Pause
Then he touched me.
Pause
He touched the back of my neck. His fingers, lightly, touching, lightly, touching, the back, of my neck.
DUFF
The funny thing was, when I looked, when the shower was over, the man and woman under the trees on the other side of the pond had gone. There wasn't a soul in the park.
BETH
I wore a white beach robe. Underneath I was naked.
Pause
There wasn't a soul on the beach. Very far away a man was sitting, on a breakwater. But even so he was only a pinpoint, in the sun. And even so I could only see him when I was standing, or on my way from the shore to the dune. When I lay down I could no longer see him, therefore he couldn't see me.
Pause
I may have been mistaken. Perhaps the beach was empty. Perhaps there was no-one there.
Pause
He couldn't see . . . my man . . . anyway. He never stood up.
Pause
Snoozing how lovely I said to him. But I wasn't a fool, on that occasion. I lay quiet, by his side.
Silence
DUFF
Anyway . . .
BETH
My skin . . .
DUFF
I'm sleeping all right these days.
BETH
Was stinging.
DUFF
Right through the night, every night.
BETH
I'd been in the sea.
DUFF
Maybe it's something to do with the fishing. Getting to learn more about fish.
BETH
Stinging in the sea by myself.
DUFF
They're very shy creatures. You've got to woo them. You must never get excited with them. Or flurried. Never.
BETH
I knew there must be a hotel near, where we could get some tea.
Silence
DUFF
Anyway . . . luck was on my side for a change. By the time I got out of the park the pubs were open.
Pause
So I thought I might as well pop in and have a pint. I wanted to tell you. I met some nut in there. First of all I had a word with the landlord. He knows me. Then this nut came in. He ordered a pint and he made a criticism of the beer. I had no patience with it.
BETH
But then I thought perhaps the hotel bar will be open. We'll sit in the bar. He'll buy me a drink. What will I order? But what will he order? What will he want? I shall hear him say it. I shall hear his voice. He will ask me what I would like first. Then he'll order the two drinks. I shall hear him do it.
DUFF
This beer is piss, he said. Undrinkable. There's nothing wrong with the beer, I said. Yes there is, he said, I just told you what was wrong with it. It's the best beer in the area, I said. No it isn't, this chap said, it's piss. The landlord picked up the mug and had a sip. Good beer, he said. Someone's made a mistake, this fellow said, someone's used this pintpot instead of the boghole.
Pause
The landlord threw a half a crown on the bar and told him to take it. The pint's only two and three, the man said, I owe you three pence, but I haven't got any change. Give the threepence to your son, the landlord said, with my compliments. I haven't got a son, the man said, I've never had any children. I bet you're not even married, the landlord said. This man said: I'm not married. No-one'll marry me.
Pause
Then the man asked the landlord and me if we would have a drink with him. The landlord said he'd have a pint. I didn't answer at first, but the man came over to me and said: Have one with me. Have one with me.
Pause
He put down a ten bob note and said he'd have a pint as well.
Silence
BETH
Suddenly I stood. I walked to the shore and into the water. I didn't swim. I don't swim. I let the water billow me. I rested in the water. The waves were very light, delicate. They touched the back of my neck.
Silence
DUFF
One day when the weather's good you could go out into the garden and sit down. You'd like that. The open air. I'm often out there. The dog liked it.
Pause
I've put in some flowers. You'd find it pleasant. Looking at the flowers. You could cut a few if you liked. Bring them in. No-one would see you. There's no-one there.
Pause
That's where we're lucky, in my opinion. To live in Mr Sykes’ house in peace, no-one to bother us. I've thought of inviting one or two people I know from the village in here for a bit of a drink once or twice but I decided against it. It's not necessary.
You know what you get quite a lot of out in the garden? Butterflies.
BETH
I slipped out of my costume and put on my beachrobe. Underneath I was naked. There wasn't a soul on the beach. Except for an elderly man, far away on a breakwater. I lay down beside him and whispered. Would you like a baby? A child? Of our own? Would be nice.
Pause
DUFF
What did you think of that downfall?
Pause
Of course the youngsters I met under the first tree, during the first shower, they were larking about and laughing. I tried to listen, to find out what they were laughing about, but I couldn't work it out. They were whispering. I tried to listen, to find out what the joke was.
Pause
Anyway I didn't find out.
Pause
I was thinking . . . when you were young . . . you didn't laugh much. You were . . . grave.
Silence
BETH
That's why he'd picked such a desolate place. So that I could draw in peace. I had my sketch book with me. I took it out. I took my drawing pencil out. But there was nothing to draw. Only the beach, the sea.
Pause
Could have drawn him. He didn't want it. He laughed.
Pause
I laughed, with him.
Pause
I waited for him to laugh, then I would smile, turn away, he would touch my back, turn me, to him. My nose . . . creased. I would laugh with him, a little.
Pause
He laughed. I'm sure of it. So I didn't draw him.
Silence
DUFF
You were a first-rate housekeeper when you were young. Weren't you? I was very proud. You never made a fuss, you never got into a state, you went about your work. He could rely on you. He did. He trusted you, to run his house, to keep the house up to the mark, no panic.
Pause
Do you remember when I took him on that trip to the north? That long trip. When we got back he thanked you for looking after the place so well, everything running like clockwork.
Pause
You'd missed me. When I came into this room you stopped still. I had to walk all the way over the floor towards you.
Pause
I touched you.
Pause
But I had something to say to you, didn't I? I waited, I didn't say it then, but I'd made up my mind to say it, I'd decided I would say it, and I did say it, the next morning. Didn't I?
Pause
I told you that I'd let you down. I'd been unfaithful to you.
Pause
You didn't cry. We had a few hours off. We walked up to the pond, with the dog. We stood under the trees for a bit. I didn't know why you'd brought that carrier bag with you. I asked you. I said what's in that bag? It turned out to be bread. You fed the ducks. Then we stood under the trees and looked across the pond.
Pause
When we got back into this room you put your hands on my face and you kissed me.
BETH
But I didn't really want a drink.
Pause
I drew a face in the sand, then a body. The body of a woman. Then the body of a man, close to her, not touching. But they didn't look like anything. They didn't look like human figures. The sand kept on slipping, mixing the contours. I crept close to him and put my head on his arm,
and closed my eyes. All those darting red and black flecks, under my eyelid. I moved my cheek on his skin. And all those darting red and black flecks, moving about under my eyelid. I buried my face in his side and shut the light out.
Silence
DUFF
Mr Sykes took to us from the very first interview, didn't he?
Pause
He said I've got the feeling you'll make a very good team. Do you remember? And that's what we proved to be. No question. I could drive well, I could polish his shoes well, I earned my keep. Turn my hand to anything. He never lacked for anything, in the way of being looked after. Mind you, he was a gloomy bugger.
Pause
I was never sorry for him, at any time, for his lonely life.
Pause
That nice blue dress he chose for you, for the house, that was very nice of him. Of course it was in his own interests for you to look good about the house, for guests.
BETH
He moved in the sand and put his arm around me.
Silence
DUFF
Do you like me to talk to you?
Pause
Do you like me to tell you about all the things I've been doing?
Pause
About all the things I've been thinking?
Pause
Mmmnn?
Pause
I think you do.
BETH
And cuddled me.
Silence
DUFF
Of course it was in his own interests to see that you were attractively dressed about the house, to give a good impression to his guests.
BETH
I caught a bus to the crossroads and then walked down the lane by the old church. It was very quiet, except for birds. There was an old man fiddling about on the cricket pitch, bending. I stood out of the sun, under a tree.
Pause
I heard the car. He saw me and stopped me. I stayed still. Then the car moved again, came towards me slowly. I moved round the front of it, in the dust. I couldn't see him for the sun, but he was watching me. When I got to the door it was locked. I looked through at him. He leaned over and opened the door. I got in and sat beside him. He smiled at me. Then he reversed, all in one movement, very quickly, quite straight, up the lane to the crossroads, and we drove to the sea.
Pause
DUFF
We're the envy of a lot of people, you know, living in this house, having this house all to ourselves. It's too big for two people.
BETH
He said he knew a very desolate beach, that no-one else in the world knew, and that's where we are going.
DUFF
I was very gentle to you. I was kind to you, that day. I knew you'd had a shock, so I was gentle with you. I held your arm on the way back from the pond. You put your hands on my face and kissed me.
BETH
All the food I had in my bag I had cooked myself, or prepared myself. I had baked the bread myself.
DUFF
The girl herself I considered unimportant. I didn't think it necessary to go into details. I decided against it.
BETH
The windows were open but we kept the hood up.
Pause
DUFF
Mr Sykes gave a little dinner party that Friday. He complimented you on your cooking and the service.
Pause
Two women. That was all. Never seen them before. Probably his mother and sister.
Pause
They wanted coffee late. I was in bed. I fell asleep. I would have come down to the kitchen to give you a hand but I was too tired.
Pause
But I woke up when you got into bed. You were out on your feet. You were asleep as soon as you hit the pillow. Your body . . . just fell back.
BETH
He was right. It was desolate. There wasn't a soul on the beach.
Silence
DUFF
I had a look over the house the other day. I meant to tell you. The dust is bad. We'll have to polish it up.
Pause
We could go up to the drawing room, open the windows. I could wash the old decanters. We could have a drink up there one evening, if it's a pleasant evening.
Pause
I think there's moths. I moved the curtain and they flew out.
Pause
BETH
Of course when I'm older I won't be the same as I am, I won't be what I am, my skirts, my long legs, I'll be older, I won't be the same.
DUFF
At least now . . . at least now, I can walk down to the pub in peace and up to the pond in peace, with no-one to nag the shit out of me.
Silence
BETH
All it is, you see . . . I said . . . is the lightness of your touch, the lightness of your look, my neck, your eyes, the silence, that is my meaning, the loveliness of my flowers, my hands touching my flowers, that is my meaning.
Pause
I've watched other people. I've seen them.
Pause
All the cars zooming by. Men with girls at their sides. Bouncing up and down. They're dolls. They squeak.
Pause
All the people were squeaking in the hotel bar. The girls had long hair. They were smiling.
DUFF
That's what matters, anyway. We're together. That's what matters.
Silence
BETH
But I was up early. There was still plenty to be done and cleared up. I had put the plates in the sink to soak. They had soaked overnight. They were easy to wash. The dog was up. He followed me. Misty morning. Comes from the river.
DUFF
This fellow knew bugger all about beer. He didn't know I'd been trained as a cellarman. That's why I could speak with authority.
BETH
I opened the door and went out. There was no-one about. The sun was shining. Wet, I mean wetness, all over the ground.
DUFF
A cellarman is the man responsible. He's the earliest up in the morning. Give the drayman a hand with the barrels. Down the slide through the cellarflaps. Lower them by rope to the racks. Rock them on the belly, put a rim up them, use balance and leverage, hike them up onto the racks.
BETH
Still misty, but thinner, thinning.
DUFF
The bung is on the vertical, in the bunghole. Spile the bung. Hammer the spile through the centre of the bung. That lets the air through the bung, down the bunghole, lets the beer breathe.
BETH
Wetness all over the air. Sunny. Trees like feathers.
DUFF
Then you hammer the tap in.
BETH
I wore my blue dress.
DUFF
Let it stand for three days. Keep wet sacks over the barrels. Hose the cellar floor daily. Hose the barrels daily.
BETH
It was a beautiful autumn morning.
DUFF
Run water through the pipes to the bar pumps daily.
BETH
I stood in the mist.
DUFF
Pull off. Pull off. Stop pulling just before you get to the dregs. The dregs'll give you the shits. You've got an ullage barrel. Feed the slops back to the ullage barrel, send them back to the brewery.
BETH
In the sun.
DUFF
Dip the barrels daily with a brass rod. Know your gallonage. Chalk it up. Then you're tidy. Then you never get caught short.
BETH
Then I went back to the kitchen and sat down.
Pause
DUFF
This chap in the pub said he was surprised to hear it. He said he was surprised to hear about hosing the cellar floor. He said he thought most cellars had a thermostatically controlled cooling system. He said he thought keg beer was fed with oxygen through a cylinder. I said I wasn't talking about keg beer, I was talking about normal draught beer. He said he thought they piped the beer from a tanker into metal containers. I said they may do, but he wasn't talking about
the quality of beer I was. He accepted that point.
Pause
BETH
The dog sat down by me. I stroked him. Through the window I could see down into the valley. I saw children in the valley. They were running through the grass. They ran up the hill.
Long silence
DUFF
I never saw your face. You were standing by the windows. One of those black nights. A downfall. All I could hear was the rain on the glass, smacking on the glass. You knew I'd come in but you didn't move. I stood close to you. What were you looking at? It was black outside. I could just see your shape in the window, your reflection. There must have been some kind of light somewhere. Perhaps just your face reflected, lighter than all the rest. I stood close to you. Perhaps you were just thinking, in a dream. Without touching you, I could feel your bottom.
Silence
BETH
I remembered always, in drawing, the basic principles of shadow and light. Objects intercepting the light cast shadows. Shadow is deprivation of light. The shape of the shadow is determined by that of the object. But not always. Not always directly. Sometimes it is only indirectly affected by it. Sometimes the cause of the shadow cannot be found.
Pause
But I always bore in mind the basic principles of drawing.
Pause
So that I never lost track. Or heart.
Pause
DUFF
You used to wear a chain round your waist. On the chain you carried your keys, your thimble, your notebook, your pencil, your scissors.
Pause
You stood in the hall and banged the gong.
Pause
What the bloody hell are you doing banging that bloody gong?
Pause
It's bullshit. Standing in an empty hall banging a bloody gong. There's no-one to listen. No-one'll hear. There's not a soul in the house. Except me. There's nothing for lunch. There's nothing cooked. No stew. No pie. No greens. No joint. Fuck all.