—I know not! I am not
A doctor of the psyche. Why not ask
The neurosurgeon you do keep around.
PUCKABEE
That quack thinks Jesus kill’d the dinosaurs!
KELLEYANNE
Pray, Doctor, give us counsel.
ENOS
—First things first.
Where is the headcase?
Enter LADY MACTRUMP carrying a doublet and a candle.
PUCKABEE
—Lo, e’en now she comes!
KELLEYANNE
This may be double-double trouble.
ENOS
—Hide!
[Puckabee, Kelleyanne, and Enos hide behind the cabinet and watch Lady MacTrump.
LADY M.
[to doublet:] There is a frightful stain upon thy back.
A disappointing blot, I do confess—
Mayhap I could convince the populace
The marks were made by sitting in a chair,
Or leaning up against graffiti’d walls
So wet with paint that they did leave these strange
Impressions on the doublet. Verily,
If I foreknew the backlash I’d endure
When first I wrote the few words thereupon,
I’d ne’er have penn’d them. O, thou naughty doublet!
ENOS
God’s wounds. The lady’s daffy!
PUCKABEE
—Thou dost see!
ENOS
Hath she been ever thus?
KELLEYANNE
—I know but this:
She hath not slept since she and Lord MacTrump
Exchang’d their vows.
ENOS
—How long ago was that?
KELLEYANNE
’Twas sixteen years, and near as many months.
[Bells jingle.
ENOS
Hark, hark! I hear a tintinnabulation.
PUCKABEE
The jester comes. Be silent presently!
Bells jingle louder. Enter FOOLIANI.
FOOLIANI
Good even, sleepy lady.
LADY M.
[to Fooliani:] —Noble knight,
I bid thee well. I prithee, honor me
By slaying the disorienting dragon
That hath encirclèd its confusing coils
Around my restless mind. I stainage see
Upon my garments, which doth speak to me
In ways that do make sleep impossible.
Inspect this doublet, please. What should I do?
And how remove th’embarrassment thereof?
[Fooliani examines the doublet.
FOOLIANI
Unless I am illiterate, it seems
There’s writing hereupon.
LADY M.
—My hero, thou!
What doth it say, O noble man of letters?
FOOLIANI
It reads: “I verily don’t care. Do you?”
LADY M.
[to doublet:] O, naughty spot that still is not rubb’d out!
The tiny hands of migrant children e’en
Could not erase the blot. O, suffering!
Though I have scrubb’d, thy message still appears
And I do pay the cost. They think me heartless—
A simple and unthinking former model
And not a model lady. I’ll not have’t!
They say that FLOTUF hath a rotten motive.
No doublet may humiliate me so,
Especi’lly such an inexpensive one.
Be gone, foul stain. I’ll make thee disappear,
For what I wrote now noisome turns for me!
[Exit Lady MacTrump.
FOOLIANI
Please do! I verily don’t care as well.
[Fooliani shakes his marotte. Bells jingle. Exit Fooliani.
KELLEYANNE
Is’t safe enow for us to doublespeak?
ENOS
Indeed it must be—you must be first to hear
My carefully consider’d diagnosis:
The woman, speaking medic’lly, is crack’d.
PUCKABEE
What mounting madness! Her mind hath been riv’n.
Profoundest tragedy.
KELLEYANNE
—This may explain
Why she and Lord MacTrump have never made
The beast with double backs since they arriv’d
Into the White Hold.
ENOS
—Foh! Say, is there some
Nepenthe in this cab’net strong enow
To purge that horrid image from my pate?
[Enos attempts to open the cabinet.
PUCKABEE
Be still! We do not know if it is safe
For us to come forth from our hiding place.
KELLEYANNE
All seemeth safe; no clue of her I see.
PUCKABEE
Where hath our lady gone, so wondrous quick?
Enter FOOLIANI from the cabinet.
FOOLIANI
She’s in the kitchen with the candlestick.
[The others scream, startled. Fooliani shakes his marotte. Bells jingle. Exeunt.
SCENE 6.
In the White Hold dining hall.
Enter MACTRUMP and DAME DESDIVANKA.
MACTRUMP
Despite my lady’s strange nocturnal walks,
Of which the doctor telleth me of late,
Methinks the day arriveth with new hope.
Last night, I slumber’d better than I have
This fortnight past—my bladder woke me not,
My thoughts were settl’d calmly in my mind,
And I awoke refresh’d for what may come.
DESDIVANKA
Your news is wondrous, Father, for I know
Too long you have been plagu’d by lack of sleep.
MACTRUMP
For certain, some of it was for good reason.
Let us enjoy a hearty feast together—
’Tis well past lunchtime, and ’tis my desire
To name you my new aide-de-camp whilst all
Are too stuff’d up with food to stand or speak.
Pray, summon all the chumps, the chaff, and chefs!
DESDIVANKA
Yes, Father.
[Exit Desdivanka.
MACTRUMP
—This shall be the best of times.
[Calling:] McTweet!
Enter MCTWEET.
MCTWEET
—You call’d a bird of finest feather?
MACTRUMP
Tell me the latest news, McTweet.
MCTWEET
—It says:
[McTweet produces several pages and reads from them.
Your newest judge for our esteem’d High Court
Hath waken’d faithful voters and hath giv’n
The Democrati multitude forebodings,
A thing MacTuttle thinks shall help him hold
The Northern Chamber in November next.
MACTRUMP
A clever gambit. Please, send compliments
To Turtleneck.
[McTweet makes a note with his quill.
MCTWEET
—I shall! [Reading:] There was a rally
Across the river, which some tweeters fear
May violent become.
MACTRUMP
—Why? Who is there?
MCTWEET
Some members of the neo Swastiklan
Withal Konfed’rate Knights
of Khristendom.
MACTRUMP
O, all good people, those. Do let me know
If any of them injur’d are.
MCTWEET
—Yea, lord.
Enter DONNISON and ERICSON.
DONNISON
My father!
MACTRUMP
—Issue! What brings ye to me?
DONNISON
We hither come with most perplexing news,
Yet hope-fill’d, too.
ERICSON
—Which doth involve two ladies!
MACTRUMP
Two ladies, eh? Well, I should like to hear’t!
We are about to dine upon our luncheon.
Shall you two join? The mess is bringing forth
MacWhoppers, Chicken Niblets, and fillets;
And we, of course, shall all have fries with that.
DONNISON
Delightful in the height! Yea, count us in.
MACTRUMP
Then we shall gladly toast the House MacTrump!
I prithee, boys, hold back your news for last.
I’ve vital news to share about your sister,
And ye should be here when I do announce.
DONNISON
We’ll heed your call and wait our cue.
ERICSON
—Hurrah!
MCTWEET
My lord MacTrump, these final sheets detail
Developments come from the inquisition.
MACTRUMP
I need not hear them now. Shoo! Buzz off, buzzard.
May I not share a moment with my sons?
DONNISON
Yea! Beat it, birdbrain!
ERICSON
—Find a worm to chew!
MCTWEET
[aside:] These apples did not fall far from their tree.
[Exit McTweet.
Enter DAME DESDIVANKA and LORD JARED KUSHREW.
DESDIVANKA
Wise Father, all your staff do stand assembl’d.
MACTRUMP
Good. Send them in.
DONNISON
—Fair greetings, family!
[Kushrew waves. Desdivanka does not.
DESDIVANKA
O, boys, what errand brings you hither now?
DONNISON
We have intelligence about our father,
Which we learned from the protestors.
ERICSON
—Two ladies!
DESDIVANKA
But Father, sanction you their presence here?
MACTRUMP
Of course! If they would play the part of grown-ups,
They shall be seated at the big boys’ table.
DESDIVANKA
As you desire, my lord and sovereign.
[Aside:] A thousand poxes on my brothers two
Should they disrupt this most important lunch!
Enter SIR JOHN MACKEELEY, LADY KELLEYANNE BOLEYN, LADY SARAH PUCKABEE, SIR MICHAEL POMPEII, and GUARDS carrying trays of food.
MACTRUMP
Be seated, ev’ryone, and tuck ye in!
[All sit and begin to eat.
As ye well know, there have been many changes
Within the White Hold since I took the throne.
I stand most proud of some, while others prov’d
Disgraceful, sad, and fit for total losers.
’Tis wherefore I shall fire Sir John MacKeeley
As aide-de-camp and shall replace him with
My brilliant, lovely daughter, Desdivanka…
MACKEELEY
Wait, what?
POMPEII
[rising:] —My lord MacTrump, I must object!
MACTRUMP
Mayhap I shall appoint Lord Kushrew as
My new and loyal secret’ry of state
Anon since thou, Pompeii, so soon object’st.
MACKEELEY
My lord MacTrump, if I may speak a word—
DESDIVANKA
Another word from thee and I shall make
My first achievement thine immediate
Discharge for insubordination. Tut!
KELLEYANNE
This is so plusgood, lord, I speechless am.
PUCKABEE
My lord, how shall I tell this to the public?
DESDIVANKA
Thou canst begin, thou Suckerbee, by showing
This most unworthy officer the door
And telling all thy mewling faux news cronies
The reason wherefore thou still hast a job.
Unless, of course, thou wishest to be fir’d.
MACTRUMP
[to sons:] Is not my daughter wonderful?
[Donnison and Ericson look up from their plates, with their mouths too full of food to speak.
DONNISON
—Mff?
ERICSON
—Erg?
MACKEELEY
[to Desdivanka:] Speak not so boldly to me, nasty woman!
MACTRUMP
What? Nasty? Thou wouldst disrespect my daughter
With that same word that I did use to outrage
The Democrati fiend Hillaria?
MACKEELEY
You reek of mockery and monarchy.
Enjoy your feast; MacMueller soon shall serve
You all indictments for your just deserts!
DESDIVANKA
So bleat the sheep within MacMueller’s flock.
Have a MacLambchop as thou dost depart.
[Kushrew offers MacKeeley a sandwich. MacKeeley throws it on the ground and stomps on it. Exit MacKeeley.
MACTRUMP
This luncheon was a thrill. Doth anyone
Have aught additional that they would speak?
Enter MCTWEET.
MCTWEET
My lord, that protest I spake of before
Hath lately, as was fear’d, turn’d violent!
[Reading:] “The people gather’d silently this morn,
The fog of early fall encircling them.
Approach’d the helpless protestors, as though
He merely would discuss some point withal.
When he drew closer, though, his purpose chang’d.
More swiftly than a person can imagine,
He drew his weapon, aim’d toward the crowd,
And fir’d his gun incessantly thereon.
The shooter had e’en better armor than
The officer who fin’lly struck him down.”
MACTRUMP
Ah. Too bad.
DONNISON
—Protest? Where?
MCTWEET
—Across the river.
DESDIVANKA
What are the numbers like?
MCTWEET
—Beg pardon?
ERICSON
—Ah!
DESDIVANKA
How many dead or hurt?
MACTRUMP
—Yea, make report.
If small enow, we may not have to speak.
PUCKABEE
Which is less work for me, the heav’ns be thank’d.
MCTWEET
A dozen citizens, at least, were injur’d,
And two were kill’d. Two women, roommates both,
Who have attended many peaceful protests,
And both from families of immigrants—
One callèd Marianne and one Justine.
ERICSON
O Lord! Ju
stine?
DONNISON
—And Marianne? Alas!
How shall we bed them, if they have been slain?
MCTWEET
Four hundredth public shooting of the year.
As previously, victims were defenseless,
The killer proudly voted for MacTrump,
And legislation shall not change a whit.
Republicons are sharing sympathies—
Should I send forth a message from you, too?
MACTRUMP
Pray do. McTweet, please tell my followers
That House MacTrump sends out our thoughts and pray’rs.
DESDIVANKA
Yet only if this first report is true—
If it is prov’n the two are persons real.
MACTRUMP
Ah, yes. To err with caution, daughter dear,
Is wiser than to err with full support,
For I have heard intelligence of late
Suggesting so-call’d victims of mass shootings,
Together with their so-call’d families,
May be but crisis actors on their stage,
Deliv’ring a performance worthy of
Dick Burbage when he wept as ancient Lear.
[Donnison and Ericson look sadly at each other.
What is it, boys? Hath something made you ill?
DONNISON
Of course we cannot certain be, and yet
Methinks these were no actors, they were real—
As real as we do stand before you now.
ERICSON
These women two—Justine and Marianne—
Are those selfsame to whom we lost our hearts.
Of course, the two were liberals and mean,
And would not give their love to us anon.
DESDIVANKA
O, be not too sad, brothers—as you know,
The sea contains a school of fish.
DONNISON
—Not so,
We’d rather be with ladies sweet, not fish.
ERICSON
And ne’er did I like school.
DESDIVANKA
—Ye miss the point.
Besides, those trollops were not right for ye:
I gander’d by the blossoms as you two
Did hunt these wenches cheap like jungle cats.
They shar’d obscenities about our father
And wish’d MacMueller would destroy our name!
You flew like flies unto the honeypot.
MACTRUMP
Is’t true? My sons, are these the women whom
You wish’d to tell me of? What fops you are.
How oft have I told you not to engage
A lady ’less she hath already sign’d
Our family’s strong nondisclosure contracts?
DONNISON
Apologies, my sis and father both—
We had a momentary lapse of judgment,
Which, thankfully, this slaying sets aright.
ERICSON