Wouldn’t it be great if just one of these times at Daytona or Indianapolis, because of accidents and various mechanical failures, there were simply no cars at all left to finish the race? What color flag would they wave then?
Suggested bumper sticker We Are the Proud Parents of a Child Whose Self-Esteem Is Sufficient that He Doesn’t Need Us Advertising His Minor Scholastic Achievements on the Bumper of Our Car.
When did they pass a law that says the people who make my sandwich have to be wearing gloves? I’m not comfortable with this; I don’t want glove residue all over my food. It’s not sanitary. Who knows where these gloves have been? Let’s get back to human hands making sandwiches for human beings.
As you swim the river of life, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.
YOU PICK IT, I’LL LICK IT.
Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket? You can’t do it. People keep bringing it back: “Here, Howie, I found your wastebasket in the garbage.” Apparently, you have to completely destroy a wastebasket in order to convince people you really don’t want it anymore.
In Los Angeles, there’s a hotline for people in denial. So far no one has called.
Just once I’d like to see a high-speed funeral procession. A hearse, some flower cars, and a bunch of limousines tearin’ ass through town at 70 miles an hour, on their way to the cemetery. May be someday a race-car driver will put that in his will.
You know a business that doesn’t lend itself too easily to the Internet? Pay toilets.
Here’s something I consider a crime against society: women with hyphenated names. Hey, lady, pick a fuckin’ name, will you?
“Hi. I’m Emily Jarrikov-Fortescu.”
“Hi. I’m George Jerkmeoff-Fuckyoutoo!”
Attention women: You don’t attain self-esteem or personal dignity by adding a name to your name. Modern feminists apparently think hyphenation is a radical act. It’s not. Castrating a man in a parking lot with a Coke bottle is a radical act. Hyphenating your name is pretentious, middle-class bullshit.
No one ever knows what’s next, but they always do it.
You know what they don’t have? A really good French football player. You never hear about some guy named Pierre La Doux smashing through the line of scrimmage and picking up a first down. Why is that?
The only hip thing left to do in America is to blow up a building. Believe me.
Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition. Then ask them if they have any ski masks.
I have a very inexpensive security system. If someone breaks into my house, I run next door and throw a brick through my neighbor’s window. That sets off his alarm and when the police arrive I direct them to my house.
As Asian immigrants become more completely assimilated into American society over the next few generations, their standards of hard work and academic excellence will drop, and they will feel more at home here.
Some teenage girls delay getting abortions because they’re afraid to comply with the parental notification laws. Especially if one of the parents also happens to be the father of the child.
Here’s a plastic surgery option: have one nostril sewn shut. I feel like I might be ready for that.
Regarding the Pledge of Allegiance and other patriotic nonsense: what does placing your hand over your heart have to do with anything? Or removing your hat when the flag is passing by? Am I missing something?
True Stuff: There is actually a Tow-Truck Hall of Fame.
I just realized I haven’t been scared in a really long time.
Didn’t the first guy who wore a sombrero realize it was completely impractical when eating pussy?
I don’t understand motivation books. What happened here? Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated? It’s a fairly simple thing: either you want to do something or you don’t; there’s no mystery. Besides, if you’re motivated enough to go to the store to buy a motivation book, aren’t you motivated enough to do that? So, you don’t need the book. Put it back. Tell the clerk, “Fuck you, I’m goin’ home. I’m already motivated.”
Safety Tip: Always wear a leather glove when giving a porcupine a hand job.
You know a word you don’t hear enough anymore? Hosiery.
SPORTS SHOULD BE FIXED: SECOND HALF
Basketball: No Harm, No Fun
Continuing my attempt to improve professional sports with basketball, once again I propose to make the game more exciting by changing the rules. But in this case I concentrate less on violence and injuries and a bit more on spicing up the game.
To begin with, basketball would be faster and a whole lot more ex-citing if they had a three-second shot clock. Never mind that passing shit; as soon as the ball is in play, get that son of a bitch up in the air. I didn’t pay to watch a game of catch, I’m lookin’ for a 700-point ball game.
Here’s another good suggestion: all free throws should be taken as jump shots. Players should have to drive from half-court, pull up at the foul line, and shoot the jumper. Much more exciting. And speaking of foul shots, I would retain the six-foul limit, but I would increase it to six fouls per quarter per man. This way you avoid that stupid foul-trouble shit and keep the stars on the court.
Next, I think before anyone touches a rebound, it should be al-lowed to bounce one time and then let the players flight over it. And if a rebound goes into the stands, the spectator who catches the ball should be allowed to shoot two free throws for his team. Get the fans involved.
And here’s something interesting no one else has thought of: when one of those hyperactive players dives into the crowd trying to keep a ball from going out-of-bounds, he should have to stay and sit in the stands for three minutes. Like the penalty box in hockey. And by the way, when is one of those diving, Charlie Hustle guys gonna break his fuckin’ neck on a chair? You just don’t see enough of that sort of thing.
Here’s another good idea: fifty points for any shot made from beyond the half-court line. It would be great for those lopsided games in the fourth quarter. And I’ll guarantee you some guys would practice that shot and get good at it. Then they could just hang around half-court the whole game, and when the teams switch baskets at halftime, all they’d have to do is turn around and face the other way.
Something else I’ll bet has never come up at a meeting of the rules committee: bonus points for any shot that goes in the basket after bouncing off another guy’s head. Fifty points if it’s a teammate, 100 if it’s an opponent. Believe me, you’d see a lot of good fights. And, actually, the brain injuries alone would make this one well worth trying.
Two more suggestions. If a team falls behind by more than 15 points, they have to let their girlfriends come in and help them on defense. It’s just the kind of motivation these macho duds need to keep the games close.
And last—and, honestly, I do not think this is excessive—during overtime periods I would allow the players to use small personal weapons, excluding firearms. I think knives and blackjacks, employed sparingly, would contribute to some rousing finishes in these evenly matched games.
DON’T BLAME THE LEADERS
You, the People
In the midst of all my bitching, you might’ve noticed that I never complain about politicians. I leave that to others. And there’s no short-age of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Everyone says they suck.
But where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky; they don’t pass through a membrane from a separate reality. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they’re elected by American voters. This is what our system produces, folks. This is the best we can do. Let’s face it, we have very little to work with. Garbage in, garbage out.
Ignorant citizens elect ignorant leaders, it’s as simple as that. And term limits don’t help. All you do is get a brand new bunch of ignorant leaders.
So maybe it’s not
the politicians who suck; maybe it’s something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: “The public sucks. Elect me.” Put the blame where it belongs: on the people.
Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don’t have people like that. Everyone’s at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians.
Vote? No!
For myself, I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way. On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn’t mean a thing.
Second, I don’t vote, because I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. I know some people like to twist that around and say, “If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain.”
But where’s the logic in that? Think it through: if you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they screw things up, then you’re responsible for what they’ve done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain.
I, on the other hand, who did not vote—who, in fact, did not even leave the house on Election Day—am in no way responsible for what these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created. Which I had nothing to do with. Why can’t people see that?
Now, I realize last year you folks had another one of those really swell presidential elections you treasure so much. That was nice. I’m sure you had a good time, and I’m sure that everyone’s life has now improved. But I’m happy to tell you that on Election Day I stayed home. And I did essentially what you did. The only difference is when I got finished masturbating I had something to show for it.
The 20th Century World-Hostility Scoreboard
The following is a list of hostilities that took place in the 20th Century among the civilized peoples of the world. The uncivilized were unable to provide reliable statistics.
2 world wars
250 civil wars
311 holy wars
1 cold war
516 wars of liberation
331 wars of containment
691 wars of honor
296 declared wars
856 undeclared wars
4 brushfire wars
2 vest-pocket wars
413 limited wars
1,987 acts of war
7,756 warlike acts
88 police actions
2 nuclear attacks
6,578 government massacres
4 holocausts
943 jihads
693 pogroms
614 longterm persecutions
12,111 acts of treachery
575 betrayals of the masses
958 grabs for power
400 putsches
50 total enslavements
837 partial enslavements
4 total genocides
461 partial genocides
13,658 cease-fire violations
3,115 boundary disputes
1,432 border clashes
3,047 social conflicts
798 sectarian rivalries
13,678 civil disturbances
946 carpet bombings
4,288 threats to security
286 popular uprisings
1,877 areas of unrest
622 strife-torn regions
165 internal upheavals
745 political repressions
12,194 acts of sabotage
1,633 swift reprisals
818 armed resistances
639 repressive measures
1,126 violent outbursts
9,876 mass detentions
11,904 guerilla operations
3,466 suicide missions
823 slaughters
1,200 bloodbaths
43,096 atrocities
161 reigns of terror
715 rebellions
28 revolutions
21 counterrevolutions
746 coups
745 countercoups
457 insurgencies
458 counterinsurgencies
3,422 direct interventions
617 enemy incursions
13 measured responses
295 commando strikes
694 retaliatory raids
844 surprise attacks
236 protective reactions
2,155 frontal assaults
213 responses in kind
17,867 hostile incidents
4,756 belligerent moves
938 naked aggressions
849 foreign adventures
601 overseas entanglements
307 arms races
98 international powder kegs
515 regional tinderboxes
818 military flashpoints
2,415 heated exchanges
911 shows of force
668 heightenings of tension
735 deliberate provocations
921 military confrontations
639 dangerous escalations
3,721 terrorist bombings
438 preemptive strikes
630 outside aggressions
8,571 violent disturbances
646 surgical strikes
4,392 diplomatic deadlocks
82,879 ultimatums
788,969,747 heated arguments
823,285,571 shoving matches
917,704,296 fistfights
942,759,050 snotty phone calls
That’s how we did, folks. Not a bad record, although we could have done better, considering the number of fools in our ranks.