Later, Frances finds her and squeezes her hand. “Derek couldn’t come?”
“Nah,” Marin says. “He isn’t comfortable doing the group thing. He’s waiting for us at home. It’s movie night. Lion King.”
“You guys doing okay?”
“We’re okay,” she answers. “We have to be, for Bash. We’re both staying in the house, and it’s good for all of us, for now. I’m not sure where we go from here, but we have time to figure that out. We still love each other. We’re friends. We’re on the same page when it comes to our son. Right now, those are the only things I’m certain about.”
Frances gives her another hug.
Marin watches Sebastian playing with Lila’s children. He’s laughing so hard that his icing-covered cheeks are pink. She still wakes up in the middle of night, compelled to check that he’s asleep in his room and safe, but Dr. Chen says that will ease with time. At least she no longer needs medication to sleep.
Her phone pings, and she checks it. It’s a text from Derek.
Let me know when you’re on your way back, and I’ll order the pizza. No rush. Love and miss you guys.
She doesn’t know how to feel when he says things like this, so she responds the only way she feels comfortable. She sends back a heart.
With Sebastian occupied and everyone else otherwise engaged in conversation, Marin takes a seat in a corner chair and scrolls through her phone. The number of texts and calls she’s received from friends, family, and clients over the past few weeks has been overwhelming. She still hasn’t caught up on them all.
Near the bottom of her list of messages are old texts from Sal. She can’t bring herself to delete them yet. It’s hard to reconcile the person she thought she knew with the person he turned out to be. He put her through absolute hell, but he was also the one who helped her survive it. They were best friends for over twenty years, and up until the past year and a half, most of those years were good. It’s confusing how love and hate can exist at the same time, intertwined and tangled and messy and confusing, even after a person is dead.
Sal’s text messages are the only concrete thing Marin has left to remind herself that somewhere deep inside, he was good. And he loved her. He’ll never text her again.
She checks the last message Sal sent, the same one he sent her every morning for months and months.
You alive?
Across the room, a balloon pops, and Sebastian shrieks with joy. Marin’s heart swells at the sound.
You’re goddamned right she is.
Author’s Note
Novel writing is always hard, but this was probably the most difficult book I’ve ever written. I don’t outline my stories in advance, so I often surprise—and scare—myself by the direction a story takes. It was uncomfortable and heartbreaking exploring the depths of Marin’s downward spiral after her young son goes missing. I, too, have a little boy, and losing him is my greatest fear. It wasn’t easy delving into Marin’s mindset, and in my efforts to stay true to her character, I didn’t want to shy away from or sugarcoat her struggles. Please know I understand that some of her thoughts and actions may have been disturbing and difficult for some readers.
If you ever experience thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please seek help. You are not alone.
Acknowledgments
One of the greatest days of my writing life was when Victoria Skurnick plucked me out of the slush pile. Ten years and six published books later, we’re still working together, and every writer should be so lucky to have an agent like mine. She puts out all my fires and slays all my dragons. Victoria, I can’t imagine any of this would have happened without you, and I’m grateful for you every day.
There’s nothing more terrifying than the moment a writer hits send on an email with their new manuscript attached. If you’re lucky, the editor on the other end will be kind. Keith Kahla, you are a joy to work with. You never try to change what I’m trying to do; instead, you’re committed to helping me get there, and my books are so much better for it. Thank you for your hard work, your guidance, and for always trusting my vision.
There aren’t enough words to express my gratitude to the team at Minotaur Books and St. Martin’s Press. Andrew Martin, Kelley Ragland, Jennifer Enderlin, Martin Quinn, Sarah Melnyk, and Alice Pfeifer—you are an author’s dream team. Thank you so much for everything you’ve done, and continue to do.
Huge thanks to International Thriller Writers, the Crime Writers of Color, and The Thrill Begins for providing a sense of community and support in a business that can be really tough.
Special thank-you to Ed Aymar, who makes me laugh (or at least roll my eyes) nearly every day. Every writer needs a bestie, and sorry/not sorry you got stuck with me, boo.
Chevy Stevens, thank you so much for your friendship and advice. I don’t know if you meant to become my mentor, but you have been this past year, and I’m so lucky to call you a friend.
Book bloggers and bookstagrammers, you are the sunshine that makes my social media world go ’round. Thank you for your passion, creativity, and generosity.
Mom, Tim, Dad, John, and all the Pestaños, Perezes, and Blohowiaks, in Canada, the Philippines, and the U.S.A., thank you always for the love and support. Mahal kita, salamat.
Annie, Dawn, Lori, and Shell, you are the best confidantes, travel buddies, shopping companions, dinner dates, and overall partners-in-crime a girl could ask for. Love you, and thanks for always being here.
Moxie Poo, how is it possible that there was ever a time when you didn’t exist? Darren, you’ve given me everything I never knew I always wanted. I must have done something right for the universe to gift me the two of you. You Blohowiak boys are my greatest loves. I might write thrillers, but our love story is by far my favorite. I love you.
Also by Jennifer Hillier
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Freak
The Butcher
Wonderland
Jar of Hearts
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Chapter 1
Part One
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Part Two
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Part Three
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Part Four
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Author’s Note
Acknowledgments
Also by Jennifer Hillier
Copyright Page
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
First published in the United States by Minotaur Books, an imprint of St. Martin’s Publishing Group
LITTLE SECRETS. Copyright © 2020 by Jennifer Hillier. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Publishing Group, 120 Broadway, New York, NY 10271.
www.minotaurbooks.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data (TK)
ISBN (hardcover)
ISBN (ebook)
ISBN (international edition)
First U.S. Edition: April 2020
First International Edition: April 2020
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
97
81250154224
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Cover