the furiously honking almost static rush-hour traffic. There was rubbish everywhere. On every pavement, pimps with dead eyes, drug pushers carrying suitcases bulging with notes, tarts in tight dresses pushed aside beggars on crutches and stepped over grubby sloe-eyed children playing in the gutter. How could anything good come out of such a hell-hole?
As Taggie couldn’t bear to wait a second longer, they drove straight to the convent. Now, quivering like a dog in a thunderstorm, she was panicking about her clothes.
‘D’you think I should have stopped off at the hotel and changed into something more motherly?’
Rupert glanced sideways. No-one filled a body stocking like Taggie or had better, longer legs for a miniskirt.
‘You look like a plain-clothes angel.’
‘My skirt isn’t too short?’
‘Never, never.’ Rupert put a hand on her thigh.
By the time they reached the convent, a sanctuary amid the squalor, appalling poverty and brutal crime of the slums, the fare cost almost more than the flight. The Angelus was ringing in the little bell-tower. The setting sun, finding a gap in the dark lowering mountains of the Andes, had turned the square white walls a flaming orange. A battered Virgin Mary looked down from a niche as Rupert knocked on the blistered bottle-green front door. But no-one answered.
‘We should have rung first to check they were in,’ said Taggie, who, despite the stifling heat of the evening, was trembling even more uncontrollably. She looked about to faint.
‘I can’t imagine t
hey’re out at some rave-up.’ Gently Rupert smoothed the black circles beneath her terrified eyes. ‘It’ll be OK, sweetheart.’
He clouted the door again.
Now that he was in Cocaine City, Rupert had never more longed for a line to put him in carnival mood to carry him through the interview ahead. His longing increased a moment later when the door was unlocked and creaked open a few inches and he had a sudden vision that Robbie Coltrane had got in on the act again.
A massive nun, like a superannuated orang-utan, with tiny suspicious eyes disappearing in fat, a beard and hairy warts bristling disapproval, demanded what they wanted. She then insisted on seeing their passports, and looked as though she would infinitely rather have frisked Taggie than Rupert, before grudgingly allowing them in.
By contrast the Mother Superior, Maria Immaculata, was femininity and charm itself. She had a round, almost childish face, like a three-quarters moon, smiling, slanting brown eyes and a cherished olive complexion set off by a very white linen wimple. As she moved forward with a rustle of black silk, the pale hand she held out to Rupert and Taggie was soft and slightly greasy from a recent application of hand cream. Mother Maria Immaculata believed you brought more comfort to the poor and suffering if you looked attractive.