Watch the Skies
(with Ned Rust)
Demons and Druids
(with Adam Sadler)
Game Over
(with Ned Rust)
Armageddon
(with Chris Grabenstein)
Other Illustrated Novels
Daniel X: Alien Hunter
(graphic novel; with Leopoldo Gout)
Daniel X: The Manga, Vols. 1–3
(with SeungHui Kye)
For previews of upcoming books in these series and other information, visit middleschoolbooks.com, ifunnybooks.com, treasurehuntersbooks.com, and daniel-x.com.
For more information about the author, visit jamespatterson.com.
MEET THE PLANET’S FUNNIEST KID COMIC,
JAMIE GRIMM!
TURN THE PAGE FOR A SNEAK PEEK!
AVAILABLE NOW!
One
FLOP SWEAT
Have you ever done something extremely stupid like, oh, I don’t know, try to make a room filled with total strangers laugh until their sides hurt?
Totally dumb, right?
Well, that’s why my humble story is going to start with some pretty yucky tension—plus a little heavy-duty drama (and, hopefully, a few funnies so we don’t all go nuts).
Okay, so how, exactly, did I get into this mess— up onstage at a comedy club, baking like a bag of French fries under a hot spotlight that shows off my sweat stains (including one that sort of looks like Jabba the Hutt), with about a thousand beady eyeballs drilling into me?
A very good question that you ask.
To tell you the truth, it’s one I’m asking, too!
What am I, Jamie Grimm, doing here trying to win something called the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic Contest?
What was I thinking?
But wait. Hold on. It gets even worse.
While the whole audience stares and waits for me to say something (anything) funny, I’m up here choking.
That’s right—my mind is a total and complete blank.
And I just said, “No, I’m Jamie Grimm.”
That’s the punch line. The end of a joke.
All it needs is whatever comes before the punch line. You know—all the stuff I can’t remember.
So I sweat some more. The audience stares some more.
I don’t think this is how a comedy act is supposed to go. I’m pretty sure jokes are usually involved. And people laughing.
“Um, hi.” I finally squeak out a few words. “The other day at school, we had this substitute teacher. Very tough. Sort of like Mrs. Darth Vader. Had the heavy breathing, the deep voice. During roll call, she said, ‘Are you chewing gum, young man?’ And I said, ‘No, I’m Jamie Grimm.’ ”
I wait (for what seems like hours) and, yes, the audience kind of chuckles. It’s not a huge laugh, but it’s a start.
Okay. Phew. I can tell a joke. All is not lost. Yet. But hold on for a sec. We need to talk about something else. A major twist to my tale.
“A major twist?” you say. “Already?”
Yep. And, trust me, you weren’t expecting this one.
To be totally honest, neither was I.
READ MORE IN:
I FUNNY
SAVING THE WORLD IS TOUGH FOR
STAINLEZZ STEEL…
BUT MIDDLE SCHOOL IS EVEN TOUGHER
WHEN HE’S JUST KENNY WRIGHT.
TURN THE PAGE FOR A SNEAK PEEK!
AVAILABLE MARCH 2015!
1
I AM STAINLEZZ STEEL
THE REAL ME
Today I, Stainlezz Steel, am officially bugged out. Today’s my first day at Union Middle School, and the truth is, I’m a little scared.
Don’t laugh. My school is way worse than your school. Believe that.
In real life, I am mild-mannered, easy-to-get-along-with Kenny Wright. And as you may have figured out by now, Stainlezz Steel only exists in my crazy mixed-up imagination.
Superheroes aren’t real. I know that. But you show me a kid who says he never wished he could fly like Superman, or run like the Flash, or mess around inside Iron Man’s supersuit… and I’ll show you a kid who’s lying through his grill.
That’s why I made up Stainlezz Steel. Inside my head, I mean. Because I have about as much chance of being a superhero as a turtle has of winning a hundred-yard dash. And the only battles I ever win are on the chessboard.
Not like Steel.
It doesn’t help that my stubborn-as-a-donkey Grandma Hope insists on walking me to school, either. (I call her G-ma for short. She calls me Kenneth, for long, but you can just call me Kenny.)
I explained to G-ma that I’m in sixth grade now. It’s straight-up embarrassing to show up with your granny on the first day. Everyone thinks I’m kind of a geek to begin with. Well… maybe not a geek-geek, but I’m definitely not “that dude.” You know that dude; the ladies love him, and the fellas want to be him. But try explaining that to G-ma. She may not be hard of hearing, but she can definitely be hard of listening, if you know what I mean. And she has an opinion about EVERYTHING.
And don’t get me wrong. I’ve got mad respect for G-ma. She takes good care of me, and I try to do the same for her. She also makes the best peach upside-down cake you ever tasted.
It’s just that I’m crazy nervous about starting middle school. Like, throw-up-on-my-shoes nervous. Kids like me can get stomped down pretty quick at a place like Union Middle.
But G-ma doesn’t notice. On the real, for a little old lady, she has a lot of heart. She’s fearless. Sometimes I think she may be a champion MMA prizefighter at night. Hey, it’s possible. She just keeps walking on down Martin Luther King Avenue, talking to me about grades and high expectations, while I try to hold on to my breakfast and figure out how I’m going to make it through the first day.
Times like these, I could use a little less Kenny and a lot more Steel.
WELCOME TO UMS
Okay, in my neighborhood, my school is known as Fort Union. That’s because of the crazy-strict military base rules there.
No kids get inside until 7:50 a.m., sharp.
No kids get inside without a student ID.
No kids get inside without opening their backpacks for the security guards.
And that’s just the front door. I’m sure it’d take you less time to get through the airport’s high-tech security with explosives tied to your calves. It’s crazy man. This is what I go through, every stinkin’ day.
When I get past security, I find that my homeroom doesn’t even have real windows. It’s just metal screens where someone broke out the glass over the summer.
Also, it’s kind of crowded in here. “Overcrowded” would be an understatement. For real.
After attendance, my homeroom teacher, Ms. Green, takes us around the school and shows us where everything is.
Downstairs on the first floor, the library’s about the size of a closet. There’s one rolling computer cart with two computers for the whole school. Also some wrinkly old posters of President Obama, Dr. King, and Rosa Parks on the wall. They just look sad and tired, which I don’t think is supposed to be the idea. I may come in really late one night as Steel and hang up a few Malcolm X, Marcus Garvey, and Sojourner Truth posters. Yeah, like that.
Ms. Green shows us the cafeteria next. Then I ask her where the gym is, but she just shrugs.
“They’ve got a gym at Union High,” she says. “Here at the middle school, we just sectioned off a part of the parking lot. Sometimes we take students to the park down the street.”
And I haven’t even talked about the other kids yet.
At UMS, the sixth-grade classes are on the second floor. Seventh grade is on the third floor. And eighth grade is on the fourth floor. In other words, the higher you go, the more dangerous it gets. Because those eighth graders...I can’t even front...they can be a little intimidating—scratch that, they can be straight-up scary sometimes. About half of the boys have full beards, and I’ve seen at least three girls with healthy mustaches. N
o lie.
Believe me, you do not want to get caught alone on the fourth floor in this place.
Or in the stairwell.
And definitely not in the bathroom. Never in the bathroom. I’ve already decided that if I ever have to go, I’m just going to hold it until high school. Peeing your pants is not a good look, but you know, sometimes in life, especially life at Fort Union, a brotha has to weigh his options. Carefully.
So wish me luck. I think I’m going to need it.
READ ON IN:
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Welcome
Dedication
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 65
Chapter 66
Chapter 67
Chapter 68
Chapter 69
Chapter 70
Chapter 71
Chapter 72
Chapter 73
Chapter 74
Chapter 75
Chapter 76
Chapter 77
Chapter 78
About the Authors
Books by James Patterson for Young Readers
A Sneak Peek of I Funny
A Sneak Peek of Public School Superhero
Copyright
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Copyright © 2014 by James Patterson
Illustrations by Juliana Neufeld
Excerpt from I Funny copyright © 2012 by James Patterson
Illustrations in excerpt from I Funny by Laura Park
Excerpt from Public School Superhero copyright © 2015 by James Patterson
Illustrations in excerpt from Public School Superhero by Cory Thomas
Cover illustration by Juliana Neufeld
Cover design by Sasha Illingworth
Cover copyright © 2014 Hachette Book Group, Inc.
Middle School® is a trademark of JBP Business, LLC.
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
Little, Brown and Company
Hachette Book Group
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Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
First ebook edition: November 2014
ISBN 978-0-316-40588-1
E3