Enter GRAND DUKE JEFFREY SECESSIONS on his belly. He licks MacTrump’s shoes and then exits.
MACTUTTLE
Your candor is appreciated, sir,
For in this town it is a quality
That hath grown far too rare. I would not be
Here speaking unto you unless I, too,
Believ’d in winning—yea, at any cost.
MACTRUMP
Thou call’st thyself a winner? Art in jest?
Thou traitor who would rob me of election
By stripping Pubis’ war chest from my hands!
Thou lookest like the kind of loser who
Proceedeth unto church just for the parking.
My pubic hair hath more charisma, wretch!
Thou art a puppet fashion’d from a scrotum.
Is’t possible thou call’st thyself a winner?
[Exit MacTuttle in dismay. Exeunt Lindseylocks, Pubis, and other Republicon senators and parliamentarians just behind.
Yea, get ye gone, unpleasant huckleberries!
Come not to mine inauguration next!
Enter DAME DESDIVANKA and LORD JARED KUSHREW.
DESDIVANKA
My lord!
MACTRUMP
—Sweet child!
[MacTrump pushes Lady MacTrump aside and embraces Desdivanka. They hug and kiss.
MACTRUMP
—How art thou?
DESDIVANKA
—O, my father,
I saw you speaking with that giant tortoise
And wanted to approach to give my thanks
For your decision to divide your prize
With those who would enjoy it more than most,
And those who do deserve it more than any.
MACTRUMP
O, dulcet daughter, darling, princess fair,
These fat cats gladly would devour themselves
Upon that trifle pastry ’til they vomit.
Thou art life’s greatest gift, ne’er to be shar’d.
DESDIVANKA
If that be your wish, then, let them eat cake.
MACTRUMP
[to supporters:] You hear that, filthy pigs?
SUPPORTERS
—All hail
MacTrump!
MACTRUMP
What can I do for thee, my dearheart sweet?
DESDIVANKA
My husband and I—
[Kushrew waves to MacTrump.
—Yea, him over there,
Were talking over all your secretaries,
And how we thought it would be prudent if—
BANNOX
My lord, as one of those, your secretaries,
May I suggest you take your daughter’s lead,
Discussing with said secretary—me—
The very subject he deem’d prudent to
Talk over with you— [He checks his timepiece.]
—quite some time ago.
MACTRUMP
’Twill not be necessary, Bannerman.
Thou know’st the whole damn world could turn to dust
If my belovèd daughter is unhappy.
Tell me, what deem’st thou prudent?
DESDIVANKA
—Father, pray,
Perforce, it is a topic we may not
Talk o’er sans some degree of privacy.
MACTRUMP
[to Bannox:] Canst make that happen?
[Exit Bannox.
—How is that?
DESDIVANKA
—My thanks.
MACTRUMP
The world entire for thee, my mother’s milk.
What is it that thou wishest to discuss?
DESDIVANKA
But this: my brothers and I love you dearly,
And we believe it would be best if you
Share freely the suspicions you may have
Of treachery among your secretaries,
Because you know I never would betray you.
Instead, I’ll proffer you, my lord, my liege,
Whatever help you need, in any way,
To stay above the swamp that doth surround you—
Avoid the slyer demons in our shade.
MACTRUMP
I never could doubt thee, my Desdivanka.
Thou art my greatest child, my brightest star,
And I remain in debt to thee—more than
Putain, though I do owe him much as well—
For all the guidance and support thou gav’st
Throughout the terrible campaign last year.
Yea, even though I know thou art a friend
Unto the daughter of mine enemy,
Hillaria, the she-beast I did best.
DESDIVANKA
Such friendships are but fleeting, Father dear.
You taught me family is more important
Than all the wealth of any bank in Cyprum,
The Payment Islands, Prussia, Switzerloan,
And other undisclos’d offshore locations.
MACTRUMP
You truly have eclips’d me, darling girl.
Thou’rt not my equal, nay, thou art my sequel.
And if the gods be good or goddamn’d devils,
I hope to see thee someday take this stage.
[They kiss.
DESDIVANKA
[aside:] Someday. Mayhap on Monday, Tuesday, Wedn’sday.
Yea, ev’ry dawn and dusk, each day and night
Will see the rise of Desdivanka’s star.
For, hard as ’twas to win the noble fight
Against Hillaria and her she-troops,
Such was the role the heavens scripted me—
Such was the history I helped abort
To see a better woman take her place.
Is it not ev’ry girl or woman’s dream
To shatter the glass ceiling, still unbroken?
Have we not all dream’d dreams of being first?
Why should my dream be somehow unbecoming
For this, the name the Fates assign’d to me?
Fie! Spit I now on all such petty hatred!
I curse the names and faces of all those
Who scorn my father and my family,
For flaw’d as my impressive house may be,
’Tis still my name, my home, my property,
And no one hath the right to take it from me!
This is the lot Lachesis measur’d out
Whilst intertwining me to my poor parents—
As such, the only way I shall achieve
My presidential aspirations is
To bind myself unto my father’s wheel
And steer his vessel through the coming storm.
He cannot fail. Forsooth, he must not fail.
My future hinges like a door upon
His sure success, and if I fail him here,
That door may close fore’er. Such is my mission,
And I shall win the fight, so help me God!
[To MacTrump:] Farewell, kind father. Pray, enjoy this night,
Which honors thee aright. Lord Kushrew, come!
[Exeunt Desdivanka and Kushrew.
MACTRUMP
What now? Who comes? A splendid delegation!
Enter PRUSSIAN DELEGATION.
PRUSSIAN 1
O, President MacTrump, we wish you well.
Our greetings are sent from your droog Putain:
He doth congratulate you on your win,
You and your cheena, e’en Lady MacTrump.
MACTRUMP
Pray, tell Putain I sha
ll see him anon,
We’ll summit as none ever summited.
He is a mighty leader, thy Putain—
I’ve never seen the Dems so swiftly muddl’d!
PRUSSIAN 1
He is your servant, waiting on your call.
MACTRUMP
[quietly:] How go the plans for my new tow’r in Moskvá?
PRUSSIAN 1
Withdraw from the Assyrian bitva,
And then there may occasion be to talk.
MACTRUMP
Then to the Oval Tower we shall flee
And there discuss these matters close to me.
But first, another matter doth arise:
I have a bone to pick withal a steak.
That, and I straightaway must take a tinkle.
[MacTrump hands Lady MacTrump his cake. Exeunt MacTrump in the company of Prussians. Exeunt all but Lady MacTrump.
LADY M.
O, me. The saddest moments are the longest,
And this unhappy day stretch’d on for ages.
Is this to be my newfound normal life?
Is’t possible this marble city with
Its mighty corridors and halls of pow’r
Is just another prison, cold as stone?
[Lady MacTrump looks down at her slice of cake.
[To cake:] Art thou to be mine only company?
Thou wert here once before, is this not so?
Thou wert the cake prepar’d to please the tongue
Of Lord O’Bama! What a charming soul,
A handsome fellow on this dreary day,
A man of inf’nite jest and hopeful outlook,
A gentleman crown’d with unequal class,
A sunbeam piercing through the clouds above.
No concept had I of how tall he is
Or how his voice, so deep, would stir my spirit.
E’en thinking on it causeth me to tremble
As if mine ev’ry inch were made of glass!
So gentle and so kind was he with me
When we met at the White Hold stairs this morn.
His large, warm hands enfolded my glov’d palm
As if to shield me from the bitter cold.
His eyes, so soft and wise, so empathetic,
Seem’d strong enough to gaze upon my soul.
And then, ye gods, there came his tender touch:
Two gentle kisses on cheeks right and left,
Soon follow’d by th’electrifying jolt
Loos’d by his strength, enwrapp’d in gentleness,
As he did guide me up the marble steps.
I felt his pull: pure presidential pow’rs!
And when he press’d his hands upon my back,
His fingers twixt the ridges of my spine—
God save me, O, I need to sit! [She sits.] My goodness.
So much a man, so much more president.
If but that instant brief could last fore’er,
With he as president, my husband not.
Is that, then, why MacTrump gav’st thou to me?
Of course! ’Tis so! He means to tease withal,
For he is envious. I’ve found him out—
The green-ey’d monster hath infected him!
He’s jealous of the bold, superior man
We saw today: that prince, that tall defender,
Devoted husband to his only wife.
Sing to me, cake. I pray, enchant me with
The selfsame symphony of sweet sensations
Thou once deliver’dst through his parted lips.
[Lady MacTrump begins to eat her cake.
Mmm! Yes, pecan! How very tasty—
[Lady MacTrump accidentally knocks the cake off her plate with her fork.
—Nay!
Do not abscond so soon, my lovely treat!
O, leave me not. Unfold thy memories—
It hath not been five seconds! O, cake, please!
[Lady MacTrump puts the cake back onto the plate, and it falls a second time. She exits, sobbing.
SCENE 3.
Outside the MacTrump inaugural ball.
Enter DONNISON and ERICSON severally. Marching is audible in the distance. Torchlight illuminates the scene.
DONNISON
What ho, my brother! How is it with thee?
ERICSON
Holla, my eldest sibling, first of friends,
How can this night be aught but excellent?
DONNISON
The drinks, most plentifully pour’d inside,
Have stirr’d my blood into a thoughtful flow.
Yea, at the bottom of the flagons deep
Discover’d I a most reflective mood.
ERICSON
Indeed? What makes thee pensive, brother mine?
DONNISON
Couldst thou have e’er imagin’d what hath pass’d,
E’er thought our little lives would come to this?
Bethink thee on it, and be thou amaz’d:
Our father, sovereign o’er all the land,
And we the rightful princes to his post.
ERICSON
Methinks thou dost not grasp democracy,
For power doth not travel to the heir,
But rulers fairly are elected. True?
DONNISON
Alack, I am not certain. ’Tis perplexing!
For George the Elder once hath pass’d his pow’r
To George the Lesser—when we were young bucks—
With but a Billiam standing twixt the two.
This Billiam tried to pass his pow’r as well,
Unto his spouse, Hillaria.
BOTH
—The hag!
ERICSON
Then did our father fittingly prevail,
And stopp’d those naughty scoundrels in their tracks!
DONNISON
’Tis certain, then, he’ll pass the pow’r to us,
For he hath won it honestly and bigly.
ERICSON
A noble, kind, and loving father he.
Thou, brother, understand’st democracy
Far better than my younger, simpler self—
Thou showest all the wisdom of thy years.
Enter various SUPPORTERS carrying tiki torches.
SUPPORTER 2
The sons of Lord MacTrump! Give them cigars,
And let the smoke ascend to heaven’s height,
Wherefrom their mighty father hath descended!
[A drumbeat begins. The supporters break into a tomahawk chop.
DONNISON
ERICSON
—Light up, in joy!
SUPPORTERS
All hail MacTrump!
DONNISON
—MacTrump!
ERICSON
—Hail Chief
MacTrump!
[Exeunt supporters. Donnison and Ericson smoke their cigars.
DONNISON
This life doth suit us well. A worthy game,
Of which we are the rightful champions.
ERICSON
I have not felt this pleasant since the day
When I did slay my first rhinoceros.
How proud I stood beside its ashen frame,
Dead from the shots that I adeptly fir’d.
DONNISON
Well I remember! Thou wert so majestic,
Man’s triumph over nature on display!
When first I kill’d an elephant, I felt
The selfsame pride thou hadst on that fine day.
ERICSON
If thou shalt speak of prides, what of the
lions?
Remember when we slew two of a morn?
The strong name of MacTrump was known that day
Across all Africa’s savannas.
DONNISON
—Ha!
A mighty vict’ry for two mighty men.
I would not have thee think me pompous, brother,
Yet are we two not heroes?
ERICSON
—Yea, and modest—
We are the humblest heroes e’er there were.
DONNISON
Our father’s vict’ry was more mighty, though:
Consider how he hath the foe dispatch’d,
An ’twere he had her hide within his sights,
Crouch’d in the mud and set the perfect trap.
ERICSON
Ne’er was game like Hillaria.
BOTH
—The hag!
[They laugh.
DONNISON
Ah, brother, we must share more time together—
For after many months apart whilst we
Did battle in our father’s great campaign,
This fellowship doth do my spirit good.
ERICSON
Indeed, sweet brother. Perfect men like us—
Who are with ev’ry virtue well-endow’d,
Which were by our own effort justly earn’d—
Must stick together in this rough-hewn world.
DONNISON
Thou hast my loyalty unto the end.
And yet, there is one thing I feel I lack.
ERICSON
What lack? How can a one as thee know lack?
DONNISON
This is the further cause of my deep thoughts,
The mood I cannot shake, though all is won.
ERICSON
O, tell me! Bear it not by thine own self!
DONNISON
I almost am afraid to say aloud
The matter that doth weigh upon my heart.
ERICSON
My heart is beating through my breastplate! Speak!
DONNISON
’Tis love, ’tis love I lack, O Ericson!
A woman’s love, if I would be exact.
ERICSON
O, Donnison, hath love’s cruel fever dreams
Bewitch’d you too?
DONNISON
—What spak’st thou, brother mine?
ERICSON
This fortnight past I’ve lain upon my sheets,
My lonely heart near howling for a mate.
DONNISON
Thou also, brother? I have shed more tears
In these past weeks than in the past nine years,
And writ more poetry than I can say
Unto celebrity apprentices,
Emerging but with my love’s labor’s lost.
ERICSON
Thy verses could not number mine, I’ll wager,