All Cats Are Introverts
copyright © 2019 by Francesco Marciuliano. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.
Andrews McMeel Publishing
a division of Andrews McMeel Universal
1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106
www.andrewsmcmeel.com
ISBN: 978-1-5248-5845-2
Library of Congress Control Number: 2019933365
Editor: Patty Rice
Art Director: Diane Marsh
Production Editor: Elizabeth A. Garcia
Production Manager: Tamara Haus
Digital Production: Kristen Minter
Dedication photo by Stacey Bell
Images © Getty Images
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contents
introduction
chapter one: on one's own
chapter two: one-on-one
chapter three: one too many
acknowledgments
INTRODUCTION
Do you so enjoy having the house to yourself that when your roommate returns you don’t greet them at the door but rather claim the couch while sitting on all three remotes?
Do you get so wrapped up in your own head that it can be hours before you realize someone has been repeatedly calling your name, followed by the words “Stop eating the plants!”
Do you so look for any excuse not to hang out at a party that you’ll run up and down the hallway nonstop with your head in a shopping bag and your ass covered with what visitors can only surmise was the cheese dip?
The cats understand.
You see, for years cats have been labeled “antisocial,” “judgmental,” or “clearly hiding in the pillowcase” simply because they don’t like large groups and need their own space. They’ve been called “unfriendly” because they won’t let everybody pet them, “uncooperative” because they work
better on their own, and “uncommunicative” because they never share any juicy gossip.
But the truth is cats are none of those things. They’re introverts, just like millions of warm, thoughtful, and surprisingly engaging people who will do anything to avoid small talk, even if it means wedging themselves behind a fridge or knocking over four lamps and a vase to divert attention.
If you’re an introvert, then you’ll see yourself in these cats’ poems. If you’re an extrovert, then you’ll see that you and the cats can both wander around the house without pants. Either way, the cats have already walked off to recharge their energy, gather their thoughts, and wait to reappear when food arrives.
chapter one
on one’s own
My time
My time alone
My time alone with thoughts
Of my ass
On your remote
As you barge into room after room
Screaming, “Where the @#$% is it?!”
As I sit on what is now my couch
Learning to value myself
I think my left cheek just changed the channel
lose myself
When I lose myself in my work
I forget myself for a while
I stop overanalyzing my actions
I stop undermining my skills
I am present in the now
I am eating someone’s birthday cake
I am six hours early for the birthday party
And sure, people will have their opinions
And yes, people will pull me away by my hind legs
My teeth and claws scraping across the frosting
But I am finishing this birthday cake
I may even eat the mini hot dogs next
Because I am engaged in my work
And so in this moment I am free
lonely vs. alone
The dog stares longingly
At the front door
The dog gazes hungrily
For any sign of your return
The dog thinks repeatedly
“They’ve been gone three hours!”
“Or 12 seconds!”
“Or 16 days!”
“Please hurry home soon!”
As I stare intensely
At the front door
As I gaze thoughtfully
At the entranceway
As I think repeatedly
“Wow, I could really do wonders with this foyer.”
house all to myself!
The house!
The house!
The house all to myself!
For there is nothing so glorious
There is nothing so grand
Than that moment you discover
You have the house all to yourself
Yes
It’s the abandoned house a block down from where I live
Yes
My person is bound to find me
Yes
I think that shadow’s crawling straight for me
But yes
Right now THIS is where my heart and soul reside
Pack Mentality
I don’t need an alpha
To tell me which way to go
I don’t need a pack
To convince me my path is true
I just need me, myself alone
To encourage me to be on my way
Across a balcony railing
As you scramble for your apartment keys
While screaming like a lunatic
From eight stories below
Bad at Keeping in Touch
I’ve been away too much
I’ve been in my head too deep
I’ve been out of reach too long
Hiding behind the fridge
And so
Some say I’m distant
Some suspect I’m distracted
Some believe I’m self-centered
Thinking only of how
I wedged myself behind the fridge
But yet
You are always on my mind
You are forever in my heart
You are sometimes in my field of vision
Peering as I do
Helplessly from behind the damn fridge
However
I know I need to make more of an effort
I understand I need to keep in touch
I realize I need to return your calls
By screaming, “For the thousandth time,
I’m stuck behind the @#$%ing fridge!”
the rain
Gray skies
Ash clouds
Silver lining
As rain falls
Excusing all
Who wish to stay put
Embracing all
Who long to get close
Enveloping all
Who seek to get lost
In reverie
In dreams
In the thought
Of the dog losing his goddamn mind
Every time it thunders
With rain such contempla
tions grow
Books
I can lose myself
In a novel
I can be absorbed
In a short story
I can be immersed whole
In adventure
In history
In romance
And mystery
I can see now
That I’m stuck behind your bookcase
time to think
Wait
Wait
Wait
Don’t push me to make a decision
Don’t rush me to draw a conclusion
Don’t expect me to blurt out
The first thing that comes to mind
Before I speak, I pause
Before I move, I ponder
Before I choose, I realize
That making you keep the door wide open
That whole time I thought “in or out?”
Is why a raccoon just gave birth in your foyer
Perfection
I can wiggle my butt
And never take my leap
I can stare straight ahead
And never make my approach
I can wait for the ideal moment
I can hope for the perfect chance
I can HUCKA HUCKA
HUCKA HUCKA HUCKA
GAK!
Or I can look right down
At this big, messy hairball
That took me five minutes to cough up
And two minutes to soak through your mattress
And realize accomplishment
Is not the same as perfection
As I breathe and gag easy once more
my process
From behind the sofa
As you watch TV
From behind the headboard
As you sleep
From behind your very back
As you eat
WHAP WHAP WHAP
WHAP WHAP WHAP
WHAP WHAP WHAP
I slap my paw against your head
Because I work best behind the scenes
the little details
The score on wood
The flaw on paint
On the wall from some budding artist
The hint of wire
On the ceiling from a whole fan brought down
Since I avoid the rush and racket
That come from people all round
I can notice the little details
That make up the big picture
That reveal the whole truth
That you are raising a couple of hellions
Who are out to destroy your world
Missed Days
Will I miss the days
Not spent outside?
Not spent with others?
Not spent with you?
Will I see such days
As missed opportunities?
As vanished chances?
As lost time?
Sometimes
Another time
Not this time
For today I discovered
I can stand on your flat-screen
At least for three minutes before the wall mount gives way
inner voice
If I look distant
If I look far away
It’s because I have an inner voice
That is always running
That is always racing
That can’t stop leaping
From thought to memory to recalled slight
And I am chasing it down
Every half-forgotten hallway
Carefully walking in the slim, high ledge
Between what I said
And what I wish I said instead
Only to fall
Fall
Fall
Into past regrets
Into recent recriminations
Into darkness
Before I land on my four feet
Before the sound of life snaps me back
To find the beam of sun
Has left my warm spot
To see that company
Has left for the day
To see a small mouse
Held by its tail in my paw
Didn’t I catch you yesterday?
It’s time to let some things go
To Writing
Silence
Silence
Silence
For when it comes
To speaking my mind
I can’t offer anything but silence
But then I’m at your laptop
And then it’s
ahdetcwdklc vov
smdketff futfieyfnx
ncuatskswyrss2jsl’
xbyqtsw ddfeyfq
cbyeth
For when it comes
To writing
I can’t share my thoughts fast enough
cbqetfwegyu
that sound
A sound
Some sound
What is sound?
As a question
Begets a thought
Begets a fellow thought
Begets a side thought
Begets a contrary thought
Begets an unrelated thought
Begets an entire conversation
As my head fills with wonder
As my eyes stare at nothing
Minute after minute after minute after—
Until
That sound
I find is your sound
Yelling something about how only pots should hang from there
But my mind is too alive to hear
elsewhere
Soaring through the heavens
Like a raptor on a thermal
Running through the grasslands
Like a leopard on its prey
Leaping through the forests
Like a capuchin on a tree
From daydream to daydream
Never stopping to hear
What you just named me
Or who you said you were again
All I Need
A book
A snack
A remote
Some tea
Are all on the floor
Now that I sprawled out on the coffee table
Since all I need is me
Stress
This too shall pass
This too shall pass
I must keep telling myself
This too shall pass
Don’t make it
Bigger than it is
Don’t think it
As all that there is
Don’t take it
For a personal fault
It is only now
It is only this moment
And moments are not eternity
So I hear myself repeating
This too shall pass
Of course
That may just be the echo
Of getting my head stuck inside this jar
But this will truly pass
Sometimes the Quiet
Sometimes
The quiet can make an unpleasant sound
Sometimes
The solitude can make a space feel too large
Sometimes
I need a companion
I crave a connection
I jump on your lap
But sometimes
Y
ou eat breakfast half-naked
Who eats breakfast without any pants?
And so at some time
You’re going to have to stop running
Screaming and screaming
So I can pull my nails from your nether regions
And we can try this another time instead
taking care of me
I need some “me time”
So now you can walk across your own laptop keyboard
Instead of waiting for me to fix your thesis with “tshc89025bd”
I need some breathe time
So now you can shove your own hand in your merlot
As your date tries to remove your ass off her meal
I need some alone time
So now you can knock your own damn keys under the sofa
Along with your wallet, phone, and EpiPen
I need you to know
I’m not being selfish
I’m just listening to my body
I’m just doing right by my mind
I’m just saying it’s time you learned
To push your own three gallons of homemade pasta sauce on the floor
Like I just showed you
chapter Two
One-on-One
I find my greatest joy
With just you
No unexpected guests
No surprise crowds
No one else
Not even me
Because I also find my greatest joy
With just being alone
So save this lap
For when I return in three weeks
One Great Friend
I don’t need to be
The life of the party
I don’t have to be
The center of it all
I don’t want to be
Sought out by everybody
I just hope to find
That one great friend
Who shares my same passions
That one great friend
Who strives for the same goals
That one great friend
Who enjoys my same interests
That one great friend
Who also really likes
To lick themselves down there
And now I just made it weird