a point to stare when I walked through the door.
I Thought Dad’s Rant Was Bad
I mean, he went on and on about
“what boys want” and what should happen
to boys if they manage to get what they want.
(A very ugly—not to mention painful—picture.)
Then he took away my rifle and told me
it would be a warm day in Antarctica
before I left the house again.
But Bishop Crandall, sitting smug
behind his tall teak desk, made me want
to scream. After an hour of his reminding
me of a woman’s role,
I couldn’t stand it anymore.
So I interrupted, “Is it a woman’s role
to keep silent when her husband hits her?”
If I was looking for shock value,
I was looking in the wrong place.
Violence is never right. But a man
has a duty to keep his wife in check.
In check? Like Mom had ever asked
to go anywhere or do anything other
than wait on Dad and us kids?
He nailed me. I hope you’re not
accusing your father of such things.
His tone made me waver. But I
didn’t quite buckle. “What if I am?”
He leveled me. Then I’d call you
a liar, with nothing to gain
and everything to lose.
Censored
I went home,
withdrew
to my room,
sulked
all afternoon,
stressed
over what life
would be like
emptied
of Derek,
drained
of laughter,
strangled
by rules I’d
happily broken.
Depressed,
I put my pillow
over my head
forgetting
tears were
out of bounds
and let
myself cry.
Journal Entry, May 7
Life isn’t fair.
I finally find
someone special
and they want
to take him
away from me.
Mom says I
should have
a boyfriend.
Why does he
have to be
Mormon?
Dad says I
shouldn’t
even think
about boys.
Yeah, right.
What am I,
brain-dead?
Bishop Crandall
says one day
I’ll have to obey
my husband.
No talk of love.
Can “love
and obey”
possibly go
together?
All I know
is, I’m old
enough to
make my own
decisions.
They won’t
take Derek
away from me.
I won’t
let them.
Turned Out
Derek gave me no other choice.
I saw him at school the next day,
smiled and waved him over.
He half-waved back, turned,
and walked off with Justin.
I ran to catch up with them.
“Derek? Can I talk to you?
What’s the matter?”
He spun. The matter is you
and your crazy father.
“I don’t think he acted so crazy.”
Even if he did, what did that
have to do with me?
Give us a minute, okay, Justin?
Derek led me to a deserted corner.
I’d never had a boyfriend before,
so I’d never been dumped before.
But I knew where this was headed.
Patty, you know I care about you.
that I’d better leave you alone.
I shook my head. “I never
heard anything like that, Derek.”
Tears dammed up behind my lashes.
He came over to my house, Patty.
He said if I ever “bother” you again,
he’ll kill me. And I believe him.
The tears leaked out. Derek
tried to hug me, but I pushed him
away. “So that’s it? Just good-bye?”
Has to be. Anyway, it was bound
to happen sooner or later.
Sorry, Patty. See ya around.
Dismissed
I’m quiet-tempered by nature,
but anger boiled up inside me.
I didn’t know who to be
angrier with—Dad,
or Derek.
What did he mean,
“bound to happen”?
Was it something he’d
planned all along?
Who else knew?
I’d never used a cuss word
before, but two or three
popped into my mind
and I chose the worst.
“Fuck you!”
Derek just shook his head
and kept on walking,
and that only made
me angrier yet.
“I said, FUCK YOU!”
Everyone anywhere within
shouting distance turned
to stare at Pattyn
Von Stratten,
gone completely nuts.
Derek turned the corner,
slithered right out of my
life. And it was all
my dad’s fault.
Wasn’t it?
I Wasn’t in Love with Derek
So why, all of a sudden, did I
feel like I couldn’t live without him?
Why did I feel like I’d just taken
a cannonball to the gut?
Why did a sudden urge to hurt something
become so overwhelming?
I picked up my backpack, weighty
with books, did a 180 and let it fly.
In my wildest imagination, I could never
have guessed the trajectory it would choose.
Thunk! Tinkle…tinkle. My backpack went
straight through the library’s picture window.
Good thing no one was on the other side.
Ms. Rose came running.
She saw me, tears reflecting my disbelief.
Her own eyes held pure shock.
“I’m so sorry, Ms. Rose…” I blubbered.
“I didn’t mean…I mean…it just slipped…”
She told me she was sorry too, then
escorted me to the office.
I’d Never Been to the Office
Except to turn in absence notes
or take a phone call from home.
But never like this.
Never in shame.
And when Mr. Scoffield called
my mom, she couldn’t believe
what he told her.
What she was hearing.
And when she passed on the news
to my dad—that he would be buying
a $500 window—he flipped.
Lost it completely.
For the first time ever,
he slapped me, hard,
like he’d done to Mom
a thousand times.
Defiance rose up like vomit.
I swung back and yelled,
“Don’t ever do that again!”
He caught my arm.
Held it midair, and I found
in his eyes conflicting emotions—
something almost like apology,
and something very much like satisfaction.
Communication
Was never big in my house.
We sat down together over
dinner, but the only sound
you’d hear was crunching
and chewing and the little
ones asking for more, please.
We lived, all boxed up in
invisible containers. We
hardly knew the people
we called sister or father.
Jackie and I were the
exceptions to that rule.
But now even she and I
were afraid to reach out
to each other. I couldn’t
blame her. Associate
with a pariah, you become
an outcast too. Don’t you?
Dad always lived angry.
Now he lived furious.
Mom settled for passive;
she withdrew further into
her shell. The girls sensed
the need for quiet play.
As for me, I barely
said one word. Not
at home. Not at
school. For sure
not at seminary.
My little box
grew smaller
and smaller,
until there was
only part of
me inside.
The sad part.
A Week Went By
The school year was drawing
to a close. Usually, I couldn’t wait
for summer vacation. But what
did I have to look forward to this year?
Jackie would be off to girls’ camp, not
a pleasant experience for me, but she
was jazzed, which only made me more
jealous that I’d be locked up at home.
Not even the desert to take refuge
in, unless I could somehow convince
Dad to loosen the reins. No stallions
near this mare’s pasture. Not anymore.
Every time I saw Derek at school,
laughing with Justin or Brent,
while refusing to even acknowledge
me, I got mad. Royally pissed.
Then came the day I saw him
with Carmen, arm possessively
around her waist. As I watched,
she reached up and kissed him.
A flare went off inside my head.
I swear, my eyes filmed over, red.
Bishop Crandall told me Satan was
to blame for the things I did with Derek.
Satan had nothing to do with that,
of course, but he may have had something
to do with the utterly evil feelings
that rose up inside me. Seeking escape.
I Followed Carmen and Derek
From a safe distance,
of course. I waited until
they split up. Derek went
into a classroom. Carmen
started toward the gym.
I caught up to her, fell in
beside her. “I thought you
and Derek were history.”
She stopped short.
No, you and Derek
are history.
This is where I think
the devil stepped in.
“Leave him alone, Carmen.”
She laughed.
No way, freak.
Derek loves me.
Then I laughed. Or Satan
did. “Derek only loves
Derek. He never loved you.”
I suppose you think
he loved you? He only
used you for sex.
Did he tell her that? Did
he tell everyone that?
“We never had sex.”
That’s not what he said.
Not only that, he said
it was lousy sex.
I should have done what I
did to Derek, not Carmen.
But he wasn’t standing there.
What I Did Was…
I cocked back
my fist, took
dead aim, and
punched her
straight in
the nose.
Her eyes went
wild. Fuckin’
bitch! I’ll
kill you.
She and Dad
could team up.
I grabbed a
fistful of coal-colored
hair. “Oooh.
I’m so scared.”
Carmen raked
my cheek with
deadly fingernails
and might have done
me worse than a sixinch
welt, except
right about then
her nose gushed.
I should have
run for first aid,
or at least felt
bad. Instead, I
said, “Your nose
is bleeding. Hey,
think it’s broken?”
It Was Just a Hairline Fracture
But it was enough
to get me suspended
for the rest of the year.
And it was also enough
to net a $1500 ER visit
for sweet little Carmen,
which, as you may have guessed,
my dad had to pay for.
Well, actually, his homeowners’
insurance had to pay it.
But, as he told me explicitly,
My premiums will go up now,
so it’s still money out of my pocket.
Two thousand dollars in one week.
What has happened to you, Pattyn?
Boys and booze. (So he had smelled
the tequila that day!)
Broken windows, broken noses.
What kind of trouble have you become?
For Once
Mom blew it worse than Dad.
In fact, she lost it completely.
I work and slave, to make your life
perfect. How could you do this to me?
Slave? Perfect? I might have argued.
Instead I said, “I didn’t do anything to you.”
Her face blossomed, rose red. You
have stigmatized this entire family!
“Stigmatized? That’s the biggest word
I’ve ever heard you attempt, Mother.”
Her eyes flooded. I’m not stupid. I
graduated high school, considered college.
“Then along came Dad. True love won
you over. Please, don’t make me gag.”
Pattyn! How can you be so nasty?
Of course true love won me over.
“Sorry, Mom, but if there’s one thing
I’ve learned, watching you and Dad…”
Yes? What have you learned?
“Love is just another word for sex.”
She Screamed
(This is the part
where she lost it.)
Sex? Sex! Tell
me what you know about sex!
Did that awful
boy touch you? Put it in you?
I couldn’t resist
that lead-in.
“Put what in me?”
You know very
well what I’m talking about.
Did he take
his pants off? Did you let him?
Now it was a game.
“Let him? What if
I encouraged him?”
Pattyn Scarlet Von
Stratten. Exactly what are you saying?
Surely you can’t
mean you wanted to have sex?
A vicious game.
“Don’t you want
to have sex, Mom?”
Her face ignited
flames. Wha…wha…
“Or is it all about
overpopulating
this pitiful planet?”
She sputtered.
She fumed. She fizzled out.
“’Cause if that’s
all it’s about, you
can count me out.”
If I’d Have Known Then
What I learned a few days later,
I might have made her squirm
a little less.
Then again, maybe not.
My head felt constricted,
squashed in a vise of frustration,
ready to pop like a blister.
All the questions I’d always
wanted to ask jumbled around in
my brain, twisted into barbs.
“Don’t worry, Mom. I know sex
leads to babies. You and Dad have
taught me that valuable lesson.”
I could have stopped there.
Might have stopped, had I noticed
how her face had turned ashen.
Instead, I steamrolled her.
“You’re like a blue-ribbon heifer,
Mom. Champion breeding stock,
always in heat for her bull.”
And almost regretted it
when she ran over to the kitchen
sink and heaved her lunch.
And truly regretted it
when she turned, shaky and pale,
flecks of vomit in her hair, and said,
I need to lie down for a while.
Later, Bishop Crandall Dropped By
The house to give me a stern
reprimand. He sat across
the cluttered table,
playing with a paper clip.
Your parents are worried
about you, Pattyn.
I was worried about myself.
But I wasn’t about to let him
know it. “Really?”
Really. What have you got
to say for yourself? You’ve always