PROSPEROSI
[correcting:] —Madam Speaker, sir.
[MacTrump tries to embrace her, but she sits on a sofa and sets her hammer down. It hits the floor with a loud, metallic thud. Everyone sits except Desdivanka, who slowly paces in the background.
Thanks for this meeting, Master President.
MACTRUMP
[smiling:] ’Tis not a problem, Nancy. Thanks for coming.
SOOTHER
We would discuss the spending bill with you.
MACTRUMP
[smiling:] I rather would discuss my needed wall,
For which I do require the funds forthwith.
PROSPEROSI
Must you retreat so quickly to your wall?
SOOTHER
Sir, we had hop’d to speak of compromise.
MACTRUMP
[smiling:] I’ll gladly compromise, once I have all That I desire.
PROSPEROSI
—Nay, ’tis no compact, sir.
MACTRUMP
[smiling:] What ever meanest thou, Miss Nancy? Hmm?
SOOTHER
I’m sure that you agree, sir, that the workers
Within the government deserve far better.
MACTRUMP
[smiling:] They do deserve their safety, which I shall
Deliver to them in the form of wall.
PROSPEROSI
Are you in jest? We must be serious
If we’d avoid the Shutdown of MacTrump.
[Pause. MacTrump is shocked. Viceroy Pound sits silently, with eyes half shut.
MACTRUMP
What didst thou say?
SOOTHER
—Pray, Master President.
MACTRUMP
“The Shutdown of MacTrump”—those were thy words?
DESDIVANKA
[aside:] Nay, Father, stop—you wander from the script!
PROSPEROSI
You seem to be hell-bent on shutting down
The government, which shall fore’er be known
In hist’ry as the Shutdown of MacTrump.
’Tis your responsibility—none other.
SOOTHER
We must have compromise to move past this—
Our hands are tied if you demand the wall.
MACTRUMP
If I get not what I desire, one way
Or th’other—whether ’tis through you, or through
A military action—yea, I shall
Shut down the government. In fact, I’m proud
To shut it all down for the sake of border
Security, Chuck. People do not want
The criminals and fiends hyp’d up on drugs
To pour into our country like a fountain.
DESDIVANKA
[aside:] Nay, Father, nay—this outcome is disastrous.
Thou shouldst frame Democrati, not take blame!
PROSPEROSI
Then let the Shutdown of MacTrump commence.
SOOTHER
[smiling:] Yea, let it. Thank you for your time, my liege.
MACTRUMP
Out! Out with ye! I’ll shut it down with glee!
[Confusion. Exeunt all except Desdivanka as MacTrump blusters off.
DESDIVANKA
He had one job—a stupid, simple task—
Let not a jot of blame fall on his shoulders
For shutting down the UF government.
Instead, what doth the bulging blockhead do?
He took the Democrati bait so quickly,
As if he were an undernourish’d shrimp.
Fie! Idiot to be so quickly foil’d.
I cannot count on him to lift me up;
By clinging to his coattails, I’ll but fall.
A new path I must find, make my own way—
Break with my father’s bumbling and dishonor
And find a wiser tyrant to embrace,
Perchance in Prussia or in North Korasia,
Where I shall despotism purely see
Without the base mix of hypocrisy.
[Exit.
SCENE 4.
In the Southern Chamber of Parliament.
Enter CLEOSANDRIA O’CASSIO.
O’CASSIO
The sound of throngs approaching pricks mine ears,
And sets my heart to beat in time with theirs.
Most fortunately, ’tis my kind of beat,
A rapid rise doth make for nimble feet.
[O’Cassio spins and dances briefly.
The people are enrag’d at both the parties
For failing to avoid this shutdown base,
A mockery of our democracy
That makes our government a laughingstock
To other nations all across the globe.
Indeed, there’s only Brexeunt that’s worse.
A portion of my colleagues are afeard—
They hear the din approaching, and have lock’d
Themselves away inside their offices,
As if they could ignore the sea of troubles,
And, by opposing, end them. Nay, not I—
The people must be seen, respected, heard.
No politician is above the people,
No height of office too beyond their reach,
No ear may be protected from their voice,
No representative above reproach,
Or else we have not serv’d our purpose here.
’Tis well I’m young; to win this fight will take
A generation more than many live.
She ventures into the hall. Enter LADY NANCY PROSPEROSI.
PROSPEROSI
My lady Cleosandria, well met.
Hast heard the chanting of the coming throng?
O’CASSIO
Indeed! It seems the people would be heard,
And I have come to meet them willfully.
PROSPEROSI
Thou holdest insight far beyond thy years—
Yet twenty-nine but wiser than your elders.
O’CASSIO
My thanks. These words fall gently on mine ears,
For thou hast ever been a paradigm,
Though I could wish for someone younger to
Be Speaker of the House.
PROSPEROSI
—Experience
I proffer, far beyond what others bring.
O’CASSIO
Yet thou dismiss’st the Green New Deal too soon.
PROSPEROSI
Too soon? My dear, I have been fighting for
The principles in thy proposal e’er!
Votes I have cast protecting species whole
From their extinction ere thou e’en wert born.
This war I’ve vigorously fought for decades,
Ascending past our hist’ry’s other women
Despite relentless ridicule from the
Republicons and boors in our own party.
O’CASSIO
Please take my few critiques not as indiff’rence
To thine achievements, Lady Prosperosi.
The barriers you overcame are still
A vicious cancer ’mongst the Democrati
Despite thy years of trusted leadership.
PROSPEROSI
If such blunt statements are thy best defenses,
I’ll wager that thou needest better weapons.
Republicons already work against thee,
And I’ll not have thy fresh career disrupt
Our party’s goals, though thou art popular.
Thou art a champion of change, my sister,
And shalt ea
rn for thyself a mighty hammer.
Enthusiasm, though, is not enow
To make thy greenest dreams realities.
Yet if we would create change for the planet,
We must needs be as subtle as the tides.
O’CASSIO
Methinks the tides of change will sweep thee under
Unless thou walk’st in step withal the times.
For now, though, may we set aside these quarrels?
The chanting crowd hath enter’d to the chamber—
I prithee, wilt thou thither walk with me?
PROSPEROSI
Yea, such was my intention. Let us go.
They walk through the halls. Enter a crowd of PROTESTORS.
PROTESTORS
[chanting:] Something is rotten inside of this dump!
Pay all the workers and furlough MacTrump!
Stop the shutdown!
[Protestors spot O’Cassio and Prosperosi.
PROTESTOR 1
Behold, employees of the government
Who still receive their recompense, e’en whilst
Eight hundred thousand of our citizens
Go sans a paycheck ev’ry fortnight. Shame!
PROTESTOR 2
Is this America? How can this be—
The richest nation in the world entire
Unable to pay workers for their toil.
O’CASSIO
Friends, people, citizens, lend me your ears:
To shut down government is not the norm
When politicians get not what we want.
The truth of this vile shutdown, friends, is that
’Tis actually not about a wall.
The truth is worse: this shutdown is about
The swift erosion of democracy,
Subversion of our governmental norms,
Which are most basic for our operations.
PROTESTOR 3
We love thee—Cleosandria ascendant!
PROTESTOR 4
[to Properosi:] Thou show’d the president a lion’s strength
As thou negotiated over this—
For that, thou hast our humble gratitude.
What, though, shalt thou do next to force his hand?
PROSPEROSI
The Constitution calls the president
From time to time to give unto both chambers
Intelligence of the State of the Union.
Alas, the UF Secret Servers and
Department of UF Security
Have not been funded twenty-six full days—
With critical departments cut by furloughs.
Thus, given the security concerns
And, ’less the government doth open soon,
We must determine dates alternative
For President MacTrump to come deliver
The State of th’Union. Let me be most clear:
The Southern Chamber shall not take a vote
To authorize the president’s address
Within the walls of our dear chamber if
The government hath not been open’d. Yea:
He hath no invitation to this house.
PROTESTOR 4
Three cheers for Prosperosi!
PROTESTORS
—Yea, hurrah!
They continue to chant. Enter MACTRUMP and FOOLIANI above, on balcony.
MACTRUMP
She cannot disinvite me!
FOOLIANI
—Zounds, she can.
MACTRUMP
There must be aught that I can do!
FOOLIANI
—There’s not.
MACTRUMP
Not one?
FOOLIANI
—You could be the first president
To give the great address from Tow’r MacTrump.
MACTRUMP
Nay, it must be the Southern Chamber—fie!
The queen hath trapp’d the king and call’d it ’mate.
Yet, as I have whenever I have lost,
I’ll topple o’er the board and scatter pieces
Across the room. I do not like to lose.
FOOLIANI
Then thou must have your cake and eat it, too—
Beneficently ope the government,
Then find another means to get your wall—
For wall is good and wall is necessary.
MACTRUMP
Another means? I’ll hear thee speak more on’t.
[Exeunt MacTrump and Fooliani from balcony.
O’CASSIO
Each member of this body hath a vast
Responsibility unto this nation,
To ev’ryone in the United Fiefdoms,
Yea, whether they did vote for us or not.
MacTrump shares that responsibility,
Which means he must needs answer unto ye.
[Exeunt O’Cassio and Prosperosi, waving.
PROTESTORS
Huzzah!
PROTESTOR 1
—The government must open’d be!
PROTESTOR 2
Eight hundred thousand need what they deserve!
[All cheer.
PROTESTOR 1
Let us unto the Northern Chamber next!
Enter MCTWEET and FOOLIANI, aside.
MCTWEET
[aside to Fooliani:] Art thou most sure MacTrump would this proclaim?
The shutdown talk doth generate much traffic.
FOOLIANI
Forsooth! This next announcement shall be his
Late Christmas gift unto our citizens.
MCTWEET
If thou art sure. [To all:] Such news you’ll not believe!
The shutdown hath been ended by MacTrump,
Who reach’d agreement with the legislators
And shall soon sign a bill to open up
It seems the time requir’d to break MacTrump
Is five-and-thirty days.
PROTESTORS
—Hurrah, at last!
Enter MACTRUMP above, on balcony. All below listen intently.
MACTRUMP
Emergency! Emergency, I say!
Declare a national emergency!
MCTWEET
[aside:] MacTrump: he is the gift that keeps on giving.
MACTRUMP
We’ll have ourselves a great emergency,
The greatest, best emergency e’er known—
This ’mergency, I say, shall be so yuge.
There’s an invasion of our country, see,
With drugs, with human traffickers, and such,
With ev’ry type of criminal and gang.
Of course, I did not need to do this thing—
I will that it be faster done, ’tis all.
I’ll have emergency, and then have wall.
[The protestors yell angrily. Fooliani shakes his marotte. Bells jingle. All exeunt.
SCENE 5.
The White Hold residence. Evening.
Enter GARGAMILLER above the rooftop. It is snowing. An enormous red moon rises.
GARGAMILLER
The polar vortex swirleth round about,
And all of Washingtown is frightf’lly cold.
The planet’s equilibrium upset,
The whole world teeters on a knife blade’s edge.
Arising o’er the chill of winter’s bite,
Behold! The blood wolf dragon moon ascends;
The fullest, reddest, most myster’ous orb
That we shall, in our lives, expect to see.
Like the eclip
se that shock’d the nation so,
This messenger of heaven doth portend
A future whose events we may but guess!
[Exit Gargamiller.
Enter MACTRUMP, LADY MACTRUMP, DAME DESDIVANKA, LORD JARED KUSHREW, DONNISON, and ERICSON in the family sitting room. A crackling fire fills the fireplace. MACTRUMP paces impatiently. LADY MACTRUMP peeks outside through window curtains. DESDIVANKA and KUSHREW sit on a sofa, their eyes downcast. DONNISON and ERICSON chat quietly and smoke cigars. Everyone is dressed for travel except the brothers, who are dressed for hunting.
MACTRUMP
I well know what I do—was born for this.
So good am I. Amazing just how good.
To use a national emergency
To build my wall shall ever be known as
The smartest act a president has done.
They’ll carve my face upon the mountains by
The time I’m finish’d with this work. Yuge mountains.
By heav’n, I could begin the work myself
Once my great wall is built.
[A clock strikes.
—God damn the time!
What takes the coachman so long to depart?
Guard!
Enter GUARD.
GUARD
—Yes, my lord.
MACTRUMP
—Where are our carriages?
I must to Mar-Iago presently
For greatly needed rest and relaxation.
My children, too, would go their sep’rate ways,
Since we have some intelligence receiv’d
Of an unwelcome visitor who cometh.
GUARD
Apologies, sire, but the weather is
Too foul for travel still. We must needs wait
Until the winter storm is past.
MACTRUMP
—Forsooth,
Thou art as useless as a Bible in
A whorehouse. Get thee out!
[Exit Guard.
—I cannot stand
This cursèd city and its lazy losers.
How else am I suppos’d to pass the time?
DESDIVANKA
Why not try reading something, father mine?
MACTRUMP
Art thou in jest? Hast thou observ’d the papers
With trait’rous LaCöhen on ev’ry page,
Dispensing lies about me for the world?
I need the comfort of my greens and holes.
Exertions lately have exhausted me—
’Twas hard enough to find my Prussian passport
Inside a draw’r of presidential socks.
’Tis taxing.
LADY M.
[looking out the window:] —Horrid more than taxes due—
A red moon rises, and then disappears!
What is the portent thereof? Who can tell’t?