I tried to talk her out
of her plan, but Aunt J
could be stubborn.
Only so much fun
an old woman
can take in one
day. Shoppin’.
Eating till I’m
ready to bust…
I tried to thank her for
making my birthday more
special than any before
Pshaw. What are
birthdays for?
You’ll take good
care of her, won’t
you, Ethan? Not too
much candy, hear?
Ethan laughed, kissed her
cheek, and promised
I was in very good hands.
Perfect Hands, Actually
They opened the Dakota’s door, lifted me up
onto the seat. Ethan slid under the wheel,
sat for a moment, just looking at me.
Do you know how beautiful you are?
I shook my head. “I’m not. But you make
me feel like I am.” I wanted to be beautiful.
To him. For him. I didn’t really care how
anybody else saw me. Only Ethan.
He reached across me, opened the glove
compartment, extracted a little box wrapped
in gold foil. He cradled it in his perfect
hand, offered it to me like a toddler might.
Inside was an oval locket, etched
gold on a serpentine chain, and
inside that was a photo of Ethan.
So you’ll always carry me with you.
I fingered the intricate carvings,
the interlocking links of chain.
And then I turned it over. Engraved
on the back were three magic words.
Ethan pulled me close, repeated
those words. I love you, Pattyn.
He kissed me, delicious as honey.
His kiss held love. His eyes held love.
Goose bumps erupted all over
my body. I was thrilled. Terrified.
But I couldn’t deny how I felt
about him. “I love you, too, Ethan.”
We Went to a Movie
Probably only the third in my life,
and my first ever with a guy.
I should remember everything
about it. But I don’t.
I don’t remember the names
of the actors, and all I can recall
about the plot is that everyone
thought the main character
was someone he wasn’t.
(Aren’t we all someone we’re not?)
I do remember the smell of popcorn
as we walked through the door,
and whiny children, pleading
for candy and soda pop.
I remember how people seemed
to smile at us, a young couple,
hand in hand. I wondered
if they smiled because
they knew we were in love.
Or maybe they smiled
at what they imagined
we did in the dark.
Doing stuff in the dark
of the movie theater
is what I remember best.
I Also Remember the Drive Home
Tucked close beside Ethan,
his picture tucked close
to my heart, where I would
carry him always.
He drove slowly, and we
talked and talked about our lives
BE (before each other),
and what might become
of our lives now that they intertwined.
How would we keep our love
alive, with him at college
and me at school,
daily existence at odds.
Where would I go to school?
No one had mentioned
if or when my extended
vacation might end.
If I stayed with
Aunt J, my school would
be seven hundred miles
from Ethan’s.
If I went home, our schools
would be less than two
hundred miles apart.
Not an insurmountable
distance. Unless you
figured in my dad.
Of course, there were
Weren’t there?
Even If There Were
Ways around my dad,
did I want to have to find them?
Did I want to go home?
Living with Aunt J had opened
my eyes. To harsh realities.
Harsh realities smoldering at home.
To the true meanings of love.
Love, like between Aunt J and me.
Love I wouldn’t find at home.
Love, like I had discovered
in Ethan’s arms.
Love that home might destroy.
But if I stayed with Aunt J,
Ethan seven hundred miles away,
what would become of our love?
Three Magic Words
Had changed my existence
yet again, words I’d feared
and now embraced.
I love you played over
and over in my brain,
music without melody.
I sat very close, almost
in his lap, head against
his shoulder, breathing
him in, hand on his thigh.
He was warm, and my warmth.
Strong, and my strength.
Ethan was no summer
fling. Suddenly, certainly,
he was everything.
How could I
ever live without him?
We Agreed Not to Worry
About it the rest of the weekend,
five whole days to spend together,
culminating with the July Fourth
BBQ and fireworks extravaganza.
I would meet Ethan’s dad that evening.
Meanwhile, I wanted one thing—
okay, I wanted several, but I had
one particular goal in mind,
which I brought up on Saturday.
“Ethan, will you teach me to ride?”
And not Old Poncho. “Paprika.”
Ethan was patient. Not so Paprika.
She took one look at the total “greenhorn,”
and decided to teach me the finer
points of equine bitchery.
She snorted. Kicked. Rooted
herself and refused to move.
When I finally convinced her otherwise,
she lowered her head and bucked.
Then she reared and pawed the air.
I dropped the reins, grabbed hold of the horn,
and somehow stayed in the saddle.
But it wasn’t what you’d call pretty.
Aunt J Had Come Out
To watch
my progress—or lack of it.
She doesn’t like working behind
fences. Take her out on the trail
for a real ride.
First, Aunt J gave
me some pointers.
The key to Paprika is letting her
think she’s getting her way.
Don’t fight her. Convince her.
Ethan clarified, Gentle
hands, gentle legs.
Let the reins all the way loose,
continued Aunt J. Now give
her an easy nudge.
Instinct insisted I tighten my
grip, but I did as instructed.
There now, see how sweet
that mare moves? Just
like a rocking horse.
A rowdy rocking horse,
but she was cooperating.
Teamwork. With Paprika,
it’s all about teamwork.
Ask her to lope.
Lope? At my confused look,
Ethan
said, Canter.
A little tap with your
heels should do. Remember,
it’s a request.
I requested. Paprika
responded enthusiastically.
Now shift your weight to one
side, see how she moves
right along with you.
I shifted right. Paprika
moved right. Left, left.
That’s it! Damn if you
don’t look like a real
working cowgirl!
After an hour of coaxing
and correcting, I almost felt
like one too.
The Idea of a Trail Ride
Half scared, half excited me.
But Ethan insisted I’d be fine,
so he went home for his black.
We hit the trail early afternoon,
jogging down the jeep track
well beyond the cattle chutes.
Paprika was up for a gallop, and
so was Diego. Ethan and I gave
the horses their heads. What a rush!
If you’ve never ridden a horse at a dead
run, you can’t understand the awesome
power beneath your clinging thighs.
It was total fear and total exhilaration,
all wrapped up in one amazing bundle
of horseflesh. And I (mostly) controlled it.
With much of her energy spent, Paprika
went docilely along with the game plan.
Ethan and I rode for miles and miles.
We paralleled a snake of train tracks,
smack beneath steep ledges of granite,
sandstone, and minerals I couldn’t identify.
The cliffs were beautiful and dangerous.
Boulders, some the size of VWs, had
tumbled down to land like solitary soldiers.
Ethan pointed. That’s where they’ll run their
nuclear waste shipments. Can you believe
what total idiots they are? One rock slide…
I considered a head-on between a nuke train
and VW-size boulders. One rock slide
and everyone for miles around would be toast.
We Stopped for Lunch
On a shady bank
of the little stream
bisecting the canyon.
“Thank you, Ethan.”
The horses munched
contentedly as Ethan
unrolled a bamboo mat.
What for, pretty lady?
I let myself recline,
to better inspect
the cloudless July sky.
“For teaching me to ride…”
Ethan lay down beside
me, took my hand and
kissed my fingers.
You’re a quick learner.
I closed my eyes,
loving the wet of his
tongue on my fingertips.
“For showing me this country…”
He lifted up on one
elbow, and his voice
drifted down over me.
I want to show you the world.
Drowsy with heat
and the lull of his touch,
I licked my lips.
“For loving me.”
He tilted my chin
and I looked up into
his electric green eyes.
Let me teach you what love is.
His Body Settled
Gently upon mine.
He kissed my eyes,
my lips, my neck,
then his mouth
crept softly down
the length of my torso.
Something stirred
beneath my skin,
some being inside
I’d only suspected
existed, demon or
angel, I couldn’t say.
Either way, it woke
a desire so bold
it shook me to my
core, made me cry
out for more. I
wanted all of Ethan.
And he wanted me,
I felt it in the fire
of his kiss, in the way
his body trembled.
And yet, he hesitated.
Only if you’re sure.
The old Pattyn had
vanished, smoke.
I didn’t think about
Satan, didn’t think
about God, didn’t
think about babies.
We shed our shirts,
unzipped our jeans,
and would have
made love right
that minute except
for just about then…
All Hell Broke Loose
From a snag of rocks across
the stream, and not a hundred feet
away, came a predatory snarl.
The horses reacted with terrified
whinnies and vicious thrusts
of defensive hooves.
Ethan and I jumped to our feet,
caught sight of the feline intruder—
a cougar, the size of a Great Dane.
He had wandered down the hill
for a midday drink, to find horses
and half-naked humans.
Ethan or I was the easier meal,
especially once the horses tugged
loose and bolted for home.
The mountain lion approached
leisurely, intently, measuring
distance and possible resistance.
Ethan groped in the tall grass,
found a tree branch big enough
to do some damage.
Back away slowly, he instructed.
If he comes after me, you run,
you hear me? Run toward the road.
Then he pulled himself up very
tall and strode toward the lion,
screaming at the top of his lungs.
I could have run then, probably
should have run then. Instead, I picked
up a sizeable rock and screamed too.
At our noisy advance, the cougar
paused, glancing warily back
and forth between Ethan and me.
Every hunter gets a moment.
This was mine. I took dead
aim, heaved the rock.
It flew straight to its mark,
hit the cat in the rib cage
with a tremendous thunk.
The animal yeowled in protest,
and Ethan hefted the branch
like a batter waiting for a pitch.
But the cougar turned on his
haunches and retreated
up the hardscrabble hillside.
We waited a few minutes,
making sure he didn’t
change his mind.
Finally, Ethan relaxed
his batter’s stance, grinned.
Not bad, for a girl.
Then He Laughed
And I did too, because his eyes
held admiration. Adoration.
Evaluation.
Has anyone ever told you how great
you look with your shirt off?
I glanced down at my chest, covered
only by a thin sports bra and a sheen of sweat.
Not bad,
I thought, before a sudden wave of nausea
made me sink to my knees.
My stomach churned around a knot of confusion.
Had my hunter’s moment been insane or
courageous?
Ethan rushed to me, pulled me into his arms.
Don’t worry. He’s gone. And you were
incredible.
Still, we’d better find our clothes and head
for home. We’ve got a really long walk…
He didn’t say it, but I thought it—the addendum
we both worried about. Had the cat had
enough
for one day? Or would he follow along?
Either Wa
y, We Had No Choice
But to put one foot in front
of the other, and hope we
might come across the horses,
grazing somewhere along the trail.
We plodded together in silence
for quite a while. Finally Ethan said,
I wish I would’ve brought my gun.
Normally I would have.
“I wish you would have
too. Why didn’t you?”
I thought it might upset you. Some gir—
some people don’t much care for guns.
“You should have asked, Ethan.
So happens I like guns fine.”
Really? He tugged me to a halt.
You are full of surprises.
I smiled. “What’s more,
I’m a pretty good shot.”
He laughed. I’ll bet you are.
I’ll just bet you are.
We Started for Home Again
And once again fell quiet,
both of us lost in thought
about the day’s events.
Around then it hit me
that I had been ready
to give Ethan the most
personal part of me,
and give it happily,
without a single worry
about cause and effect.
Ethan was troubled too.