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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Doescher, Ian, author. | Barton, Kent, illustrator. | Green, Helen, cover artist
Taming of the clueless / by Ian Doescher; interior illustrations by Kent
Barton; cover illustration by Helen Green.
LCSH: Shakespeare, William, 1564–1616—Parodies, imitations, etc. |
Clueless (Motion picture)—Adaptations.
PS3604.O3419 T36 2020
DDC 812/.6—dc23 2019038539
ISBN 9781683691754
Ebook ISBN 9781683691754
Text by Ian Doescher
Cover designed by Andie Reid
Interior designed by Molly Rose Murphy
Interior illustrations by Kent Barton
Cover illustration by Helen Green
Production management by John J. McGurk
Quirk Books
215 Church Street
Philadelphia, PA 19106
quirkbooks.com
a_prh_5.4_c0_r2
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Also by Ian Doescher
A Note About the Series
List of Illustrations
Dramatis Personae
Prologue
Act I
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Act II
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Act III
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Act IV
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Act V
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Epilogue
Afterword
Acknowledgments
Reader’s Guide
About the Author
For family, in broad and narrow senses—
To Jennifer, Graham, Liam, J, and T—
For giving me your patience and your love
Especially in times when I was clueless
ALSO BY IAN DOESCHER
MacTrump
THE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S STAR WARS SERIES
The Phantom of Menace: Stars Wars Part the First
The Clone Army Attacketh: Star Wars Part the Second
Tragedy of the Sith’s Revenge: Star Wars Part the Third
Star Wars: Verily, A New Hope
The Empire Striketh Back: Star Wars Part the Fifth
The Jedi Doth Return: Star Wars Part the Sixth
The Force Doth Awaken: Star Wars Part the Seventh
Jedi the Last: Star Wars Part the Eighth
THE POP SHAKESPEARE SERIES
Much Ado About Mean Girls
Get Thee Back to the Future!
A NOTE ABOUT THE SERIES
Welcome to the world of Pop Shakespeare!
Each book in this series gives a Shakespearean makeover to your favorite movie or television show, re-creating each moment from the original as if the Bard of Avon had written it himself. The lines are composed in iambic pentameter, and the whole is structured into acts and scenes, complete with numbered lines and stage directions.
Astute readers will be delighted to discover Easter eggs, historical references, and sly allusions to Shakespeare’s most famous plays, characters, and themes, which you can learn more about in the author’s Afterword. A Reader’s Guide is also included, for those who want to learn more about Shakespeare’s style.
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
1: Frontispiece
“Each morn I rise with brushing of the teeth
2: And choose my clothing for the day to come.”
“Did Doctor Seuss
Take thee unto a haberdashery,
And afterward treat thee unto a meal
3: Of em’rald chicken’s eggs and jambon vert?”
4: “Whate’er.”
“’Tis wherefore I have come unto this place,
5: This refuge mine: Westside Pavilion mall.”
“In simple letters, penn’d by tender hand,
There was a verse of passing beauty writ,
6: with signature of one Admirer Secret.”
“We shall both read one book—not school assign’d—
7: For education and enjoyment both.”
“The way lads dress is nothing short of odd,
8: As if they fell, like apples, from their beds…”
“A chick doth signal me by feather shed.
9: Perchance she’ll help me climb the pecking order.”
“I’ll paint thee to appear as white as snow,
10: Yet thou art flush’d, and must unwind thy nerves…”
“I cannot stop our progress—we are bound
11: Unto the boulevard, whatever will!”
12: “Help! Stop, ye villains! Help! O, bring me up!”
“Do thy words mean thou car’st for me as well?”
13: “More care have I than I could ever tell.”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
CHER, a young woman
DIONNE, her friend
TAI, Cher’s protégé
JOSH, Cher’s ex-stepbrother
MURRAY, Dionne’s paramour
TRAVIS, a layabout
ELTON, a brute
CHRISTIAN, a fop
AMBER, a bitter young woman
SUMMER and LAWRENCE, students
HEATHER, Josh’s sometime paramour
MEL HOROWITZ, Cher’s father
LADY TOBY GEIST, a schoolmarm
MASTER WENDELL HALL, a scholar
LUCY, a cleaning woman
LADY STOEGER, a physical education teacher
GAIL, Josh’s mother
BALTHASAR, a musician
JANE, a narrator
VARIOUS PUPILS and INSTRUCTORS
Beverly Hills, California, in the New World.
Enter JANE, a narrator.
JANE
Cher—handsome, clever, rich—who had a home
Most comfortable, a happy disposition,
Seem’d to unite, wherever she did roam,
The blessings of existence’s condition.
She lived for some untrammel’d sixteen years
Within the world, with little to distress
Or vex her. Nothing brought her unto tears—
Though on herself she could have ponder’d less.
Her father treated her indulgently—
Cher’s mother died too long ago for her
To have any distinctive memory
Of the caresses she did once confer.
Behold what challenges to Cher arrive—
The romance of a virgin who can’t drive.
[Exit.
The Horowitz house and Bronson Alcott High School.
Enter CHER, DIONNE, MURRAY, AMBER, and other STUDENTS at a party. Enter BALTHASAR aside, providing music.
CHER
[aside:] Noble patricians, patrons of my right,
Belike ye look upon mine excesses—
My friends and I all gather’d near the pool,
Array’d in swimsuits, sun upon our backs,
The very height of beauty, youth, and joy,
No cares about the future, come what will—
And wonder: hath I somehow stepp’d inside
A strange advertisement for cleansing cream?
Noxzema, goddess Greek of lasses pure,
Hath no role in the drama that we play.
Take mine assurance—nobles, groundlings both—
I am a teenage girl of normal life,
Who never look’d to rise above her place
Or face the world with aught but normalcy.
BALTHASAR
[singing:] Behold, beyond the window, ’neath the sky,
The rushing carriages do pass thee by,
Whilst I do sit, to loneliness resign’d,
And ponder wherefore questions fill my mind.
’Tis Friday night! I feel the soothing heat
And search this filthy city for a beat—
Downtown, the young ones go, hey nonny non,
Downtown, the young ones grow, hey nonny hey!
We are the children of America,
The children we of new America.
[Exeunt all but Cher.
My days are spent, I’ll wager, as yours are—
Each morn I rise with brushing of the teeth,
And choose my clothing for the day to come.
So many dresses, doublets, pantaloons,
Vests, girdles, hoop skirts, blouses, hose, and shoes—
In combinations of the rainbow’s hues—
That I must use a system most advanc’d
To tell me whether what I did select
Displays a fashion sense befitting of
My reputation as a lady fine.
Once I am satisfied my garments shall
Give complement unto my disposition,
I am prepar’d to say good morning to
My father, Mel, a litigator he.
His are the most ferocious types of lawyers—
He chargeth forth with lawsuits like a knight
And storms ten castles ere the noon bell rings.
Our cleaning woman, Lucy, fears his strength,
And rushes from him when he entereth.
So skill’d my father is that he may charge
Five hundred ducats should he choose to grant
His talent, voice, and wisdom to your suit.
’Tis privilege to know the mighty man,
And better yet to be his only daughter.
He fighteth like a pugilist against
His enemies across the courtroom floor—
Yet though so many pay him for the honor,
He fighteth me for free, no charge requir’d,
For I am daughter to the mighty Mel.
Enter MEL HOROWITZ. CHER hands him a glass of juice.
MEL
O, shall it ever be this juice with thee?
CHER
The vitamins the earth provides are vital
If thou wouldst healthy be and healthy stay.
A for thy teeth, thy bones, and tissue soft,
B6 to keep thy brain in proper function,
B12 for central nervous system health,
C—in this juice—for gums and healing pow’r,
D that thou mayst have calcium in full,
E for thy red blood cells to form and thrive,
K for coagulation of the blood.
An alphabet of wonders natural
That none but fools and scoundrels would disdain.
Thou wouldst be none of these methinks, ’tis true?
MEL
Where is my satchel? I am late to leave.
CHER
Two months hath pass’d since we to Malibu
Have ventur’d. Father, now the time hath come.
MEL
Did those two droning dismal-dreaming knaves
Call on thee once again?
CHER
—They are thy parents,
And thou dost owe them some allegiance, sir.
They have begot thee, bred thee, lov’d thee; thou
Return those duties back as are right fit:
Obey them, love them, and most honor them.
Today, thou must not slither from thine office
Like serpents in the grass avoiding hawks.
Good Doctor Lovett shall convene with thee—
He hath consulted with th’apothecary
And shall dispense thine influenza shot.
MEL
One shot unwelcome doth deserve another:
My stepson Josh shall sup with us tonight.
CHER
Yet why?
MEL
—He is stepbrother unto thee.
CHER
Thou wert but married to his mum a trice
Ere ye were justifiably divorc’d,
Yet Josh hangs on like barnacle to rock.
’Twas five years hence, a length of time too long
For him to still pursue a link with thee.
Say wherefore, then, must I spend time withal?
MEL
Divorce is made for spouses, not for children.
CHER
Take thou thy juice and I’ll consider it.
MEL
Forget thy juice, and thou shalt still do so.
[Exit Mel.
CHER
[aside:] He is a man of wondrous temper, yea,
Yet also sparks of generosity.
Did I yet show to ye the carriage he
Hath giv’n to me upon my birthday last?
In faith, this coach is loqu’d out in the height.
Four wheels that do propel the cart along,
Bags fill’d with air for safety on each side,
A music box that traveleth beside
As if an orchestra did with thee ride.
No license have I thus to operate,
Yet ’tis a learning vehicle, no more.
The neighbors’ statuettes and planting boxes
Athwart my passage stand at their own risk—
When Cher doth hold the reins behind the wheel,
Whate’er is not affix’d unto the earth
May be in peril grave, I do confess.
Arrive I presently to Dionne’s home—
My closest friend and ally, verily.
We have in common much, yet mainly this:
The jealousy of many touches us—
We know what ’tis to face the green-ey’d monster.
Dionne and I were christen’d after two
Fantastic singers of a bygone time,
Who—in the present time—hath found their fame
Upon the stages of the infomercials.
Enter DIONNE, climbing into CHER’S carriage.
DIONNE
Holla, sweet Cher.
CHER
—My best, my darling mate!
I must remark upon thy bravery
That thou wouldst wear such frippery as this.
Thou ever hadst courageous fashion efforts.
DIONNE
Thou likest, then, my hat?
CHER
—Did Doctor Seuss
Take thee unto a haberdashery,
And afterward treat
thee unto a meal
Of em’rald chicken’s eggs and jambon vert?
DIONNE
Perhaps ’tis not the fashion of the day,
Yet I—unlike thee, dear—skinn’d not a collie
To fabricate a handbag.
CHER
—’Tis faux collie.
I prithee, dog me not with mockery.
DIONNE
Didst see? Thou pass’d a sign that bid thee stop—
’Twas large and red, octagonally shap’d—
Yet thou drove on like thou wert being chas’d.
CHER
A pause complete I register’d therein.
DIONNE
If thou shalt thus maintain, I’ll not gainsay,
So loyal is my friendship unto thee.
[They arrive at their school. A bell rings to summon Dionne.
Eight-thirty on the instant and the ring
Of Murray’s summons plays upon mine ears.
The lad’s love for me riseth with the sun.
Enter various STUDENTS swirling around them.
CHER
Belike he’d gladly make thee his possession,
A gunnysack to carry by his side.
DIONNE
Thou hast it right—this weekend he did call
Upon me, asking, “Whither art thou bound,
And where hast been these several past hours?”
Responded I, “At my grandmother’s house,
Where o’er the river, through the woods I went—”
CHER
[aside:] ’Tis ever thus with Dionne and her Murray—
The lovers e’er enact a drama vast,
As if they were but actors on a stage,
Their scenes with rage, desire, and passion writ,
The world their audience, which hangs upon
Each angry, tender word the players speak.
Not since the households of Verona hath
There been a tale of paramours as these.
Belike they have too frequently observ’d
The tale of Tina Turner and her Ike.
Yet what’s love got to do with it? Speak not,
’Tis but my part to ask this question next:
[To Dionne:] Dee, wherefore dost thou bear the horrid boy,
For thou ’mongst women art a paragon
And could choose any lad thou dost desire.
DIONNE
Tut! He approacheth suddenly.
Enter MURRAY.
MURRAY
—My lass,