CLAUDIA
Reese, please. We do NOT “gang up” on you.
REESE
Then how come we ALWAYS have to go out for sushi instead of pizza?
CLAUDIA
You just get outvoted. Mom and Dad and I happen to like sushi better than pizza. Plus, it’s healthier.
REESE
SEE??? THIS WHOLE FAMILY’S AGAINST ME!!! Ed. Note: srsly NOT TRUE (except when picking restaurant on Friday nights)
CHAPTER 15
MY TOTALLY CUTE PHOTO OP
CLAUDIA
My campaign did not hold any public events on Saturday. But behind the scenes, I was very busy staging a photo op to prove I wasn’t a soccer hater.
This was tough for a few reasons. For one thing, the whole idea was ridiculous.
And when I asked Dad if I could tag along to Reese’s soccer practice at Asphalt Green Saturday morning, my brother shut me down.
REESE
I didn’t know why Claudia wanted to come, but I figured it was something sneaky. So I told Dad not to let her. And when he texted Mom at her yoga class, she agreed with me.
DAD AND MOM (text messages)
(DAD) C wants to come to R’s soccer practice. Do I let her?
(MOM) No way. She is up to something
But what? Can’t figure out angle
Probably revenge
Maybe I’ll take her, but only if she agrees to get some exercise while we’re there?
good luck with that
Exercise offer did not work. Guess she didn’t want to go THAT badly Ed. Note: Dad thinks I don’t exercise enough (b/c I don’t play sports) (but I walk around a lot) (which should count)
CLAUDIA
This was true. I did not actually want a photo op badly enough to exercise for it.
But Jens is on Reese’s soccer team, so I thought I might be able to tag along with him instead. That didn’t work out, either.
CLAUDIA AND JENS (Text messages copied from Claudia’s phone)
Hi! Do u mind if I come to your soccer practice today?
But you hate soccer
I DON’T HATE IT! I think if I watched practice I would like it more
Practice is boring. Only drills. But Ajax plays Groningen tonight - u want come over and watch?
on satelite TV from Netherlands
I can explain you all the clubs
Also rules
Also difference of Champions League vs Eredivisie
g2g
CLAUDIA
Since I couldn’t take a selfie at the practice, I had to come up with a whole other photo op. Carmen had a great idea, so I went over to her place, and we used her little brother’s soccer ball to take what I thought was a very cute pic.
CLICKCHAT POSTS ON “CLAUDAROO” (AKA CLAUDIA TAPPER) WALL
23 likes
claudaroo I LOVE SOCCER!
claudaroo And #IDontHaveAnEvilPlan!
claudaroo #VoteClaudia
claudaroo #VoteCarmen
c_2_the_g #VoteClaudia #VoteCarmen #StopGlobalWarming
Parvanana CUTEST PIC EVA!
KaliHendo Ed. Note: Kalisha Seems a little desperate
c_2_the_g Cut it out, Kalisha
CLAUDIA
Like I said, I thought it was cute. But Akash was not happy.
AKASH AND CLAUDIA (Text messages copied from Claudia’s phone)
WORST PHOTO OP EVER
It’s cute!
CUTE DOESN’T WIN ELECTIONS (Call me. I have polling data)
Akash had spent half his weekend polling the whole sixth grade. And he had some VERY good news.
AKASH
First of all, I have to say Kalisha really did her homework. Everybody I talked to was like, “Kalisha already asked me about this. Twice!”
KALISHA
OF COURSE I did a lot of polling. Running a political campaign without taking polls is like trying to drive a car blindfolded.
AKASH
You must’ve really gone deep. A couple of kids were like, “Why are you only asking me two questions? Kalisha asked me twenty!”
KALISHA
You can’t just ask kids who they’re voting for. You’ve also got to measure intensity. And persuadability. And issue salience. And if you want to do any predictive modeling, you need TONS of demographic data.
Does that make sense? Ed. Note: ???? (I read this four times and still HAVE NO IDEA what she’s talking about)
AKASH
SO much sense. Hats off to you. I mean, seriously. That is boss.
My name’s Akash, by the way.
KALISHA
I’m Kalisha.
AKASH
How come we’ve never hung out before?
KALISHA
I don’t know. ’Cause you’re an eighth grader?
AKASH
After this interview, do you want to—
CLAUDIA
AKASH!
AKASH
What?
CLAUDIA
Can we get back to the interview? Please?
AKASH
Right! Sorry. Where were we? Ed. Note: (had to stop interviewing Kalisha and Akash together after this b/c Akash kept getting distracted)
CLAUDIA
The polling? For my campaign? Which you were supposedly running?
AKASH
Oh, yeah. So I polled the whole sixth grade. AND YOU WERE WINNING! You had a small but solid lead among likely voters. Ed. Note: “likely voters” = everybody but Fembots (b/c they don’t vote)
Mostly because you got a surprisingly large share of the Nerdy Boy vote. Which was weird. Because in sixth grade, boys usually vote for boys.
So the Nerdy Boys SHOULD have been Reese voters. But in this case, there was one major thing driving them into your camp.
CLAUDIA
The fact that I’d done a great job as president?
AKASH
No. It was that Xander kid. He was your brother’s running mate, and he’s a total punk. So the Nerdy Boys were like, “NO WAY am I voting for a ticket with HIM on it.”
MAX ESPER, treasurer/Nerdy Boy
I don’t have a problem with Reese. It’s not like we hang out. But he’s cool.
Xander Billington, though? LITERALLY the worst person on earth.
MICHAEL KO, Nerdy Boy/likely Claudia voter
I’ve personally hated Xander ever since first grade, when he stole my inhaler and put it someplace you’re NOT supposed to EVER put ANYTHING. Not even your finger. Ed. Note: eeeeeeeew
DYLAN O’LEARY, Nerdy Boy/likely Claudia voter
Xander’s SUCH a jerk. Whenever he sees me in the boys’ bathroom, he says he’s going to give me a swirly.
I wish he would, because then I could sue him for a million dollars. I’d totally win.
CLAUDIA
When Akash showed me the polling numbers, he was VERY confident. I believe his exact words were, “You are OWNING this election.”
AKASH
The numbers didn’t lie. As long as Xander was driving all the Nerdy Boys away from Reese, there was no way he could win.
KALISHA
Akash was absolutely right. With Xander as his running mate, your brother was doomed.
BUT… if Xander WASN’T his running mate? And I could find a way to get the Nerdy Boys to switch their votes to Reese?
CHAPTER 16
THE SECRET REESE-NERD ALLIANCE
CLAUDIA
After Akash told me the polling numbers, I felt very good about my chances.
This is because I had no idea Kalisha was hatching a secret plan to steal all the Nerdy Boy voters from me.
There are about ten of them in the sixth grade. I’m personally a little uncomfortable with calling them “nerdy,” but they seem fine with it. Ed. Note: Nerdy Boys = -smart
Ed. Note: -read a lot
Ed. Note: -know stuff
Ed. Note: about computers
Ed. Note: -don’t play sports
TOBY, Nerdy Boy/undecided voter
Are you kidding? Every 25-year-old billionaire on earth is a big honking nerd. That’s why they’re billionaires!
So it’s pretty much the coolest thing you can be.
CLAUDIA
The Nerdy Boys don’t really have a leader. But if they did, it’d be Max Esper.
MAX
I don’t want to brag or anything. But I’ve been coding since I was eight. So, yeah. I’m pretty much the alpha nerd.
AKASH
Oh, please, Max! Call me when you learn how to run Linux. Ed. Note: no idea what this means, but Akash begged me to put it in book (Akash = v. competitive about computer skills)
CLAUDIA
So Max is VERY influential with the Nerdy Boys. And if he got behind Reese’s candidacy, it could swing a lot of Nerdy Boy votes Reese’s way.
But Max and my brother are about as different as two 12-year-old boys can be. So the one thing I ABSOLUTELY NEVER EXPECTED IN A MILLION YEARS was for Max to become Reese’s running mate.
That’s why the text I got from Sophie on Sunday afternoon was such a shock.
SOPHIE AND CLAUDIA (text messages)
U around? Need quote for new article
About what?
Yr reaction to news that Max is Reese’s new running mate
CLAUDIA
I was eating a bagel at the Zabar’s lunch counter when I read that. And I was so shocked, I yelped.
And the yelp was so loud that it made the guy sitting next to me spill his soup.
I apologized to the guy. Then I ran outside to call Sophie. But we’d barely started talking when my phone ran out of minutes for the month.
Fortunately, I have unlimited texting.
SOPHIE AND CLAUDIA (text messages)
Why did u hang up?
Ran out of minutes
Please please please don’t write this article
I HAVE to it’s huge news!
Will use ANY quote u give me. Think of a good one!
No comment
AGAIN? SRSLY?
CLAUDIA
This time, I wasn’t saying “no comment” because Akash told me not to talk to the media. I was saying it because the only comment I could think of was, “THIS IS A MAJOR DISASTER AND MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED.”
And when you’re running for president, it’s very important to act like you’re confident and in charge. Even when your head is exploding.
Five minutes later, Sophie posted her article.
SIXTH GRADE ELECTION SHOCKER! Longtime Treasurer Max Esper Joins Reese Tapper Ticket
by Sophie Koh, special correspondent
In a major development guaranteed to rock the sixth grade political world, two-term treasurer Max Esper will stand for re-election as the running mate of presidential candidate Reese Tapper.
Mr. Esper is a longtime political insider who has held the treasurer’s job since losing his first presidential campaign to Claudia Tapper in early fifth grade.
A political newcomer, Mr. Tapper’s presidential bid was considered a long shot until his opening campaign speech, when he played a recording of current president Claudia Tapper insulting soccer players and vowing to ban the sport if she is re-elected.
Despite several requests for an interview, President Tapper has not commented publicly on the recording. Ed. Note: CHEAP SHOT
The new Tapper-Esper alliance appeared to come as a surprise to Xander Billington, a soccer player who had previously been Mr. Tapper’s running mate.
“Awwwww **** no!” Mr. Billington told a reporter, using a word that is not printable in a school newspaper.
CLAUDIA
The thing I REALLY didn’t understand was why Max had agreed to be Reese’s running mate.
MAX
It was all part of my plan.
CLAUDIA
What plan?
MAX
My plan to become president.
CLAUDIA
Max, that makes no sense at all! You were running for TREASURER.
MAX
Sure, in THIS election. But I was playing a long game.
I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be president. But after I ran against you in fifth grade and lost, I figured I could never beat you head-to-head. UNLESS you suffered some humongous defeat that killed your whole career.
And I figured Reese could make that happen. If he beat you, it’d be devastating! You’d be so humiliated, you’d quit SG and, like, join the math club or something. And even if you DID run again, nobody’d take you seriously.
Plus, I figured Reese would be a total disaster as president. So if he ran for re-election, I’d crush him.
Which meant that by running with Reese in SIXTH grade, what I was really doing was setting myself up to be president in SEVENTH grade.
CLAUDIA
So you were willing to elect someone who’d be a complete disaster—just to help your own career?
MAX
Exactly.
CLAUDIA
Wow, Max. That is just really, really cynical and wrong.
MAX
Oh, get over yourself, Claudia. Sometimes politics isn’t pretty.
CLAUDIA
The only person who was more shocked than me when he heard the Max news… was Reese. Because it turned out Kalisha hadn’t even told him it was happening.
REESE
She sort of did. After Mom made her take down the “Reese for President” page, I called Kalisha and was like, “I’m SO SORRY I messed up again! What can I do to fix it? Do you want another guiltshake?”
KALISHA
I said, “There’s this one thing I need you to do.… But if I tell you what it is, you might mess it up. So just tell me it’s okay for me to do it myself. And after it’s over, I’ll tell you what it was.”
REESE
I was like, “Deal.” Because Kalisha’s super-smart. So I trusted her.
But when she called on Sunday afternoon and was like, “Great news! We dumped Xander for Max!” I was SERIOUSLY spun out.
Xander’s my bud! We’ve been friends since pre-K! So I told Kalisha there was no way I could do it.
KALISHA
I said, “It’s too late. You already did it. The article’s coming out in five minutes.”
REESE
I was like, “Oh, this is skronking BAAAAD. How am I going to tell Xander?”
KALISHA
I said, “Don’t worry. Sophie was about to call him for a comment. So I think he already knows.”
REESE
Then I looked back at the computer screen, and Xander was chopping me into little pieces on MetaWorld.
Which was NOT cool. Because it was a team deathmatch—and we were on the same team! But I guess if I was Xander, I would’ve been pretty mad, too.
METAWORLD CHAT LOG
XIzKillinIt Ed. Note: Xander killed. Skronkmonster Ed. Note: Reese
<<XIzKillinIt: DIE DIE DIE!!!!>>
<<Skronkmonster: dude im so sorry!!!!!>>
<<Skronkmonster: it was kelisha!!>>
<<Skronkmonster: I didnt even no abt it>>
<<Skronkmonster: just found out 2 min ago>>
<<XIzKillinIt: TELL HER NO!!!!>>
<<Skronkmonster: I cant shes my coach>>
<<KillrKickr: Ed. Note: Wyatt X y did u cut Reese in pieces? u made us lose dethmatch>>
<<XIzKillinIt: HEZZZ A SKEEEZY JUDAS>>
<<Skronkmonster: kelisha replacd X w Max as my running mate>>
<<KillrKickr: omg!>