between Brad and me.
A quarter pound? Holy shit.
Brad never mentioned that.
I don’t have that kind of money.
Do my eyes reflect the terror I
feel? We’ll take a quarter.
Brad produces a wad of cash.
Apparently, we’re now partners.
Cesar shrugs and goes into the
other room. We’ll split the
profit, okay? says Brad.
Move the quarter, you’ll
have plenty of cash to score.
I hope he’s willing to share
his customer list too. I need
to off the stuff as quickly as
possible, for several reasons.
Four ounces? I have graduated
again—to the major league.
Brad Drops Me Off
I half-expect him to ask
to come inside, smoke
a little, make love a little.
Instead, he turns to me.
I know you’re mad at me.
But please understand…
“I do understand. Not
your job to babysit me.”
Kind of mean, but oh well.
Okay. Right. But please
be careful. This is a major
quantity. Don’t leave it…
His money. I understand
that, too. “I’ll be careful. I
want to off this right away
and pay you back. Will you
let your people know how
to get hold of me?”
No problem. I trust you to pay
me back. He pauses. I just
want you to know I never
expected Angela to come
home or I wouldn’t have…
I still care for you, you know.
That phrase again. Everyone
cares for me. They just don’t
know how to love me.
I Left My Cell
On the charger. When I turn
it on to check messages,
there are two.
Mom: Sorry I missed
Trey: Where are you?
your call yesterday. We
I know Angela moved
were out celebrating my
back home. I’ll be there
birthday. Are you okay?
tonight. Are you okay?
They both sound totally
stressed. Guess Mom
doesn’t like the idea
of chalking up
another year.
But what’s
up with Trey?
Probably hungry for
meth. Guess what. Now
he’ll have to get it from me.
Why Am I Not More Excited
About Trey coming tonight?
I still love him. But I can’t
seem to find that high-
blood-pressure anticipation.
Maybe it’s knowing some
other girl has sent him on
his way. Maybe it’s because
I’m on my period and can’t
make love to him, anyway.
Is it because I’m not buzzed?
Regardless, I dial his number,
with the usual result, leave
him directions to the motel,
sans an “I love you” addendum.
Wonder if he’ll even notice.
Wonder if he’ll even care.
Wonder if he’ll drop in, score,
drop back out of my life again
until he needs to restock.
Maybe I should get buzzed.
Next, I call Mom. “Sorry I
missed your birthday, but I
had to move out of the Red
Rock house…. No, the guy’s
wife came back and they
don’t need a nanny anymore….
I’m in a weekly for now. Can I
come out tomorrow and bring your
birthday present? See you then.”
Maybe I shouldn’t get buzzed.
Who knows if or when Trey
will get here? I flip on the TV,
debating whether or not to get
buzzed. An hour passes. Two,
with nothing but reality shows
to keep me company. Who needs
that kind of reality? I pick
up the phone and call Quade.
We talk for a long while, and
after we hang up, I get buzzed.
By the Time Trey Knocks
On the door, I am very buzzed
and almost beyond caring
One look at him and all that
changes. He’s shaken, pale.
He stumbles through the door
and I lock it behind him,
invite him into my arms.
“What’s wrong?” I guide
him into a chair. I, uh…just
had a major blowout with
Brad. He catches his breath,
chooses his words. I went out
there first, looking for ice.
Angela was over the top.
How was I supposed to know
she’d gone to Narcotics Anonymous
and made Brad go too?
How was I supposed to know
she’d fucking freak out and
threaten to call the cops?
I mean, standing on the door
step, screaming. Damn, she’s
crashing hard. Then, when I
told her to shut the hell up, Brad
went off the deep end. I thought
he was going to haul off and hit me.
I can picture it all clearly. But
there’s a puzzle piece missing.
And it has something to do with,
“Crashing?” How did he know
she was using, let alone crashing?
I never noticed it, not even
sitting across the table from
her. What hasn’t he told me?
“What haven’t you told me?”
He stops ranting, studies me,
trying to decide how much
information I can handle.
Promise you won’t get mad?
I don’t want to fight with you,
too. He looks like he could break.
This can’t be good. But
what the hell? I’d almost
given up on ever seeing
him again, anyway. If this
is the last straw, I don’t have
to get mad, do I? “Promise.”
You know the girl in Stockton,
the one I told you about?
Truth is, it was Angela.
Bang! Everything falls
right into place. I do get
mad. Jealous. Insanely so.
My mouth tries to open.
But I won’t let it. Not yet.
Not until I’ve had enough
time to completely digest
his confession, consider
its implications. I did promise.
Waiting for Digestion
I figure we might as well
ingest a little crystal.
Maybe not the best idea,
but I can’t just sit here staring at him like a fool.
Anyway, I need more
information and this is
the best way to get it.
The monster knows
the right questions to
ask. Finally, it pries
my mouth open. “Did she
leave Brad for you?”
The monster supplies
answers. Not exactly.
I mean, we flirted a little.
I think that convinced
her she wanted to see
other men. But she didn’t
come directly to Stockton.
And when she did, she
dated other guys too.
; A bigger question looms,
one I don’t want to ask
because I might hate
the answer. “Are you
in love with her?” Is
that really why he went
over there tonight?
He comes over, kneels
in front of me, looks up
into my eyes. No. I told
you it was sex only. In
fact, I was relieved when
she informed me she was
going back to Brad.
The guilt, believe it or
not, was incredible. Not
only because of Brad,
but because of you.
I love you. And I don’t
ever want to hurt you.
Kristina wants to kiss him
with every fiber of her
being. But Bree wants
him to pay, or at least
sweat it a little. We
reach a compromise.
“Does that mean you’ll
quit sleeping around?”
His immediate answer
surprises me. No, it
shocks me. Only if
you ask me to.
“I’m asking.”
Okay. He tilts his face
up toward mine, requesting
a meeting of lips.
“One more thing.”
What?
“Answer your damn phone.”
We Seal the Deal
With a kiss—and more.
Yeah, I’m still on my
period. But you’d
be surprised at
all the things
you can do,
anyway.
Trey is full of surprises,
and not just sexy
ones. We make
love, but even
as our bodies
work, my
brain is
busy.
Two months till school
is out for summer,
two months till
Trey can be
mine full-
time. I
can’t
stay
here, alone in this flea-
bag motel. I need
another place.
A place with
people. One
comes to
mind.
Home. I want to go
home. Tomorrow
when I’m there,
I’ll push Mom
to please let
me come
home.
But only until summer.
Clean, Maintenance-Buzzed
We take my car home.
Mom and Scott didn’t
meet Trey before, but
they might recognize
the Mustang. I want
them to like him. Need
them to love him, one-
tenth as much as I do.
I hold a dozen supermarket
roses in my lap. Scentless.
What happened to red rose
perfume? Has the monster
stolen my sense of smell?
No, I smell tobacco, too
strong in my hair and
clothes. I smell deodorant,
his and mine. I smell
leather seats and a faint
aura of crystal. But still
no red rose perfume.
Frustrated, nervous, I
decide confession is
in order. “Remember
a few months ago when
you dropped me off at
home? Mom told me
never to bring you there.
That’s why I wanted
us to come in this car.
I want them to get to
know you without thinking
you’re a meth fiend.”
Well, I’ll do my best to make
them think otherwise. Then
he poses an interesting question.
But what if that’s what I am?
Mom Greets Us
With a frosty Hello. The Queen
of Cool assesses Trey. Finally
she offers, I’m Marie.
And you are…
Trey does his best to be
pleasant. Pleased to meet
you. I’m Trey, Kristina’s…
He crash-lands on fiancé.
Mom’s mouth drops wide,
in perfect unison with mine.
Is that a fact? Kristina
forgot to mention it.
Unfazed, Trey trumps
Mom’s clichéd hand. We
only decided last night.
She wanted to surprise you.
I interrupt the uneasy
introduction with a bouquet
of scentless red roses.
“Happy birthday, Mom.”
Trey, as already noted,
is a major player. Yes,
happy birthday…Mom.
He gifts her with his great smile.
Mom is not appreciative.
Ahem. Let’s go inside…Her
unfinished sentence hangs midair:
before anyone notices you here.
Surprises Await
The first is Hunter, who
can now not only crawl
but also pull himself up
and walk, holding on to
the coffee table. He’ll be
off and running soon.
Where has the time
gone?
The second is Jake, whose
voice has lowered into
bass range. I guess we
haven’t spoken enough
the last few months for
me to notice the shift.
Where has my little brother
gone?
His girlfriend is inside
too. They wade patiently
through the obligatory
introductions, disappear
upstairs to spend time
alone in Jake’s room.
Where has propriety
gone?
Despite Mom’s clear
disapproval of Trey,
Scott seems to accept
him. They talk sports.
Talk college. Talk me.
Mom remains aloof.
Where has solidarity
gone?
While the Guys Talk
Mom draws me into the kitchen,
sits me down at the table.
So what are your plans now?
Can’t tell her about my new
career, dealing to hookers.
New job? School? Uh…marriage?
[Quick, think up a lie.]
“I signed up for classes.”
Did you get your GED?
[Go ahead, lie bigger.]
“I did, in fact. Last month.”
Where are you going to school?
[She won’t believe a university.]
“Up at the community college.”
Good choice, all things considered.
[What does that mean?]
“Trey thought it was a good idea.”
You’re not really going to marry him?
[You’re not, are you?]
“What’s wrong with him?”
Kristina, he’s a total loser.
Blood pressure rising.
“He is not! And I love him.”
You don’t know what love is.
And rising. “I suppose no
one knows that but you?”
You’re too young to get married.
Not that old line. Answer:
“You got married at eighteen.”
To a total loser. Look what happened.
Ears burning. “I don’t care!
Your life isn’t mine.”
Lower your voice this instant.
Up. Up. Up goes my voice.
“You can’t make me.”
I’m still your mother…
“Yeah, you’
re my mother,
and a cold-hearted bitch.”
Don’t ever talk to me like that!
“What are you going to do?
Ground me until further notice?”
I think it’s time for you to leave.
So much for moving home.
Halfway Back
To the motel, Trey
drops another surprise
smack in my lap.
What would you say
if I told you I’m not going
back to school?
Weird, but Bree sides
with Mom. [She’s right.
He’s a loser.]
Kristina, however,
is all for it. “Really? Since
when? Are you sure?”
I totally screwed up this
semester, anyway. I can
always go back and
finish up, or maybe I’ll
transfer to UNR. Meanwhile,
we’ll be together.
A ton of questions pop
into my head. Did he
screw up because of
the meth? Angela? Me?
What will this mean to his
dream of becoming
an electrical engineer?
Does this translate to we’re
living together? Was
the word “fiancé” just
for my mom’s benefit? I’m
afraid to ask any of that.
I was thinking we could
get an apartment together.
I mean, if you want…
Well, of course I want.