A Cluster of Poems
Copyright 2012 Ian Lea
Table of Contents
1. Porcelain Ponderings
2. I am Therefore I Pee
3. When Granddad Caught a Tiddler
4. Classroom Oysters
5. Fashion
6. Celebrity Makeover
7. Dress Code
1. Porcelain Ponderings
While sitting on the toilet I wonder with a frown
How come no matter what I eat it always comes out brown?
While going to the toilet I just sit there and thinks
How come MY poo smells quite nice while other people’s stinks?
I wonder where it goes to after I do the flush
Does it go into the garden and pile up behind a bush?
Sometimes poos are really short and sometimes really long
I wonder – long or short ones – which makes the biggest pong?
And when you’re sitting in the class and fart as people do
How does your bottom know that it’s a fart and not a poo?
And something I have never heard or maybe I’ve forgotten
Why bubbles that rise to the top should come out of your bottom?
And how come dog poo turns to white when lying in the Sun?
Because I know that it is brown when it comes from its bum.
And cats, they use a litter tray pretending they are neat
And then they turn and sit right down and start to lick their feet!
Another thing I’ve seen dogs do is smell each other’s bum.
I tried it once with my friend George – believe me it’s not fun.
And cows and bulls they eat the grass and SPLAT onto the ground.
But goats and sheep eat the same grass and theirs is hard and round.
And what about when you’re outside and look into the sky
And over flies a flock of geese and poop right in your eye
And birds just sitting on a wire just squat and out it leaks.
I did it once sitting on a chair – it stuck between my cheeks.
Pooing when you’re moving – now that is such a feat.
I know ‘cause I once tried it while running down the street.
Rabbits eat their own poo when they poo first time ‘round
Second time it’s not as sweet, so they leave it on the ground.
And worms eat SOIL – it goes in one end then comes out of the other.
I tried it once, it tastes real gross. I can’t think why they bother
Snakes just gulp their food down when they get hunger pangs
Then sick up what they can’t digest – I hope they brush their fangs.
I wonder how a fly poos? The way they eat is strange
They spit on food then tread on it then suck it up again.
And cockroaches they do poos which look like tiny beads
I think its poo on crusty bread, mum says they’re poppy seeds.
Mice have little droppings while rats are long and narrow.
Elephants do huge ones and can fill a whole wheel barrow.
Hippopotamuses wag their tails when pooing in the river
And then the fish all eat it up! The thought just makes me shiver.
And fish live in the water so their poo just floats around
Then it’s gobbled up by other fish so it is rarely ever found.
Well – getting back to my poo – I’m very nearly done.
That’s it I think, I’ve finished now it’s time to wipe up my bum.
My mum, she really taught me well – showed me a simple knack
The secret of bum wiping is to wipe from front to back.
Well, that was really easy – I hardly had to try
Now flush it with my left hand – while my right hand waves goodbye.
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***~~~***
2. I am Therefore I Pee
Oh boy, am I in trouble.
Teachers got it in for me.
I’m in trouble by the double.
Just because I had a pee.
The boys had all decided
That when recess came around,
That we’d get the classroom tidied
And in the toilets we’d be found
Standing in a great long line,
Pointing willies to the sky.
Then we’d all pee at the same time
And see who could pee most high.
Well I know I peed the highest,’
‘Cause I peed with all my might.
I squeezed my bum cheeks tightest
And I peed the greatest height.
I tried real hard, gave it my all.
Gave it my bestest go
I peed so high it went up the wall,
And out of the high window
And when I gave my mighty burst,
The best squirt I could do
I knew that I would come in first,
Be the champion of the loo!
I cheered so loud I didn’t hear
The teacher passing by
Shout, “Who the hell has peed and hit me right in the eye?”
The other boys deserted me,
Gone at the speed of light.
But I had done a record pee
So I cheered with all my might.
And when I finished cheering
I stood there all alone
For the first time I was hearing
A teacher’s mighty groan.
“It’s you!” he said with all his might.
“I simply should have guessed!”
I smiled and nodded, “Yes, that’s right,”
I really am the best.”
I felt sure I’d get a mention
In the newsletter for my win
But no I get detention.
Each lunch they keep me in.
They simply just don’t understand,
I’m the champion of the school.
My future I have in one hand.
But they treat me like a fool.
Can’t they see I’ll turn professional.
Yes, that’s the life for me.
I’ll simply be sensational.
The champion of pee!
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***~~~***
3. When Granddad Caught a Tiddler
I went out fishing with granddad.
He has a boat so small
There’s nowhere to go to the toilet
Nowhere to go at all.
The waves were pretty choppy,
I needed to use the loo.
I said I needed the toilet.
Granddad asked, “Is it one or two?”
I said I needed number twos
I couldn’t wait any longer.
The need to go was just too strong
And the need was getting stronger.
He said, “Go for it, do your best,”
And pointed to the sea.
I said, “No way, not number twos,
But I may have a sneaky little pee.”
“I won’t look,” my granddad said
“Just poo sitting on the side,”
“No way,” I said. “It will wash to shore
It will wash up with the tide
And people will see my poo wash up,
Wash up into the shore.
And no one will swim at the beach for weeks
Expecting to see some more.”
“Don’t worry,” said my granddad. “It will be eaten by fish before then.
Why out at sea fish follow ships
Eating poos by full grown men.”
So I just pulled my shorts down
My underpants as well.
I pooed right over the side of the boat.
Granddad didn
’t seem to mind the smell
And when I was just about half way through
My granddad got a bite
He picked up his rod and gave a tug
He pulled with all his might.
The hook pulled out the fish’s mouth
And shot out of the water.
It got me in an awkward place
I could change from grandson to granddaughter.
“Don’t pull,” I screamed at the top of my lungs.
“You’ve got me by the willy.
One good pull could rip it right off
Then I’d look rather silly.”
For the first time granddad looked around
To see what he had done.
“Good grief,” he said. “What a horrible thing
To do to my only grandson.”
My granddad put his glasses on and said,
“I tell you what mate
I’ve either caught a tiddler or the hooks
Still got my bait.”
“Just get it out,” I hollered.
“The pain’s too much to bear.”
Granddad said, “It‘s in too deep,
I don’t think that I would dare.”
“Please just pull it out,” I cried.
“Real quick like you do a sticking plaster.”
“Sorry, there’s a barb in the hook
To rip it off would be a disaster.
I’ll take you to the hospital.
When they give you anesthetic
You simpy will not care.”
The thought of three hours in a bumpy boat
Was really too much for me.
Three hours of being bumped around
As we sailed on a choppy sea.
The three hours passed, we reached the shore
Granddad carried me to the car.
With pants round my knees I was starting to freeze
Would the hook leave a real big scar?
The doctors and nurses gathered around as I lay
On the hospital bed.
The doctors weren’t too bad I suppose but the nurses made my face turn red.
The nurses called me, “Sweetie,” and doctors called me, “Mate.”
I was starting to feel much better ‘till one said, “Let’s amputate.”
I grabbed the hook with all my might. I pulled it from my willy.
The pain was bad but I was afraid I’d change from a colt to a filly.
The hook was huge and sharp and barbed and it made a horrible mess.
I know I shoud have expected the blood and the gore I guess.
But now my willy has healed right up and I suppose that what really matters
Although the end doesn’t look quite right, it’s torn into shreds and tatters.
And when I’m standing at the toilet bowl answering one of nature’s calls
As well as peeing into the toilet bowl, I pee down both the side walls.
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***~~~***
4. Classroom Oysters
Samuel was a picker
Not clothes or fruit or roses
Samuel was a picker
Who specialised in noses
With total concentration he picked with all his might
He started in the morning and finished late at night
He picked and scraped and shovelled ‘til his nose and fingers bled
He started during breakfast time and finished late in bed.
The fruits of all this picking, he kept in his left ear
And there he let it ripen for almost one full year.
And then he popped it in his mouth and thought of how it tasted.
He’s glad that he had saved it – he’d hate to see it wasted.
An idea came into his head – it fair lit up his eyes
“Now everyone has noses – I’ll start an enterprise!”
He started up a service – no nose too big or small.
He signed up all his classmates and went and picked them all.
He put them all in storage. He rented people’s ears.
He said that it was all quite safe, no need for any fears.
He said the profits he would share and each one treated equal
And from the money they would make – no doubt there’d be a sequel.
For one full year they sat in class, their ears full of snot.
Did they hear what the teacher said? Absolutely not!
They all failed exams miserably – all kept back one full year.
But Samuel – well – he didn’t mind – his future’s in each ear.
He harvested the snot – though it was hard to hold.
A jar of brown and green stuff – but worth its weight in gold.
He advertised his product in every way he could.
He called them ‘Classroom Oysters’ a pure and healthy food,
But he had to price the oysters at prices so extreme
To pay for all his classmates, a loyal devoted team.
And much to Samuel’s shock and something quite surprising
People thought his oysters didn’t look too appetising.
He didn’t have a customer, didn’t make a single sale.
With total sales at zero his business was sure to fail.
And he had bills to pay, for rented ears and snot.
He’d cleaned out all his bank account, he’d spent the flipin’ lot.
He needed ways to sell his stock or bankruptcy his fate
He needed quick to sell it all before its use by date.
An idea sprung into his head while sitting on the loo.
“They look like herbs and spices – I know exactly what I’ll do.”
He leapt up to his feet and took off at a run.
Then suddenly remembered and went back and wiped his bum.
A very high class restaurant bought the whole jar right away.
He now had enough money for his creditors to pay.
The restaurant spread his ‘oysters’ upon their many dishes
On meat and chicken salads and even on their fishes.
And gourmets came from far and wide to taste this unique flavour.
They relished every mouthful, each tiny dish they’d savour.
The chef became world famous – known in lands quite far.
But there’s only so many ‘oysters’ even in the biggest jar.
Then one day it happened the chef he reached the bottom.
And just to make the matters worse, the last two there were rotten.
The chef he realised his plight – he needs more herbs and spices.
He didn’t care what it would cost, no thought of what the price is.
He finally tracked down Samuel and beat upon his door.
“I’ll pay you anything you want if you can sell me more!”
But Samuel didn’t hear him and it cost him really dear
He sat with finger up his nose and snot inside each ear.
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***~~~***
5. Fashion
Of all the rubbish that you’ve bought?
Designer jeans with tears and rips
So low they hang down past your hips.
And legs with worn out battered knees.
So in the cold you sit and freeze.
Shirts hacked with scissors round the cuff,
You pay top dollar for this stuff
Because they tell you it’s the latest.
It’s top fashion – it’s the greatest.
So like sheep, you sadly foller
Spending each and every dollar.
You have to fit the latest trend
So you spend and spend and spend.
Tattoos are now the rage for all.
Pictures you wouldn’t hang upon your wall
Are in your skin in permanent ink
In reds and blues and green and pink.
They’re there for
all the world to see
Etched into your skin for eternity.
Why not a piercing through your tongue?
Get it now while you’re still young.
Of course it may cause an infection
Needing constant medical inspection.
But it’s the fashion, it’s the style
And you may find after a while
That you are speaking rather funny
And for this privilege you’ve paid good money!
But still you follow – persevere
And have ten studs put through your ear.
Your head now has a sideways lean
And that ear is so hard to clean.
And even when you have a shower
You don’t take them out ‘cause it takes an hour
And no matter how you try
Ears with studs are hard to dry.
Then with the towel they get tangled
You pull it and your ear gets mangled.
Split and bleeding – cut and raw
Then for weeks it’s red and sore.
So waiting weeks while your ear mends
You read magazines for the latest trends.
Tattoos are out and ear studs too!
Now what are you supposed to do?
Pull out the ear studs – no big deal
Now wait a month for it to heal.
The tatts though – maybe big mistakes.
If only you had stuck with fakes!
Maybe lasers would do the trick
Or lots of make-up layered on thick.
Check a magazine to see what you think.
Find your phone is the wrong shade of pink.
The shape of your computer buttons is also old.
The buttons are wrong – or so you’re told.
On the clothing page you read the news
To find the latest blacks are blues.
Your clothes are ‘out’ – simply not ‘in’
Fit only for the garbage bin.
It’s time for change – catch up with style
As for the money, it will cost a pile.
But that’s no problem, it’s not hard
Simply put it all on a credit card.
Nice new computer – brand new phone
Credit card maxed – take out a loan.
Brand new clothes – get up-to-date
Buy them all now – no time to wait.
Finished with the old stuff – don’t want it anymore.
Pile it in a heap by the garage door.
Give it to the Op Shop or sell it off cheap
It’s all only fit for the local scrap heap.
Now you’re up-to-date, so the magazine says
All your old stuff belongs to the olden days.
Look in the mirror, you’re feeling pretty great
It cost quite a bundle but now you’re up-to-date.
Pick up the magazine, turn to page 15
You’re the trendiest now that you have ever been.
Then you notice on the bottom in printing not too bold
The magazine you’re reading is almost 5 years old.
back to top
***~~~***
6. Celebrity Make-Over
I wan’t to get my ears pierced,
My tongue and nose as well.
I want to get my lips pierced,
Even though it hurts like hell.
Maybe skeletons on each ear