Text copyright © 2014 by Francesco Marciuliano.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.
ISBN: 978-1-4521-3291-4 (hc)
ISBN: 978-1-4521-3711-0 (epub2, mobi)
ISBN: 978-1-4521-3712-4 (epub3)
ISBN: 978-1-4521-3711-7 (mobi fixed-format)
The following photos © copyright Photographer/iStockphoto: luoman, 2 (typewriter); mjp, 6; KariHoglund, 13; annadarzy, 14; Dixi_, 19; annadarzy, 22; jaimaa85, 27; irontrybex, 28 (kitten); herkisis (frames) 28, 40, 45, 76, 82, 98; RealCreation, 31; Talaj, 36; BSANI, 42; michellegibson, 45; JanPietruszka, 46; jclegg, 49; Iriza, 51; alexxx1981, 53; Stuphipps, 56; Vampirica, 61; Dorin_S, 71 (kitten on stairs); ronen, 75; Lynchian, 76; MikeEpstein, 81; Lilun_Li, 82; prejak, 88; tonisalado, 95; AS_Fotos, 98; gitusik, 100; sansara, 105. The following photos © copyright Photographer/Shutterstock: maturos1812, 2 (yarn); Hasloo Group Production Studio, 10-11; schankz, 17; Orhan Cam, 33; Tom Gowanlock, 38-39; Jorge Pereira, 40; trainman32, 63-64; dien, 65; S-F, 66; Abel Tumik, 69; marekuliasz, 71 (stamp); marslander, 72; TuTheLens, 85; Shebeko, 86-87; Mike Flippo, 93; Nixx Photography, 96; John Smith Design, 103; Ostanina Ekaterina, 108; Andrey_Kuzmin, 111. 5 © copyright Francesco Marciuliano. 36 © copyright 123RF/Elena Kovalena.
Designed by Emily Dubin
Chronicle Books LLC
680 Second Street
San Francisco, California 94107
www.chroniclebooks.com
DEDICATED TO
Fluffy and Ginger, two beautiful kittens my parents took in, and to all the stray cats that need a loving home.
CONTENTS
Introduction . . . 8
CHAPTER 1: New World . . . 11
CHAPTER 2: New Family . . . 39
CHAPTER 3: New Adventures . . . 63
CHAPTER 4: Same Old Trouble . . . 87
Acknowledgments . . . 112
INTRODUCTION
Unbelievably adorable. Exceptionably inquisitive. Overwhelmingly energetic. Presently drenched in your sixty-year-old Scotch. Currently sticking its head out of the middle of the birthday cake you made but had yet to serve. At this very moment holding the cord of the ceiling fan, making a wider and wider circumference of shelf-high book/vase/keepsake destruction before letting go and slamming claws-first into your face with the full force of its love as you slowly count to ten before saying, “You . . . are . . . so . . . cute” into its belly.
These are the words people use to describe their kittens. But how do kittens describe their people? Their kitten experience? Their kitten hopes, their kitten concerns, even their kitten selves? Well, thanks to a highly esteemed team of writing instructors who somehow managed to secure an art grant despite submitting a proposal that included the words “kittens,” “laptops,” and “blank verse,” kittens everywhere can now give full expression to their thoughts through the undeniable power of poetry.
From their first toy that was never meant to be their first toy to the lasting pride that comes from going into something that sort of resembles a litter box, from the joy of moving into their forever home to the thrill of forever redecorating that home, these kittens’ poems will show you the world as seen through their eyes, and through their hearts, and as they try to pass through a toilet paper tube only to have their head stick out one side and their butt stick out the other, making them look like a kitty cannoli.
Yes, by reading this very collection of their greatest work, you will finally understand why kittens are so inquisitive, where they get their energy from, and, of course, how much they love you. And so maybe the next time your own kitten cuts a swath of destruction through everything you hold dear (but can no longer actually hold because it’s all now in pieces) you will be able to look at him or her and say, “I see where you’re coming from now. I truly do. I just can’t see anything else because you’re still holding on to my face with all your claws.”
CHAPTER 1
NEW WORLD
When you open your eyes
For the very first time
Try not to look horrified
You might insult a nearby person
KITTEN MAXIM
I Knead My Mommy
“Are you my mommy?” I ask
As I knead the blanket
Only for the family quilt
to lie on the bed
“Are you my mommy?” I ask
As I knead the sweater
Only to find that cashmere
is so easy to shred
“Are you my mommy?” I ask
As I knead the dog
Only to learn that apparently
that is not a teat
“Are you my mommy?” I ask
As I knead the chicken
Only for two cutlets to now be
stuck to my feet
“Are you my mommy?” I ask
As I knead your body
Only to remove clump after clump
of chest hair
“You are my mommy!” I say
As I keep clawing your skin
Until I get bored and just
tear into your chair
My Name Is
My name is “Fuzzles”
My name is “Nutters”
My name is “Fuzzles”
My name is “Nutters”
My name is finally “Fuzzles”
My name is finally “Nutters”
My name is a point of contention
Between two little sisters
Until their father steps in
And in the spirit of compromise
Dooms me forever
To be known as “Fuzznuts”
I’ve Been Watching
Like a human baby
I cry a lot
Like a human baby
I need your help
Like a human baby
I crave your love
Like a human baby
I sometimes wedge myself behind
the fridge
Or run screaming across
the kitchen countertop
Or hide inside pillowcases
Only to claw wildly at your ears
when you rest your head
Like a human baby
I don’t know everything about human babies
Especially since you don’t have one yet
But when you do
You can thank me for how I prepared you
For when your human baby starts gnawing
on exposed wires
Ode to a Lizard I Didn’t Know Is Also a Pet in This House
AUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUGGGGHHHH!!!
I’m sorry!
I didn’t mean to startle you!
I’m sorry!
I didn’t mean to climb the wall!
I’m sorry!
I just had no idea you live here too!
But let’s make amends
And let’s be best friends
And let’s see how much louder
We can make our person scream
By both crawling up his leg at 3 a.m.
My First Toy
My first toy
Has wood for me to claw
My first toy
Has string for me to bite
My first toy
Has a hole for me to hide in
My first toy
Is called “Oh dear God, no! My guitar!”
My first toy
Is the best toy of them all
People Food
If you leave food on the counter
&
nbsp; It’s public domain
If you keep food in a bag
It’s fair use
If you have food on your plate
It’s free license
If you hold food in your hand
It’s nonexclusive
And if you open a box of pizza
It’s open source
Or crowdsourcing
Or whatever you call it
When my butt plops in tomato sauce
And your head drops in your hands
Perspective
From this very top branch
From the very pinnacle of my world
I look upon my dominion
I gaze on all of which I am king
I see your knee
Pass right by at eye level
And once more I am reminded
That this carpet tree and I
Still have a lot of growing up to do
Curious
Intrigued
Inquisitive
Fascinated
Captivated
Spying
Prying
Curious
This is who I am
This is how I live
This is why I’m now covered
In flour, fudge, and Scotch
Big Box
I don’t like this big box, I cry
I don’t like it at all
There’s just too much space
And the sides are way too tall
I don’t like this big box, I whine
It feels more like a trap
I miss the coziness of the box of tissues
Or the sticky one with clear wrap
I don’t like this big box, I plead
I don’t feel quite secure
Anyone can jump in
My ceiling’s an open door
I don’t like this big box, I yell
How I’ll escape I don’t know
Then suddenly you lift me out
And I jump back in because I decide when
and where I go
When I First Open My Eyes
When I first open my eyes
I expect to see marvels
When I first open my eyes
I expect to see splendor
When I first open my eyes
I expect to see
These four other damn fur balls
Who keep pushing me out of the way
To get to mom’s milk
Adopted and out of the picture
Not Prepared
HOLY—!
WHAT THE—!
SON OF A—!
That thing isn’t cute!
That thing isn’t purple!
That thing isn’t fabric!
That thing isn’t at all
Now he’s skittering across the floor
Now I’m scrambling up your legs
Now you might as well have me fixed
Because my manhood is as good as gone
Shy Kitten
And then another friend shows up
And kisses me as I fidget
And then another friend shows up
And pets me in the wrong direction
And then still another friend shows up
And chases me around the house
And then all your friends
Ask to see your new kitty
And then I wish you were a hoarder
Because I’d like to hide behind
137 toasters right now
What Will I Be?
As a little kitten
I ask my older resident cat
“When I grow
What will I be?
Will I be a guard cat?
Will I be a police cat?
Will I be a rescue cat?
Will I be a seeing-eye cat?”
This is what the older resident cat
Said to me
“YAWWWWWWWWWWN”
Then he rolled over and went back to sleep
Apparently our kind
Is not so professionally inclined
Praise
All the praise
All the kisses
All the treats
All the love
You give me
For finally using the litter box
All that makes me look forward to
All the applause and awards
You’ll give me
When I manage to hit
A much smaller target
Another Way
Before I stop squirming
Before I stop screaming
Before I stop trying to remove
Every layer of your skin
Before you
Before the doctor
Before the nurse
All gang up
To hold me down
All I want to say
Is that this is NOT where I saw you
Put the thermometer
When you took your own temperature
Black Kitten
I purr
I nuzzle
I lick
I cuddle
I run
I leap
I play
I sleep
But if you think all that is an evil omen
If you think all that is pure bad luck
Then yes, you will endure great misfortune
Because without me your life will suck
CHAPTER 2
NEW FAMILY
If you ever forget
Your person’s name
It’s either “Chair” or “Sofa”
Depending on their position
KITTEN TRUISM
I Will Save You
MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
DON’T YOU WORRY!
SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH
DON’T YOU FEAR!
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
DON’T YOU THINK
FOR ONE SECOND
THAT I WILL EVER STOP!
THAT I WILL EVER GIVE UP!
THAT I WILL EVER LEAVE YOU BEHIND
THIS LOCKED BEDROOM DOOR!
FOR I WILL SAVE YOU
FROM ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT WITHOUT ME!
Wet
First I get my tongue wet
Then I get my chin wet
Then I get my paw wet
Then I get my head wet
Then I’m soaking wet
Then I’m burning mad
Then I’m wearing it like a turtle shell
Then I’m telling myself that
Next time I’ll read the instruction manual
Before I try to drink milk from a bowl again
There Is an Older Cat
There is an older cat
Who does not want me here
There is an older cat
Who hisses when I approach
There is an older cat
Who eats my food
Who steals my toys
Who pushes me off chairs
Who bats me on the head
Who bites me on the neck
There is an older cat
Who does not know
Just how big my breed gets
But there is an older cat
Who in six months’ time
Is going to learn that 24/7
Hello!
“Hello!”
And you wake up screaming
“Hello!”
And you nick yourself shaving
“Hello!”
And you spill coffee on your groin
“Hello!”
And you fall down six steps of stairs
“Hello!”
And you smash your head on the front door
Every morning when I leap out of nowhere
And meow “Hello!”
You do something so very, very funny
That I’m reminded once more
How lucky I am
To live with someone with such great
co
medic timing
Luxury
These
These
These right here
Are the softest
Are the comfiest
Are the most luxurious
Bed sheets
I’ve ever hacked up on
Thank you again for inviting me into your home
And Then You Said “No”
And then you said, “No!”
And then I looked at you
Waiting for a definition
And then you said, “No!”
Again
As if “No!”
Defined the word “No!”
“No! No! No!”
And then I realized
You must be practicing a musical note
Over and over again
“Nooooooooooooo!”
And then I went back
To shoving my paw in your mayo
My Kitten Brother
My kitten brother
My kitten best friend
My favorite kitten
With whom I’ve shared
Every great kitten adventure
Two great kittens could ever have
Is apparently a schnauzer
But I won’t tell him that
For it would break his kitten heart
Secure Room
I can hear the resident cat
Sniffing
Scratching
Scrambling to reach
Under my closed door
But before he can enter
I have to feel more secure
I have to build up my courage
I have to perfect my “insane eyes”
Because when we first meet
I want the resident cat to think
“Damn, he crazy!”
And just cede the entire couch to me outright
I’m Right Here
Just because I’m a kitten
Just because I don’t say a word
Just because no one else is here
Just because I’m not even looking at you
Doesn’t mean you have just cause
To do whatever you want