To Lindsay, Silas, and Arlo
Copyright © 2014 by Jason Good.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
Library of Congress
Cataloging-in-Publication Data:
Good, Jason.
This is ridiculous this is amazing : parenthood in 71 lists / Jason Good.
pages cm
ISBN 978-1-4521-3564-9 (epub, mobi)
ISBN 978-1-4521-2921-1 (hardback)
1. Child rearing—Humor. 2. Parent and child—Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.C315G73 2014
649'.10207—dc23
2013032528
Cover designed by Jennifer Tolo Pierce
Author photo by Ben Toht
Book designed by Benjamin Shaykin
Typeset mostly in Sentinel,
Atlas Grotesk, and Router.
Chronicle Books LLC
680 Second Street
San Francisco, California 94107
www.chroniclebooks.com
Contents
Acknowledgments 7
Introduction 8
1 Preparedness 10
How to Defend Yourself Against a Toddler Attack 12
Oh, the Things You’ll No Longer Need 14
Oh, the Things You’ll No Longer Do 16
Oh, but the New and Wonderful New Things You’ll Get to Do 18
Reasons Your Toddler Might Be Freaking Out 20
The Only Chart Parents Will Ever Need 23
Games You Can Play While Lying Down 26
Tips for Traveling with small Children 28
Some Things I’ll Miss 30
2 No Permanent Damage 32
The Wrong Kind of Games 34
Signs You’re Going Native 36
Don’t Trust Your Instincts 38
No Need to Feel Guilty 40
The Wrong Kind of Funny 41
1. Do Not Exaggerate the Passage of Time for Comedic Effect 41
2. Do Not Use Injury Hyperbole 41
3. Do Not Use Surrealist Sarcasm 42
4. Do Not Exaggerate Your Anger 42
5. Do Not Exaggerate Using Astronomical Distances 43
How to Piss Off Your Pediatrician 44
Go Ahead and Camp 46
Reasons to Avoid the Beach 48
The Five Perils of International Travel 50
On Being a Role Model 52
Eight Dangers of Green Parenting 54
What My Kid Dreams About 56
3 Understanding Your Co-Parent 58
You Deserve a Break 60
One Hour Inside My Wife’s Brain 62
What Parents Say Instead of F*ck 65
Home Schoolin’ 68
How to Know If Your Wife Has Been Drinking 70
Nap Guilt 72
Napping Isn’t the Only Way to Torture Your Co-parent 73
How to Maintain the Magic 75
Ridiculous Apologies 77
The Duties of a Twenty-First-Century Father 78
Fourteen at Forty 80
Without Mom, There Is No Us 82
4 Lowering Your Standards 84
Baby Wipes Forever 86
When Listening Is Impossible 88
WAKE UP! It’s Morning 90
How to Threaten Your Children Effectively 94
Parenting the Firstborn vs. the Second-Born* 98
Food 98
Bed 98
Clothes 98
Parties 99
Bathing 99
Nighttime Routine 99
Friends 99
Toys 99
TV Rules 100
Babysitter 100
Potty Training 100
What Annoying Parents Say . . . and the Truth 101
Taking a Bath with Your Child 103
Safe Places to Eat Cookies 105
What We’ve Googled 107
The Arithmetic of Parenting 108
Operation Roommate 111
Why I’m Fat Now 114
Signs That You’re a Bad Parent 116
Rules for Power Outages 118
5 Communicate! Communicate! Communicate! 120
Understanding Your Children 122
Self-Help from a Three-Year-Old 124
Use Your Best Kindergarten Spelling 126
How Toddlers Tell You They’re Hungry 128
Car Talk 130
Building a Fort with a Five-Year-Old 132
A Three-Year-Old Searches for His Shoes 135
How Board Games End 137
Oliver’s Take 138
Needed: Hollywood Agents for Parents 140
The Stages of Parenting 142
Arlo’s Letter to Santa 145
From Arlo to Silas 147
6 This Is Ridiculous This Is Amazing 150
The Seven Stages of a Tantrum 152
Ridiculous Things I’ve Said 154
Some Fantastic Winter Activities 155
Zen and the Art of Parenting 157
The Bees Are Back in Town 160
Who Needs Tissues When They Have a Sleeve? 164
ACUTE FACIAL TISSUE FEAR (AFTF) 164
COUCH SNOT SYNDROME (CSS) 164
MILK MOUTH (MM) 165
GAPING HACK (GH) 165
CRUSTED SHOULDER (CS) 165
OXYGEN INTAKE SWITCH SYNAPSE FAILURE (OISSF) 165
CARRY ME ALL THE TIME SYNDROME (CMATTS) 166
How to Make a Kid Potion 167
The Goodie Bag 170
Kids Party Way Harder Than We Do 171
Love Hurts: Especially My Shoulder 173
Dear Sons 175
About the Author 177
Acknowledgments*
My editor, Lorena Jones at Chronicle,
who believed I could write a book.
My agent, Courtney Miller-Calihan,
who has held my hand for longer than
she might have liked.
My wife, Lindsay Forsythe,
who made this book funnier and
made me happier.
My parents, Michael and Josephine Good,
who taught me by example
to see the humor in everyday life.
My sons, Silas and Arlo,
who created all of the content in this book,
and somehow managed
to fill me with joy in the process.
*These acknowledgments serve as payment for all debts.
Introduction
DO YOU HAVE AN ABRASION CAUSED BY A TODDLER hitting you with a tambourine, harmonica, or random piece of cardboard?
Have you used a baby wipe to clean yogurt off your “comfy pants”?
Are your remote controls mysteriously greasy?
If you answered “Yes,” or “Please help me” to any of these questions, I wrote this book for you.
Of course, I realize that, as a parent, obtaining or reading a book might prove difficult. Sure, they’re available for immediate download, but your Page Genie, Book Horse, Text Sniffer, Word Wrangler, etc., were all co-opted by your kid months ago. So someone probably gave you this book while saying something like, “This made me think of you,” or “Wow, you smell tired.” The good news: This is a book of lists (seventy-one of them, in fact—one for each gray hair you’ve found since having children), so the introduction here is the only heavy reading you’ll have to do.
If you’re in a store right now skimming this and thinking it might be a great gift for your gal pal who carried around a breast pump, or your guy friend whose wife carried around a breast pump, or your guy friend who carried around his wife’s breast pump, or even your friend who got drunk and bought a breast pump as a gag, y
ou’re right, it is.
I wrote this book because I like making people laugh. I’m a stand-up comedian, but parenting has made me lazy with my downtime, and writing involves a lot of sitting. I would have written a regular book full of sentences and ideas, but being the father of two young boys has caused my IQ to plummet. The relentless emotional negotiations between love, frustration, and guilt kill more brain cells than huffing patio sealant.
I would love to write a hilarious thingy about string theory (lie), but considering I’m frequently incapable of untwisting the strap on a car seat, it’s probably best for the universe if I leave science-y stuff to the experts.
It’s also worth acknowledging that some parents are perfect. Their kids sleep through the night, they never watch TV, they “super love” lettuce, they never pick their nose, they don’t bite people, and they pronounce the L in clock. I didn’t write this for them. They wouldn’t have time to read it anyway because they’re probably off in a pasture reading Shakespeare to an infant. I’m happy for them. This book is for the rest of us, or anyone else who enjoys laughing at the irony of being so helplessly in love with tiny people who have no idea that they’re slowly killing us.
PREPAREDNESS
The mere suggestion that one can be prepared for parenthood is preposterous, but there are a few things you should know. Let me be clear: None of this advice will make your ridiculous life any easier, but at least you won’t feel alone (or wind up needing your retina reattached).
How to Defend Yourself Against a Toddler Attack
Let’s start with something very dear to my heart: personal safety. It’s important to understand that your children are completely unaware, or perhaps simply don’t care, that they’re capable of injuring you severely. I like that my small son thinks I’m indestructible, but at the same time, I don’t appreciate having my mouth pried open like a begrudging dental patient. If I relent, he’ll reach down my throat like a pelican feeding its young. Given the condition of his hands by 8 P.M., I may as well be getting my uvula massaged by a gloveless bridge troll. I have to protect myself and so should you. Here’s a list of supplies I carry around the house in a giant backpack.
1. Two falcon gloves
2. One large bottle of hydrogen peroxide
3. A hockey mask
4. Aloe
5. One pair of burlap chaps (prevents scratching)
6. A 4 × 4 sheet of Plexiglas
7. Two units of type-O blood
9. A jar of peanut butter (He hates it. Works like garlic on a vampire.)
10. Racquetball glasses
11. Pelican repellant
12. A welder’s helmet (for when hockey mask and shower cap have already been used)
13. Skin-grafting kit
14. Zithromax (any potent antibiotic will work here)
15. An air horn (think of this as a panic button)
16. A smoke machine
17. Echinacea
18. One crash-test dummy
19. Two packages of PowerGel (Sometimes the assault lasts for hours. Need fuel.)
20. One mouth guard
21. An extra shirt
22. One eyebrow pencil
23. Two kidneys (on ice—very important)
When all of that fails, just tickle them.
Of course, my kids are absolutely adorable. And so are yours. They are our first choice for people we would let excavate our throat, and there’s no one we’d rather have puncture our lung. We always hurt the ones we love.
Oh, the Things You’ll No Longer Need
Saying good-bye to your old, childless life means getting rid of things. You need to make room for plastic oboes and large colorful cloth cubes that roar, ribbit, and hiss. I’ve compiled a list of all the items in and around your home that will go completely unused for about a year after you have children.
1. Your bicycle
2. Novels
3. Vases
4. Skis
5. The alarm clock
6. Chopsticks
7. Your sexy voice
8. Fishing poles
9. Your friends’ phone numbers
10. Decorative bowls
11. Negligee (did I spell that right?)
12. Tennis racquets
13. Magazine subscriptions
14. Sex toys
15. Jewelry
16. Scuba gear
17. Concert tickets
18. Indoor plants
19. Napkin rings
20. Napkins
21. Your cool leather jacket
22. Floor lamps
23. Anything made of glass
24. Exercise equipment (unless the cats like it)
25. Shoes with laces
26. Travel books
27. Yarn
28. Your tuba (Only for people who play the tuba. I don’t play the tuba, so what do I know?)
Oh, the Things You’ll No Longer Do
Be prepared to not do any of the following things for at least four years after having children. These are in no particular order.
1. Floss
2. Learn
3. Canoe
4. Say no to pizza
5. Sit down
6. Get a promotion
7. Dream
8. Illicit drugs
9. Pottery
10. Take more than eight minutes to eat a meal
11. Oral sex
12. Sex
13. Woodworking
14. Follow politics
15. Have a great pair of socks
16. Yoga
17. Set your alarm
18. Groom
19. Go antiquing
20. Stretch
21. Drink enough water
22. Hold in a fart
23. Fart with confidence
24. Hang glide
25. Make a salad
26. Get a colonoscopy
27. Listen to a complete story
28. Think slowly
29. See the dentist
30. Use a hot tub
31. Iron something
32. Karate
33. Emergency couples therapy
34. Get a new driver’s license
35. Tailgate
36. Like your hair
37. Visit France
38. Crochet
39. Have stamps
40. Enter REM sleep
41. Know where your shoes are
42. Lose weight
Oh, but the New and Wonderful New Things You’ll Get to Do
There are, indeed, countless things you will no longer be able to do after having children, like grooming, learning, stretching, and snorkeling. But don’t fret. Here are just a few of the amazing new things you’ll get to do instead.
1. Butter a piece of toast while peeing
2. Brush someone’s teeth against his will
3. Blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth
4. Help someone else blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth
5. Eat food that has fallen out of someone else’s mouth
6. Eat food you found on the floor
7. Eat food you found on the mantle
8. Eat candy you found in a shoe
9. Put someone in a Bob the Builder costume while fighting off diarrhea
10. Visit a psychiatrist
11. Wipe somebody’s nose with your bare hand
12. Eat baby food
13. Blame a fart on a child
14. Get someone dressed while you’re in the shower
15. Cut up a grape
16. Almost agree to cut up a raisin
17. Pretend to enjoy the flavor of a prune
18. Ask someone why their hair smells like yogurt
19. Ask someone why their hair smells like your antiperspirant
20. Put someone else’s toenail clippings in your pocket
21. Let someone watch you pee as they stare blankly while eating a Popsicle
Reasons
Your Toddler Might Be Freaking Out
It’s hard to be a kid, especially when you consider all the possible things that might be upsetting them. These are all guesses. Children of this age are incapable of explaining why they’ve lost their minds.
1. His sock is on wrong.
2. His lip tastes salty.
3. His shirt has a tag on it.
4. The car seat is weird.
5. He’s hungry, but can’t remember the word “hungry.”
6. Someone touched his knee.
7. He’s not allowed in the oven.
8. I picked out the wrong pants.
9. His brother looked at him.
10. His brother didn’t look at him.
11. His hair is heavy.
12. We don’t understand what he said.
13. He doesn’t want to get out of the car.
14. He wants to get out of the car by himself.
15. The iPad has a password.
16. His sleeve is touching his thumb.
17. He doesn’t understand how Popsicles are made.
18. The inside of his nose stinks.
19. Chicken is gross.
20. A balloon he got six months ago is missing.
21. A puzzle piece won’t fit in upside down.
22. I gave him the wrong blue crayon.
23. The gummy vitamin is too firm.
24. The Internet is slow.
25. He jumped off the sofa and we weren’t watching.
26. He’s not allowed to touch fire.
27. Everything is wrong with his coat.
28. There’s a dog within a seventy-mile radius.
29. A shoe should fit either foot.
30. I asked him a question.
31. His brother is talking.
32. He can’t lift a pumpkin.
33. He can’t have my keys.
34. The cat is in his way.
35. The cat won’t let him touch its eyeball.
36. The inside of his cheek feels rough.
37. Things take too long to cook.
38. He has too much food in his mouth.
39. He sneezed.
40. He doesn’t know how to type.
41. The garbage disposal is going to eat him.
42. His mom is taking a shower.
43. Someone knocked over his tower.
44. He got powdered sugar on his pants.
45. The yogurt won’t stay on his spoon.
46. EVERYTHING IS TOO HOT.
The Only Chart Parents Will Ever Need
I promise, it will seem as if your children are at their most energetic when you’re at your least. The graph below proves just that: parental energy and a child’s needs are most frequently at odds with each other. I think it’s nature’s way of encouraging kids to learn to play by themselves.