All the men would trundle
in, faces smudged with soot,
bodies in need of rest and
spirits sagging. We did our
best to cheer them up
but smiles were in short
supply that week.
Even Ethan’s unflagging
cheerfulness had dissolved
in a sea of exhaustion.
I saw him twice in five days.
Both times he said the same thing.
I can keep going, but I need
to hear one thing and only
you can say it.
So I did. “I love you, Ethan.
And I’m very proud of you.”
The Old Pattyn
Might have seen
the events of that week
for what they were.
An omen.
The gut-wrenching stab
of separation, with Ethan
away for five days, was
a sign
of things to come.
But the improved Pattyn
couldn’t intuit even
a whisper
of impending implosion.
Happiness, you see,
is just an illusion
of Fate,
a heavenly sleight of hand
designed to make you believe
in fairy tales. But there’s
no happily ever after.
You’ll only find happy
endings in books.
Some books.
The Rest of the Story
Began with another letter from home:
Hey,
I shouldn’t be writing this, and I can
only hope that whoever gets the mail
there isn’t a busybody. I just don’t know
where else to turn. Not that I expect
you to do anything. Please don’t.
It would only make things worse.
I need someone to know what’s going
on here, Pattyn. I need to believe someone
cares. If anyone does, it’s you. Remember
I told you Dad doesn’t hit Mom anymore,
because of the baby? Well, he hasn’t
exactly quit his Friday night boxing
matches. Only now his opponent
isn’t Mom. It’s me.
Remember how we wondered why
she didn’t tell anyone? Now I know.
It isn’t only fear. It’s embarrassment.
You can’t show your face in public
without feeling like you’ve done
something wrong. Something you
needed to be punished for. Not only that, but
everyone knows you’ve been bad.
Somehow, you’ve been bad.
But I haven’t done anything wrong.
Haven’t been bad. So why do I
feel guilty? Am I sick, or what?
Miss you, Jackie
Anger Sweated
From my pores, acid. I could
picture Jackie, going to sacrament
meeting wearing sunglasses.
Was that a lie too, Bishop Crandall?
Or maybe Dad was too smart
to leave bruises on his teenage
daughter. Maybe he planted his anger
where no one was likely to see it.
Not that anyone would look hard
enough to take notice until school
started again in September. Teachers
were trained to notice, weren’t they?
But what if he really hurt her?
Jackie didn’t have near the padding
Mom did. And who could she
turn to if he did? Who cared but me?
I didn’t know what to do.
If I confided in Aunt J, she’d want
to do something, call someone—
Dad or the cops.
Jackie was right. If Dad
knew she had told anyone, even me,
maybe even especially me,
who knew what his reaction might be?
I stared out the window, shaking
with anger and frustration.
Then I crumbled and cried,
sinking in helplessness.
The Letter Ate at Me for Days
It seemed like I could do something,
should do something. But what?
I didn’t dare call the police. I had no
solid proof and Dad would just deny it.
Besides, I no longer trusted the law,
nor those who had sworn to uphold it.
I couldn’t call Bishop Crandall. In his eyes,
Jackie was just another of Dad’s possessions.
Anyway, he probably already knew the truth
through one of Dad’s sicko confessions.
I wanted to tell Ethan. But what if he said something
to his dad? What evil memories that would stir!
No way could I stand the idea of becoming
a wedge between Kevin and Aunt J.
I hated my dad. Every time I thought my
life was okay after all, pretty good, in fact;
every time I believed I had escaped the gravity
of his terrible sphere, he reached out,
whatever the distance between us, grabbed
hold and shook till my teeth rattled.
Between That
And starting my period,
I was half puppy, half bitch
for several days, seesawing
from tucking my tail between
my legs to howling at the moon,
the sun, and everyone close by.
Poor Ethan and Aunt J didn’t
know quite what to make of me.
Aunt J had seen me mad before,
but Ethan hadn’t. And I wasn’t
just mad. I was furious,
with no reasonable way to vent.
Hormones and hatred do not
a manageable team make.
Anyone other than Ethan
would probably have
written me off right then
and there. He didn’t.
Finally, after an over-the-top
snappish episode, he put
one hand on each of my
cheeks and asked, What
happened, Pattyn? Why
are you acting this way?
“Nothing much,” I answered,
way too snippily. “Except I’m
swollen up like a rotten gourd,
my face is threatening to explode
with pimples, and…and…my dad
is beating my little sister.”
Ethan Opened His Arms
I fell into them gratefully.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean
to tell you all that.”
Why are you sorry? Pattyn,
we are nothing if we can’t
tell each other our secrets.
I wished it were only my
secrets in need of telling.
“There’s a lot more. Dad…”
Ethan listened to a long
recitation of my father’s sins,
minus the part about his own dad.
“I’m scared, Ethan. For
Jackie and my sisters.
For me. And for you.”
Don’t worry about me. I can
take care of myself, and I
swear I’ll keep you safe.
I knew he would do
the best he could, maybe
even offer himself up.
I’m not sure how to help
your sisters, though. Give
me some time to think, okay?
I Thought He’d
Run
if he knew.
Instead, he offered
help,
not that I believed
he could possibly
help.
I thought he’d
turn
his back, close h
is
heart, slink
away.
Instead, he promised
sanctuary.
Of course, he didn’t
really know Dad, the
power
of his demons, or his
warped moral code.
Safety
was a relative term. I
was safe here, hugged by
sanity.
But even with Ethan
by my side, the
closer
I let myself get to home,
the more uncertain our
future
would become.
I Made Ethan Promise
Not to tell his dad or Aunt J.
So now my nasty family secrets
could gnaw at him, too.
Neither of us could figure
a way to stop my dad without
calling in the authorities.
We could call Secret Witness,
Ethan suggested. That way no one
would know who made the call.
I debated that for a day or two.
Would Dad think Jackie called?
Someone from church? Me?
What would the cops find when
they got to our house? Signs of abuse?
Simple squalor? Nothing of importance?
What would they do if they found
something “off”? Issue a warning?
Put the girls in foster care?
Would Dad have to go to court?
Get counseling? Would that help
or only make him angrier still?
Too many questions, with no
clear answers. I was more confused
than ever. And it began to show.
I Didn’t Smile
I didn’t talk much.
I picked at my food.
One morning, Aunt J
asked, Feeling all right?
I stared at the table.
“Okay, I guess.”
Everything good between
you and Ethan?
I nodded my head.
“Everything’s okay.”
Well, seems to me you’re
not the Pattyn I’m used to.
How could I deny it?
“I know.”
So will you tell me what’s
wrong, please?
I shook my head.
“I can’t.”
Pattyn, you’re not in
the family way, are you?
“No! That’s not it.”
I almost wished it was.
At least then.
Journal Entry, August 14
Something inside me is shouting,
some instinct telling me to run,
run fast before everything falls
apart, like an old dust rag.
I don’t know why I believed I
could actually find happiness
and hold on to it. Dad won’t let
that happen, will he?
I should have known I couldn’t
escape his ghosts. They followed me
here and waited for the perfect
moment to jump out and say boo.
God must be punishing me after
all. I truly was beginning to believe
Aunt J’s theories about love
and God being one and the same.
I truly thought the love Ethan
and I share was blessed by God,
that He would forgive the physical
part because the rest was pure.
Maybe the Church was right.
Maybe I’m selfish.
Maybe I’m evil.
Maybe I’m damned.
I feel like I’m on a tightrope,
barely balancing. I know it’s
a long way down and I’m
afraid I’m destined to crash.
Part of That Feeling of Dread
Came from the fact
that the new school
year was closing in.
The semester would start
in less than two weeks.
Where did that leave me?
I still hadn’t heard
word one from home.
School here? There?
Torn between needing
to stay and wanting to leave,
wanting to be closer to Ethan,
how would I survive, not
seeing him for weeks, maybe
months, at a time?
Ethan quit his job, to spend
more time with me before
he had to pack up and go.
As the end of the month
drew nearer, each day
grew shorter than the last.
Time Became the Enemy
I could feel the hours slip away, drift away, rush away, beyond our reach forever. I wanted to melt, make him drink me down so he would carry me inside him.
Though we must have eaten, must have slept, it seemed all we did was make love, each time better, each time sweeter, each time more frantic than the last.
One of Those Times
I can’t remember exactly
which day, only that it
was in the cool of morning,
Ethan rolled away
and said, Oh my God.
I knew instantly that
God had already closed
His ears. “What’s wrong?”
Don’t panic, Pattyn,
but the condom tore.
let me take sex ed, but
panic seemed appropriate.
I mean, the odds are long
that anything will go wrong.
Everything was going
wrong lately. Why should
this be any different?
This happened to me once
before. Turned out fine.
I didn’t want to hear details.
I didn’t want to consider odds.
I didn’t know what to say.
Pattyn? Are you okay?
Say something.
“Maybe I’d better go clean
up.” It wasn’t much, but it
was all I could think to do.
One More Thing
To fret about,
in my bed at night.
Just add it to the list,
growing longer
by the minute.
I tried not to stress
too much over it.
After all, with so
many tangibles
socking my gut,
a “might be, but
probably nothing
to worry about”
didn’t exactly
top my list.
And the phone call
that came a day or
two after pushed
everything else to
the back of my mind.
Aunt J Summoned Me Inside
And her eyes told me all
I needed to know.
That was your father.
He wants you home.
I’d expected it. Hoped
for it. Dreaded it. So why
did I feel so surprised?
Why did I let myself cry?
Don’t do that, Pattyn.
You know I don’t want
to see you go. If you cry,
I will too.
I coughed back a sob.
“But what about you?
I don’t want to leave
you all by yourself.”
I’ve been by myself for
years. Besides, thanks
mostly to you, I’ve got
Kevin in my life again.
The thought comforted me
a little. “But what about
Ethan? What if they won’t
let me see him?”
Love is stubborn. You
two will find a way
to each other. But please
be smart about it.
S
he knew, as I did,
exactly what was at stake.
So I felt safe admitting,
“I’m scared, Aunt J.”
You just have to make
it through this year. Then
leave. You always have
a second home. Here.
That Same Day
Another letter arrived
from Jackie, too late
to serve as a warning:
Dear Pattyn,
I heard Mom and Dad
talking. They want you
to come home so you can
help take care of the baby.
I guess you’ve got enough
credits to graduate only
going to school half days.
I thought I’d be happier,
having you home. But I
changed my mind. If you’re
okay there, and you can
find a way to stay,
don’t come home, Pattyn.
Because then Dad
wouldn’t just hit me.
He’d hit you, too.
Love, Jackie
Dad Wanted to Come Get Me
The Saturday before school started,
although he wasn’t particularly
anxious to make that long trip again.
So when Aunt J mentioned
a friend of hers was driving to Reno,
he felt more than willing to