the Internet--just YouTube "Girl frozen to
toiletseat."
SETH
Yes, you can find lots of stuff on the
Internet.
EXT. LAX. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Seth is assisting Anna with loading her luggage into his
trunk.
ANNA
Well, I just hope that you take it better
than last time.
FLASHBACK
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. GARAGE - DAY. A FEW MONTHS AGO
Tears streaming down his cheeks, he stands on a SAWHORSE
with a POWER CORD wrapped around his neck for a noose. He
jumps. The overhead beam that he tied the cord around
breaks instantly under his weight.
END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE
SETH
Nah, don’t worry, I’ve learned a lot since
then.
FLASHBACK
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. GARAGE - NIGHT. YESTERDAY
He’s back on the horse. Same tears, etc.; this time after jumping, he kicks the sawhorse away with his flailing legs. His body twitches frantically. (Killing yourself is hard!)
SETH (CONT’D)
Screwit.
He reaches up and undos the noose, sending him to the floor
with a CRASH.
END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE
Anna nods.
ANNA
Good.
INT. SETH’S CAR - NIGHT
SETH
I have a plan to win her back, y’know.
INT. LYSANDRA’S HOUSE. LYSANDRA’S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT
Lysanda’s in bed. Suddenly, a song cuts through the silence: PETER GABRIEL’S “YOUR EYES.” Her hand grabs the PHONE off her NIGHTSTAND.
EXT. LYSANDRA’S HOUSE. FRONTYARD - LATE NIGHT
Seth’s outside on her lawn, holding a BOOMBOX high over his
head like John Cusack in Say Anything...--he’s even
dressed like him, in the TAN DUSTER.
SFX - DOG HOWLING
SFX - POLICE SIREN
And a red and blue strobe illuminates Seth. He tucks the
boombox under his arm and runs like hell. He leaps over a
low shrub--barely. Three ATTACK DOGS jump him in Lysandra’s
neighbor’s yard. They hurl him to the ground. He drops the
boombox, his body twisting and rolling in an attempt to get
the vicious animals to yield.
SETH (CONT’D)
(in agony)
OW, IT HURTS!!!
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. CAFETERIA - NOON
TWO-SHOT - ANNA AND RUSS
Russ is eating piggishly. Anna stares forward at Seth.
ANNA
How’d it go?
CLOSE SHOT - SETH
His face has been chewed on pretty bad. He has the world’s
largest WAD OF TISSUE shoved up his nostril, so his voice
is all nasally:
SETH
Not as I expected.
ANNA
Things will get better.
Anna begins checking her SMARTPHONE.
SETH
Oh, yeah...
He places his unharmed hands on the table.
SETH (CONT’D)
It’s amazing what the doctors can re-
attach these days.
Russ is poised to shove another spork-full of food into his
mouth.
RUSS
Dude, your hands are good.
He places the food into his mouth. He then realizes what
Seth is talking about and spits it out. He drops the fork
in disgust.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Good God--
SETH
Wouldn't that have been fucked-up? No, my
junk is okay--and you know what?
Lysandra is going to appreciate that when
we get back together.
RUSS
That's so dirty!
ANNA
Sweetie, she changed her Facebook status
from "in a relationship" to "free pussy."
SETH
There's now a "free pussy" status on
Facebook?
ANNA
No, relax, I'm just yanking your chain--
but she is listed as "single" again, and
I presume "ready to mingle"--you need to
move on too.
I am neither single nor ready to mingle.
ANNA
(to herself)
Meanwhile no man has been interested in
my pussy since that fireman I was
seeing.
FLASHBACK
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY
Anna, looking especially pretty, is waiting at the base of a LADDER leaning against a large tree.
A HUNKY FIREMAN, 23, comes down the ladder. He is cradling Anna's CAT in one arm and holding his AX in the other.
ANNA (CONT'D)
Thank you for retrieving my cat.
He gives Anna her cat back.
HUNKY FIREMAN
No problem-o, ma'am. That's why us
firemen got in the game. Not sure why I
brought my ax, though. Guess it's to
remind me that I'm a firemen.
ANNA
My parents are out of town and I'm
three weeks from 18, is there anything I
can do to thank you?
It's like cue porno music, right?
HUNKY FIREMAN
No, thank you, ma'am. We're not allowed
to accept tips.
Anna removes a CASE OF BIRTHCONTROL PILLS, and "nonchalantly" drops the case on the ground.
ANNA
Oops.
HUNKY FIREMAN
Oops. You just dropped your birthcontrol.
The helpful young man bends at the knees and picks up the case, returning it to the hot girl.
HUNKY FIREARM (CONT'D)
Here you are. Glad to be of help.
ANNA
Thank you. Where would I be without these
pills?
(seductively)
But why don't you come upstairs? I am a
competitive speedskater, so I'm very
flexible.
HUNKY FIREARM
I can tell by the way you're altering
your voice, you really want to offer me
a tip, but like I said, I'm a civil
servant, and I can't accept tips;
they're considered bribes, you know.
ANNA
Aw.
END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE
Anna has lowered her phone. She sees something going on behind Seth.
ANNA
(interrupting)
Don’t look behind you.
SETH
Now why do people say that--”Don’t look
behind you”? It’s not like when two people
are having a conversation that one thinks
“Hey, I wonder what’s happening behind me
right now.” Really. I expected more from
you, Anna.
He begins to turn his head.
SETH (CONT’D)
Now I have to go look behind me just to see
what you don’t want me to see.
He sees Lysandra. And gets happy.
ANNA
I told you.
SETH
(elatedly)
This is it! Don’t you see? Lysandra never
eats in the cafeteria--she feels it’s for
&
nbsp; losers. (beat) This is God’s way of
bringing us back together!
He stands up.
ANNA
(doubtfully)
God...(beat)...or...(beat)...the lunch
bell.
He straightens his shirt. His fly’s open.
ANNA (CONT’D)
Your fly’s open.
SETH
(confidently)
The doctor said to let it breath.
He walks toward her table, in SLOW MOTION. This is it. This
is his moment. Russ tackles him before he can get any
closer. They both fall face down. Russ has his hands around
Seth’s legs, trying to keep him from crawling to Lysandra’s
table.
RUSS
Man, you can’t slink back to her with
your tail between your legs!
SETH
Well, what am I suppose to slink back
with between my legs?
RUSS
Don’t do it! Don’t slink back! Don’t
slink baaaaaaack!
Seth is crawling too quickly; Russ is jerking him back too
hard. His pants come down to his ankles, revealing his
bare-ass to everyone in the cafeteria. Everyone LAUGHS.
Seth quits crawling.
SETH
The doctor told me not to wear underwear.
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. SETH’S ROOM - NIGHT
Seth’s lying on his bed in the dark room, bathed in the
warm glow of his TELEVISION.
SETH (CONT’D)
(to himself)
He could make a pedal car out of bamboo and
a radio out of coconuts but not a boat.
That doesn’t make any sense. He’s a
professor.
Then a commercial comes on:
INSERT - TELEVISION
A very Jamaican phone-in psychic, MS. BRIO, is advertising
her service. She’s sitting before a small TABLE to hold her
TAROT CARDS.
BACK TO SCENE
SETH (CONT'D)
(to himself)
Hey, there are still Jamaican psychics
on TV. Thought Katrina took care of them.
INSERT - TELEVISION
MS. BRIO
(over television)
‘Eh dere, do you ever wonder what da
future ‘olds for de? Money? Fame? Da
nookie? Let Ms. Brio tell ye all about
it. Know tomorrow’s future ta day. Da
first three minutes are free, so call now.
BACK TO SCENE
SETH
Well, the first three minutes are free.
He hurriedly reaches for the phone.
MS. BRIO (CONT’D, V.O.)
(over television)
Call now.
He starts dialing.
MS. BRIO (CONT’D, V.O.)
(over television)
Call now! Dial quicker and call now--...
He dials quicker.
MS. BRIO (CONT’D, V.O.)
(over television)
...the future’s almost here!
SETH
(to himself)
How does she know?
EST. SHOT - A RURAL HOME IN THE MIDWEST
INT. A HOUSE SOMEWHERE IN OHIO. DEN - EARLY MORNING
A chubby middle-aged WHITE GUY wearing SWEATPANTS is sitting on a recliner, watching a football game on ESPN in the dark.
SFX - PHONE RING
He picks his PHONE off the STAND beside him. He speaks in a
great, thick Caribbean accent.
WHITE GUY
(into phone)
‘Ello dere, pretty lady.
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. SETH’S ROOM - LATE NIGHT
SETH
(into phone)
Well. I appreciate the “pretty,” but I’m
a dude. As a psychic, you should've known
that.
INT. A HOUSE SOMEWHERE IN OHIO. DEN - EARLY MORNING
WHITE GUY
(into phone)
I see dat now, I see dat now--de hot
Kingston sun been doing da number on me
brain. Now what is de problem?
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. SETH’S ROOM - LATE NIGHT
SETH
(into phone)
My girlfriend just broke up with me. I want
to know how to get her back.
INT. A HOUSE SOMEWHERE IN OHIO. DEN - EARLY MORNING
WHITE GUY
(into phone)
I see de problem. Now lemme consult me
cards.
He sets the receiver down on the stand, then reaches into
his sweatpants. He begins jerking off.
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. SETH’S ROOM - LATE NIGHT
SETH
(into phone)
The first three minutes are free, right--
hello?
CUT TO:
Three minutes later...Seth’s still on the phone.
SETH (CONT’D)
(to himself)
Man. Reading “de cards” must be
complicated. Soon this will be costing me
money.
CUT TO:
Ten minutes later...
SETH (CONT’D)
(to himself)
Screw this!
He hangs up.
SETH (CONT’D)
(to himself)
I haven’t wasted this much money since I
bought my Sega Dreamcast.
INSERT - TELEVISION
“The Six Million Dollar Man” starts:
NARRATOR (V.O.)
(over television)
“...We can rebuild him. We have the
technology...”
BACK TO SCENE
Realization dawns across Seth’s sleep-deprived face. He’s
in total awe as he sets the phone down.
NARRATOR (CONT’D, V.O.)
(over television)
“Better than he was before. Better...
stronger...faster...”
SETH
(to himself)
That’s it!
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. HALLWAY - MORNING
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR, a man in his early 50s, is giving a
PROSPECTIVE STUDENT and his MOTHER a tour.
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR
And you’ll find our school very proactive.
We’re always modernizing.
EXT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. FRONT ENTRANCE - MORNING
Between the tarnished “GEORGE BUSH” of the school’s
moniker, a MAN ON A LADDER screws in a shiny new “W.” The
man goes down the ladder. After a moment, a screw comes
undone and the “W” is lopsided. Then the other one gives,
and the initial CRASHES to the ground.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. MR. GEE’S CLASS - MORNING
Seth raises his hand.
MR. GEE
Yes?
SETH
Sir, I need a tampon, and I need Anna to
come and get it for me.
MR. GEE
That doesn’t make any--
Seth has already grabbed Anna, dragging her along, and
they’re out the door.
SETH
(interrupting)
Too late!
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. HALLWAY - MORNING
Seth and Anna walk down the empty corridor.
SETH
(quietly)
Hey, Anna,
let’s play that game.
ANNA
(quietly)
God, it’s so retarded.
SETH
(quietly)
C’mon, c’mon! Look, we’re already coming up
to a door.
An open classroom door is just ahead of them.
ANNA
(quietly)
Okay, you start.
SETH
(loudly)
...so I dismembered the hooker’s body...
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. CLASSROOM - MORNING
The students’ attention is drawn to the door in interest.
SETH (CONT’D)
(loudly)
...and buried her in the desert...
They’ve cleared the area. They giggle, in on the same joke. They’re passing another door.
ANNA
(loudly)
...does it just burn when you pee?
SETH
Oh, so is that the way you want to play it?
Anna nods. Passing another door...
SETH (CONT’D)
(loudly)
How many weeks late are you?
She playfully punches him on the shoulder.
ANNA
You bitch!
Passing another door...
ANNA (CONT’D)
One testicle, you say?
She’s taken the game too far.
SETH
(shocked)
Oh, you are dead.
Another open door:
SETH (CONT’D)